Before transition, before realizing you where transgender did anyone live with the false idea they where actually happy?
I had because for me i covered up my feelings so good that i didn't even realized they existed although that didn't last things did eventually sneak up behind me one of my first realizations out of a couple others was that at seven teen was getting upset with being called "Lady and Woman" it turned into frustration and then that turned into it being uncomfortable. I started asking questions online and researching gender then genders became a interesting subject for me and that research never completely ended. Before i new i was on this site and that site and while doing all of this my brain was going "What is wrong with me then?" (even though nothing was wrong with me) And at some point between many questions many places many roads many thoughts many realizations and many memorys coming back to the surface i started finding out what i was feeling and what i identified with. Although i could tell you many versions of this story being there where so many roads and learning experiences in reality is one story just in many pieces. But what still gets me to this day is how good i had made myself block everything in my mind out and how good i forced myself to believe in others instead of my gut. I'm curious as to others experiences on blocking things out and if sometimes it still makes you wonder "how did i do that?"

This is actually something that has oft occupied my mind as of late.  I grew up pretty conservatively christian, but was never told much about being gay, trans, etc, outside of it just being wrong.  End of story.  I started having "physical attractions" to men when I was about 13, and proceeded to go through a whole gay porn secrecy/guilt cycle until I reached adulthood.  I didn't even let myself think I could be gay, because I was convinced I was awful for having any sort of attractions that countered the heteronormative. 

I ended up leaving the church and coming out at 21, after an intense year of sorting things out and trying to find truth.  But I ended up wearing "gay" on my sleeve (and my chest, and my head, etc) and that was the only thing about me that mattered.  Truth is, I was more miserable after coming out.  I was constantly critical of myself, physically and otherwise, to the point that I couldn't see a solitary good thing of merit.

Between the ages of 25-28, I went through deep changes, and I learned a lot more about myself than I'd even wanted to.  The characteristics and elements of me that were good, that I grew to love and admire myself for.  And then in 2015, I was struck hard by the blatant realization that I was trans...and it freaked me out.  I remember driving down I-90, sobbing and crying out "no" over and over.  I don't know why it was so detrimental.  Maybe because I'd gone so long without knowing that it was overwhelming.  Maybe because I knew there would be so much work and possible pain involved.  Maybe because I thought I was finally getting to a point that I was stable and happy and able to see a good future.  That last thing was actually the reason I was able to realize my identity.  I was stable enough.  I ended up pushing all of it back out to the point of "forgetting" until last summer.

This time, instead of a whack in the head, my learning my identity was a slow, albeit enjoyable process.  I started using makeup while working a short stint with a network marketing cosmetics company.  I took to it so quickly and I loved (and love) using makeup regularly more than I thought I would.  Then I happened upon a retail job on a whim, which ended up being a door to wearing women's clothes more frequently.  It was during this early stage that I looked in the mirror and began to cry, but this time with joy.  I felt so so happy to catch a glimpse of the girl I really am.  The last several months have been full of discovery and hope. 

Anyway, here I've gone and rattled on in pseudo coming-out-story fashion.  But to simply answer your question (too late!), I absolutely blocked it all out.  So much and so hard, that I was constantly miserable but could never figure out why.  My mother told me this when I came out to her, that she's known there was something but could never figure out why I hated myself.  Now I've unblocked it all, I can't believe I would torture myself for so long. 

Yes.

The level of dissociation I built up was incredible. I'm still marveling at however I could possibly have done it.

Quote from: Kylo on January 17, 2017, 05:09:38 PM
Yes.

The level of dissociation I built up was incredible. I'm still marveling at however I could possibly have done it.

This!
I could never figure out why I hated myself so much and I just...wow


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I suppose. I seemed ok at times. Had memorys of wanted to be a girl and suck in early childhood, nothing to my memory from 9-13 (atcually i kinda remember some stuff at 12ish). From 13 to 19 had gender questionings and even a bit of dysporia but nothing crippling as what i got at age 19. So there were happy times i guess

Quote from: Kylo on January 17, 2017, 05:09:38 PM
Yes.

The level of dissociation I built up was incredible. I'm still marveling at however I could possibly have done it.

Yes, this was my experience as well.

I've never repressed any memories, It was part of life and I'm a survivor. I still have my good days and my bad days. When I came out to my mom she said she always knew, just waited til I came to terms and came out on my own. I've known since I was 12 that I was transsexual,just prefer too take my time so my wife can adjust more.

Repression, dissociation and denial are extremely powerful forces we may unconsciously utilize to hide the truth of something horribly painful or troubling that we cannot change.  No doubt people who have grown up being transgender and in denial do what we have to in order to survive.  In therapy I needed to confront some very uncomfortable demons and real events that i simply forgot.  I sadly imagine this experience to be rather too common.

One more important reason to celebrate diversity for those that follow in our footsteps.

