Hey everyone,
So I'm super new to the Transgender scene, very inexperienced, scared, and near to despare.
A little bit of backstory;
I'm currently 23 years old & have 3 siblings ranging from 5-20 years older than I.
I grew up with a homaphobic father & an open minded ( for the most part ) mother.
After seeing a lot of information on transgender people, I began to reflect on my life, how I've always hated how I looked, I've never loved myself, even though I'm relatively handsome. ( as some of my ex girlfriends would say )
I have always been told I am sensitive & I used to think that I had a higher level of estrogen than other guys and I just blamed that for my over sensitive nature.
After much reflection on how I've behaved and felt even when I was a young teen, I came to a realization that I've been living in a skin that doesn't represent who I am & have decided to make some changes.
I had never taken care of myself physically, sometimes going weeks without brushing my teeth or showering, I thought it was due to depression which was caused by some other factors, but after deciding to take steps to change who I am on the outside and try to be myself, brushing my teeth, showering, eating healthy, just exercising don't seem like a grueling task anymore.

A big concern I have is money, I feel like I will never be able to afford plastic surgery for my face, breasts, and genitals, & this worries me, because I now have an even harder time looking myself in the mirror, & I don't feel like I would be passable by estrogen & makeup alone. ( which I have no clue about makeup like 0 ideas on how to do what, I have no one I feel I can come out to about this yet, although I've been doing things I usually wouldn't I.e. face masks, facial cleansers, moisturizers.)

Another big concern is my family, when I was 16 I wanted to get a tongue ring & my brother told me " tongue rings are for ->-bleeped-<-s who want to suck dick". Although a lot of time has passed since, I feel like my "close" family & extended family, would disown me, other than maybe my sister & mother.

Some questions I have would be;
Since I am just starting this journey ( as in, I've been researching and dedicating time into my future self for about 1 week ) is it normal to question is this really what I want? Throughout the day it's all I can think about, I feel like it's who I'm supposed to be for myself, but I question it. Is this the result of years of tying to be a man, trying to fit in with the crowd?

Also, does anyone have any guidelines, suggestions, tips, and or anything that would help me with this transition.

Welcome!

When I first realized the feeling I have is called being transgender I went into a crisis. I had noone to talk to. I tried to hide it and bury my head in the sand. But now 10 years later I have no choise but to act on my feelings. It is too painful to go on living as a woman.

I think you need someone to talk to, who can help you sort out your thoughts and feelings.

I have questione my sanity, gender and sexual orientation since I was 10-13 years old. I believe that is normal when you are transgender. If you are not transgender, why would you question your gender?

Thank you for the insight 😊
I'm just struggling a bit because I'm living with my brother trying to find work and everything seems to be happening at once, it feels as though my transition is an insurmountable task right now.

Hi Aimless,

  I'm Jeanette, I'm a little bit older than you but I can relate to much of what you have told us. I've questioned myself for the better part of my life. I've been a crossdresser for most of and I convinced myself that was the extent of it. Recently I found out I could and did start HRT, I have told my doctors and have found acceptance and support from them. In a couple weeks I start getting therapy and hopefully come to terms with and learn skills to deal with the fallout of my decision. That was my beginnings to become the person I now believe I was meant to be. I do not regret it.
    You post sounds like you could use some help with your choices, help in exploring your feelings and a bit of guidance in dealing with them. I would recommend looking into some therapy. That is usually the recommended place to start when having thoughts and feelings such as ours.
    I have always been one to resist any thought of therapy. I did have a bit before my divorce and was roped into several sessions after I told the woman I had thought of doing myself harm. She basically blackmailed me, giving me the choice of more sessions or being locked up for my own well being. It left a bad taste in my mind.
    But here I am.. I am actually looking forward to getting gender therapy as it could be just what I need to help me along in my journey.

My hope for you Aimless, is that you find the help you need to start your journey to peace with yourself whatever turns out best for you.

   Luv,
      Jeanette

Thank you so much for the response, and in my eyes age is just an indicator of wisdom so I appreciate you taking the time to help me with this 😊

I've made a call to a free therapist, I'm currently looking for work but it's a ->-bleeped-<-ty economy for my field.
I just want everything to happen quickly yet slowly, I want to use makeup but I have no money or access to it, I don't feel like I can use my sister-in-laws because I don't think she would be accepting of who I want to be..
I can't wait until I start therapy so I can get a plan and everything straight in my head.

