I hope I am not sounding too crazy.   From day to day when I'm not working I love being my female self.   But when someone starts offending me but not intentionally.  My male self Kevs will start to protect Mikka,  and Kevs will just step up and say.  You are starting to make me feel uncomfortable.  Is that a normal feeling?

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Its like saying you made Mikka angry and disappointed,  but I keep telling myself there is nothing wrong with me,  its other people that are not educated on this topic.   In a way its like using my male side to comfort my female side.

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We are mix of our past and present. I still draw on my past when personal strength or knowledge is required. One day I was out for my evening walk and I came upon a woman who might have been under attack by her boyfriend/husband. He was short enough that I was pretty sure I could deal with him if needed so I stood guard until I knew she would be safe and wasn't being taken against her will. That isn't gender fluid as my gender identity didn't change, I only drew upon past skills.

It almost seems as if you're thinking that it's improper for a woman to stand up for herself and therefore only a male would do so.  My experience in real life is different.  My wife particularly will stand up for herself and create a confrontation if necessary.  She's only 5" tall but I've seen her get so assertive that she stopped a dogfight once just with her voice and presence.  So I don't think this is a male/female thing but rather just an individual variation in personality and self confidence.


Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote

How can I say this.... So much on my mind still trying to figure out myself in a way.  Sometimes I feel its so hard to accept that I am transgender and actually maybe a female.  I always keep finding myself excuses to be a bit male.  But I know deep down females can be strong too.  Like I mentioned before I told people I work in a kitchen thats when my "male" side come out.  Lately I realize. It doesn't matter if you are male or female working in a kitchen.  It always feels like,  im lying to other people saying no im still male to please them.  But deep down I may be leing to myself.

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Deep down... if money was no issue and if I didn't have to risk loosing my job.  I want to actually look like a female,  and be female.

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Quote from: Mikka55 on March 18, 2017, 11:41:11 AM
Deep down... if money was no issue and if I didn't have to risk loosing my job.  I want to actually look like a female,  and be female.

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You follow in a very long line of us who have at one time or another said those identical words.


Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote

Quote from: Mikka55 on March 18, 2017, 11:17:03 AM
How can I say this.... So much on my mind still trying to figure out myself in a way.  Sometimes I feel its so hard to accept that I am transgender and actually maybe a female.  I always keep finding myself excuses to be a bit male.  But I know deep down females can be strong too.  Like I mentioned before I told people I work in a kitchen thats when my "male" side come out.  Lately I realize. It doesn't matter if you are male or female working in a kitchen.  It always feels like,  im lying to other people saying no im still male to please them.  But deep down I may be leing to myself.

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I relate to that feeling  i am gender fluid i guess ..... I've played my male role well, too well and now its stuck ....and i feel fake sometimes  but i don't  let it bother me i just "think it is what it is " no one has to justify  themselves  to anyone and anyway most critics have more to hide then their targets anyway
Ps my feelings exsactly on looking female. ...i wouldn't  worry about losing your job  and i can seee from your avatar  that it would not take much to accomplish  for you

Quote from: markie on March 19, 2017, 01:35:18 AM
I relate to that feeling  i am gender fluid i guess ..... I've played my male role well, too well and now its stuck ....and i feel fake sometimes  but i don't  let it bother me i just "think it is what it is " no one has to justify  themselves  to anyone and anyway most critics have more to hide then their targets anyway

What do you mean you play your male role too much that its stuck?

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Quote from: Deborah on March 18, 2017, 01:15:53 PM
You follow in a very long line of us who have at one time or another said those identical words.

  Raising my hand.  Guilty as charged.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

Well for me I have been playing the male role for a long time too,  but you have no idea how bad I want to tell them i'm not really fully male.   I make look male.. But most days I feel female

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Quote from: Mikka55 on March 19, 2017, 01:39:14 AM
What do you mean you play your male role too much that its stuck?

