Hi everybody:)

I need your insight and input on an activity you all love here but that I had to relinquish 5 years ago. Depending of the answer to my query (and also to my upcoming sessions with a certified sexologist) I may go back to it, or may steer clear of it.

But first, a bit of background. I am a 27 years old man that lives Canada (a.k.a. the North Pole - we are also famous for saying eh? at the end of every sentence we utter). I practice law as my mean to sustain myself.

Like the majority of people, I started CDing when I was a kid. I did it between age 10 to 13. It was - and still is - fetishistic in nature. Then, out of shame, I was able to repress the desire and stop until age 21.

At that point (in 2012), I was confident in myself and couldn't care less about what society thought. During 4 months, I enjoyed the thrill of shopping for panties in stores (of course pretending it was for my gf - they probably saw through me really easily), buying some online, and so on.

I've got to say that I have a huge satin panties fetish.

Alas, I had to take the decision to come to a full stop. Why? Because it was starting to consume me literally. I had a blast, in fact, way too much of it. What started with only panties became (and very fast at that) bras, boots and skirts. In fact, every piece of clothing that I absolutely loved (and still love) seeing on a woman. I even took pictures of myself and posted them online. I went out in men clothes but with low heels. I felt empowered that I could show society the middle finger. However I chose not to do it in places where people knew me because I was not interested in having it backfire at work or elsewhere.

It's not that any of that stuff is inherently ''bad'', it really isn't. What threw me way off though was the fact that I was not doing the activity. The activity was DOING me. Without lube, may I add. I was interested in satin panties, I had set those boundaries. I could never EVER for the life of me hold them down. The constant, relentless urges were hell.

I know I am a crossdresser and always will be. I do not believe in the thesis however that one is bound to dress. I stopped 5 years ago and as I am typing this, I have not restarted and will not unless I can get some tangible proof that this can be ENJOYED, i.e. that pleasure can be derived from it without feeling that I am almost snorting coke. Back then, I really believed that it was an addiction. Not only because of the way I handled it, but because of the way almost everyone I've seen had. I have seldom seen people like me that wanted to enjoy their kinky side with having it run the show. All I encountered were people that were consumed by it. Maybe those that want what I want do not go online? I love videogames but I don't post in forums about it. Who knows..

Please do not take offence as what I am about to say as it is really not meant to, but quite frankly, I am not interested at all in:

* Thinking about dressing everyday;
* End up with 1,000 pair of panties;
* Spend evenings on forums discussing clothing (whether men or women's);
* Post pictures of myself online;
* Become more attracted to myself than to my girlfriend;
* Feeling that it is more important than anything else in my life.

Well, you get the picture. What I would love, LOVE is to be able to:

* indulge in my only one and main fetish, i.e. wearing satin panties;
* Have a nice drawer of them, without going haywire;
* Not feeling like I am being plugged on 220V everyday until I say enough is enough again.
* Not having to jerk off 3 times a day about it.

I want this side of me to enhance me, not hinder me, or shall I say, eat me alive.

An example of what I mean would be comparing taking a drink versus snorting coke. Most people love a good glass of wine / beer, but no one (unless they are alcoholic) obsess about it. They wouldn't want to part with the habit, they love it and they embrasse it. However, it doesn't dominate them. It is integrated to their life, it doesn't rule them. It simply doesn't override their every thought, life goals and objectives, other hobbies, interest and overall mental health.

Now try that with coke. A minimal percentage of users can honestly say they've been able to enjoy the activity without that sort of override and it is yet to be seen whether their equilibrium fought the test of time. Most of them end up driven over the edge by the habit and completely lose themselves in the process.

I'd love wearing satin panties again. I didn't feel shame and guilt. I thought it was badass (no pun intended). It's different, kinky,  a very bold statement, and also one no one knows about unless you want it to. It made me feel good about myself. Then it's also a secret shared with my girlfriend, I and her know, but no one else. It's thrilling. Yes, I've never have any issues making my girlfriends accept it. The one I am with at the moment already knows about it. If she doesn't like seeing it, I would just keep it discreet out of respect for her, but I wouldn't have any need for concealing. I always got told I had a nice bum, so it is not said that she would not appreciate it even if only in part.

I was feeling shame and guilt because of my obsessive compulsive relationship to this part of who I am.

To sum it up, I would like to wear panties and keep it at that, for the rest of my life even if it can be achieved. But that's it. I don't want wigs, I don't want a female alter ego, I don't want to replace my girlfriend and I don't want my life to be overridden.

So on to the ultimate question that I ask you guys:

IS IT POSSIBLE?
Can the ''condition'' allow for its integration without any override or is it bound to be akin to try to use cocaine ''casually'', which only is almost guaranteed to be a blazing failure?

