I hate being trans. I loathe it. I would get rid of these feelings in a heartbeat if i could. I feel like at best my life can be a pathetic, lesser imitation of a regular cis persons life. I cannot happily embrace life as a trans person at all. I feel inferior and that my life would have been better if i had never been trans. I get a new outlook on gender by being trans?wow great. I feel like ive been cheated out of the human experience. I have supportive friends and family that im very appreciative of, but i cant exist only reveling in other people with nothing of myself i can be happy with. my life seems to basically be sadly trudging towards my next doctors appointment hoping that it will change something. ive lost all sense of positivity about being trans. i cant stand how bitter and envious ive become.
Sorry about that mess, i cant get any of this out of my mind. I wish i could embrace being trans like i see many other great trans people, but i can't.
I dont really know if there was anything i wanted from this post, i think just ways to feel good or even 'not miserable' about being trans.

Amore',

Many of us feel the exact same way as you. I wish that I did not have to deal with transition issues and for many years, I just buried myself in work to compensate for my gender dysphoria.

Finally I made a decision to do something positive. For me that was to transition M2F. I feel much better now.

You need to make your own decisions, because only you have to live with the results of that decision.

Make a careful decision and, remember, we are here to offer our experience and advice. What was right for me may or may not be right for you.

Look girl. You are a very beautiful woman. And in many ways, from a lot of your old posts i envy you. Yes, you! You are very strong even if you do not see it. From old post i have read (not sorry for creeping ) It is as clear as day you are a woman. Sadly, you were also born male. It also doesnt help that you have your dad, ex and others trying to crap down on you for making a transition. I am not here to debate but i think a lot of you hard feelings in regards to your transition stems from people like that. I should know, in a bit different way.Some of my family acts like they are there for me, like my cusion Mike. He was like brother like to me before he knew i was trans. As soon as he finds out he tries to ''be there for me'' . But it is all him talking about how basically i am just a crazy man and am not trans and that i am lying all for attention and of course mocking me and also the condesendingness to go with it. But with a smile on his face acting like he is there for me. I learned, he isnt. He is there for some man he has stuck in his head hoping to re-store manhood. Ashley, she aint playing that game anymore (even though at times it seems like i will have no choice as i am overwhelmed with doubt and negitivity). Like i said, much like me i think you are going through that too. My family, since i was a little kid, and also since i played a part expected a big, hairy, burly manly he-man pumped with testosterone and masculinity. Even my grand father who has been super supportive and understanding has said out of all the grand children he would have suspected i would be the last one to do this type of thing. Like i said, we are here for you. Are you still seeing a counsellor ?

Huggles-Ashley

Quote from: Amoré on February 24, 2017, 10:07:06 AMI feel like ive been cheated out of the human experience.

That's what I feel too.

I noticed it when I was a kid. Something wasn't right. It's no wonder I turned out the way I was if this is true and people can feel it that strongly.

But if that's the case there's only one thing to do - try to get on with making life worth living. What else is there?

Even as a kid I felt cheated, I remember till this day how as a 7 year old I would pray and ask God to please let me wake up as a girl the next day. I even then feared of having my parents reject me if it might happen. I felt cheated out of living a life as who I felt I must be even as a child. I knew from a very young age.

You may not like this, but perhaps a good dose of schadenfreude is what the doctor ordered.  Yes.  You've been dealt a raw deal in life.  Yes. It sucks to be part of the most marginalized minority in society. Yes. Yadda yadda yadda. I don't want to minimize your feelings in any way. They are 100% valid.  But when things get me down I always turn to the old "yeah. but it could be worse."

Just look around and you will see that is not too hard to find other humans who have it much worse both cis and trans. THAT IS the human experience.  In Buddhism we are taught that "all life is suffering." That's one of the 4 noble truths.  So I guess it does help to cultivate a sense of "thankfulness" for all the good things that are going right in one's life.  It's easy when you get down to stay down. Believe me. Been there. Done that.  I've even relied on anti-depressants before just to help me deal with it all. 

