TL;DR: Name's Theo. I'm a Gamer with her head in the Plot of it all, hoping to Transition (MTF) despite preexisting conditions and become an avid Game Developer. Nice to meet you!! ^.=.^ Fair warning on the long intro below, it be long yo'! (I also HATE the.. policy.. of no illicit language. Just me, but I feel like it's a side-step of emphatic preference. Devil's Advocate: I understand why.[Kinda])
(P.S: This account was made literally years ago, so I can't update/change any forum profile objects like my signature.. Sorry if it doesn't make any sense!)
To begin I should just say that I am long-winded and prone to esoteric meandering at intervals, and I wasn't entirely certain that all of this should be posted to this forum location, so I will providing a (possibly necessary) TL;DR clause as a prefix of this posting. So, without further pretense- my introduction!
It won't be clear, from what you see, but my name is Theo Voidstorm McKenzie ('Voidstorm' pending court approval). I am a Male-To-Female Transgender. I discovered this years ago, and my account could corroborate this information, as I had created it just after I had moved just outside the realm of questioning. I was certain, resolute, and frankly terrified. So I never posted.. anything, ever. Much like when I had come out as gay, I felt like my world would shatter with words from me to my loved ones, and sadly I had remained as such for a long time thereafter. Nearly three years, in fact. With determination, fervent searching, inordinate amounts of attempting to finally find help, I succeeded..
Though my name shows Sebrina (or it might show S3brina, I'm not sure since this is my first post), I had actually settled on Theo. I had felt that Theo was an amazing androgynous name for so long, and my yearning to be more feminine was so vehement that I couldn't pass on wearing it as a nickname for a long time. I was hiding out as a male for so long, I had planned my future around this deception. However, the name itself began to grow around me that I embodied it without uncertainty, and thus (along with my new family name [I should clarify that my family is my mother & sister, and I]) I became Theo McKenzie. Though the middle name, as interesting as it may sound, is born of Philosophic insight (a story for another time, perhaps?)
I lived most of my life as a Homosexual Male, which suited me fine at the time, though not for any pleasant reason. Not to get terribly dramatic or self-pitying, but it would be amiss not to state my mentality leading to this point, I grew up poor. At around or below the poverty level for many years as a minor, I had been inadvertently forced into laboring under heavy load through multiple jobs to make ends, and this meant dealing frequently with the cis-white-het-male mould across multiple employers, a dangerous notion for even the most masculine homosexual. Pretend I must, so pretend I had. So the 'Great Delay' had been, and it was not easy- save for the testosterone production, which helped me survive death threats and working until my body began to fail. Bilateral Achilles Tendinitis, Carpel Tunnel, a minor Back Injury, and various severe cuts+bruises. All for Family, all out of Necessity. There's a golden light ahead, however.
Traversing ahead to the future, I've already a singular degree under my name, and I am back in college for a less-strenuous career path. I am a little heavier-set than I'd prefer, my current degree being in Culinary Arts; it meant tasting the fattiest meals before plating, coupled with being over 21 and having a savant-like taste for fine crafted alcoholic beverages- it added up. So I am actively pursuing a degree in Information Technology, and while I'm outside smoking (fie and shame) I met few driven individuals, two of which gave me the confidence to finally admit to myself: I am not a man, I never have been, and I should never be afraid of this. Though those two have moved away, and out of my life, they gave me a wonderful parting gift. Though this give wasn't a shield from my fears.
How could I tell my family? My friends? They already knew I was Gay, how could I turn them on their heads again? How could I explain that my "certainty" was simply the settlement I had taken to in order to succeed in society? I couldn't, not at the moment, so I began searching- only to be abruptly halted in my search for answers.. I died, at least for a short time.
I went with two of my dearest friends to a mountain range to snowboard in the less-than-fresh powder. The tricky-kicker? I had never snowboarded, or partaken in any snow-based sports. So I boarded up and tried my shot at living dangerously. I was afraid of heights, so the idea of hopping on a ski-lift hundreds of feet above packed snow was already not thrilling. I took my chances, trying not to panic despite my reservations. Made it! For the next six hours I kept trying to snowboard down the first slope up from 'bunny', and at one time- just one -I succeeded! I stayed up and gathered momentum! Bugger.. BUGGER! TOO FAST! I did the one thing you're supposed to when going to fast, but I caught a corner and immediately flipped forward onto my face.. then again over onto my back. I had so much momentum that I did a loony-toons flip, it sucked (there is no elegant way to put that). By the time I correlated what had happened in my mind, it was too late. I got up, feeling completely defeated, and stumbled down the mountain. I finally reached my significantly more successful friends at the bottom and informed them that I felt it was time for me to rest in front of the fire, they told me they would continue until closing and I encouraged them to do so. I left them at the ski lift and went to rest at the outdoor fires. But I never made it..
Out of sight of my loved ones, I fell over- I couldn't breathe, couldn't move, could barely think. I was in so much pain that I couldn't comprehend my responses and barely remember what happened next. I was led into the cabin inside, where I awaited medics, who checked me out and listened to my feedback. Unfortunately they were general medics without specialized training. I was having a Heart Attack. It was 4PM when it started, 5PM when the range closed, 5:25PM when my friends showed up, 6PM when we departed the mountain. For another 15 minutes I suffered more pain than I could ever have imagined as we drove away, it wasn't long before I requested we go to a hospital. We arrived, after just having passed the most opportune off-ramp, to the nearest hospital. When I started walking in, I was cold, convulsing, crying, and coughing with what little breath I could muster. Half an hour, and two useless shots of Morphine later, the surgeon approached my table and began while I was still conscious and cognitive of my surroundings. I tried to joke with the bugger, "Hey Doc.. you in a hurry? Heh." Curtly he responded, "Yes." So for almost three hours I suffered, blinding pain while I slowly died.
I don't remember much beyond that, thank goodness for Anesthesia. But I had, for a time, died of Heart complications. This meant for a long recovery, one with it's own future complications. Those being 6 medications I must take every 12 hours to keep my heart ticking away, an inability to walk 10ft without feeling like I've run a marathon, and some medications potentially interfering with Estrogen and Hormone Replacement Therapy. (Meanwhile the doctors were sickeningly keen on informing me how close to dying I was.) Speaking of..
I spent many months building my strength, working on my dexterity, and hoping.. Hoping that I could finish what I started, and I was given the most unlikely of opportunities. I tried getting appointments for Therapists/Psychologists for years, and was rejected based one Insurance coverage, availability, priority, untold-criterion, and simple forgetting (I was first on a list for a specialist, she assured me she would give me a call, never did. Then rejected my latest application, no reason why). Then suddenly a new form of procedure came along, as well as a single clinic that followed it, ICATH. The 'Informed Consent' model. My one and only savior for these times, my opportunity to become whole. My doctor (a transgender herself) has been working directly with my cardiologist to formulate a plan, and as soon as my insurance gets it's head out of its.. unseemly self, I will have the beginning of my new medicinal regiment.
I'm not sure why it is that I have shared so much information, maybe because I like to tell stories, maybe because I am still afraid.. but in any case, I am back on these forums, ready to tackle my future and make sure I get there in one piece.
I am Theo Voidstorm McKenzie, I am a woman, and I am glad to come out to a community that can relate. And despite all of this.. I'm still terrified.