The horrible obsessive / compulsive nature of CDing is the whole reason I fled from it. I never relapsed because no matter how strong the desire was, the desire not to suffer the affliction of a cocaine-like relationship to it was stronger. Yes, I still masturbate to it sometimes, which is what keeps reviving the interest from time to time. 

I'd really like your input - but only if you relate please. I know addiction-like responses may not be part of the deal for people that CD for transgendered reasons. But that isn't me. I love the pleasure that comes from it but I am very satisfied being who I am, which is the reason why I do not want it to be altered.

So, do you believe / have achieved enjoying the best of both worlds??

Can't wait to read you!

Enjoy yourself and don't be ashamed..

Welcome to Susan's Place. This is a difficult question for me to answer because it's a bit out of my area. I was transsexual and early cross dressing was sexually stimulating as I did it infrequently. When I started going public and full time, it lost it's sexual component and I just became comfortable in the role. I don't know that this will be the case for you but possibly your therapist will be able to provide more information.

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Well I have to admit that I have never seen anything wrong with people crossdressing if you enjoy it do it. I fail to see any reason for guilt!

As for whether cross dressing always or ever leads into being transsexual I do not know but I doubt it. Yes most transsexual people would have cross dressed but not all cross-dressing people are transsexual.

If you are transgender then you are, there is really no reason to worry about it. Canada is a very accepting country for TG people I gather and if you decide you are TG then accept it and move on.

The usual concerns are job, family and friends. I'm a high functioning professional in the medical profession, when I revealed myself no one gave a damn, a close friend is a leading lawyer, when she came out no one was very bothered either. My family was not an issue and I have far more friends now than he ever had.

So stop worrying and live your life as you wish.

Ok, obviously you have not read what I wrote. Is it a standard copy / paste message that you guys throw at people expressing concern about their habit?

I specifically mentioned that I did not feel shame with respect to wearing stuff and was not distressed in any way shape or form by popular opinion.

What distresses me is the OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE / ADDICTION-LIKE response I experienced while indulging.

If you do not relate, please do not reply. I don't need the typical bull->-bleeped-<- I read a thousand times already on other forums. I need to speak to fellow CDs that can RELATE.

I strongly suggest you calm down.

I would suggest seeing a gender therapist because:

1.  from what  you wrote, my impression is that your ideation on this is way too specific, comprehensive and elaborate to be just a passing fancy.  there is a lot of energy being spent by you on this issue.

2.  my impression is that you have a lot of shame tied up with cross dressing. this is very common and something that I personally have experienced.  what you wrote sounds very familiar to me. again something that counseling can help you deal with.

3. this doesn't just go away on its own and chasing that fantasy can be a source of much grief and unnecessary energy being wasted on hiding out from one's true feelings.

4. you say you have not relapsed for 5 years. 5 years is like nothing.  I myself have experienced longer periods of denial.  and relapse is a pretty harsh way of thinking about it. it implies "there is something wrong with me" when it's really pretty natural if we don't deliberately pathologize it.

5. I personally found that suppressing something like this and being all alone with it and thinking it will just go away on its own if not dealt with can make it come out sideways in other areas.

Quote from: if_only on February 16, 2017, 12:42:05 AM

I specifically mentioned that I did not feel shame with respect to wearing stuff and was not distressed in any way shape or form by popular opinion.

then what is this?

Quote from: if_only on February 15, 2017, 09:05:13 PM
Then, out of shame, I was able to repress the desire and stop until age 21.


The constant, relentless urges were hell.


The horrible obsessive / compulsive nature of CDing is the whole reason I fled from it.

want this side of me to enhance me, not hinder me, or shall I say, eat me alive.

the desire not to suffer the affliction

I was feeling shame and guilt because of my obsessive compulsive relationship to this part of who I am.

concern about their habit?

indulging

The way you are over reacting to people who are just trying to help is even more evidence of it.
Are you asking for people to enable you in feeling ashamed of yourself?

I am transgender. I crossdressed as a 7-yearold. If you can call that crossdressing, I was wearing cloths that were comfortable to me. To match my inner self to my outer self

I know addiction though. Not CD. But alcohol and morphine and gaming.

If you feel obsessed over it, you become angry when you can't do your thing, then you need to talk to a therapist about it. To find a healthy relation to CD. I stopped drinking and using morphine 7 years ago. I don't touch that stuff again - ever. Because I can't handle it. Same with gaming. I play "low dopamine-kick-games". I was a dopamine junkie.

I strongly suggest you make contact with a therapist to talk about this.

Crossdressers <do not always consider themselves> transgender. I have a crossdressing co-worker. He <does not consider himself> transgender.

