I think it is very easy for the trans person to become self absorbed in their transition (aka selfish). After years of denial and suppression, once we become aware that we are not some kind of sick and twisted perverts and the reason for our thoughts and desires is because we are trans, then it just becomes full steam ahead to find a way to ease the torment we have suffered all these years. For many, transition is the only "cure" to the internal mental torment. I need to make a conscious effort to slow things down to allow my wife time to adjust and catch up. I've had my whole life to process what is happening to me, even though I only recently accepted being trans. My wife has has only a matter of months. I would consider myself very selfish if I didn't give her the chance to take things at her own pace to adapt to our new reality.

pligirl75, you are a wonderful wife to StaciM.

Jessie

Quote from: Jessie007 on April 03, 2017, 07:31:55 PM
I think it is very easy for the trans person to become self absorbed in their transition (aka selfish). After years of denial and suppression, once we become aware that we are not some kind of sick and twisted perverts and the reason for our thoughts and desires is because we are trans, then it just becomes full steam ahead to find a way to ease the torment we have suffered all these years. For many, transition is the only "cure" to the internal mental torment. I need to make a conscious effort to slow things down to allow my wife time to adjust and catch up. I've had my whole life to process what is happening to me, even though I only recently accepted being trans. My wife has has only a matter of months. I would consider myself very selfish if I didn't give her the chance to take things at her own pace to adapt to our new reality.

Couldn't have said it better! I just came out. My wife is having difficulty understanding what it feels like to want to be the opposite sex. She is bothered by my desire to wear panties under my clothes. I have explained to her that I want to look like a woman and although panties are just clothes, wearing them and not being ashamed to wear them helps with my own self acceptance. She definitely needs time to adapt and we both need to take this real slow. Ultimately, I don't know where our relationship will go, but it will definitely go nowhere if I am not me and instead am a constantly depressed person.

Jessie

Quote from: VivianJane on March 31, 2017, 10:38:51 PM
I really hate it when people accuse us of being selfish.
After years, decades of denial where we have been anything but selfish to be called that at this time is a slap in the face.
When someone finally comes out after so long, believe me we agonize over it before and after doing so.
We are well aware of the gravity of the situation and there are lots of us who want our marriages to work out.
Understand that it is very typical for wives to be kinda freaking for the first few months.
Counsel is needed and it isn't up to the person in transition to provide all the answers that might calm the fears of the wife.
This is a stressful time for each person and is absolutely not a time to be reading anybody the riot act with "You better listen to me or else".
People need to go see someone and talk it out, few people even need any intensive therapy.
Just find someone who does general counselling because it is hard to find people who have trans health experience anyway. If you do have trans or lgbt health services then great, avail yourself.
But stop dumping on each other.
My partner asked we to please just stop talking about trans stuff too much, I did and she was very much happier.
In time she saw that I was basically the same person but now with a different presentation, and name, and body, and a few other things but hey...you will get used to it.

Vivian,
   I meant no disrespect to trans people. I think it is understandable to want to finally focus on your true self after hiding. A better description might be self absorbed rather than selfish. To me it is all about two way respect when two are in a relationship and one is trans. I definitely have to monitor myself to make sure it is not all about me and my transition. I have to make sure she is okay. I don't sell my transition short though. It is a balance. If I want respect I darn well better be able to give it.
Moni

Quote from: karenk1959 on March 29, 2017, 08:47:38 AM
I think it also bothers her that my panties and bras are much sexier than hers. I don't know if she will be able to adapt to this new norm and stay in our marriage. If you have any words of wisdom that would be great. You have a great attitude!

While this seems like a side track detail, my wife's attitude might be instructive. She is not attracted to women, and doesn't want me to shave my chest -- she likes my so-called manliness. On the other hand, she's very supportive of my crossdressing, and has taken me shopping for dresses, bras and jewelry. She calls me her "little sister" since I'm new at all this and she can lead me along. Sometimes I'm her "big sister" because I'm taller lol. But she has sort-of complained that I look a lot younger than her when I dress. When I encourage her to dress/makeup the same way, she says that isn't her, she doesn't do that. She gently wonders why I want to dress to the nines and do makeup, when she doesn't do that. She asks, "Who are you trying to attract?" I think there's an implicit threat in what I do, that makes her uncomfortable.

So we need to understand this about our SO's -- we may be coming along about 30 years behind them, like teenagers exploring clothes, makeup, social roles, etc. We need to make sure to be inclusive, don't go too far too fast, be sensitive and not too self-absorbed.

I'm so happy for those of you happily married, and aspire to the same.

Love, Randy

I am a bi female mostly interested in men, my husband/spouse is trans gender fluid and up until recently had not been thinking about HRT but is now considering it. I am so excited for them to finally be feeling comfortable in their body and to finally be seeing the real changes that they want to see. On the other hand I am scared ->-bleeped-<-less that with the hormone treatment my beloved will no longer be attracted to me as a woman. I have heard so many stories of people transitioning and then becoming totally straight and no longer being sexually attracted to their wives. This would utterly break my heart and I really don't know how to deal with all this fear and insecurity welling up inside me. is this an inevitable thing that we are just putting blinders on and ignoring or is there a chance for us?

Support them because they are finding their true self. Orientation can change, it can stay the same, or maybe even expand to more possibilities. The last option is happening to me. I am still happy with my spouse though. I would recommend two things. You and your SO should commit to telling each other everything you can. A no secrets policy will boost your confidence that they are being forthcoming with you. Also, as they change, you will change also. If you two don't talk consistently, you may find yourselves estranged after a while. Secondly, respect each other. They will need your understanding and you will need their's. Both of your feelings are important. Do these things and you have an excellent chance of staying together. Don't let fear drive you crazy. There are no guarantees of course, but your chances of staying together are very good if you are genuine with each other.
Moni