Being trans is really hard at times. I went to church on Sunday and some people looked at my like i was an assassin in their midst about to strike somebody. ( i really need to go to a new church like the Unitarians)

But, i also appreciate being trans because it is my condition and has a lot to do with my future. I'm a woman world get over it. People vary from traditional gender, it is a good thing.

Two things have helped me a lot: 1) romantic love- I'm sort of relentless in pursuing it and love to be in love. Somehow a loving friend and partner makes everything else considerably better. 2) Friends same thing here - they support you and love you for you

The human condition is hard as is said above. If we had not been dealt this, we would have likely been dealt something else. Our mission is to get out there and make it the best we can.

BTW, your picture is lovely

I hate being trans, too. It sucks. Life in general sucks. I too lost my entire childhood and things that could have been, but not necessarily due to being trans. (I don't know, actually? There was a lot that didn't have to happen, or that should have happened.)

It just sounded like you needed someone to commiserate with instead of more advice. I'm sure our personal struggles are different, but I feel for you. At least know that you're not alone.

I doubt there are many trans people that 'enjoy' being trans.. We all hate this! I cannot count the times I have cried myself to sleep wishing I could just be happy as a male, or the times I've offered a desperate prayer to anyone that might be listening to just please let me be a girl when I wake up. And I wouldn't be at all surprised if it turns out a whole lot of you -maybe most of you- have done this exact same thing as me.

But we also tried to make being our born gender work, all of us I'm sure.. Some tried to make it work for decades even, and I cannot comprehend of the strength it took to keep themselves going for so long -40, 50, 60 years +..- and the pain they must have endured by hiding themselves all that time. My point is you are not alone with these feelings, I think you speak from a place that we have all been and many still are from time to time. I can only hope you will regain a positive outlook on trasitioning, and continue to work on the things that make you feel like less of a woman. I apologize if I seem preechy as that was not my intention, I only wanted to remind you that you likely chose this path because it was the only one that was truly right for you, the only one that could make you happy and allow you to be yourself. IDK how everyone else felt once they started HRT, but I genuinely have never been as happy and at home in my body than I am right now, despite all the things about it that still cause me great discomfort such as my penis. But I know for certain that this is the only path for me, and that I will keep heading down it even when the going gets rough, as it is bound to.

The thing about our past is that it is done.  We ARE what we are today, and what matters is what path we choose moving forward.  My childhood was just nasty, unpleasant, and generally reduced me to a hot mess. I can't change that.  I can be a better person now.

Finding a good social support network, family or friends that accept you as a human being, is really important.  Yes, you are a transgender person, but you are first and foremost a human being.  Being transgender is just one aspect of our existence, and there is so much more.

Honestly, while I will talk about being trans when asked, I don't like it.  It makes me feel uncomfortable, and singled out as though that is all that matters.  When this happens with family or friends, or in social settings, push back.  Don't let that one topic dominate.  We are human beings, living the human experience, and that has the potential to be so much more than this one aspect of ourselves.

We need to live that full human experience, as well.  If we spend all of our time just Being Trans, we do ourselves a disservice.  We need to find other outlets to express ourselves, other activities in our lives. 

I can cook.  I can wash dishes like nobody's business!  I give tech talks.  I go for daily walks, and play with other peoples puppies in the dog park.  I may sit in a coffee shop and just people watch for an hour.  I meet friends for lunch (today!).  I go out to dinner, meet ups, and plays (tonight!). I go to church with Unitarian Universalists, practically a built-in social life with all the activities and new friends!  I just live my life.

Oh, there are little bits here and there that remind me I am trans.  Getting dressed first thing in the morning, or putting on makeup in a way that alters my features.  My fixation on turtlenecks and scarves...  I try not to let the trans-ness dominate, though.

Quote from: Amoré on February 24, 2017, 11:16:11 AM
Even as a kid I felt cheated, I remember till this day how as a 7 year old I would pray and ask God to please let me wake up as a girl the next day. I even then feared of having my parents reject me if it might happen. I felt cheated out of living a life as who I felt I must be even as a child. I knew from a very young age.

