Ugh, I think the first few times we go outside as our true elves are probably the most brutal moments we face. Although it was only the second time putting on makeup and stuff, I was insanely courageous. Me and my other half had a lot of shopping we wanted to do before we got hit with a blizzard. So, me being me, I decided to go all out, makeup and all. Sadly, since it was cold, I had to wear my big military jacked and jeans over my leggings which put a big twist on my image.
Even in public I find I was pretty good. Normally when I either dress up or put makeup on, I'll hide my face, bite my jacket, whatever I can do to hide myself and limit any ones guessing as to what my gender is (try to force a female image as best as possible). This time was much different, I was holding my head up high and didn't care what people were thinking. Even with anxiety, I didn't feel as if people were constantly watching and judging me.
All went well until we hit a new jersey store that opened up (as in popular sports jerseys). Since it was relatively new, not many people go in, if anyone goes in at all. There was two male employees working that night and I actually felt bad for them by the end of the night. What happened was, we had to wait for the bus to get to the mall for us to leave, as we passed in front of the shop, I overheard one of them ask "Is that a girl or...?". Normally I'd be bright red and annoyed, emotional, the works. Sadly, they got to me. I thought my night would have been ruined as my mood slowly drifted back into depression. The fact that we couldn't find me a pair of boots didn't help (I'm like a size 13 in women's, we found like maybe one store that came even remotely close).
After guessing we'd either have to have the custom made, or order online, we decided to head to the bus stop because that's how we get around. So of course, we pass in front of the store. The same two guys were still standing there, talking to each other. What happened next might be the best moment anyone stood up for me. The best part is, it only took one look. My other half is very special with a hatred for anything that makes another life form (animals and humans) feel any less than what they are. Naturally we both wanted to be violent and negative, as we both much prefer spending as little time with others as possible. I never got to see their reactions, nor did I hear anything, but all I know is that I was actually proud to be who I was at that moment, despite their rude comments. Even after being questioned out loud in public in front of others, I did feel bad. I felt terrible and downright miserable to just be me, but then it all changed after we walked by them the second time. Normally my emotions stay negative and pull me down for days, but yesterday was special. I actually felt proud to be me. I've never felt so much confidence in myself before.
One thing I discovered that night was that my boyfriend and I live in a really good city. We went from store to store and every time we were greeted as anyone else was. Some people just flat out thought that I was a girl, which was the goal we were trying to reach. The best part was that it was both males and females that thought that. I was totally stunned with all the events and discoveries that took place last night.
I guess the point of this is to say that yeah, you'll find people that will discourage you, whether they mean to or not. It's almost impossible to avoid them, but that doesn't mean everyone is like that. It feels great to be in a city that doesn't judge you. I agree that just telling someone to cheer up is harder than it sounds, but when you find moments worth being happy about, try to just focus on the positives around you. For my third night out as a woman, I feel I was blessed with that experience. The fact that I haven't done anything to help my transition medically yet, gives me high hopes for the outcome I will come to face. Hope this helps someone out there
Rachel
