I've been asking myself , why am I like this for the longest.

This has been haunting me since childhood and it's been rather frustrating.

I want to wear cute clothes and be able to be as passable as any other girl. Female pronouns and a better name would be nice to have also.

But why did that desire cling to me?

What triggered me as a kid to want to be a princess instead of an action hero?

I'm not saying I would want to be submissive or damsel in distress but sign me up to wear the dress.

But the thing is that I wanted to be masculine guy for everyone around me but the person that I actually wanted to be is a disappointment to them. Keeping other people happy , only comes at my sadness. I've been doing terrible job of being masculine in their eyes for the longest and even now.

How did I end up the person that I am? I keep thinking what went wrong with me. What is wrong with me?

There's nothing wrong with you.   Self acceptance is the key, and here's what that looks like for one of our past members.

Quote from: jeanette-alexis on January 22, 2008, 08:08:25 AM
I Am a Crossdresser

I am a crossdresser.  I didn't choose to be a crossdresser.  Crossdressing chose me.  I don't hate my body (well...except for the last 25 pounds).  I don't want to change my sex.  I don't dress because it is a sexual thrill.  I don't dress as a prelude to having sex with members of my own gender.  I dress as an outward manifestation of who I am inside.

I am a crossdresser.  I am your neighbor and I might be your friend.  I mow my yard and rake my leaves.  I put my dog in at night so his barking won't disturb you.  I come over with a set of jumper cables when your car won't start.   I talk in funny voices to make your children laugh.  I hold the door open for ladies, men, and children.  I call the 16 year old girl at Burger King "Maam".  I pay my taxes and honor my word.

I am a crossdresser.  I don't judge you for how you look or where you are from.  I live by the Golden Rule and treat you like I hope you will treat me.  I close my eyes when I pray.  I sing songs from the church hymnal, songs by the Beatles, and songs by Johnny Cash with equal fervor (and usually a half note flat).

I am a crossdresser.  I am not restrained by society's ideal of what is masculine and feminine.  Much of the softness of femininity remains with me even when I am solely in men's clothing.  I am more patient with others.  I can be cooperative rather than competitive.  When my child's dog died, I could hold my son in my arms and give him comfort and then later, take a shovel to dig a grave in the hard, dry summer soil of our backyard.  I have tried to combine the best attributes of both man and woman.

I am a crossdresser.  I am your neighbor, your friend, your employer, your client, your teammate and any other person you might know.  If I have told what I am, I have entrusted you with a secret which few know.  There are many who would do me harm simple because of what I am.  I am not ashamed, but still, I must be careful in sharing my secret.

I am a crossdresser and all I want to be is who I am.

The thread

Hugs, Devlyn

The hard cold fact is before you were born, your brain was resistant to or received insufficient testosterone and it developed in a feminine direction instead of a masculine direction. You can't change it and it will always be with you. In a way, I consider it a blessing because I can see the world from two different view points and it makes me more tolerant of differences in other, what ever they may be.

Quote from: kallaran on February 11, 2017, 05:17:05 AM
How did I end up the person that I am? I keep thinking what went wrong with me. What is wrong with me?

Nothing. It's your nature.

Just as it was my nature to be the action hero and not the princess. That kid would never sit still and be told to wear the dress. Just the expression of what is.

Quote from: Dena on February 11, 2017, 09:28:40 AM
The hard cold fact is before you were born, your brain was resistant to or received insufficient testosterone and it developed in a feminine direction instead of a masculine direction. You can't change it and it will always be with you. In a way, I consider it a blessing because I can see the world from two different view points and it makes me more tolerant of differences in other, what ever they may be.

With respect Dena, I'm not convinced that is entirely true. I think it more than plausible that the way we were nurtured is responsible for much of these desires, as much as biological reasons in the womb.

Let me elaborate, an unhappy marriage between parents, dominating paresnts especially the mother, growing up in a very female environment, being bullied etc, can all in their foster on the child a sense of misplaced identity and therefore gender.

Wishing to be a princess can be seen as a form of fantasy, and unhappy kids and adults are more prone to fantasy.

Of course if one is in absolutely no doubt their gender and is living in a state of anxiety because they cannot express their desired gender, then I think it is plausible that biological reasons maybe the deciding factor.

Quote from: Yanira on February 12, 2017, 09:01:11 AM
With respect Dena, I'm not convinced that is entirely true. I think it more than plausible that the way we were nurtured is responsible for much of these desires, as much as biological reasons in the womb.

Let me elaborate, an unhappy marriage between parents, dominating paresnts especially the mother, growing up in a very female environment, being bullied etc, can all in their foster on the child a sense of misplaced identity and therefore gender.

I dunno about that.  I grew up in a male-dominated household, Dad, my four brothers, and attended Catholic schools, with gender segregation and a pretty strict level of discipline.

Look how well that worked.

I should probably mention that a high resolution MRI showed brain structure around the hypothalamus to be a bit anomalous for a male.   The scans were done to evaluate my high prolactin level.  Much of my biological variation may be do to prenatal exposure to xenoestrogenic compounds.


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Quote from: Yanira on February 12, 2017, 09:01:11 AM
With respect Dena, I'm not convinced that is entirely true. I think it more than plausible that the way we were nurtured is responsible for much of these desires, as much as biological reasons in the womb.

Let me elaborate, an unhappy marriage between parents, dominating paresnts especially the mother, growing up in a very female environment, being bullied etc, can all in their foster on the child a sense of misplaced identity and therefore gender.

Wishing to be a princess can be seen as a form of fantasy, and unhappy kids and adults are more prone to fantasy.

Of course if one is in absolutely no doubt their gender and is living in a state of anxiety because they cannot express their desired gender, then I think it is plausible that biological reasons maybe the deciding factor.

Much of my life I couldn't explain why I felt the way I did. It seemed to come out of no where at age 13 and nothing in my life could even hint at where the feelings came from. In hind sight post transition I looked at my early childhood and I could see how I was expressing feminine in a masculine mode. I knew I was male and I was behaving as male but putting a feminine twist on it because that was what I was comfortable with. Some examples are I always liked to look nice and well dressed. I hated blue jeans because they weren't dressy (at the time). I preferred to play with girls and hated male activities such as sports. My personality was passive as apposed to aggressive.

To me, that behavior felt normal because I didn't have anything to compare it to. To my parents, they thought I was an adult even though I was still in my early childhood. To my teachers, I was somebody who could be ignored as I was quite, well behaved and never ask for anything. To the kids in my classes, I just occupied space and for the most part was ignored.  When you are ignored in life, it's difficult to know that you are different.

sat here in my new flat on my own and being Davina, bliss, leggings a mid length denim skirt ,breast forms, and a striped polo neck top. Happy ,hell yes cos its who I am , not that unhappy bloke who hade to put up with a male body that felt so wrong . So cross dresser or transgender be your self not some thing every body else thinks you should be.

There is nothing wrong with you. You are blessed to be able to enjoy both sides of the gender coin. Deep inside, even the most hairy macho dudes want to be pretty.

Perhaps it's because you ARE feminine and pretty.
There is nothing wrong with you.
There is nothing wrong with us.

It doesn't matter why.

We don't get to choose what makes us euphoric, or dysphoric.  We only get to choose what to do about that in our lives.