I am a cross-dresser, a wannabe feminized bi-sexual cross-dresser. My wife doesn't know. She should, but she doesn't. I read things like on these forums and I think, my God, I have given her ALL those indicators over the years. She isn't catching on. One day she is going to read something or one of those Facebook tests or something and, like a lightbulb, it is going to dawn on her "OMG, this is my husband. everything makes so much sense now". Then she will just come home one day and say, "Hey, I was at the mall today and I picked you up this hot little dress and panty set, and I thought you could wear it out with me tonight and we will find some hot dates". Ok, that last part was fantasy but I do think if I could just expose her to the information somehow without saying "Hey honey, read this", that she would get it. Any suggestions?   

That would really be wonderful. I would also like that.

   
   Once upon a time there was this married wannabe feminized bi-sexual cross-dresser. Whose wife didn't know but should have due to all the clues that were all around her. One day she read a fantasy story about a wife that had an epiphany that her husband was a  wannabe feminized bi-sexual cross-dresser. She ran right out and bought him a sexy dress, made him wear it to their romantic out where they both met hot men to bring home for wild sex.
  The End

  Unfortunately Joanna2 wonderful stories like that are fairy tales that never will come true. It would be better if you sit your wife down and have a serious heart to heart talk with her. Failure to do so is only going to frustrate you and if she does happen to discover your desires on her own it is likely to cause you a whole bunch of problems. It would be best to hear it coming from you in a sincere manner.

By the way Hi Joanna2 I'm Jeanette. I'm a 64 yro,  mtf trans woman who used to believe I was only a lifelong crossdresser.  I am also a self appointed unofficial greeter for Susan's Place, as such I would like to welcome you to Susan's Place.  (( HUG ))) Yes I'm a hugger too.  Come on in and get comfortable. Really I don't bite, come in sit down. We do want you here as part of our little family. You do belong here you know?
  The site has a lot of good information and a lot of knowledgeable people too. There are many here that are willing to try to help you with whatever you need help with, if you do. Feel free to read the posts that interest you and comment on them if you like. Ask your question if you have any. But most importantly we'd like to have you participate. That is how we will get to know you and how you will get to know us.
  I'll let you browse the site and posts now. Have fun.

Hugs,
    Jeanette

People see what they have been socialized to see. Also, it depends on their culture. In Thailand, cross-dressers, transgender people, whatever alternate gender identity or sexual orientation someone may be, people leave them alone to present or love as they wish.

In the US, Christianity forces everyone into two gender boxes, and three sexual orientation boxes, although mostly two of the latter.

If you come out to your wife, she might decide she's wasting her time with you.
After all, most ciswomen marry to gain social status, a father for their children, a protector, someone who makes them the center of their universe, someone lust after ONLY them, and someone to give them complete financial support, much of which would vanish if you cross-dress in public and seek male sex partners.

The center of your universe would be YOU. Money would go to buy YOU clothes. Your lust would be directed toward another gender, and if you indulge, you have a high risk of bringing home the HIV virus. People would laugh at her, feel sorry for her, make jokes about her, and she'd be shunned at most churches.

On the other hand, if she has strong lesbian leanings, an ultra-liberal family, doesn't want kids, and has been longing for a shopping partner, she might welcome it.

If you want to transition, it's probably easier to just get a divorce without saying anything, then come out and transition quietly afterward to avoid your wife taking revenge on you, forbidding you to dress, and telling your family about you, etc.

As for signs, people often don't even know when THEY are transgender.

I didn't know I was a nonbinary partial transmale until 2013 (I'm 64), and my ex husband only found out last year (also 64) he (she) is a nonbinary female and has started the transition process already.

We were both depressed and unhappy, but blamed each other, not realizing what the real problem was.
In retrospect, there were many signs, but there are so many other explanations if you only believe in the gender and sexual orientation binary.
Man or woman. Gay or straight.

Welcome to Susan's Place. We understand about ourself for a long time and we gather information from many sources to educate ourself. A CIS person has no need to do this unless something creates a need. Most commonly it's a partner or an acquaintance coming out that creates a need. In my case, once I knew what to look for there were clues all over the place however I discovered myself at age 13 and it took me till I was 30 or 40 before I was able to understand the clues I was giving off pre teen.

