Hello everyone,

I have been searching for a place of people who might get what I am going through and be able to support me some in ways that my SUPER supporting family is unable to.

I have recently been thinking long and hard about how my internal self matches what I show the world and how that has effected my mental health. Sadly, it has not been to good. So bad that my bf of almost 10 years has been thinking about leaving me because my mental health has effected our relationship so badly. I want to give a little background info just to help make things make the most sense.

I never quite fit in growing up. I was always a part of the 'weird' crowd, which I did love and made friends I have to this day. I also never quite felt like I was being my authentic self.

I was born a girl and raised as one. My dad was against me breaking the social norms and fought me cutting my hair (my mom did a little but she convinced him to let it get chin length), dressing in boys clothes, or doing anything that "the boys" did. He expected me to be and act like my two older sisters. Once he was out of the picture my mom was willing to let me get my hair shorter (although I didn't believe her until hs) and FINALLY let me buy clothes from the boys department. I LOVED IT!!!! Before that I would just wear my sisters old sweaters so they were super baggy and say my too big pants fit me.

HS came around and I always had my hair at chin length or shorter, often in a DRAMATIC a-line, wearing male, baggy clothes and a sports bra with a hat hiding my hair. My poor mister was teased for being gay even though he was with a girl. He just took it as people being unaware and didn't let it phase him. By my senior year I had chopped my hair to a faux-hawk and LOVED IT!!!! I kept my hair as 2in or shorter ever since... until a few years ago. I always was just smaller than a B, so I could hide the chest I hated under a sports bra.

Cut to my misters senior year (I was a year ahead of him), I feel prey to teenage invincibility and became pregnant thus becoming a birth mother. I have made that such a huge part of my identity, being a mother to a child that was placed for adoption (with two loving daddies). It is so hard to imagine that role of my life changing. I started on hormonal birth control about a year after she was born (I tried non-hormonal IUD and hated it)... this is when the weirdness of my life got worse. My sex drive went down, my sense of balance shifted.... I started dressing differently, and I almost feel now as if I was attempting to fit myself into the role of mother/sister/wife. I even grew my hair out, it was down past my shoulder again, for the first time in 15 years. Every morning I struggle to get out of pjs and put on the clothes that let others know I am a girl. Often I choose not to get out of them at all on days when I can stay home. I stay in as baggy of clothes as I can because looking at my chest that has doubled in size makes me so uncomfortable and feel even worse for the day.

I recently cut my hair short again, I have to go get it fixed as my sister did it way more feminine than I would like. I stopped taking birth control a few months ago and that has already made a change to my ability to feel stable. And the mister is willing to let me explore and experiment with what makes me happy. I have been using safe, and not super strong sports bras to bind some, and have been wearing my old clothes from hs/my misters smaller things in order to look more androgynous/male/masculine. Just looking in a mirror and seeing this body makes me smile. Being out around people and knowing that that is what they see.... I can't put into words how happy that makes me. Since my hair cut is still rather feminine (the sides may be shaved but the top is still feminine) I can just slick it back under a hat and people assume I have a buzz cut. I love the way I feel when I am in those clothes and looking that way..... I pass as a man... until i talk >.<....

But this would mean losing all of those roles in my life that I hold dear... no longer being a mother to my daughter....potentially losing my support as a birth mother because of my gender identity......no longer being a wife.... a sister....an aunt.... a daughter...... I struggle even more because I am willing to lose those titles to make me happy.... I know I will earn new titles... that none of those people will disown me or stop talking to me for being my authentic self (I am so lucky to have the family I do)..... none of this stops me from doubting if it will be worth it... if I will hate not being the person I am with those titles...

I have always questioned where I fit into our society... Always hated the way that I had to be a certain way to be 'verified' as a girl, and that I never was able to make that work. I have the opportunity to be the person that makes me happy, look like the person I am inside in the ways that our society will be able to comprehend. I do not know yet if that means fully living as a man or living as a non-binary or gender fluid individual.... but not being stuck with the gender that has been assigned to the junk (or lack there of) between my legs makes me so happy for my future....

I am sorry if that didn't make sense, was super rambly, or was TMI, but it is nice to be able to say these things to a group of people who get it...

Cricket

Well Hi Cricket,

  I'm Jeanette, unofficial greeter for Susan's Place. I am old lol well 64 anyway and MtF getting my fix with HRT since December. In  other words, I'm still new here.
   I wanted to welcome you to Susan's Place. Welcome, welcome, welcome!  Come on in, come on we don't bite (well I don't)  There's a chair over there <- and a sofa there -> take your pick. We have soda, tea, coffee or water.  make yourself right at home. Do some browsing, read some posts that interest you, add a comment or two if you want. Get to know us as we share ourselves with each other and hopefully you'll help us get to know you. Ask your questions. There's a lot of really nice folk here and some of them even know what their talking about. Everyone is willing to help if they can.
   One or two of the moderators or admins will be along shortly to give you an official welcome ( have to leave that to one of them)and maybe a link or two that will help you here on the site.