You HAD to have been listening to the conversation I had with my wife last night!  I pretty much said everything you said in your original and this post to her!  I completely get it and I am struggling with so much right now myself...at least we have this place as an outlet!
Paula

I prayed from the time I was 5 til I accepted reality at 14 that I was half male and half female sharing one body but were enemies constantly battling for control. My wife is my counsel and has helped me find some type of peace.

Quote from: PaulaLee on February 24, 2017, 12:42:04 PM
You HAD to have been listening to the conversation I had with my wife last night!  I pretty much said everything you said in your original and this post to her!  I completely get it and I am struggling with so much right now myself...at least we have this place as an outlet!
Paula

I guess there is a lot of people that feel the same way I do. That have been through a lot of things I have been through. I am not alone at least. I have friends that is proud to be trans and won't have it any other way and there is nothing wrong with feeling like either. For me it is just how I feel at this moment.

Amore just remeber, we are here for you and you are NOT alone. Keep it all up <3 xoxo

Oh Amore!
(Sorry, I've always wanted to say that )

Until I came here, and started chatting with others, I felt isolated. Neutralised. Not a part of their game, and 'made safe'. Here I have some solace, and feel a little less alien.

Sno

For sixty four years, of which the last 40 have left me wondering how I could walk away, or let my gender dysphoria come between me and the love of my life. I never believed that I woke up one day and wanted to be a girl. But something inside kept taunting me. Something I did not have any control over. Many have called me a control freak. So it was foreign to  me. The more I ignored it, the more pronounced it became. Something always bothered me and I could not wrap my head around it. On my 7th trip to counseling over 35 years, I finally told the therapist about my long hidden sexual longings. We discussed over two sessions and by the third I had my letter and began HRT, I am too old for GCS and FFS but the hormones were more than welcome in my fight against anger I did not understand. Then I found out due to the timeframe in which I was born, and the characteristics I was born with. Small penis, late descending testes, heart failure, diabetes, my mother was administered with DES for miscarriage while I was in utero. My body was ravaged by doses 300 to 500 times the estrogen in a birth control pill which allowed my body to form as male, meanwhile my brain developed under the influence of female hormones. As Popeye was want to say. I am what I am and that's all that I am. I don't hate being trans. I hate not acknowledging it, because of the mores at the time did not even acknowledge ->-bleeped-<-. Oh he's a ->-bleeped-<-. he likes to wear women's clothing. No that is only one element of it. Coming out was near impossible and the medical developments today while still crude and understaffed are light years from what was available back in my day. The other problem I could not deal with is that because I did this or that a certain way, I was thought to be gay, and nothing could be further from the truth. Maybe if I could have the surgery's, it would be different. I truly hope you find and appreciate yourself for the person you are not the pretty package and ribbons. We are all more than that.

Amore'
   I am sorry to see you still in such pain. You are mourning the things you lost. Probably most all of us can relate. I hope at some point you will be able to move from this point of feeling the losses more then the promise of a new life. I really thing your only answer is to learn how to adapt and move forward rather than look back. Hope you feel better soon.
Moni

Thank you for all the support and kindness. I am currently not seeing a therapist but think I should go back to my old one and try to get to the bottom of the feelings. It is horrible feeling like this each day. Feeling less and measuring yourself up on to what other cis people have that you don't have they just go with life and it looks so easy life was easier when I was pretending to be male there was no questioning no crap just simpleness. Yes family still not accepting me is a problem and it might stay a problem for a couple of years to come. I just hope I can find peace in being transgender and not see it as a curse

Quote from: Amoré on February 25, 2017, 03:41:57 AM
life was easier when I was pretending to be male there was no questioning no crap just simpleness.

Easier for who? Not you I would bet.

Liz

Quote from: ElizabethK on February 25, 2017, 03:46:14 AM
Easier for who? Not you I would bet.

Liz

Well in a way it was it is transitioning opened up a can of worms for me.