Before you go to far, I would suggest that you have a heart to heart with your wife. It might turn out bad but I know it will turn out worst if she discovers you have been keeping secrets from her. If you are uncomfortable doing this, then see a gender therapist and formulate a plan for your future life.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
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Sooo much to say here. Thank you all for welcoming me. It is amazing to me to even have a forum like this to talk openly and get advice from people with way more experience than I.

Btw, Jeanette, I liked your story, I mean, before you added the dose of reality part. Too much to ask?

Ok, some serious stuff here but I am curious to see how my story may match up to others. I am pretty long-winded once I get started so I will try to curtail that somewhat in my sexual life story....

I am in my 50s now and I will just admit that I gave myself that label on my post but I have never been sure of exactly where I fit as far as sexuality and gender. Even as a young child, as far back as my memory of sexuality goes, I seemingly felt differently than my friends. I even remember thinking maybe I was an alien because I didn't think like the other "humans". Like any young boy, I had know idea about meanings of sexuality. I think maybe I knew what "homo" meant and it was bad. I think we called each other that and at one point jokingly tried oral on each other. We laughed it all off but inside it was transforming to me. it was an overwhelming feeling to do it and those feelings never changed to this day.

As I got a little older and abandoned the idea that I was an alien...lol, I thought that maybe I was supposed to be a girl when I was born. Nobody prompted me to think that or even to fathom that there was such a thing. I felt maybe I was the only boy that ever experienced this in the entire world before. I knew to never talk about it though. My father was always making "homo" comments or something to that effect, whether he was cursing at baseball players on tv or just talking about someone he knew in a derogatory manner.

I grew up being a boy... baseball, football, fighting, girlfriends, all the while, feeling like I was hiding this secret. Not that I didn't enjoy girls, I did, I do, I just had some desires I could not suppress. As a teenager, I had some bi-experiences and would literally make an excuse to leave my girlfriend's house so I could go do that. (story for another time). I had snuck my mother's panties a few times, and that was amazing, but it was just so few and fleeting moments, and still sooo taboo to me, I never indulged dressing more than that.

As a young man, I got married, had kids, joined the military and made a career out of that so any thoughts of going in another direction were well suppressed, at least on the outside. I was a man, a manly man. I did, however, hint otherwise to my wife over the years, even having a some bi-threesomes and a few in-the-heat-of-passion drunken blurted out confessions where I fully expected to be interrogated the next day. But I never got "Hey, did you mean what you said last night? Let's talk about that."

Now, I have kids, grandkids, who don't know me any other way than I am, a man, a war hero, a role-model for any hetero-sexual young man. I feel like I have committed to that and invested way to much to change that even if that doubtful searching young boy still resides in me. If the information available today was available to me back then, I could have very well made another choice.

So, I have been experimenting lately with dressing and it has sooo rekindled my emotions and confusions. It is more than just clothes, I know that. It is transforming, freeing, exposing, emotional, natural. I don't have to summon those feelings, it comes over me like a wave. It is me matching that vision I had when I was a young boy. It is me not pretending. I mean, I don't think I am pretending to be a man. I am and I am pretty good at it (lol) but when I dress, I am not pretending that THAT isn't also part of me.   

{PAUSE}

...Typing this and reading it back has made me quite emotional. I like to think I am decisive but it IS confusing, even now. Sometimes I think I am trying to convince myself. It scares me to think about just "coming out". I don't know that I will ever fully do that other than maybe to my wife (hopefully), but all this makes me wonder if I am not Jeanette 10 years removed.





   

Quote from: Joanna2 on April 16, 2017, 01:17:02 PM
I am a cross-dresser, a wannabe feminized bi-sexual cross-dresser. My wife doesn't know. She should, but she doesn't. I read things like on these forums and I think, my God, I have given her ALL those indicators over the years. She isn't catching on. One day she is going to read something or one of those Facebook tests or something and, like a lightbulb, it is going to dawn on her "OMG, this is my husband. everything makes so much sense now". Then she will just come home one day and say, "Hey, I was at the mall today and I picked you up this hot little dress and panty set, and I thought you could wear it out with me tonight and we will find some hot dates". Ok, that last part was fantasy but I do think if I could just expose her to the information somehow without saying "Hey honey, read this", that she would get it. Any suggestions?

