Are you sure it isnt just an exaggerrated self image you can never attain that's keeping you down? Do you pass as male on a general basis or is your weight and lack of facial hair keeping you from reading male? You arent always going to be the perfect image of somebody else in your head, only the masculinized version of who you are, at times a lot of trans men, AND cis men, do have to learn to accept things which they cannot change about their body, maybe even learn to like it. Many men do not have facial hair and that's okay, many men are a little on the chubby side and within healthy maintenance of it that's fine, too.
There are a lot of things we can change, and we have many, many chances to try and change. Again and again. There is no timeframe or end to how many times you can keep trying, or keep going. Suicidal ideations is a hard thing to be hit with, and I'm sorry your life has been hit so bad, no matter what it's all on you where to go from here, you do have control, and the limits are in your head. You can make some pretty radical decisions in life if you want to. Perhaps try switching your focus to other things you enjoy in life while continuing to fight and struggle forward, it may ease of the tension and strain.
I dont know how much it helps if youre dwelling in a useless space and are hopeless, but a lot of people out there do understand how it feels. I hope it helps to let people know all that inner turmoil inside of you. Good luck, dude.