I am always amazed by threads such as this one. Although our individual paths are varied, the central themes are fairly consistent.
I've had a similar but not identical experience over the past several months. I was stressed nearly to the breaking point with dysphoria and confusion over how to resolve the consuming internal turmoil over my MtF urges and transgenrderism. With the help of friends here on this forum, I mustered the strength to begin therapy. Therapy made all the difference, rapidly easing the disphoria, helping me to understand my internal milieu and gender conflicts. Resumption of meditation practice really helped gain a much clearer perspective of my internal organization, and aided in calming my emotional distress. I guess I did not take the route that many do, moving directly into transition although I was very, very close to starting HRT, willing to do nearly anything for relief from dysphoria at the outset of my therapy.
I clearly see my internal personality and psychological makeup is feminine if not overtly female, certainly not male. Over about 60 years of life as anatomical and socialized male, I've learned the routine, the roles, the standard male behaviors quite well. I am not suggesting that it would have been the wrong decision in principle to transition. Without going into details here, the consequences of transitioning would have been quite catastrophic for me with absolutely predictable loss of my marriage, most of my family and very likely my career. I viewed, and continue to view transition as the absolute last resort for me short of suicide. If I lived on a desert island where the consequences were few, or I were younger with less life infrastructure at risk, I would have surely chosen to transition.
So here I am, now with substantial time spent in therapy with a therapist that is more along the lines of the Freudian analytic school with substantial degree of Jungian approach as well. Not your typical gender therapist. Interesting that I have had a substantial loss of urge to dress, to the point that I purged all my feminine effects several weeks ago. I would like to believe that I have found a long term solution to my dysphoria in therapy and meditation, but honestly am optimistic yet skeptical. For now, I'm getting along fine. I am regretting the purge, mainly because I liked the stuff; nice clothes I picked out over about the last couple years, accessories, etc. The entire collection became quite physically large and impractical to keep from discovery by my wife and family, whom I have not come out to, or even made slightest inkling of my transgender state. This purge was not driven by guilt or shame, simply by pragmatism. I miss the stuff, not as much the opportunity to dress.
With the perspective that I understand my internal workings better, I'm feeling less need to dress as a means to (1) reassure myself that external femininity is congruent with my internal psychological state, (2) relieve dysphoria (in fact, dysphoria was worse in rebound after a period of dressing), (3) embrace femininity, to the contrary it brings up conflicting feelings about the "realness" of my femininity.
The last point has been intensified by the birth of my first grandson just less than 2 years ago and my same daughter's second pregnancy she just announced to us last week. I am feeling less and less urge to play out a feminine role seeing her life evolve as I realize the intimate role of maternity in the larger scheme of being a woman. As has been correctly stressed many times on this forum, childbirth is not the sine qua non of being a woman. Nevertheless, it is a constant reminder that in transition, I cannot help but feel I would be a facsimile of a woman, perhaps even an excellent one at that, but not a complete woman--at least in the physical, bodily sense. I don't want to have this misunderstood as critical of transwomen. I am wholeheartedly in support of transition, MtF and accept the reality to the definition of woman as an internal gender based concept and reality. Truthfully, I stand in awe of the amazing transitions many members of this forum have achieved, the remarkable strength of character and resolve demonstrated in moving toward this goal. In a more perfect world, as I said previously; I, too, would transition.
But, for now I can manage without having to undergo the physical treatment for gender dysphoria, avoiding need to make my best effort to physically bring my gender incongruent body as close as I can to a gender congruent body. My therapist made an interesting comment to me when discussing how I internally felt odd, unusual, always the outlier and eccentric most of my life. He asked is I was happy with my life on the whole: family, career, personal values, etc. I replied that I was. He made the simple observation to the effect of "So, you are different. Why should that matter? Do you really care what other entirely conventional people think? [My answer: "Of course not"] You are successful in life as a whole but we need to figure out a way to relieve your unhappiness over gender. I don't see any inherent problems with your life or your larger psychological makeup. Now let's work on a solution to the gender problem."
I'm getting older, and with it, the external flesh and trappings seem less important to me now that I have been able to work through my gender conundrum with my therapist. I seem to be managing well enough knowing what and who I am, worrying less about the external perceptions of the world. I realize I am the outlier here and worry that the state of mind I've managed over the last 8 months or so may not be a solution lasting through the remainder of life. Some of my friends here have expressed their concerns that I was attempting to deny or rejecting my "trans-ness" in an attempt to conform to a cis-gender role. Not so! Here I am and here I will be. I'm in this for the long haul.
So, Audrey, at age 22 you have considerable flexibility that many of us who have lots of life's infrastructure in place do not. The Buddhist say "the jewel is in the lotus" which is usually taken to mean something along the lines of the answer lies within. You are at a point in life where you have the time to do some introspection, seek therapy, figure out what you are and what you want to be.
Forgive me for the long post.
Steph