Hi Joanna2

Glad you found us and welcome to Susan's

I think it is unlikely her picking up on clues because to her they won't be clues, she won't see them because unless you have told her about your need to cross dress already it is probably going to come as a complete surprise. Can I suggest that you will have a much better chance of having your fantasy fulfilled if your wife actually knows you would like that...if you know what I mean. This is going to be the furthest thing from her mind...unless she is into it as well and then it could be a match made in heaven...you will never know if you never speak to her or maybe as Dena suggested a therapist. Good Luck

Liz

55, ex-military, father, grandfather, recently accepted that I am a woman.

What you just wrote is heart-breaking to me, but I get it. It does take a lot of courage to be completely your authentic self. But not doing so creates enormous pain. Every choice has its price. For me, I struggled for years with confusion over my sexuality that threatened (and sometimes succeeded) to result in self destructive behaviors. The incredible relief I felt when I finally realized who I was can hardly be expressed. Now comes the hard part of stepping into that. I am greatly blessed with a completely supportive wife who wants me whatever sex I am.

One thing I found is how exciting and satisfying it is, even with the baby steps. The other day my wife and I dressed me up and made up my face. When I looked at myself and, for the first time, saw the woman inside with my own eyes, I cried with joy! We hugged and shared that moment together, a moment I will never forget.

Make your choice, but realize that what seems the easier choice may be hardest in the end.


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Hi Joanna2!  I can honestly say your story is very much like my own.  I tried for years telling my wife I was trans.  I am 5q and we have been married almost 21 years.  I had finally had enough last summer and after fighting both depression and my own anguish, I broke down one sunny day in June and told her.  At first she was in shock as you can imagine. She convinced me to find a therapist and support group. Both of which I have done. While I don't go to the group as much as I should, I will say that both helped tremendously.  During our conversations since telling her, she NOW sees the clues I gave her over the years.  Some of those cluse I gave her 20 years ago when we first got married. Just the other day she said, "Now I see why you bought that little black dress and heels  right after we got married."  I did wear them after buying them for her and looking back she gets that now but at the time she had no clue.  I am fortunate that she is very supportive but I have so many other considerations that I don't know where or even if this journey will take me.  I say all this because I think at some point you should, in no particular order, 1. Tell her, 2. Find a therapist and 3. Find a support group. It is not easy but things have a way of working out, it just may not go exactly as planned.
Paula

Mikaela, it is really crazy... everything. My wife criticizes me for hiding my emotions. I so do that and I am good at it. I have overly compensated and suppressed my more feminine feelings and emotions in front of anybody to the point where I just won't. I am pretty good at even struggling through movies without a peep. When I am alone, I am a total disaster. There have been a few times I couldn't stop myself and have cried hysterically to my wife and she (and I) didn't really know why. It's like I was letting out all those past cries. I am so aware of that happening that I soldier up to not even let that start.

I only mention that because now, reading your post, I am a mess... partly because of your comment and rereading MY post again, but mostly because of your moment with your wife when she dressed you. OMG, I so want that moment. I want to look in the mirror and then look at her and just cry and hug like that and her say "I am sorry, I didn't realize", and me say, "I am sorry I didn't tell you".

{PAUSE}

But I sooo fear that that won't be my happy ending (or happy beginning), and more importantly than that, that it won't be her happy ending. Whatever I am or I was supposed to be, I have committed to making someone else's life what it is. A person who has literally has given up her own life to follow me around the world pursuing mine. She always tells me I am her knight in shining armor. I won't jeopardize that even at the expense of never coming out. I wish there was a way to know that I could be a Knight AND a Princess.

You are a lucky girl!

Also, thanks for your service!

You are honorable, and you love your wife. That is beautiful.

Only you know your unique situation. However may I post another possibility for you to explore from your point of view?

Is it possible that the woman who followed you all over the world would follow you into your authentic self as well? I know you don't know the answer to that question, but until you share your truth with her you never will. You live a lie for her, but is this what she wants? Is it possible that you could at least have a heart to heart with her, tell her how you feel, and let her be in on the decision on how to proceed? Committed relationships are a partnership, and you aren't sharing the load equally with her, it seems to me. I suspect, since you've actually confessed while drunk, that she suspects the truth and is waiting to see if you will open up to her...

