This is a nightmare coming out situation and this is currently what is happening in my life so I figured I  I would share. Ok this all started last Saturday (4, Mar). I had previously ordered a herbal hrt supplement online from Amazon to begin my transition (MTF) which was a bold move and I should've done this other ways. Anyways at the time no one knew about me being trans and I was not ready to come out, so I had to keep this a secret from my mom. Well the package was delivered on Saturday the 4th which was 10DAYS ahead of schedule! I mean props to Amazon for great shipping but this was really bad for me. My mom intercepted the package and opened it to find female hormones... well I was instantly questioned, and I denied everything. Who wouldn't in this situation. So the day went on, until my mom said she would get the police involved because she knew I wasn't telling her everything. Well I had a decision to make, deal with the police or come out. So I emailed my mom asking to talk in private with her. You don't have to read the full back and forth it's kinda long. Just skip down and excuse the spelling.

Me: "can i talk to you privetly between you and me, no (my mom's boyfriend) and no one else, i cannot say this to your face, so ill tell you via email but if we cont have confidentiality i wont."

Mom: "Go ahead"

Me: "Now don't come busting into my room all Crazy with questions about this please because I will freak out, I can believe I'm telling this to you and I hope you understand. This is also not a joke so don't think it is and it's also not a phase. If you have any love for me as your son you would NOT TELL ANYONE not even dave because that called social suicide and I will probably handle that extremely poorly.  I'm trangender. There I said it."

Mom: "Well Jared if that is the case you are not being fair to me. I have to cope too. I need support too. Why keep quiet it to yourself? Why not let people accept you as you are?"

Me: "Because it's hard for me too you know, I've been a social outcast all my life,"

Mom: "Well we should all talk about it so we can understand and accept you as you are."



Me: "That's exactly what I don't want, that's called social suicide,"

Mom: "So you don't want people at school to know. Is that what that's about. Your family and people should know so you can live the way you want to.  You want to be a woman?"

Me: "No, I will tell everyone when I'm comfortable with it and I don't want to become a female as in I don't want GRS I just want to take it one step at a time and I've worked hard to prepare for the beginning of HRT"

Mom: "What is GRS and HRT?"
Mom: "When do you decide all this?"
Mom: "I am also not on board with you taking any drugs"

Me: "GSR: gender reassignment surgery
Hrt : hormone replacement therapy"
Me: "What do you mean "when""

Mom: "Neither of those are happening while you are living in this house. Sorry"

Me: "I understand that and I said I don't want GRS"

Mom: "I will not allow HRT drugs either jared. You need to speak with a professional about this before you do anything."

Me: "OK can we do that?"

Mom: "I will schedule with (my therapist) asap"

Me: "Ok, are u surprised"

Mom: "Yes  I thought you liked girls"

Me: "Omg this doesn't mean I don't like girls"

Mom: "Did you like being with (my ex girlfriend) Jared?"
Mom: "Yes but you think you were meant to be a girl yourself?"
Mom: "You want to alter your body?"
Mom: "You identify yourself as a female. Is that correct?"

And the she came in my room and we talked for about two hours. I kinda got the sense that she'd didn't understand from our chat and the emails but she gave me a hug and said we could see a doc and that she was understanding, I could​ not have been more wrong. The next day the first thing she did was give me a haircut, a very boyish haircut. And I should have seen that as a sign. Every day of the week I asked to see my therapist because he is the only one that can talk to me mom and have her listen. She scheduled an appointment for Wednesday but she did not allow me to go, it was gonna be just her and my therapist. That is exactly what I didn't want to happen because my mom is super old school (not necessarily a bad thing). I knew that nothing good would come of that but I was told that I would have an appointment on Sat the 11, so all I had to do was push to the end of the week! Well the next day (Thursday) I got off the buss and was told to come into the family room. So I sit down and my mom says to me that we are going to a syke evaluation center. ( I will not name the center) quick back story: when I was 13 I went to the same center because I was suicidal in relation to my parents divorce. I made a full recovery after being admitted for a week.   Ok so back to the story. I told my mom that I wasn't​ feeling sad or depressed so why are we going? She said I could either go peacefully or go in an ambulance. Of course I chose peacefully, I don't want to cause any unnecessary confrontations. So we go to the center and I sit with the evaluator and explain everything that I have already told you, she was super nice and said I definitely did not need hospitalization and I was a pleasure to speak with. I was very calm and assertive the entire time which I am very proud of! Then my mom went in and they chatted for awhile and then we both went in. The evaluator said that she recommended a day thing (blanking on the name) and instead of going to school I would attend basically a therapy place for 7 hours a day. She did not mention anything about me being trans during our final conversation, which worries me a little. Ok here come there really messed up part. So we all get in the car to drive home and my mom is steaming. I ask her if she's mad and she says this, this really happened: " yes I'm mad why couldn't you have just been suicidal!" I was speechless, my mom was acting hysterical. I then said: "mom I can't believe you just said that, that's crazy" and she responded with: " I'm crazy?! I'm not the one who wants to grow boobs!" So yea that happened. Then we talked for a bit more, I remained calm the entire time, idk how. She told me that she needs a break from all my bs. She even said this was about her. So I went home and just slept I was mentally exhausted and needed some rest. Mom confiscated my phone and my PC because apparently it was the "source of my corruption" and that she needed to look through it. Now I don't condone my mom inviting herself into my sex life and the thing I'm into but once again to avoid confrontation I just let her have them. Idk what she saw but I don't really care to be honest. The next day in school I went to see my guidance counselor and told her my story and she started to freak out because she was surprised how calm I was with all this going on. So she introduced me to the lbgtq therapist at our school. She was also extremely impressed with my calmness and was very understanding of my situation. So she also informed me that conversation therapy is a thing and gave me some articles to give to my mom about acceptance and so on. So that was my Friday in a nutshell. I gave the pamphlets to my mom and asked he to please read them. Well she scanned them and clearly got nothing from them and stormed off all mad saying she needed a break from me. Sooooo yea the pretty much brings you up to date. I just want to say that since I came out I have felt like the world has been lifted from my shoulders and every day I try new things that I was only allowed to do in my head before like cross my legs and act overall more feminine and I love it! I've been working on my voice, which I'm terrible at, and doing a ton of other stuff. I kinda hate my body now tho because I can be honest with myself and say that this is not "my" body, but I'll get there. Oh and yea so the situation with my mom doesn't look like it's gonna improve so I'm gonna move out soon, problem is I still have a year of highschool left ( yes I will be 18 very soon). So im looking for somewhere to live I guess, I'm from Massachusetts , Franklin wrentham area in case anyone is close by, and wants to help out, like I'll pay Rent and such. Sorry if that wasn't entirely appropriate but this is kinda the biggest thing in my life ever so I wanted to throw it out there. If anyone has any tips or suggestions ANYTHING.  I would boobs to hear then because I honestly have no clue what on Earth to do here. Thanks for reading! It means alot to me.

