Sorry everyone, I'm an emotional mess right now and don't even know if this is a vent or a question or what. I've been really struggling the last few days in particular with all the uncertainty I'm trying to wade through at this point.  However, worse still is I'm feeling all sorts of anxiety that as bad as this feels right now it's going to get much worse before it gets better.

I'm very early in my journey.  It was only last year that I really truly accepted that I'm transgender.  I've been working with a well experienced therapist for a 4 months now trying to determine what that really means for me and what my future needs will be as a result.  So far I'm still in a state of total confusion.  It's frustrating and depressing that I can't even answer such a simple question.  Something that is so inherent to our very being and so basic on so many levels.  What is my gender???

I'm not a male, I know that much, or at least not just a male.  I have these wild swings between days where I am female and trapped in this male body.  Days where I'm sure transition is the only answer to making me feel whole, and natural.  Days where I can't function in social situations because I can't fill a female role but trying to fake it as a male just isn't working anymore. Those days are painful enough.  But then the days hit where everything shifts.  Where the idea that I'm female seems so distant, where I feel like it would be irresponsible and selfish to pursue transition.  Days where I think about all the great things I have in my life right now (great wife, amazing job, awesome home, tremendous family) and how I'd be giving much of that up and hurting so many people I love if I transition. On these days, it's almost more painful because I can't tell how much of this is a male persona that I'm still connected with and that is still a part of my identity versus how much of it is conditioned denial from 39 years of shame and hiding. I identify as non-binary/genderfluid but I fear that even that label is still a result of denial and maybe even some internalized fear of being truly transsexual.  I just don't know.

So my mind runs a million miles an hour and the anxiety just sky rockets as I think about all this.  Then I think, well if I do decide to transition, blow up my life completely, this is going to get even worse. It may get better in the long run but how do I make it?  What if I start moving down that path and regret it?  Maybe that's not really where I need to be and the idea that I'm female is just jealousy or fantasy?  Certainly, there are plenty of stories of regret and even de-transitioning. If I throw my whole world into upheaval, how do I make sure that it's not all for naught?

Sorry, I know this is long, I'm just really in a bad place right now. I cried myself to sleep last night over this and I've been in tears multiple times over the last week (including now). I want answers so badly, but have no clue how to find them.  I feel weak and vulnerable and confused and broken. Pandora's box is open and I need to find the path to peace and stability.  IDK where that path leads but right now I just need to find where it starts.

Lisa,

Speaking for myself, I think everything you are going through is normal. If you weren't thinking those thoughts what kind of person would you be? 

You have two different groups you are thinking about.  Yourself as one group and everybody else in the other. It's tough.

I cried myself to sleep, ha, I don't really call it sleep, for a month.  Once I started HRT, the first time, that diminished to a rare occasion.  I jumped off the trans train for a few months and it was not pretty.  Once I restarted I've not felt better, ever.  No crying, no doubts, etc.  I've learned this is not a choice.  That's helped a lot.

I think as long as you believe it's a choice you will have doubts and be an emotional mess.

Regardless, you will make a mess of your life with the opportunity to rebuild it.  Some people try to put the pieces back while others throw all the pieces away and start again.  (Stay married, same town, same everything compared to the alternative)

Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk

You can't be sure this early in the game because you don't have enough facts yet. I suggest you consider HRT and part time to figure out how you feel when you are in treatment. It may take only a few weeks before you will have another data point that that may clear up some of the questions you currently have. You may end up more comfortable somewhere in the middle or you may become more comfortable with being feminine.

I've heard it said this is more of a marathon than a sprint.  If you can afford to take the time to make your decision you should do so and don't be hard on yourself for that.  I was living full time for about six months before I addressed all my remaining issues in therapy and began HRT.   By all means do as much research as possible on ->-bleeped-<-. Read tons of case studies like here on this forum and other publications and forums.  It is always good to know more I think. Most of us tho, I think, reach a point were we just CAN'T go on the old way.  I doesn't sound like you are quite there yet. But don't worry. You have time. Don't rush it.  Be gentle with yourself.

Reminds me of my first therapy session. I went into that session hoping to find out answers or clues as to why I was angry a lot. Not angry with others, but felt I was not being true to some internal feelings. Believe it or not, I did not for one second even consider I might have been trans. I knew I had been one mixed up person since I was six.
Sitting with the therapist, she opened doors in my mind that had been previously shut. We uncovered feelings and thoughts about myself that I never thought of.
Coming out of that session, I remember pondering what just happened. For some reason I felt relief. I can't put into words.
Almost 10 years later, almost all of those living as Nina, and having had surgery two years ago I became happy for the first time in my life. And I was being true to myself.
Not sure if this makes sense...but time...give it time.

