Before, I was asleep. I had a dream. And then I woke up.
All of these images are of Swords. Swords is an aspect of Air, of the intellect. There's a reason why the suit of Swords in the Tarot progresses to more and more gruesome images -- because the spiritual journey cannot be completed through intellectual means.
For 29 years, I was at peace staying in my head, in my intellect, but spiritually I was asleep. Gotta love that Saturn return, though! Because that's when my spirit inside recognized that I had to take off my head, put it on the ground, for that's how you enter the house of love. The shock of self-awakening was traumatic. I couldn't believe it. But I couldn't deny it, either.
I panicked. But I did my research, and began my journey. Which culminated in a change of identity.
The Five of Disks is even more dire in the Rider-Waite-Smith deck -- material impoverishment outside the walls of a spiritual sanctuary. I was concerned with my material life, rather than my spiritual life. But being of an intellectual bent, I had a way out -- I had to go back with my strong suit. The Six of Swords in the Thoth deck is called "science" but in Waite-Smith we see a boat of swords crossing a body of Water -- Water represents one's emotional life. As such, it was my first integration of my interiority while still carrying my intellect along for the ride.
I chose the Queen of Cups to represent all my medical changes -- HRT, facial work, bottom surgery. The face of this royalty is obscured. But she is undoubted female. Notice the reflection on the water -- for me, this was "passing through the looking glass" as it were, as well as reflection my own self-acceptance and self-love.
After transition, celebration with female friendship. And then, the alchemy of transsexing. Which leads to being at one with the world.
Cups is about emotion, and the Three of Cups to me represents emotional connection with other people -- not romantic connection, but kinship, friendship. I started to learn who I really was and how to get along in the world through my relationships with other women. And I focused on this way of life for a long time.
The second card, Art in the in the Thoth deck and Temperence in the Waite-Smith deck, to me represents the art of alchemy, which is all about the unification of opposites. It represents "transsexing" -- where all of that past that I had to let go of, all of those memories, became transformed. It's the different between having an intellectual understanding of one's personal truth, and feeling it deep inside, infusing all of one's life. My memories of growing up were now the memories of a little girl.
And since then, The Universe. Being at one with myself, being at one with the Universe. Doesn't mean that everything is perfect, because the Universe isn't perfect. I still face challenges from the four corners of the world, and note that one of them is a disembodied male head. Or maybe they're angels. I don't know. But I carry two Wands -- symbols of spiritual mastery. I am naked, and yet clothed -- a union of opposites. I am surrounded by a wreath, a symbol of victory.
Suspended in mid-air... no wonder so much of what I have to say is from a perspective that takes a long view of things...
