this may sound a stupid question, but how do you know if you pass?

whenever anyone looks at me in the street i'm terrified that they know i'm trans, and when people talk to me  as a girl then i'm still wondering if they're just being nice or polite.  i know i shouldn't care about what strangers think but its so hard not to.
and when people use gender neutral language, or 'mate' or 'guys' its so hard to stop having doubts... though i know my girlfriends get called the same.  its so annoying when people do that.

anyway, so when did you 'know' that you passed?

jenny
x x

You don't know.  You only know when you don't pass.  On the other hand you only pass only when you have stopped worrying about it.

To me, I don't know if I truely pass or not but I don't care anymore. I guess I pass as people call me by the fem pronouns and no one gives me a second look in the rest rooms or dressing rooms. So, I guess I pass. The point is, I don't care what they think. I try to be as fem as possible.
Sheila

I think that the only way you really know you pass is by experience.  People do treat women very differently than men.  And it just feels different.  Now it's also pretty easy to know when you are totally outed.  The hard part comes in those in-between times when people are simply polite.  For me the first time I was absolutely sure I passed was when I sat on a bench and a hair dresser came out and sat by me and started up a conversation.  Another time the same thing happened with a makeup artist from a store.  This week I was out of town and met up with a friend.  He held doors for me and the whole bit.  None of the hotel staff paid one bit of notice.  Our waiter said things like:  What can I get you ma'am?  He treated me totally different than my male friend.  Somehow you just know....most of the time.

Kristi

You'll pass the best when you are fully comfortable with yourself in public.  Yes, there are things that you'll be able to do to improve your abilities to pass as a female.  You should take note and correct those behaviours which give you a way. They must become a part of your personality.  However, the biggest thing you'll do will be to just get out in public, hold your head high, and enjoy life.

Chin up!

Cindi

Well, IMO it is pretty obvious.  No weird looks, no hairy looks, no second looks when you speak.  Miss here, miss there.  Would you like help out with those groceries to your car, miss? (the grocery clerk)  I need your signature here, miss. (the UPS guy)  Some stamps today ma'am? (the post office clerk).  About a month ago, I was taken to the hospital with severe migraines, the nurse insisted that I undergo a pregnancy test even though I had told her that "I wasn't pregnant".  Eventually, when my personal physician showed up and showed her my medical history, she understood why I didn't need a urine test to determine pregnancy.  It is these little details that speak for themselves.

tink

Pre-transition, between SP1 and SP2

Early transition (0-3 months full-time/HRT), SP1 to SP2

Mid transition (3 months -6 months) SP2 to SP3

Late transition (6 months-1 year) SP3 to SP4

Post-transition, but pre-op (1 year - now), SP4 to SP6, though being pre-op causes issues.

This is in my case really.

I estimated I would always be within SP0 to SP2 when I went full-time. I didn't think I'd ever reach SP3.

Tink pretty much covered it. And Cindi covered what Tink didn't. After awhile you just 'know' it and they all do too. It 'comes' to you that its been weeks, months years since you realized someone had noticed anything about you that wasn't 'chiming' right for them.

Come to think of it, it's been weeks, months, years since something wasn't 'chiming' right about you for you as well!! Then you pass. And KNOW it.

Ah, the Kate Grimaldi levels.... Kate is a very bright woman and her scales make some sense, but are hardly set in stone. 

Nichole

One of the ways is when you run into one of those anomolous gender things from your past, like a subscription in your old name or ID in your old sex, and they refuse to believe that it's you. Even face to face, in person. Then you know for sure you're passing.

Dennis

when u know ur a dude, everybody treats u as a dude & u forget 'bout passin.  u just live & look like any bio dude w/o worryin about "lookin or actin" like a dude.  this is when u know.

You know you pass when people ask if your father is going senile for calling you "He/him" in public... hes obviously nuts LoL...

You know you pass when your order a slice of pie at Village Inn and the waiter "forgets" put it on your bill and gives you one of those really huge smiles...

You know you pass when you rarely ever have to pay for your own drinks at a bar...

You know you pass when your being searched and the female searcher dosnt realize anything is amis or out of place...