Quote from: Tessa James on January 17, 2017, 08:21:12 PM
Repression, dissociation and denial are extremely powerful forces we may unconsciously utilize to hide the truth of something horribly painful or troubling that we cannot change.  No doubt people who have grown up being transgender and in denial do what we have to in order to survive.  In therapy I needed to confront some very uncomfortable demons and real events that i simply forgot.  I sadly imagine this experience to be rather too common.

One more important reason to celebrate diversity for those that follow in our footsteps.

Very true, but i will say i never felt before like i had to transition or i die well, maybe that happened a couple times but nothing i'd take into serious consideration some of it for me was purely being depressed and it felt like it was inevitable that i wouldn't live although i would and understood i would it just my brain giving up on things i shouldn't.
In reality for me when i took the step to transition its because i was sick of being "She" in peoples eyes.
I could very well have been in denial though, but i won't lie it's strange thinking i was because i question a lot still if it was denial or  blocking it out to attempt to live life however i could manage.

Quote from: cheryl reeves on January 17, 2017, 08:10:08 PM
I've never repressed any memories, It was part of life and I'm a survivor. I still have my good days and my bad days. When I came out to my mom she said she always knew, just waited til I came to terms and came out on my own. I've known since I was 12 that I was transsexual,just prefer too take my time so my wife can adjust more.

Yea, i completely understand that i was the same but for me some i repressed some i didn't.
And i hope it goes good with your wife i hope she adjusts.

Quote from: SailorMars1994 on January 17, 2017, 07:12:40 PM
I suppose. I seemed ok at times. Had memorys of wanted to be a girl and suck in early childhood, nothing to my memory from 9-13 (atcually i kinda remember some stuff at 12ish). From 13 to 19 had gender questionings and even a bit of dysporia but nothing crippling as what i got at age 19. So there were happy times i guess

Yea, i have memory's of wanting to be a guy well, i was young so i wouldn't say wanting to be but more admiring them
wishing i could do things like them. I can relate.

Quote from: Kylo on January 17, 2017, 05:09:38 PM
Yes.

The level of dissociation I built up was incredible. I'm still marveling at however I could possibly have done it.

good to hear it's not just me still stuck in the how did i ever do that

Did anyone have a dissociative feeling with their body? Like when I went through puberty, it was like it was happening to someone else.


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Quote from: ds1987 on January 17, 2017, 04:43:54 PM
This is actually something that has oft occupied my mind as of late.  I grew up pretty conservatively christian, but was never told much about being gay, trans, etc, outside of it just being wrong.  End of story.  I started having "physical attractions" to men when I was about 13, and proceeded to go through a whole gay porn secrecy/guilt cycle until I reached adulthood.  I didn't even let myself think I could be gay, because I was convinced I was awful for having any sort of attractions that countered the heteronormative. 

I ended up leaving the church and coming out at 21, after an intense year of sorting things out and trying to find truth.  But I ended up wearing "gay" on my sleeve (and my chest, and my head, etc) and that was the only thing about me that mattered.  Truth is, I was more miserable after coming out.  I was constantly critical of myself, physically and otherwise, to the point that I couldn't see a solitary good thing of merit.

Between the ages of 25-28, I went through deep changes, and I learned a lot more about myself than I'd even wanted to.  The characteristics and elements of me that were good, that I grew to love and admire myself for.  And then in 2015, I was struck hard by the blatant realization that I was trans...and it freaked me out.  I remember driving down I-90, sobbing and crying out "no" over and over.  I don't know why it was so detrimental.  Maybe because I'd gone so long without knowing that it was overwhelming.  Maybe because I knew there would be so much work and possible pain involved.  Maybe because I thought I was finally getting to a point that I was stable and happy and able to see a good future.  That last thing was actually the reason I was able to realize my identity.  I was stable enough.  I ended up pushing all of it back out to the point of "forgetting" until last summer.

This time, instead of a whack in the head, my learning my identity was a slow, albeit enjoyable process.  I started using makeup while working a short stint with a network marketing cosmetics company.  I took to it so quickly and I loved (and love) using makeup regularly more than I thought I would.  Then I happened upon a retail job on a whim, which ended up being a door to wearing women's clothes more frequently.  It was during this early stage that I looked in the mirror and began to cry, but this time with joy.  I felt so so happy to catch a glimpse of the girl I really am.  The last several months have been full of discovery and hope. 

Anyway, here I've gone and rattled on in pseudo coming-out-story fashion.  But to simply answer your question (too late!), I absolutely blocked it all out.  So much and so hard, that I was constantly miserable but could never figure out why.  My mother told me this when I came out to her, that she's known there was something but could never figure out why I hated myself.  Now I've unblocked it all, I can't believe I would torture myself for so long.

You say at one point you where yelling No over and over again it's interesting to say the least because for me i did that
but i did that when i thought i was gay which i wasn't but in a way i think by that point i accepted i was different so no freak out resulted. It's strange how the human mind can block things out for so long it really is.
It's good that you figured it out though, good we all figured it out or are figuring it out for those still wondering.
Life is a mountain we explore it struggle to get up sometimes struggle to come down depends on what paths you take
but once you're down it's like yes rest and once you're up it's like you're struck by the beauty. Strange way of how iv'e put that into words but whatever. I seem to have done some of the things you've mentioned too though so that's interesting never read something that close to be honest.   