Do you have any insurance? Check if transition is included.

Hey AR,

Sounds like you are off to a good start, taking better care of yourself and examining your thoughts and experiences thru a new lens.  This can really be a big deal and yes the costs in dollars and relationships can be high.  And then what is it worth to you to be happy as your true self?  Will you be content staying where you are?  It has been said that this is a marathon and not a sprint.  Every journey begins with a single step.  Take a deep breath and give yourself some strokes for showing up here and communicating with people.

The good news is you don't need to decide anything right now but can take small steps to test the water.  There are thousands of personal stories, tips and how to ideas here and places like U Tube etc.  For some of us, clothes, hair styles, jewelry and anything you connect with more feminine are easy areas to explore in private.  Being able to talk about this with a knowledgable and supportive person, friend, or therapist is sound and there maybe a local queer group nearby too.   Good luck and welcome aboard

I'm Canadian Toni & don't have insurance outside of the basic one given by the government.

You're absolutely right Tessa, I appreciate your thought provoking questions and statements.
I just feel like I can't stand my own skin anymore, I'm sure I'll relax a bit more once I'm able to talk to someone fave to face about this.

Quote from: AimlessRoman on February 10, 2017, 01:32:57 AM
I'm Canadian Toni & don't have insurance outside of the basic one given by the government.

I'm Swedish. Our public insurance covers transition. Maybe you do too. Check that up!

I looked into it & apparently the government does cover it, how much I'm unsure, but I'll keep looking into it, thanks Toni!

There are a few things that you can do and still be pretty stealthy like wear woman's underwear.  In the Chicago area in Target/Walmart a package of 6 pairs costs less than 10 USD.  It might take a few times to get the size right but I did that from the start and it helped me come to grips with everything.  Also knee-high socks.

Talking to a therapist is a great start.  They can validate your thoughts and, IMO, help when you talk to anyone.  Be honest with the therapist.  One suggestion would be to NOT use words like Transgender/Transsexual/... or Gender Dysphoria/Identity.  Let them come up with the diagnosis.  It will help you in the long run with a professional's un-prompted diagnosis when you come-out to others.

My opening line with EVERYONE I come out to is:  Have you ever heard of Gender Dysphoria?  No?  It's the clinical term used to describe people who are transgender.  (long pause) and I've been struggling with it since the age of 4.

That takes the pressure off "it's a choice."  Not ONE (literally, not a single person and I've told probably 100 people) has said, at least to me, anything negative.  Even those who I expected to turn their backs on me haven't.  You might be surprised.

Good luck

- Dee

First off there is no "Rule Book". No list of Have-Tos you need to check off to be at peace with yourself. Being trans simply means you are somewhere on the spectrum between Cis-Female and Cis-Male. That is a LOT of territory from simply acknowledging the fact you are trans to a full medical and social transition.

The hard part is sorting out what you need to do TODAY. Especially this early in the game. You didn't come off sounding like a I can't live another day as a guy. Most likely what that something you need to do will change as you learn more about who you are and what your needs are vs the wants.

Baby Steps.

Quote from: AimlessRoman on February 10, 2017, 01:51:26 AM
I looked into it & apparently the government does cover it, how much I'm unsure, but I'll keep looking into it, thanks Toni!

Most provinces cover the genital surgery 100%.  Facial and breast surgery are considered cosmetic and are not covered.  Do check into what the situation is in your province. 

You are young, so there is a good possibility that estrogen will reshape your face, and it may grow breasts enough that you don't need that surgery.

You should get started by seeing a therapist.  Your provincial health care will probably cover that, but you may have a long wait to get in to see one.  Better get your name on the list early.  The therapist will help you explore what kind of transition you want, how fast you can do it, etc.

Something else to consider is facial hair removal.  Unfortunately, it is expensive and is not covered under health care.  It can take a long time to get rid of all of it, so the sooner you start, the better.

Quote from: KathyLauren on February 10, 2017, 08:21:55 AM
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Something else to consider is facial hair removal.  Unfortunately, it is expensive and is not covered under health care.  It can take a long time to get rid of all of it, so the sooner you start, the better.

Electrolysis can run you 15,000 USD.  Consider Laser which will get all the dark hair for 600 USD (at least that's what I paid).  The process is 6 sessions about 4-6 weeks apart; basically 6-9 months.  Then a few months later Electrolysis is an option for the light hair stragglers.