Jared,  I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation,  but it sounds like you at least have some support from your school. I don't know how old you are,  and things may change in time for your mum,  but working towards financial independence could be a priority.  News like this can be a real shock for family,  give them some time and space to process it. I wish you the best.  X

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I definitely will give them time and thanks for the kind comment!

Jared,

Thanks for telling your story. From what you wrote, I feel you clearly know what you want, and can express it. I like how succinctly you described your conversations and the salient points of what happened at home, at the psychiatric center and at school.

Opening up must have been scary. I'm happy to hear you are feeling better for having done so, even if the timing was unintentional.

Now, I'm a bit uncomfortable about the next part, as I'm making guesses, but interpreting what you wrote as if it were a novel I believe your mother may be upset with your therapist and whomever you and she spoke with at the psych center. Again, if this were a play or a book, I'd read her cutting your hair short as a prelude to speaking with the therapist in the hopes that if you looked as male as possible your words wouldn't be taken as seriously. The fact that she took you somewhere else instead of waiting for the Saturday appointment with the counselor you know would seem to suggest that whatever she was told on Wednesday was not supportive of her views. Also, her words "why couldn't you have just been suicidal" on the way home from the center could mean that had you been, the center would have taken care of you in a way she wanted and understood, but instead, when she spoke with the evaluator alone she was told something she did not like to hear.

I hope things will settle down and you can have peace and freedom at home to both study and prepare what else is in front of you. Leaving to be on one's own at seventeen or even eighteen is not easy and I hope you won't have to.

I don't write often, but will certainly read any follow-ups when I do come, and am sure others will also step up to share conversation. I'm also happy that there are people at your school who seem to be supportive. It helps, doesn't it.

Jared,
I'm not sure I can do anything to help your situation, but I'm concerned enough that I've followed you so that I'll see what you post. You can contact me privately here once you have enough posts to be allowed to do that if you need to. Until then you can just contact me through normal posting.

Best of luck,

Dee

Yea the people at my school are great and this has been very stressful for me in the least. I wasn't aware Dee that there was a pm restriction? But I'm just trying to stay calm and relaxed as much as possible.

Yep, there is. I think you're already close to meeting it, though. Susan put it in to protect us from trolls who create a quick account just to mess with us.

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Your story is horrifying, yet impressive, Jared.

You seem remarkably mature, compassionate and together..reminding me of many of my female friends/relatives.

I'm partially transmale, so admire people with qualities I seem to lack.

I'm also impressed that your school is helping you.

It sounds like your demeaner and commitment are to be admired!  I'm reallysorry that your mother is being that way.  The only thing I know to offer is that you can PM me to ask anything/complain/anything else.  It's good that you've found this place, in my experience, everyone here genuinely cares about you.


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You poor thing.  I definitely feel for you.  Though I am considerably older than you, what you have described is pretty much my family life.  One thing I have learned is that family isn't supposed to make you feel bad about yourself.  Family is supposed to support you.  It's a pretty simple concept.  But you deal with the cards you're dealt.   And good for you for reaching out and finding support where you can and for standing up for yourself.   Since you are dependent on your mom for financial support it might not be a bad idea to just quit pushing  for transition for awhile and wait till you get out of high school and get skills so you are able to support yourself and your transition.   It's not cheap.   I know you want to transition right away but for many trans people that is just not an option.  Bide your time.  Just don't give up hope. You're young. You're day will come. 
And it's not crazy for a woman to want to grow boobs.  It's pretty natural in fact.