Quote from: ghostbees on January 17, 2017, 08:40:08 PM
Did anyone have a dissociative feeling with their body? Like when I went through puberty, it was like it was happening to someone else.


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Yes i didn't always realize but looking back yes i just had trouble even before T understanding what that feeling was till a friend told me so i never could completely be sure until then. But i think a lot of trans people get that feeling of being dissociative with their body even more so when you're going threw the first puberty that's not the correct one yet.
One thing i do know is for me i remember avoiding them classes you got me to remember this btw, i used to be so scared of them classes and i didn't know why. Why i can now answer: I was scared they'd tell me i was a girl and couldn't stop it. That was my way of making myself feel like it could only happen to them in the class but not me.
I new it would happen to me though don't get me wrong i completely new but wouldn't accept it. Then the day came and whelp, we know i sorta had to at that point but i didn't have to like it.

Quote from: SpeakYourMind on January 17, 2017, 08:49:11 PM


Yes i didn't always realize but looking back yes i just had trouble even before T understanding what that feeling was till a friend told me so i never could completely be sure until then. But i think a lot of trans people get that feeling of being dissociative with their body even more so when you're going threw the first puberty that's not the correct one yet.
One thing i do know is for me i remember avoiding them classes you got me to remember this btw, i used to be so scared of them classes and i didn't know why. Why i can now answer: I was scared they'd tell me i was a girl and couldn't stop it. That was my way of making myself feel like it could only happen to them in the class but not me.
I new it would happen to me though don't get me wrong i completely new but wouldn't accept it till it happened.

Oh my god I hated pshe classes so much I would excuse myself from them to go to the toilet then proceed to stall (pun not intended [emoji23]) until the class was nearly finished.
There was no mention of trans people nor was it LGBT based. The assumption was that you were a cis het woman[emoji20] I also had problems because I'm asexual. I still have dissociation even now!
So much that I can't recognise my own voice.


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For me, I was happy in many ways. I have a great family that makes me happy. I love my wife more than I could have ever imagined.  My kids are amazing. Materialistically I've done very well for myself and my family.  We travel, we have our own home, I've put one through college, it's a good thing.  So there were a great many things in my life that made me happy before I came to terms with being trans.  So even now that I look back on it, I was generally happy.

That said, I did also always have the nagging, the background noise, all the things that seem to be by-products of dysphoria.  I was jealous of women, what they wear, how they interact, their undeniable beauty of mind and spirit and body. I dealt with the constant shame of wanting to be more feminine, feeling like a freak because I had these desires to wear feminine clothes and act like a woman.   I had the social discomfort, especially around other men, which I always chocked up to being shy and a beta-male. While I don't feel like these kept me from being happy, I can't deny the constant tugging that was always there.

I have found through therapy that I've blocked out certain memories of exploring my gender. It was only recently, as I started being honest with myself, that I was able to recall many instances in early childhood where I wished I could be like the other girls in my Catholic grade school. Even memories that were there but very vague have become more vivid such as my discovery of Transsexuals (thank you Jerry Springer) and how that made me feel excited and jealous. 

IDK if that really answers your question or not.

Quote from: ghostbees on January 17, 2017, 08:54:57 PM
Oh my god I hated pshe classes so much I would excuse myself from them to go to the toilet then proceed to stall (pun not intended [emoji23]) until the class was nearly finished.
There was no mention of trans people nor was it LGBT based. The assumption was that you were a cis het woman[emoji20] I also had problems because I'm asexual. I still have dissociation even now!
So much that I can't recognise my own voice.


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Yea those classes where painful
i remember feeling strange in the entire thing.

I wish I'd make these kind of realisations but thing is, I've never heard any background noise or felt anything was wrong. I was not happy with life either but I thought, well that's just me, with my characteristics and circumstances, just like anyone else.

I'm not comfortable with discovering I'm trans at 38 and, while I can now see some signs that manifested during my life, I'd like to find I may be hiding something bigger and long lasting. I can't see that happening though, because I asked my parents if they ever saw something strange about me and they said no.

Quote from: ghostbees on January 17, 2017, 08:40:08 PM
Did anyone have a dissociative feeling with their body? Like when I went through puberty, it was like it was happening to someone else.


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If you mean acting like it wasn't there, never wanting to look at it, never wanting to feel it or involve it in much, and therefore feeling like looking at life from beyond a window, yeah.

Even now when I look at it, it's like looking at someone else's body. The arms and hands are mine, they're about the only part that looks and feels familiar, the rest is weird. I only discovered I got a small birthmark on my butt recently. It could have been there all my life for all the attention I paid to myself. I wash everyday and that's about as much attention as it gets.