December 2016 catch-up:
Shortly after my last post I began helping out at my local theatre as stage crew for their December pantomime. Their performances were going well, I hadn't messed up and the auditorium was full every night. I normally use the disabled toilets between the first and second half but on this particular night there were queues on all of the public toilets and I had to be back in position in 5 minutes. I am one of the theatre's committee members and another was with me and suggested that I use the rehearsal room toilets upstairs. He said that there was another group in but that they wouldn't mind. So I went upstairs, used the ladies toilets (which were empty from the moment I entered to the moment I left) and got on with the second half of the show.
The following evening I was approached by two committee members who told me that they had received some complaints from some parents that they had seen a man going into the ladies toilets, bothering their children and that they had reported the matter to the child protection officer. I was in complete shock. I asked one of them what he had said in reply to the complaint and was told that they had apologised and said that 'he would be told not to use the ladies toilets in future'. I was not only in shock but angry and couldn't quite get the right words out, except that preventing me from using the ladies toilets was probably illegal. I hardly spoke a word for the rest of the week, didn't use any toilet, when I pasted people who were queuing I'm wondering whether they are looking at me because I'm simply passing by, are curious, or whether I imagined that mother pulling her daughter closer to her because of something she had heard. By the end of the last performance ran from the building in tears and have not gone back.
We roll on a few days, a few emails, and some offer to have a meeting to discuss what has happened. I did manage to finally get my mind back together enough to say that this had not been handled appropriately and that the complainants should have been told straight away that I had been involved with the theatre for nearly 10 years, that I was a serving committee member, that I was security checked and safe to work with children and vulnerable adults and that I am really transgender under the care of a gender clinic. Even 2 weeks I don't believe that the complainants have been contacted in any way and are probably warning other parents to be on their guard about the ->-bleeped-<- prowling the theatre bothering their children and using the ladies toilets. The theatre is now a no-go area for me.
A few days later I was out shopping on my own and got verbal abuse from some young teenagers, who thought that it was also hilarious to try and block me into a corner with shopping trolleys but with 10 bags of coal in my trolley there empty ones were no match.
On the 21st I had my first appointment with Dr Khoosal (gender psychiatrist) as the GIC insist on a second opinion to make sure that you really trans and not just confused about your gender. It was a very underwhelming experience and that part of the assessment only lasted a couple of minutes when he saw the way that I dressed and my new photo ID during license. He was short, direct, but never rude. It was obvious that he hadn't read any of my notes and asked me to talk about my life as I was growing up. He kept cutting me short, asking for 'just a few words', then onto what lead up to me beginning my transition, again cutting me off, and finally how I felt now. I explained what had happened in London, work Christmas party and the problems I had at the theatre, the only time he actually listened to the whole story. He started to tell me about the legislation, which I cut him short because I know already. He them asked me to go and see a hair removal specialist. Again I cut him short because he was beginning to irritate me because yet again, he hadn't read my notes. I told him that I had 4 sessions and that there was no noticeable difference. He then quickly commented that the NHS would only pay for 8 sessions before asking me how I felt. I said that I was very unsettled by recent events and that I am now very conscious about my appearance. He then cut me short again and said that he was only interested in gender related issues, that I should see a speech therapist, and that he would be writing to my GP to get me referred to a psychiatrist and speech therapist. I noticed that his notes about me, my life, thoughts, feelings, medication and recommendations were confined to less than a quarter page of A4. I had a few documents with me, including my Deed Poll, which I passed onto the receptionist to get my details changed, another place crossed off my list.
The following day I had my first quarterly injection. Everything looked the same, but unlike the lower dosage, one week on I can still feel where the needle has been and there is a small bump on my skin which is a little tender. No other side-effects.
The 23rd is when I was due to have my 5th electrolysis session but just as I was leaving I got a phone call from my partner. She had been in a car accident, hit by on oncoming earth-moving truck that hadn't stopped. She was OK but badly shaken. My 14 year old silver Peugeot 206 car was a write-off.
Christmas eve, we set out the presents to unwrap the next morning I saw one that had no name, except for who had sent it. It turned out to be by step-daughter, who is having a hard time accepting my new identity. Not only will she not say my name, but she couldn't bring herself to write it either.
Christmas Day, I woke up in tears and couldn't stop crying until mid-day but it didn't take much to set me off again. She went to see her daughter's family and I said that I would like to come with her. 'Dress-down a bit' I was told, 'don't wear anything...' I know what she meant, shapeless, androgynous clothing that would 'cover things up'. The tears came back and I took myself to bed at 3pm. My partner told me later that I had spoilt the day for her.
Boxing Day I went to a family party. My partner had done my hair and I was wearing more shapely clothing. My step-daughter and her daughter were also there and after a bottle of wine and half a bottle of Disaronno I sat with my step-daughter and we began to talk to each other. Tears, hugs and two very drunk people later we had made some progress. Everyone at the party called my Holly.
28th I found out that I had been scammed and had 200 pounds taken from my bank account. Be VERY careful about getting sample products from websites because their 'samples' can suddenly become expensive re-occurring orders at extortionately high cost. The bank has blocked any future payment requests.
The first thing that you're advised to do when you transition is to set up a support network of people and safe places to help you through. In just one month my support network has been shattered sending my mind into free-fall. I'm questioning whether I really know some of the people I 'thought' I knew, whether my 'safe places' are just an illusion and whether I will ever be truly 'accepted'. All my facial IPL and electrolysis treatment has failed. ALL treated areas have grown back and new dark areas have appeared that were never even there to begin with, body hair in some areas has started to grow again and my voice is cracked and broken. December has been horrible month and I look to next year with trepidation rather than excitement, not knowing when or where the next punch will be heading in my direction.
I did manage to get another car, a 15 year old silver Peugeot 206.