Lisa,
   I am sorry for your pain and frustration first of all. I could not agree more with Dena. You need more real life experience. It is the only way to help you figure it out. I had the wild swings that you describe. I took an eternity to get (not brave enough) but desperate enough  to take concrete real life steps to see if "transgender" fit me. I would have spent the rest of my days in the awful limbo that you find yourself in now. I realized I am trans, I risked everything, and it did work well. It is possible. You can try to theorize all you want. None of it has the value of a trip out of town dressed as your potential alternative self in seeing how you feel. One other thing, when you go out at first you have to factor in that you are nervous and scared and that is something that will not always color your experience. I think if you deal with it by hiding from it, it will never leave you.
Monica

Thanks everyone for the thoughts.  Getting out and getting some initial RLE is definitely something on my horizon. The biggest issue I'm having with that is just logistics.  I really like the idea of spending a weekend in a different city full-time female presentation.  The issue that I have right now is that I wouldn't want to be there alone, if for no other reason than safety.  I'm working on solutions to that.

The other thing holding me back is just getting what I need to fully present as female. Unfortunately my hair isn't long enough yet to do anything really feminine with it and I don't have a good wig at this point.  I've been slowly building up the other things, practicing my makeup work, etc. all with the eventual plan of hopefully doing something soon. 

Since we're on the topic, do any of you have recommendations on cities?  I have plenty of airline and hotel miles to go just about anywhere domestically.  Chicago is close by for me but not sure if that's the best option.  I'm open for any thoughts you have on some of the logistics of doing a trip like that.

San Francisco comes to mind as the most open town. Phoenix and Las Vegas cater to the tourism industry so they are more concerned about the color of your money than your appearance. I suspect that there are several east coast cities that could be added to the list but I really haven't been much farther east than Wisconsin.

I'll just echo what others have said about getting more real life experience as your female self.  Spending time in public this way will shed some light on your gender identity question.  Since safety is your concern (as well it should be), it's a good idea to go to local transgender support groups first.  Are you close enough to a large city that might have one?  Even if it's a 2 hour drive one-way, it'll be worth it.

I think that would be more fruitful than a big weekend trip across the country in a city that you won't visit again anytime soon.  Go to your nearest support group meeting.  Go often.  Meet new people.  Talk to the same people over time, get to know them, become friends with them.  And through your experiences with them, you will also discover yourself.

There are two different groups that meet in a city about 45 minutes from me.  Unfortunately they both meet only once a month and at the same inconvenient time on the same day so I haven't made it to one.  That's something else I'm hoping to pursue.

One other thing I am looking to do is to start attending services at an Open and Affirming UCC church nearby. I plan to be completely open about my identity from the start.  I'm thinking that will give me some experience in a place that should be safe and supporting.  Maybe a next first step somewhat akin to what I could get from a support group.

If your on hrt and you feel your at peace with yourself, chances are your transgender, unless you got other mental issues you have to address, address the other mental issues and see if hrt is for you. I know for me, I've been on hrt for 4 years plus and I feel fine. Hated patches and injections, made me a volatile mess, E pellets keeps me better even keeled emotionally.

Well I'm not on HRT yet but I am without a doubt transgender. That much I do know.  What I have to figure out is am I really in this weird space (non-binary) between genders as I identify today or am I truly transsexual and in need of full transition to female.

As I said before, the reason I'm having a hard time answering that is a lot of the things that have tied me to my male persona have turned out to be just conditioned responses and the result of years of denial and repression.  I'd like to try HRT, at least at a low dose, to see how it "feels on me".  However, that's where I get into some issues.  My wife has set that as a line in the sand where she can't stay with me if that's what I need.  So I could start HRT, blow up my marriage and then find out that it's not for me and this genderfluid state that I feel like I'm in is legit.  It's kind of a catch 22.

So for now I'm going to use some of the advice in this thread.  I think the RLE of being out in public presenting fully female will help me better understand if that's who I am or not.  I'll admit my heart races every time I think about those scenarios, it's very exciting and I'm looking forward to taking that next step.  So far the only public exposure I've had has been in mixed dress mode, and I've loved every second of that.  So we'll see, I've got a plan now, which is more than I had when I posted this thread, and I think that's going to help me out.  I tend to be very left brained at times and like to lay things out logically, so a "plan" is a good thing for me.

Lisa,

Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.  Your story sounds very much like mine.  Like you I am very early in my self discovery and am experiencing the same questions and anxiety.  I too struggle with what seems to be a basic truth for people What's my gender?  I totally get the wanting to try RLE experiences but having apprehension because of male features like hair length, facial features, and body features.  How does one get female experience without having that experience being influenced by all those male features?

I also have the same plans to visit an inclusive UUA church nearby.  Actually, I've been there a couple of times but as my male self.  Fortunately, it's in my community and has a monthly gender support group that I plan on attending.

Good luck to you.

QuoteI totally get the wanting to try RLE experiences but having apprehension because of male features like hair length, facial features, and body features.  How does one get female experience without having that experience being influenced by all those male features?

This really resonates with me as I feel the same....my therapist also wants me to experience the world  as a woman to "prove" that I'm ready for HRT, but as you state, how can that possibly be a true test when the experience is so influenced by male features and how those male features make the world around you react and see you.  I've expressed doubt at these tests as I'm also self conscious....lots of woman are self conscious, even without the extra layer of walking around in the wrong shell.  If the true test is to see if I can deal with being trans in this world....without some assistance of HRT and/or some "confidence surgeries" I see that "test" as demeaning. 