Maybe there's a place to be her amazon princess in shining armor. I know that sometimes women can't handle this and flee the relationship, but if she is already accepting it on some level, maybe there's your perfect way to have your happiness and continue to be a part of hers as well...

Best of luck, and I think it's wonderful you are sharing your true self for the first time, even if only on this forum.

Hi again Joanna2,

  OMG I got 2 mentions in your reply, I'm flattered. lol I'm not actually as I can see you hadn't had many replies by that point. Since getting more replies you can see I'm not different from the others here that think you will eventually need to discuss things with your wife eventually. I'm sorry. Fairy tales seldom if ever come true.

  I want to thank you for telling us more of your story. I could see it wasn't easy for you. Baring ones hidden self never is. Doing so to someone, preferably a therapist, can be very healthful for your sole though. I myself took the advice I got here at Susan's and sought out a gender therapist myself. Talking to him has been helpful for my own peace of mind. I was fearful of taking this step at first as I did not have a high opinion of therapists beforehand but again Susan's Place and the denizens withing gave me the courage to forge ahead. Now I'm recommending them to others. Omg what have I become?
   Anyway, getting back on track... You story and mine differ in the details and that doesn't really matter, they are similar in the bigger picture. I grew up among 5 sand a brother. My brother was a hero to me but as the oldest he left home before becoming a big influence on me. He left and joined the Air Force. My Dad was a 30 year career Navy man. Both of the men in my family served this country in combat. I am proud of them. But as you can see my formative years were most influenced by females. Oh I did the boy things, Cub Scout, Boy Scouts, tried to do baseball once but no I didn't want to be there. I liked the scouts and became a patrol leader but as such I was a nurturer cooking and taking care of my kids. lol
   I also learned to cook, sew,do laundry, even a bit of crochet and knitting at home. I had the skill set to be self sufficient when I left home. I also had access to the pretties my sisters had and "borrowed" some things along the way. I start my crossdressing way back then. It lasted through the years and through, fatherhood, a 20+ year failed marriage, through my own Naval service. It lasted right up to the day I discovered what gender dysphoria was. That happened last November, and it clicked. That was what was wrong with me all these shameful years. I had thought I was just a life long crossdresser, I had tried and failed many time to stop, but always I started again until I knew I could not stop and quit trying. Growing up I always had this desire to be a girl, I envied girls and later women of course. Dressing as a female gave me this feeling that I needed. I fely good, I could let the stress of being a man with all it's bagged slip away for awhile. I could escape my day to day male world and be a woman. I convinced myself that this was enough. Cross dressing when needed was just what the doctor ordered, it was all I needed to reset myself and feel good for awhile.
    But the discovery of gender dysphoria ruined all that. It told me I had been lying to myself. Cross dressing was not enough. I always wanted more. I was trans. More than that I am a trans woman and I could have more, could be more. That's when I found HRT and started doing it, told my PCP and got help. I began my transition. Transition isn't an easy journey. It is far more than the HRT. It requires many many change in myself and it influences every aspect of my life. I have just begun. I have so much to do and can't do it alone. That is why I am here, and why I see a therapist, and why I told my primary doctor. I am working to accept myself and have begun coming out to other. Some of them will accept and support, others won't. I can't let those stop me, because I have to become the person I have dreamed of being. That person is a woman.

  There Joanna2, you told us some of your story and it was not easy for you to do so. It is only right I should tell you some of mine. Thank you for sharing yours. We both have a journey to make. I hope yours is rewarding for you as I think mine is going to be for me. If you never take steps to begin the things you want to happen then they will not happen. You are here sharing with us what it is to be you, don't you think you need to begin to share it with your wife so you can go on with your life? At least seek out someone to talk to. A trusted friend or a therapist. At this point you're stuck. You want to move forward but don't know how. Why else would you be here telling us if you weren't? Don't you think it is time to do something?