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In the eyes of others.... i work on earth moving infrastructure  projects  in the australian outback it is a male dominated industry  one always meets up with  people you've  worked with  in these places ,  anyway  thats whats been bestowed  on me by others alpha  male  as far as they are concerned, males and females   ...talk about judging a book by its cover .....
I cultivated  that look to protect myself  but i,m no mouthy red neck either  ...it just the way i look too my physical  apperance 
and i too would like to tell that i,m female
At the camp shop the other day i was buying some nail cliippers and i just said to the girl behind the counter  during conversation  ...i would like to grow my fingernails long and paint them black ...but I'd  cop so much flak from my work mates she agreed  .....theres only a few hundred people in this camp so i wonder if thats going to get around ....still if confronted  about it i would say yes ....

Quote from: markie on March 19, 2017, 02:00:24 AM
I cultivated  that look to protect myself  but i,m no mouthy red neck either  ...it just the way i look too my physical  apperance

Good i'm not alone.

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Quote from: Mikka55 on March 17, 2017, 10:31:46 PM
I hope I am not sounding too crazy...when someone starts offending me but not intentionally.  My male self Kevs will start to protect Mikka,  and Kevs will just step up and say.  You are starting to make me feel uncomfortable.  Is that a normal feeling?

This is my reality because I am crazy (Multiple Personality/Dissociative Identity Disorder because of childhood sexual and psychological abuse).
There are 6 of us in my System. Each of us has our own job to do. But it is Protector who steps in and takes over when one of us feels threatened, not my male alter, Primary. His job is to handle physical pain.

Unless Kevs and Mikka are separate identities, gender is just another way of expressing the same person. It is normal to behave differently in different situations, but my Psychologist explained it is not healthy to experience the level of separateness you are describing in the same person.

Quote from: flytrap on March 19, 2017, 10:21:13 AM
It is normal to behave differently in different situations, but my Psychologist explained it is not healthy to experience the level of separateness you are describing in the same person.

I know its not healthy to split Kevs and Mikka like that.  That's kinda why I asked if it was normal todo that.
I mean I am happier being Mikka I'm still me... but i'm just more girly and act more feminine.  But I'm still me.  I still talk normal.


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Im also asking that question about being Kevs and Mika because when ever my best friend and I talk,  we talk like Kevs and Mikka are 2 different people.  I know my friend is doing that to make my life easier as Mikka or Kevs.  Well now I know its dangerous to split,  Ill just be kevs when im normal or nothing,  then I think I should  be Mikka when I act more feminine. 

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Quote from: Deborah on March 18, 2017, 09:41:26 AM
It almost seems as if you're thinking that it's improper for a woman to stand up for herself and therefore only a male would do so.  My experience in real life is different.  My wife particularly will stand up for herself and create a confrontation if necessary.  She's only 5" tall but I've seen her get so assertive that she stopped a dogfight once just with her voice and presence.  So I don't think this is a male/female thing but rather just an individual variation in personality and self confidence.


Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote

+1 Plus sounds a lot like my wife. She will reach down your throat and pull your heart out if she felt that course of action was necessary.

There is NOTHING wrong with standing up for yourself. The feelings you have a valid and oh so very real. Don't let Shame & Guilt mess with your head. The demure quiet totally non-confrontational woman is from a bygone era. (I'll be PC for the sake of discussion)

People often use different names to refer to themself in different roles in their lives (Mommy, coworker, wife). It is not normal if they begin to view themself as separate people. Dissociative compartmentalization like the alters of my System are a sign of a deeply rooted physiological problem.

It's just that living my whole life as a male and being told what its like being male is like really messes with my mind especially if I know I feel female on the inside.   I know I should be brave and be true to myself.  I need to embrace my fears of coming out.  I NEVER want to get to the point of saying what is the whole point of being female,  if society will judge you,  its better just be male.  I NEVER want to do that.  Cuz I will hate myself.

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Its really HARD living as 2 genders

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