You know you pass when you have to argue with bill collectors/customerservice people over the phone cuz they refuse to believe there speaking with (male name)

You know you pass when you can throw just anything on, no makeup, messy hair and are still mamed, missed and flirted with at the bus stop hehehe

And you deffinatly know you pass when you speak of your ex fience and everyone assumes that HE was a jerk and should have never hurt you like that 

When at the hospital you get asked by a Doctor or Nurse for the date of your last period, PAP Smear test and your last Mamogram.

Rebecca

i read these threads and realize that i haven't worried about passing for a very long time. bad me!   do i care about passing?  surely! ! do i pass? unquestionably yes, yet after so many years, the "when's" turn into countless experiences that are too many to mention on here. 

I don't really worry about it seriously, and if my ID outs me, and/or I have to forcefully out myself to claim the ID is mine to a place like a bank/post office, that's fine with me, sort of educates people a little. They wouldn't know I had transitioned otherwise, so it shows them trans isnt about Jerry Springer people, but real live boys and girls who looks like just regular boys and girls, too.

Speaking of which, a bank clerk when I went to cash a money order recently, she checked the check, went in my bank account, asked for ID. I did all this without worrying, signed the name. She eventually slipped pronoun, and my mom who was with me corrected her and just before that she asked how the name change was going and if I was to do it soon. In short she guessed by the mismatch in ID, since she had no problem at all with referring me in the female form before and after (it didnt require a conscious effort). Plus the fact that everyone else who doesn't see my ID never questions their use of Miss/Mademoiselle/Madame (yes I speak French) when concerning me.

Like today....on the telephone..

I phoned up the hospital where the endo is based that I have been seeing and complain that they have notified me by post that they have changed my appointment to a later one.......the secretary asks me a whole heap of questions which I don't usually get....name, address, date of birth etc........I ask her why she is asking so many questions.......she says...'well we have you down here as a 'Mr' and quite clearly you are not....'we will make sure this error is emended emmediately'.......

i really seriously wasn't even trying..honestly!! when my son was in the hospital for being dehyrdated. my wife had went out to the car..i was dressed completely male including wearing my hat backwards, nearly every doctor or nurse that came in asked me if i was mom!! it was touching accept for the fact i will never be able to give birth...though it would be nice!!!


Mickie

Quote from: mickie on February 07, 2008, 11:22:51 AM
i really seriously wasn't even trying..honestly!! when my son was in the hospital for being dehyrdated. my wife had went out to the car..i was dressed completely male including wearing my hat backwards, nearly every doctor or nurse that came in asked me if i was mom!! it was touching accept for the fact i will never be able to give birth...though it would be nice!!!


Mickie

That figures...baseball hat on backwards, no make up ..hoody top maybe.....it's no wonder they thought you were female.....that is the secret of course...don't try.....and clothes isn't related to gender...

so true berliegh, but it did kind of offend my wife when the one nurse did it while she was standing there..i know it kinda hurt her.


Mickie

Jenny,
I don't know if I truly pass or not, but I get ma'amed all the time.  Even yesterday when I went to the pharmacy drop off my scripts for meds I gave them two forms of id, both has my male name on them, and they still ma'amed me and then today when I went to pick up the meds the computer system even had a "F" in the sex box.  So as some others here has already stated you will just know when you don't pass.

Quote from: LynnER on February 07, 2008, 01:41:55 AM

You know you pass when your order a slice of pie at Village Inn and the waiter "forgets" put it on your bill and gives you one of those really huge smiles...

You know you pass when you rarely ever have to pay for your own drinks at a bar...

You know you pass when your being searched and the female searcher dosnt realize anything is amis or out of place...

You know you pass when you have to argue with bill collectors/customerservice people over the phone cuz they refuse to believe there speaking with (male name)

You know you pass when you can throw just anything on, no makeup, messy hair and are still mamed, missed and flirted with at the bus stop hehehe

Ditto...  And...

You know you pass when a girlfriend asks you for a tampon.

You know you pass when you tell a friend you can't have kids but you'd "rather not talk about it".  They guess 30 reasons it could be and they still never get it.

You know you pass when the resident homophobe at work lets everybody know he has a crush on you, and nobody sees anything wrong with this.

You know you pass when the admitting nurse asks for your last period, you tell her you can't & don't have them, and she guesses every reason except the right one.  Then I told her just for the shock value