Moderators Edit: Although some cross dressers do not think of themselves as transgender, this site views them as being under the inclusive umbrella of trans. Perhaps that is the difference. Among some the word that used to be transsexual is now transgender man or woman and the word trans is the more inclusive, over arching term. I edited this post to reflect the views and policies of the site. Please see the first definition on this page. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.msg337984.html#msg337984

Quote from: if_only on February 15, 2017, 09:05:13 PM
Hi everybody:)

I need your insight and input on an activity you all love here but that I had to relinquish 5 years ago. Depending of the answer to my query (and also to my upcoming sessions with a certified sexologist) I may go back to it, or may steer clear of it.

But first, a bit of background. I am a 27 years old man that lives Canada (a.k.a. the North Pole - we are also famous for saying eh? at the end of every sentence we utter). I practice law as my mean to sustain myself.

Like the majority of people, I started CDing when I was a kid. I did it between age 10 to 13. It was - and still is - fetishistic in nature. Then, out of shame, I was able to repress the desire and stop until age 21.

At that point (in 2012), I was confident in myself and couldn't care less about what society thought. During 4 months, I enjoyed the thrill of shopping for panties in stores (of course pretending it was for my gf - they probably saw through me really easily), buying some online, and so on.

I've got to say that I have a huge satin panties fetish.

Alas, I had to take the decision to come to a full stop. Why? Because it was starting to consume me literally. I had a blast, in fact, way too much of it. What started with only panties became (and very fast at that) bras, boots and skirts. In fact, every piece of clothing that I absolutely loved (and still love) seeing on a woman. I even took pictures of myself and posted them online. I went out in men clothes but with low heels. I felt empowered that I could show society the middle finger. However I chose not to do it in places where people knew me because I was not interested in having it backfire at work or elsewhere.

It's not that any of that stuff is inherently ''bad'', it really isn't. What threw me way off though was the fact that I was not doing the activity. The activity was DOING me. Without lube, may I add. I was interested in satin panties, I had set those boundaries. I could never EVER for the life of me hold them down. The constant, relentless urges were hell.

I know I am a crossdresser and always will be. I do not believe in the thesis however that one is bound to dress. I stopped 5 years ago and as I am typing this, I have not restarted and will not unless I can get some tangible proof that this can be ENJOYED, i.e. that pleasure can be derived from it without feeling that I am almost snorting coke. Back then, I really believed that it was an addiction. Not only because of the way I handled it, but because of the way almost everyone I've seen had. I have seldom seen people like me that wanted to enjoy their kinky side with having it run the show. All I encountered were people that were consumed by it. Maybe those that want what I want do not go online? I love videogames but I don't post in forums about it. Who knows..

Please do not take offence as what I am about to say as it is really not meant to, but quite frankly, I am not interested at all in:

* Thinking about dressing everyday;
* End up with 1,000 pair of panties;
* Spend evenings on forums discussing clothing (whether men or women's);
* Post pictures of myself online;
* Become more attracted to myself than to my girlfriend;
* Feeling that it is more important than anything else in my life.

Well, you get the picture. What I would love, LOVE is to be able to:

* indulge in my only one and main fetish, i.e. wearing satin panties;
* Have a nice drawer of them, without going haywire;
* Not feeling like I am being plugged on 220V everyday until I say enough is enough again.
* Not having to jerk off 3 times a day about it.

I want this side of me to enhance me, not hinder me, or shall I say, eat me alive.

An example of what I mean would be comparing taking a drink versus snorting coke. Most people love a good glass of wine / beer, but no one (unless they are alcoholic) obsess about it. They wouldn't want to part with the habit, they love it and they embrasse it. However, it doesn't dominate them. It is integrated to their life, it doesn't rule them. It simply doesn't override their every thought, life goals and objectives, other hobbies, interest and overall mental health.

Now try that with coke. A minimal percentage of users can honestly say they've been able to enjoy the activity without that sort of override and it is yet to be seen whether their equilibrium fought the test of time. Most of them end up driven over the edge by the habit and completely lose themselves in the process.

I'd love wearing satin panties again. I didn't feel shame and guilt. I thought it was badass (no pun intended). It's different, kinky,  a very bold statement, and also one no one knows about unless you want it to. It made me feel good about myself. Then it's also a secret shared with my girlfriend, I and her know, but no one else. It's thrilling. Yes, I've never have any issues making my girlfriends accept it. The one I am with at the moment already knows about it. If she doesn't like seeing it, I would just keep it discreet out of respect for her, but I wouldn't have any need for concealing. I always got told I had a nice bum, so it is not said that she would not appreciate it even if only in part.

I was feeling shame and guilt because of my obsessive compulsive relationship to this part of who I am.