  Anyway welcome Cricket. I hope you like it here.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

Hi Cricket, Welcome to Susan's. Its a great place and your welcomed with open arms. I am MTF and on hormones for 3 months. I have lived as male and female for almost all my life and just recently made the decision to live as my authentic self. Passing for me is quite easily as Im small and slender. I see that we have some things in common. Sometimes life gets in the way and we have to do the morally right thing and put our true feelings aside no matter how difficult. I believe in life it makes us stronger individuals. For me its been a balancing act of male and female. I have always wanted to be a women as far back as 13 but circumstances didn't allow it. Going through school, working etc I have lived the double life to make things work and keep some sense of harmony inside while handling outside responsibilities. Everyones circumstances are different and only you can make the decisions best suited to your needs. Remember try to be positive and always be proud of who you are on the inside. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes it just takes a while to get there.

Huggs Niki

Hi Cricket 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

Hi, Cricket

I'm a 64 year old partial transmale, so I sympathize with much of what you say.

Several years ago I considered taking low doses of testosterone to escape panic attacks, depression, dysphoria, etc. but now take a Thai herb (derris scandens) used for back pain, which seems to blend my gender modes and block dysphoria.

I could be called bigender, gender fluid, androgynous, etc, depending on which definition one wants, but seem to lean toward a male identity although I can be in either gender mode.

All my life I assumed I was a hetero cis woman. I married and had two children, and either ignored or made excuses for anomalies. I avoided looking in mirrors or at my photos, suppressed flashes of rage whenever someone called me a "girl" or used my given name, felt claustrophobic in my marriage, although I liked being "pals" with my husband.

But gender dysphoria kept increasing, especially as female hormones waned in my 40s. I experienced increasing periods of depression, a feeling of wanting to escape my life, disgust with my body.
I am now divorced and currently teaching in Thailand, but was finally outed a few years ago by a high school friend who is now a transwoman.

I did gender issue research and also accidentally discovered the effects of derris scandens when I took the herb for a pulled back muscle.

In my case, I only transitioned enough to come out to my family and close friends, gave myself an alternate name, and see myself as androgynous as much as transmale. I had already been dressing androgynously.

You don't have to leap into full transition, but can move in incremental steps, are many transgender people do, finding your comfort level, get advice from a LGBTQ counselor, etc. From the autobiographies I've read, transmen typically have far less trouble transitioning than most MtF people do.

Many report that taking T made them confident, assertive, resulting in job promotions. It also gave them boldness to court new partners, they now enjoy "male privilege," increased strength, no longer fear walking alone at night.

In my case, though, I don't really feel committed to either gender.

Thank you for the welcome and responses so far. I know it was a lot to read.

I have been having a strange day as I slept really poorly last night.... but when I couldn't sleep I got up (around 4:30 when I gave up) and started to do a really hard workout.... something I NEVER do.... ew sweating....

I felt so much more confident, so much more alive... and I never had the drive to do it before.... but I want so badly to look the way that makes me happy and while part of that is having a flatter chest, another part is having the body and muscles that I so admire in my mister.
My brother-in-law, who knows I will clue him in on my changes as I feel the need, has agreed to let me join him on his workouts in the am and will do whatever he can to help me reach my goals and not lose sight of them. But at this point I don't see doing that....

I have fears about what I should do in terms of being more than dressing and binding to pass (which gives me immense amounts of happy feelings and eased anxiety when I can).... I have reached out to my doctor for a referral to my insurances Gender Clinic in order to start seeing a gender therapist, I will have to drive to East Bay, but it is only 20 min past where my daughter lives and I make that trip often enough. I feel this will be so worth it though.

Raell, your story about being androgynous but more masculine resonates with me as I wonder if that is the route I will go for now to make things easier on my child and my family.... I have been searching for stories and accounts of people (older than 15) who have done that and it has been so hard.... I am honestly so grateful for having found this community (I know the importance of positive support groups thanks to being a birth parent).

Thank you for being here,

Cricket (I am using an old nickname as I am not sure what I want to be called yet, whether I want to keep my birth name, use my gender neutral middle name, or pick a new name all together.... I woke up the other night with a name in my head that I can't get out and just makes me smile but I want to be seeing someone before I expose that to the world)