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

PaulaLee, Nice to meet you. Nice legs. I have big calves like you. I always thought that would be the thing to give me away even if I could master the rest. I just posted a reply to Makaela and wanted to reply to you also.  It is amazing to me to talk to people with this story. I feel I have been in the closet AND in the dark.

Scary stuff. I want to tell her but I have to find a way to know. Maybe I need a plant to start chatting with her and nonchalantly give her some what ifs. Nobody here would be good for that though, too much honesty, you all would be like, "Hey, guess what, your husband wants to be a girl named Joanna", lol. 

Actually, I also fear that I take the leap, she accepts it, and then I can't live up to it. I won't be a good "girl", a failure, or doubt that I am even that anymore after all the novelty wears off, confuse everyone and confuse myself. 

So, are you full time trans? I am always confused by the terminology. Does it imply full time? Does it imply that you are transitioning your sexuality too? I never called myself trans but I think I am more than just a cross-dresser even though I may not want to transition full time. I am not just a guy who likes to wear women's clothes. I want to be a girl. It is a transformation. I am also bi-sexual but closer to wanting to be a bi-sexual girl than a bi-sexual guy. Same clientele I guess, lol.

Joanna

Joanna, you are free to share my story with your wife as an illustration on what it could look like. I'm sure she has many misunderstandings about what it might be like to be in relationship with a trans woman. I know I sure did, and I'm still learning tons. This site is a great place to learn, even about things you didn't even know to ask. It's been an amazing resource for me!


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Jeannette,
So, it is soooo much easier to share it here with yous than it would be to share with my wife. She may not be as understanding. Hmmm, so why I am here telling you my story? I guess I did seek out this site with the intent of finding like-minded people and getting answers and even encouragement. I certainly got that so far. I am thoroughly amazed to be trading stories and feelings about this. It seems I couldn't wait to spill my story either...lol. That was amazing to do in itself. And it has been good to read about some hard truths and some outright horror stories but also to hear about success stories like Mikaela's. That vision of his wife dressing him and doing his makeup and looking in the mirror and then them both crying together is just fairy-tale perfect. A girl can dream. 

So, actually, I know some of your story already. I read alot of those pages from your "Here I Go Again" post. I wanted to see the outcome of your anticlimactic appointment with the therapist and then I kept reading until your successful outing for your cuticle tool and wallet. Great job. Amazing stuff and so nice to have all those (these) people to talk to and encourage you (and push you out of your comfort zone like you are trying to do to me...lol).

Your life story is amazing and I wish I had your strength to commit like that. If someone would have described gender dysphoria to me and gave me an option when I was that little boy, I would have said, OMG, yes, that's me, let's go, change me. I know it is reall and comes from inside because I didn't know about it, ask for it, seek it, or be influenced to want it, and if anything, quite the contrary, but for all intents and purposes, I was a girl inside, acting like a boy.

I guess I worked it out enough and accepted that I was a teenage boy but it was and is still there. I can see why teens and adults have a hard time with it and even to the point of being suicidal. I never got like that, thank God, but I know how strong the dysphoria can be. 

So, exciting. for the first time, I have a wig and a dress and shoes and a complete makeup kit coming in and I can't wait to dress and take a picture for my profile.

So, We are going to Clearwater/St Pete the last week in June for vacation. Jusy happens to be the LGBT Pride Parade and Festival Weekend. Anyone wannna go?

Quote from: Joanna2 on April 17, 2017, 01:12:52 PM
Jeannette,
So, it is soooo much easier to share it here with yous than it would be to share with my wife. She may not be as understanding. Hmmm, so why I am here telling you my story? I guess I did seek out this site with the intent of finding like-minded people and getting answers and even encouragement. I certainly got that so far. I am thoroughly amazed to be trading stories and feelings about this. It seems I couldn't wait to spill my story either...lol. That was amazing to do in itself. And it has been good to read about some hard truths and some outright horror stories but also to hear about success stories like Mikaela's. That vision of his wife dressing him and doing his makeup and looking in the mirror and then them both crying together is just fairy-tale perfect. A girl can dream. 

So, actually, I know some of your story already. I read alot of those pages from your "Here I Go Again" post. I wanted to see the outcome of your anticlimactic appointment with the therapist and then I kept reading until your successful outing for your cuticle tool and wallet. Great job. Amazing stuff and so nice to have all those (these) people to talk to and encourage you (and push you out of your comfort zone like you are trying to do to me...lol).