To sum it up, I would like to wear panties and keep it at that, for the rest of my life even if it can be achieved. But that's it. I don't want wigs, I don't want a female alter ego, I don't want to replace my girlfriend and I don't want my life to be overridden.

So on to the ultimate question that I ask you guys:

IS IT POSSIBLE?
Can the ''condition'' allow for its integration without any override or is it bound to be akin to try to use cocaine ''casually'', which only is almost guaranteed to be a blazing failure?

The horrible obsessive / compulsive nature of CDing is the whole reason I fled from it. I never relapsed because no matter how strong the desire was, the desire not to suffer the affliction of a cocaine-like relationship to it was stronger. Yes, I still masturbate to it sometimes, which is what keeps reviving the interest from time to time. 

I'd really like your input - but only if you relate please. I know addiction-like responses may not be part of the deal for people that CD for transgendered reasons. But that isn't me. I love the pleasure that comes from it but I am very satisfied being who I am, which is the reason why I do not want it to be altered.

So, do you believe / have achieved enjoying the best of both worlds??

Can't wait to read you!

Hi if_Only

Welcome and I hope you enjoy your time here at Susan's.

Regards

Liz


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Quote from: if_only on February 16, 2017, 12:42:05 AM
Ok, obviously you have not read what I wrote. Is it a standard copy / paste message that you guys throw at people expressing concern about their habit?

I specifically mentioned that I did not feel shame with respect to wearing stuff and was not distressed in any way shape or form by popular opinion.

What distresses me is the OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE / ADDICTION-LIKE response I experienced while indulging.

If you do not relate, please do not reply. I don't need the typical bull->-bleeped-<- I read a thousand times already on other forums. I need to speak to fellow CDs that can RELATE.

Oh I can relate. I've crossdressed since I was 13,i also had my off days but over the yrs I've came to a conclusion I don't care what people think anymore. Enjoy yourself and quit feeling bad about yourself.

Another welcome to the site.

Yeah, that's a really good question. I'm glad you are scheduled to see someone. Just as a warning, most therapists(not sure about sexologists) will not diagnose you or tell you what to do. They are really more there as a reflection for you and to help safely guide one through confusing experiences and choices.

I too started dressing early, stopped, started up again and have purged a lot of clothes. Distraction and being busy tends to make trans people forget about their dysphoria for a bit, sometimes years. Typically it comes back. Perhaps your urges are not a form of dysphoria and so it is not a good example. If it is an obsessive or addictive habit, I am surprised at your ability to quit, cold turkey(speaks to your will power). Maybe the obsessive nature of this is what needs to be explored by you and your professional. I suspect you were looking to see if there are others who have experienced what you describe and therefore you can do what they do. Once again, I may be wrong. However, I think you have to address this and assume you are not the person at 27 that you will be at 35, 40 and more. We journey through our lives and things change.

In my experience, I thought I was a a CD. However, after a very painful 3 months of self discovery, I discovered it was more for me. I am not saying that is true for you. However, I will repeat what I said. I think you need to address the need that becomes obsessive. After you decide why that happens and what to do to improve your life without spiraling into self doubt and an all encompassing compulsion; then you can ask if you can move on in a particular way.

Just as a further heads up. At the risk of making you more annoyed. This site does not usually allow attacks  or perceived attacks in posts. Some of your second post came close to stepping over the line of civility. Much of those kinds of policies and rules are covered in the links you received.

I wish you love, acceptance and a smooth journey, wherever it leads you.

Sincerely,

Joanna

Quote from: MeTonie on February 16, 2017, 01:28:41 AM
I am transgender. I crossdressed as a 7-yearold. If you can call that crossdressing, I was wearing cloths that were comfortable to me. To match my inner self to my outer self

I know addiction though. Not CD. But alcohol and morphine and gaming.

If you feel obsessed over it, you become angry when you can't do your thing, then you need to talk to a therapist about it. To find a healthy relation to CD. I stopped drinking and using morphine 7 years ago. I don't touch that stuff again - ever. Because I can't handle it. Same with gaming. I play "low dopamine-kick-games". I was a dopamine junkie.

I strongly suggest you make contact with a therapist to talk about this.

Crossdressers <do not always consider themselves> transgender. I have a crossdressing co-worker. He <does not consider himself> transgender.

Moderators Edit: Although some cross dressers do not think of themselves as transgender, this site views them as being under the inclusive umbrella of trans. Perhaps that is the difference. Among some the word that used to be transsexual is now transgender man or woman and the word trans is the more inclusive, over arching term. I edited this post to reflect the views and policies of the site. Please see the first definition on this page. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.msg337984.html#msg337984

Thank you Joanna for correcting my post!

This was what I meant but sometimes my brain is too fast for my fingers.