Well I think I may take the first plunge this weekend.  After reading this thread this morning I reached out to the pastor at that UCC church.  Her response was amazing.  They do have a pretty strong LGBTQ community there and she did specifically confirm that there are a number of members who are transgender.  So finding people who I can identify with should not be an issue.

My biggest issue right now is probably hair.  Too much of it on my face and not enough on my head to blend in.  But I think I'm ok with that. I've gone to my therapist sessions in full female dress and makeup and it's not been an issue for me, so this seems like the next logical step.  Still a known safe place that I'll probably just drive directly to and return directly from, but at the same time direct exposure to a lot more people that just my therapist and the few people that see me walking from my car to her office and back.

I'm pretty excited, kind of a Neil Armstrong moment.  It may be a small step in the grand scheme of being transgender, but it's a giant leap for me personally.

Good for you! These first steps are always the hardest.

Yes, good for you Lisa.  Connections with support groups and an affirming church are important steps.  I must say that my first RLE forays began with shopping and then dressing at home and elicited very powerful feelings.  Most profound for me after being out for a bit was a sense of deep relief.  I had no idea of how hard i had been working to act like or man up every damn day.  It was just how I had coped for so long and assumed as what i had to do.  The dysphoria I had always felt but, could not name, just took me to the edge when my choices were stay in the closet or be free.

Freedom is priceless and now I have nothing to hide and everything to live happily for.

Quote from: staciM on January 13, 2017, 11:09:01 AM
This really resonates with me as I feel the same....my therapist also wants me to experience the world  as a woman to "prove" that I'm ready for HRT, but as you state, how can that possibly be a true test when the experience is so influenced by male features and how those male features make the world around you react and see you.  I've expressed doubt at these tests as I'm also self conscious....lots of woman are self conscious, even without the extra layer of walking around in the wrong shell.  If the true test is to see if I can deal with being trans in this world....without some assistance of HRT and/or some "confidence surgeries" I see that "test" as demeaning. 

As Old Blue Eyes, Frank Sinatra used to say "If you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere. By that I mean, if you can take the looks and stares as you transition, once you have FFS and the full effects of HRT it should be simple to go about your business. Thus the requirement for dressing to see how you adapt. Some people can't take the heat and stop. I don't know why this would be a requirement before HRT however unless something you told the therapist may have second thoughts about your commitment. This is my experience. By the end of my second visit Kristi asked if I wanted to go on HRT, to which I took about 10 seconds to think about. On the third session I picked up my transition letter. To be sure my reasons to go to therapy were for an explanation of why I would allow the person I love above all others, to walk away from our marriage. The strange part and why she responded to my story is that my wife and I divorced 37 years ago. But it always haunted me, I blamed on her affair. But in hindsight my crossdressing and behavior were the main reason. I learned my crossdressing and anxiety from being born with male genitals do not match the hormones (female) my brain was formed with.

Its so hard to tell if these feelings are new, or recent, I knew all my life so I seen a therapist and was on hormones within a few months, I have no regrets but the fact that I haven't come out to anyone means I could always slip back without anyone noticing. That will never happen though, I'm lucky atleast this I am certain of!
For you maybe starting HRT and experimenting with clothes and make-up would be enough to start to show you how you truly feel, no need to anounce to everyone your trans. Keep options open you will feel much safer and at ease knowing you don't have to prove nothing to no one, and you can always slither back to being just a guy if you realise this wasn't for you. You won't have potentially ruined relationships, but you will be much the wiser!
Hope this helps. Hope you understand lol I can get a little awkward explaining myself

Quote from: staciM on January 13, 2017, 11:09:01 AM
This really resonates with me as I feel the same....my therapist also wants me to experience the world  as a woman to "prove" that I'm ready for HRT, but as you state, how can that possibly be a true test when the experience is so influenced by male features and how those male features make the world around you react and see you.  I've expressed doubt at these tests as I'm also self conscious....lots of woman are self conscious, even without the extra layer of walking around in the wrong shell.  If the true test is to see if I can deal with being trans in this world....without some assistance of HRT and/or some "confidence surgeries" I see that "test" as demeaning.

Staci I understand and respect what you are saying. HRT shouldn't be contingent on doing this RLE test. That said, the tests are hard to do, but they are also a powerful learning tool. I have done it when I felt very awkward in my look, my male face. I think for most people there can be no avoiding the awkward times. I found that I like looking as good as possible, but it was also a right of passage for me to become okay (in safe situations) for people to know I was trans and me be okay with it. At that point, I relaxed a lot and the pressure lessened. I still hated that early period of time, but I found out so much about whether my transition efforts were really the right thing for me. In Lisa's case, her wife stands in the way of HRT. She needs information before she knows what her right direction is. It will not be easy but remaining in limbo is pretty horrible.
Monica