Hehe yea I guess I do want to grow boobs 

I don't have any great words of wisdom for you and I won't beat you over the head for the maybe less than ideal choices you made leading up to this.  What I will tell you is that I feel for you and I hope and pray that your mother is able to get past her fear and grief and find a way to support you.  You've got a big family of people here ready to support you from afar, I hope you have some friends or other family locally that can provide you more direct support as well.

It baffles me to see that your own mother insisted that she would prefer you had been suicidal...

What makes people think like this??? Why is this a thing???


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Something bothers me about a 7 hour therapy appointment. If they give you several tests to take, I understand what is going on and there isn't a problem. If they talk with you that entire time and try to create doubt in your mind, that's conversion therapy. If they attempt that, you best option would be to walk out and if that's not possible, don't respond to their questions.

I agree 100% some of the choices I made were definitely not ideal, and in regards to conversation therapy, I talked to my therapist about that and he said he was aware of it and that I would see a conversation therapist over his dead body so I'm not too worried, but if that situation becomes a reality then I definitely will not answer to them at all and I will attempt to leave, if that not possible it's gonna be a long silent 7 hours.

Wow, this sounds awful.

You mentioned spending 7 hours at this therapy place: are you positive that that is only a single, one-day, 7 hour session? Because from the wording you used, it could also mean that you'll be spending 7 hours a day there, every day, for an indeterminate period of time. This is a big red flag: the only way you'd get legitimate therapy like that would be if the psych evaluator had diagnosed you with a specific mental illness, and they want you to attend a residential centre for that illness. Since the evaluator said you have nothing wrong with you, I strongly suspect that when your mother went back in there alone she demanded that the evaluator give her details of local conversion therapy providers because that's the 'treatment' she wanted for you all along.

If you have any reason to suspect that you're being sent for conversion/reparative therapy, do not let anyone take you there. They cannot physically force you to get in the car, and if anyone tries you must call the cops on them and report an attempted kidnapping. Because once they have you in their clutches, you could disappear off the radar with no means of getting out until they decide to let you out. So tell your Therapist that you're worried your parents are planning to send you for this, and ask for as much support as possible to prevent it from happening.

Conversion therapy is very damaging, and it's likely that you'll wind up much worse off if you go there. These charlatans deploy methods that include psychological and even physical torture, so it won't help you if you just sit there not talking for 7 hours, because the more you resist them the harder they'll push against you... and they'll pull out their more extreme tactics if you don't co-operate. But don't take my word for it: just google Conversion Therapy (make sure you spell it correctly, though!) and learn about what people have gone through.

There have been horror stories of kids who thought they were going for a single therapy session that they didn't want in the first place, and who thought they'd just tough it out then leave at the end of the day. But when they resisted the conversion or tried to leave, the organisers contacted the parents for permission to keep the kids there. Some were held prisoner for up to a year and were permanently harmed by their experiences.

Do not let that happen to you.

Once you're 18, your parents cannot force you to do anything. That day is coming soon, but don't be surprised if your mother doesn't ramp up the pressure before then... because she knows full well that she has no rights over you when you're 18!

You remember me of myself when I was your age
My family are transphobic
But at least for you , you live in better place than me ( I'm from Saudi Arabia )
Very dangerous place for lgbtq+ where being from lgbtq+ is capital crime punishable by death

But here I am years later I'm in my mid 20's and I will have my surgery soon and I start transition when I was in your age ( as passable as I can )
It was VERY long dangerous road for me

If I can do it anyone CAN do it
Have trust in yourself and work for it
You will find yourself years later a beautiful young lady like me
[emoji1] ❤️


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So yesterday was my first day at .... I guess we can call it therapy camp,,,, and I mean idk it's gonna be grouped therapy which I hate and it's definitely not conversation therapy so that a positive, one KEY thing, I met a very intelligent woman who was a doctor and once my mom left we talked for about an hour about supplements and the affects on the body and all this other suff, I was surprised by how much I knew about anti androgens and fish oils and stuff like that, idk that was a proud moment for me at least. Anyways they were very reluctant to admit me because they primarily deal with kids that have depression and supplement abuse, so it's gonna be weird idk why I'm there really but it's 100% voluntary so I can leave, but I'll give it a try idk maybe something positive will come out of it? I'll keep everyone posted!

Well, it's good that you might get some general counselling that may help you cope with any anxiety or depression you might be feeling, but it's not going to do anything to help with your trans issues. I'm not surprised they're very reluctant to admit you; you're not the right kind of patient for them!

What you need is a qualified Gender Therapist who can help you work through your gender issues so you can make informed decisions about how you want to move forwards. I'd imagine the staff at the therapy camp aren't at all qualified to deal with gender issues, which is why they don't want to admit you. After all, if you're not depressed or abusing substances, there's really not much they are qualified to do for you.

Why not ask this doctor whether she can refer you to the right kind of help?

Hey guys I just posted an update, please check it out!