Yes, you're at the most difficult stage right now: waiting to get started with your medical transition is definitely the hardest part.
Quote from: maksim on March 30, 2017, 10:39:41 PM
One thing I didn't mind so much about that year that I lived as female was that no one gave me a second glance when I passed by.
They never questioned me when I was young and living as male either.
Your age might have something to do with it. You say you socially transitioned at 14, then detransitioned for a while and are now starting to transition again at 18. Well, a 14-year-old boy doesn't look very different from a 14-year-old girl really (apart from clothes & hair). He isn't yet overtly masculine: he may not yet be growing facial hair; his voice probably hasn't dropped; his bone structure hasn't changed; etc. So yes, when you were 14 you didn't look or sound significantly different from 14-year-old bio boys. So of course people didn't question it. But as you get older, the boys around you have been going through puberty and they now look and sound
very different than they did when you first socially transitioned. It's a
lot easier to pass as a 14-year-old than as an 18-year-old.
Quote from: maksim on March 30, 2017, 10:39:41 PM
It's different now. Every time I go out, people stare and people call me "ma'am" and "miss" so readily, despite my best efforts to look as masculine as possible. I don't want to dress in a hypermasculine way, but I have to in order to pass -- even then it doesn't work.
Puberty has done me dirty. Any ability I had to pass as a young teenager has completely gone away, because to other people, I'm a tomboy or a butch lesbian now.
Less of a tomboy, more of a butch lesbian in my experience. Someone who looks & sounds biologically female but dresses in a masculine fashion (especially with short hair) is presumed to be a lesbian once you've reached a certain age. I hated this phase of my transition because nothing could be further from the truth: I have zero interest in women.
There's also the age thing: nobody addresses you as "ma'am" when you're 14, but by the time you get to 18 you're a young adult so all the "sir"/'ma'am" stuff starts getting more common. We adults have to put up with these courtesy titles all the time I'm afraid.
Here's the thing: women object very strongly to being referred to as 'sir'. Including (perhaps especially!) many butch lesbians. So if people are in any doubt, they'll address you as "ma'am" simply because they're trying to be respectful and they don't want to offend someone they presume to be a butch lesbian.
It's also possible that you're noticing it more than before, because of the way you're feeling.
Quote from: maksim on March 30, 2017, 10:39:41 PM
I know it shouldn't matter to me, and I know confidence is key, but I don't want to be confusing. I want people to see me as the man I am.
I know, and it's very painful. But trust me: this phase passes once you do. Those of us who are on the FtM side of the spectrum - and especially young guys like yourself - are extremely fortunate in that most of us wind up passing very well indeed. I started my transition at 40 and nobody would ever suspect I was assigned female at birth. We're really lucky in that way... but it does take time to get there. And waiting to get there is torturous.
Quote from: maksim on March 30, 2017, 10:39:41 PM
So many people are so happy to be as confusing as they can be with their gender, and part of me is glad that I look masculine enough to make people stare to figure me out, but they always jump to the wrong conclusions.
In my experience, people do a three-point check when trying to figure out your gender. First they look at your face. If they can't immediately figure out your apparent gender from that, then next they look at your chest. A tell-tale bulge in the mid-chest region is read as female, whereas a flat chest is read as male. But if that's also inconclusive, then finally they look at your groin. A bulge is read as male, and a flat groin is read as female.
So make sure you do as much as you can about all three regions, and people will start gendering you correctly again.
Quote from: maksim on March 30, 2017, 10:39:41 PM
Again, it shouldn't matter to me because I understand that it's just a natural human reaction to look twice when you don't understand something. We do it when we read, when we see confusing images, and when we just know that something's not right or "normal", I totally get it. So why can't I accept it?
Because it's intrusive. They're intruding on your personal space by staring at you. People don't generally pay that much attention to other people's appearances; usually they take a quick overview of the face & body to identify whether the person is a threat or a potential mate, and they move on. But we find ourselves under more scrutiny because of other people's confusion. It's rude of them, and it's intrusive, and sadly there's nothing we can do about it. Unless you have the courage to give them the same stare (but dial it up to 11), or to go up to them & ask if they want your autograph. I've done both, and they're super-effective.
Quote from: maksim on March 30, 2017, 10:39:41 PM
I'm just not happy right now. I have very little enthusiasm anymore, because even as the date for my referral letter draws near, it just seems further and further away every time I leave the house.
I feel like I'll never be seen as a man. Once again, just like when I was 10, it's a distant dream.
Tbh we all feel this way. It seems impossible, and we feel that nothing will ever change and that we'll always feel this way. But then that referral comes through; and we go on T; and we have top surgery etc.... and all of a sudden everyone spontaneously calls you "sir". People start laughing at your same old jokes instead of just rolling their eyes. Women start flirting with you in ways that have never happened before (that one's hilarious for me, because they're barking up the wrong tree!). And before you know it, everyone suddenly recognises that you
are a man... and that 10-year-old's distant dreams have actually become your reality.