One of the gifts of this trans journey we take it that it causes us to really look at and think about the way we personally and society reacts to superficial surface appearance.  In the community we meet and interact and cross paths with many, many deep-souled transgender woman who don't pass and most likely never will pass and yet we find new ways to think about and negotiate our way thru a sometimes transphobic society.  If we open our eyes we can see the beautiful woman that resides inside all our trans sisters.  The journey changes us. Don't let fear get in the way of what is sure to be a fantastic chance at personal growth.

@Denise I will definitely look into it, I shaved my body the other day and I love the way I look and feel now.

@JaneEmily I have am lot of fear in cross dressing and coming out even though in the privacy of my own apartment I've tried on womens clothing and liked it, I just heavily fear the judgement of family members most of all.

@Kathy Lauren it seems like a lot to take in all at once I feel like my plan will be, voice training, therapy, (continuing) estrogen, & from there I'll see where it goes, but I know for sure that during my journey I will have facial reconstruction & genital surgery at some point. I just fear the beforehand, how I'll be judged.

To every one who has replied to my post, I can't thank you enough for the insight and advice, I don't feel like I can turn to anyone in my friend group or family just yet but I will eventually & it will be due to all of your helping my growth. ❤

QuoteSome questions I have would be;
Since I am just starting this journey ( as in, I've been researching and dedicating time into my future self for about 1 week ) is it normal to question is this really what I want? Throughout the day it's all I can think about, I feel like it's who I'm supposed to be for myself, but I question it. Is this the result of years of tying to be a man, trying to fit in with the crowd?

I think you are really getting ahead of yourself.

Transitioning is very big thing to do and can be disastrous not something you do because you don't feel you fit in or take care of yourself.

Nothing you wrote reflects on gender identity. If you transition for reasons other than bringing the outside in line with your gender identity it probably wont go well.

Go out and present as female to the world, see how it feels, what it is like, if you can stomach it. Get to know some transitioned women in real life ask questions try to understand the reality of what you are talking about. If you don't NEED to transition then dont.

One thing that really helped me early on, when I had the same kinds of doubts and fears that you did, was to see a gender therapist.  Just to have someone to talk to about it, but who wasn't involved in my day-to-day life with their own priorities and agenda complicating everything. 

It also helps, echoing treeLB, to see how you feel about being gendered female, from yourself and others.  While it's difficult to elicit that gendering before transition, just because our bodies are working against us, it's still quite possible, because a lot of people in the world just aren't paying that close attention to everyone else.  You might find that a wig (if you haven't grown out your hair), some feminine clothes, and makeup to cover any beard shadow will do the trick.  But start in safe places, definitely.  If there are trans support groups nearby, this can be a good place to start -- and surely someone there will be happy to help you learn the art of makeup (though there are plenty of YouTube tutorials on the subject as well). 

If you feel happy (euphoric) about receiving female gendering, and dysphoric (sad, mad, scared, disgusted) about receiving male gendering, then I strongly advise considering some kind of transition. 

@TreeLB I didn't go into great detail about a lot of my past just things I did differently than guys like, putting on female clothes, practicing seductive faces & expressions, dancing in a more "feminine" way, but I always felt embarrassed just because that's not what boys do. I once told my sister I wish I had a thigh gap & she told me " that isn't something boys worry about".
I cry when I get yelled at by anyone, I've always been very emotional and sensitive, just from beginning to research gender transitioning I've felt so much happier, I've tried makeup, oxypads, moisturizers, etc. & I love it all. I will take it slowly but it feels right to be myself and I believe I am a girl.
I had often wished that I was born a girl, I've often said to some friends who are girls that I had wished I was a girl.

@SophiaSage I just booked an appointment with a mental health psychologist & I'll be able to talk freely there, also I will take your advice as best I can, although I have no current access to female clothes.
There are numerous support groups I will be joining to get a feel if this is truly for me, I am very euphoric I feel ass though everything makes sense & is coming into place.

Believe me I know it's incredibly difficult when depressed, but you have to brush your teeth. Neglecting the rest of the body you can get away with at your age on a long term basis, but you will develop an abscess if you neglect the mouth. If then don't get that taken care of, bacteria can take the short trip to the the brain and kill you. That's how the actor who played Lorne from Angel died.