Hi, I'm very new to these forums so please forgive me. I'm so thankful this exists, because without it I'd be lost...well even more lost than I already am. I just very recently (3 days ago) came to I guess an "official" realization that I could very well possibly be a man in the wrong body. It's always flooded my mind, but I never knew it was possible..and when I did know I did not let myself explore it. This is all very confusing, and I've never articulated this in a public platform..even though this is anonymous. So yeah, I'll start from the beginning.
I have never in my life been feminine. I refused to wear dresses before I could even read, I would not let my mom touch my hair (let alone take a curling iron to it), I've worn only boys/mens clothes since I was 7 after my parents finally gave up on dressing me. I don't even remember being embarrassed to walk towards the isle, it was so matter of fact that it was where I belonged. (wish I still had that attitude lol), all my friends growing up were boys, I felt uncomfortable around feminine girls, especially groups. I never went into public restrooms, because the womens room didn't feel right(still doesn't), I genuinely believed I would grow up to be a man when I was a kid. There are so many more signs, but I'm sure you know them all.
I came out as lesbian when I was 16, and although I am certain that I am attracted to women. It felt like a lie, and I'm still not open about it because I had this really eerie feeling that I wasn't telling the truth. And I hate lying. But at the same time when I was a kid, I was referred to as he by mistake a lot, even by teachers. I don't remember being very happy about that, but I think it was more due to embarrassment knowing all my peers knew my biological sex. I'm not sure.
I never really experienced dysphoria in the sense of looking at my body in the mirror and being sickened by it, i wasn't content with it but it's something I always just lived with. But now I'm starting to think I am experiencing it, but perhaps not directly, or more subconsciously? I have terrible anxiety, I hate being seen in public and avoid it at all costs, especially here recently as I have been sexually harassed a couple of times which has never happened to me before because I always looked like a guy. I could always tune out "she", luckily I have a gender neutral name (which still I hated being called when I was a kid because it was always associated with someone I didn't want to be, but I grew into it) so I never experienced intense dysphoria from that, and I've generally been treated equal among male peers, so when these instances of sexual harassment occurred it was a painful reminder of my anatomy. I was more hurt by that reminder than anything.
I've ignored this for so long, and just told myself I'm an androgynous lesbian. I really, really wish that were true. I wish I could sit comfortably in that label, but every time I imagine myself being born male I truly feel like my life would be so much more weightless than it is now. I can't bring myself to do simple activities, because it seems pointless in this body. It's not mine.
But, I have doubts about transitioning. My family aren't biased people, I know they wouldn't kick me out but I also don't know if they would validate it, which I think would be even more confusing to me. I'm scared to rely on T for the rest of my life, I'm scared of botched up medical procedures, I'm afraid to take hormones and make things worst if I don't pass, yet have irreversible changes and stuck in gender limbo. In my mind right now, it's like a pick your own poison scenario. I don't want to feel that way about it, but life as a trans person seems incredibly hard. I'm still so young, and naive to think that I'd be happy or content as a female if I try harder, if I work through it. Last year, I finally got to the point of being able to picture myself as a female, an incredibly androgynous one, but still. I know I would be happier living as a male, but I think it's been easier telling myself I'm a lesbian because it seems to be widely accepted and even celebrated today. I just don't know what to think, I don't want to make a mistake. I can't afford therapy right now, and I'm not at all comfortable coming forward with this, even to a local support group. It's still new to me though, yet very familiar. I don't know what to do. I know this is kind of written hurriedly. I've exited out of this page three times because I thought I heard a car pull up lol
