I don't want to come off as any more depressing, that seems to be the gist of most of my posts, and I am sorry to you all..  but it hurts to think I have let down society at times.  As a man, I'm supposed to be something I am not, and never have been, and it really tears at me at times.

Out and about, I just shut myself down, I look completely emotionless and stiff as a board, I act like a robot because I know if I act like myself people will know something is off.  Everyone who has ever gotten close to me, sees a completely different person, usually people think I am way too kind, empathetic, too feminine, people have considered me gay on many occasions I guess because of the way I carry myself, I see it myself when looking in the mirror as well. 

I can't over compensate to be more manly, that just makes it worst lol.  So my way to handle it is to just shut it all down.

I think the reason I am so anxious around people, is because I am afraid I will fail them, by not playing my role right.  It is a soft spot for me, I feel really guilty about it all of the time.  Me behaving the way I do to compensate in an attempt not to fail others, only exemplifies the anxiety and pushes it on others, because who acts like a lifeless robot around others?  I'm sure that is unnerving to them.. but I have always been at a loss as to what else I could do.

I care way too much about the needs of others, if I ever think I have hurt them in anyway, it hurts me three fold back.  And that is the biggest worry I have with transitioning, I know it doesn't make sense, but I worry about others, are they really ready to have an Amber in their lives?  It is a kick to their existence, people like me just shatter it all, and that makes me feel bad. 

I wish I could just destroy that sense of guilt I feel all of the time.  It is a bunch of rubbish, but yet there it always is

I had to get that off my chest, it is just something I have been thinking about lately.  I hope I am not driving you all crazy with my constant negativity, it is really selfish for me to post stuff like this here all of the time, and I'm sorry for doing so. 

As someone who has allowed herself to truly live in the female world more these days, I take failing as a man as a badge of honor. And you should to! screw society, there is a woman inside of you and she deserves to be out and about! Take this anyway you want but before you worry about society and what others want I suggest go see a therapist and discuss whats going on more thoroughly. Work on your guilts and shames. That is the best advice I can give, and I wish i took it years ago. Had I did this, and not allowed dysphoria to get in the point of boiling and making life hell I could have had a far smother transition and a calm and sound mind. If I took the advice to work on my issues in conjuction, or even slightly before coming out in 2014 I would probably have had surgery by now. I may not have been able to come out when I did, maybe I would have came out in a year later in 2015, but atleast my shames, guilts,doubts, internal issues, ect would have been stablized.

....Im probably babbling but you get my point. Before you can keep society and your friends and family happy you gotta make yourself happy. If society, your friends or family care about you and your best interests then they will be happy seeing you blossom!

Hugs-Ashley

I'm awesome as a guy - that's what's made it all so confusing as to whether to transition or not. I can only dream of having your sense of failure as a man, it would be a blessng.

I never really fit in as a guy either.  Looking back my past is strewn with incidents in my life that illustrate this.  Here's just a few:

1. when I was in 5th grade the football coach, who was also a protestant preacher, came to our house and told my parents  (I was spying in the other room) why I was a disaster at trying to play football with the other boys on the pee wee team  He said,  "(male name) is a very gentle boy. He's not like the other boys." Not something my parents wanted to hear.
2. in an all boys high school a priest took me for a walk on campus and explained to me how all the teachers were worried because I never participated in anything and always kept to myself like a loner.  LIke I could tell him I wanted to be a woman then? I didn't have the words or the power.
3. in college the other males gave me a nickname my freshman year. Junior.   It followed me thru college.  I never liked it but went along with it. I now realize it was their way of emasculating me.  Of letting me know I could never be like them no matter how hard I tried.

I ask myself now, hiding my true authentic gender identity how could I ever have hoped to fit in?   I was a round peg in a square hole. A woman living in the body of a male.  Always hiding one very large secret.

I'm pretty stiff in social situations too, and I can't say for sure, but transitioning fully will likely change that since much of the reason I'm like that is rooted in avoiding ridicule for acting like a girl. Really drilling into my mind that I'm female would make such taunts meaningless, lol. But you're not failing as a man, at least in my world view gender (sex) is not relevant to success or failure, so the phrase makes no sense to begin with. Just do what you have to do to succeed as a person, if that's transitioning for you, then do it, it's not selfish to do something you need to do to better your life even at the expense of others, it sounds it in the short term, but in the long term how much better will it be for everyone around you when you're finally you, and can act on instinct instead of running everything through that "would a man do this?" filter.

Funny. These are the same shame and guilty that is also blocking me from transition and it has caused a rift between what my heart wants (transition) from what my head wants (make everyone accept me). I too don't want to hurt the people I care about specially my mother. I'm afraid of the stare and the judgement but like I stated in a post I wrote yesterday when I signed up to Susan's Place: my transition is inevitable because if I don't it would destroy me.

Most of my life I tried being invisible in order not to disappoint others as a 'failed man'. Never fit in and never even tried to compensate because it felt foolish and wrong. I never wanted to pretend to be someone I was not. By hiding a lot of great things past me by and at 35 I'm kicking myself thinking that the best is gone so what would be the point. The point would be living the next 35 - 40 years happy.

What I've learned is that people would never be happy with whatever you do. I consider myself a nice (sometimes too nice), emphatic person, something we normally do to compensate for our guilt and shame and because we believe we owe them something for their 'misery' of our existence - because we believe we are not good enough. When I returned back home, I really saw the faces - the true faces - of the people I thought cared about me. They do but in a very, very wrong way that had broken my heart. But this experience has made me realize that it is my responsibility to make 'me' happy and that others. Other will move on when they have their family and all that. If I don't move on as well the only thing that will await me is loneliness and regret.

No, I'll be true to myself and make my own life. Those who walks into your life once you're true to yourself will be those who trully loves and accept you. Nothing else matter than that.