Your life story is amazing and I wish I had your strength to commit like that. If someone would have described gender dysphoria to me and gave me an option when I was that little boy, I would have said, OMG, yes, that's me, let's go, change me. I know it is reall and comes from inside because I didn't know about it, ask for it, seek it, or be influenced to want it, and if anything, quite the contrary, but for all intents and purposes, I was a girl inside, acting like a boy.

I guess I worked it out enough and accepted that I was a teenage boy but it was and is still there. I can see why teens and adults have a hard time with it and even to the point of being suicidal. I never got like that, thank God, but I know how strong the dysphoria can be. 

So, exciting. for the first time, I have a wig and a dress and shoes and a complete makeup kit coming in and I can't wait to dress and take a picture for my profile.

So, We are going to Clearwater/St Pete the last week in June for vacation. Jusy happens to be the LGBT Pride Parade and Festival Weekend. Anyone wannna go?

I'd love to go! I live nearby, in Bradenton.


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Welcome and very nice thread and responses. The fantasy of the acceptance that you describe probably has happened but statistically i would guess it is a very small percentage. I think the best route has proven to be honest and frank discussions with your spouse, with follow up, counseling if needed and then potentially some negotiation around boundaries after that.

All married people change over the course of their marriage so you should not feel ashamed, there is nothing about femininity or being a woman that is shameful. With self-realization we grow and seek a better life at the very least she should respect that in you because she loves you.

Culturally, middle age and older folks grew up in a different world with different heteronormative practices and expectations. Younger people have far less of those so it may be helpful to point that out and work on the cultural discomfort etc.

Boundaries is a concern. My wife knows that I am bi although we (I) don't practice it much these days. She is straight. I actually would like to date (as a woman), alone, or together, and I would not be opposed to double dating with her. I don't know why I think that would be more acceptable but I think she is not threatened by a man stealing me (although maybe that would change with me as a woman). I have no problem actually her being with another guy, on a date or in the bedroom. Maybe it has something to do with projecting myself in her shoes (literally). I know dating is a sensitive and risky venture but if it got to that we would have to work it out. I never dated as a girl and I never dated a man (I mean other than just sexual encounters). I don't even really like that vision. I don't see myself as gay. I don't watch gay porn or anything like that. I certainly would do it as a woman though and fantasize about that and want that. As for a husband-like person, I really don't want a another lifetime partner, I have that, and I know she doesn't either.

Quote from: Joanna2 on April 17, 2017, 10:31:59 PM
Boundaries is a concern. My wife knows that I am bi although we (I) don't practice it much these days. She is straight. I actually would like to date (as a woman), alone, or together, and I would not be opposed to double dating with her. I don't know why I think that would be more acceptable but I think she is not threatened by a man stealing me (although maybe that would change with me as a woman). I have no problem actually her being with another guy, on a date or in the bedroom. Maybe it has something to do with projecting myself in her shoes (literally). I know dating is a sensitive and risky venture but if it got to that we would have to work it out. I never dated as a girl and I never dated a man (I mean other than just sexual encounters). I don't even really like that vision. I don't see myself as gay. I don't watch gay porn or anything like that. I certainly would do it as a woman though and fantasize about that and want that. As for a husband-like person, I really don't want a another lifetime partner, I have that, and I know she doesn't either.

Omg, I could have written this! I struggled with the whole "am I gay, or what" thing and found I didn't like being with gay men. I enjoyed bi encounters, but just the sexual part. As far as my wife, we have adjusted to a poly situation. She has her other husband who is very alpha, and I found that not having to satisfy her freed me to shift our intimacy so that it is more like two women making love. Very tender, sweet, non-penetrative. She sleeps in my bed sometimes, and it's wonderful, but it's more about companionship. I came to realize that I didn't want to penetrate anyone anymore. She isn't threatened by the men I play with and I'm not threatened by her alpha. She loves me just like I am, and I adore her. So I'm figuring out that I'm basically a bi woman. Since my wife accepts and supports this, I'm in a very good place. I'm sure it's pretty unusual, too. It takes people who are willing to look beyond the "norms" and focus on the connection between people. It also takes patience to let things develop at a pace where everyone is comfortable. Our situation evolved over 2 years. I didn't know I was trans, I just kept following my heart and so did she, and when the realization came (not even a month ago!), the framework had already been put into place.

One funny outcome is that she continues to insist that she's straight, but I'm her exception. Lol! Maybe she's not very binary.


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Quote from: Mikaela on April 18, 2017, 07:32:59 AM
Omg, I could have written this! I struggled with the whole "am I gay, or what" thing and found I didn't like being with gay men. I enjoyed bi encounters, but just the sexual part. As far as my wife, we have adjusted to a poly situation. She has her other husband who is very alpha, and I found that not having to satisfy her freed me to shift our intimacy so that it is more like two women making love. Very tender, sweet, non-penetrative. She sleeps in my bed sometimes, and it's wonderful, but it's more about companionship. I came to realize that I didn't want to penetrate anyone anymore. She isn't threatened by the men I play with and I'm not threatened by her alpha. She loves me just like I am, and I adore her. So I'm figuring out that I'm basically a bi woman. Since my wife accepts and supports this, I'm in a very good place. I'm sure it's pretty unusual, too. It takes people who are willing to look beyond the "norms" and focus on the connection between people. It also takes patience to let things develop at a pace where everyone is comfortable. Our situation evolved over 2 years. I didn't know I was trans, I just kept following my heart and so did she, and when the realization came (not even a month ago!), the framework had already been put into place.

One funny outcome is that she continues to insist that she's straight, but I'm her exception. Lol! Maybe she's not very binary.

That is amazing. . So, just recently, having been pushed to describe my sexuality, I came to that conclusion that I am that... a bisexual girl more than a bisexual guy (wannabe anyway). I just typed that very thing in the reply to Paula. That hasn't always been clear to me either but I get it now. I am not gay. I don't think my original description in this thread "a wannabe feminized bi-sexual crossdresser" was the best choice of words...lol. I'm just a bi-girl, I like that. My wife will just have to be bi then too...lol.

So, a few things to tell you. Your experience with your wife and especially with that moment yous had has become kind of my fairytale. I keep thinking about Jeanette's retelling my first post back to me as a fairytale. I know she is probably more right than not but your real life experience is a fairytale to me and shows that it can happen, just like I want. I keep imagining what that moment we are both standing in front of the mirror would be like. I imagine that after standing there in stunned silence for a minute we catch each other's eye and she just says, "Hi" like she is looking into my soul for the first time. Anyway, that is the way I would like to think of it happening. I know I mentioned it before but I changed the part that we both have regret. This is a happier ending/beginning.

So, it is so ironic about the LGBT festival. I am actually away for work and was talking to my wife about vacation at the end of June and I said we should see what is going on in St Pete/Clearwater on that weekend. I had NO idea the festival was happening that weekend there when I mentioned the location and dates. Isn't that irony. I brought up the event calendar and I was looking at that online while we were chatting and I think maybe she was too on her end but we didn't discuss it any further. It actually seemed like a moment I should have said something and didn't. Anyway, I think we are going that weekend.
But, maybe even the bigger irony is that you are from Bradenton. I mean, a person I am sharing my soul with online, an ex-military guy whose demographic down to even age matches mine and seems to be describing my life to me in future tense, including a fairytale moment, including relating to the very description of me sexually, who offered to allow me to use your story and help. I mean, I have this window open with all this unanimous advice telling me to just come out to my wife, another chat window with my wife, AND I just, out of the blue, happen to pick and mention to her the place and time of one of the biggest LGBT events out there, AND I throw it out there on this site, AND it's where you live. Like those three browser windows should just merge into one for me. I feel like the irony and coincidence is incredible. Like it is being handed to me.... tell my wife, go to this amazing event where I have an opportunity to come out without being judged or scrutinized, have someone there to help and answer the million questions that we would have and help my wife know that it will workout and be amazing, and oh yea, shop for great new clothes together, party, and have a great time. The thought of this materializing is a incredibly exciting and utterly frightening.

I do want to ask you more about your arrangements with your wife but I will save it for another post since this one got long already.

Joanna