Omg, Joanna, that is very sweet and I appreciate your comments. They literally brought tears to my eyes. It would be awesome to meet you and your wife, and to have your wife meet us. My wife gets along with everyone, and is very sweet and accepting, and I think your wife would get a view of what the realities are. People are always impressed by my wife.

The coincidences, etc, are what I call "synchronicities", and I've learned to pay attention to those. They can be powerful indicators for direction in life, I feel.

What you are describing for the event sounds like a blast! Can you get onto chat? I don't think I can message you until you hit your 15 post limitation...

Poly relationships work - we have been in one for over two decades. Like all relationships they require work and adaptation as both people change over time. Becoming poly from monogamy can also work, i have heard of couples successful in doing that. It sort of depends on your basis and values.

Good luck on the trip and potentially going to the festival.

Quote from: Mikaela on April 18, 2017, 01:28:49 PM
Omg, Joanna, that is very sweet and I appreciate your comments. They literally brought tears to my eyes. It would be awesome to meet you and your wife, and to have your wife meet us. My wife gets along with everyone, and is very sweet and accepting, and I think your wife would get a view of what the realities are. People are always impressed by my wife.

The coincidences, etc, are what I call "synchronicities", and I've learned to pay attention to those. They can be powerful indicators for direction in life, I feel.

What you are describing for the event sounds like a blast! Can you get onto chat? I don't think I can message you until you hit your 15 post limitation...

15 post quota? I will just have to keep talking. I have plenty to say and ask. "Synchronicities", yes, I agree with that. Today I am seriously considering my options and plan, with the goal of making that festival (as a woman) and with my wife. You said it was a two year process for you and I see you claim less than a month acceptance. How did you start? Did you start throwing heavy clues and see how she reacts? or did you just bite the bullet and have a heart to heart like so many here have said to do? I know I (we) are not going to have all the answers in two months but it will be enough to get to the Grand Opening!!!, lol.

So, some of the things I am concerned with, I mean, other than the fear of my wife running out of the house screaming and never coming back when I tell her, lol.
- The dating thing is huge. Not sure whether to mention that in the beginning but I would think it will come up. I don't think I should just say "Yes, I want this, and that, and this". I think downplaying certain aspects at first is better.
- Transitioning full time. I think that is not an option for me for ahwile and I am not sure I want that. I know that probably changes with time and acceptance but I think that would have to materialize over time. I can't do it for work and I doubt my wife will let go of me as I am so easily. I am not going to force that. I don't want to give her an ultimatum to accept me as this or leave me. Because, as I mentioned before, I wouldn't follow through on that threat. I am also a musician and play guitar and sing (not for a living) but I do play out. I couldn't do that as a woman. Never even considered that and the voice thing would certainly be an issue with that. How do you deal with your voice in public? Do you practice? Is there things you can do? Are you planning HRT or surgery for your voice?   
- A kind of sensitive topic but you mentioned about you and your wife's sleeping arrangements. For the past few years I have slept on the couch. I didn't deliberately make a choice one day to do that, I just started not going to bed because I realized I was uncomfortable in bed, anxious, and it kept me awake. I didn't automatically associate that with this but having just discovered that alot of things in my past life were and are indicators, I am thinking that this is a manifestation of this turmoil inside. What do you think?
- Crazy how things are fitting together right now. She is going to have those realizations too. "Oh, so that's why this, and that's why that..." Probably, she will see things that I am not. After all, she has much more experience at being a woman than I.

So, I have some other questions (of course) and clothes questions (love clothes) and some questions about safe places to go (besides an LGBT Festival, lol) but I will send another post to get to my 15.

Joanna

Quote from: Joanna2 on April 18, 2017, 09:11:43 PM
- Transitioning full time. I think that is not an option for me for ahwile and I am not sure I want that. I know that probably changes with time and acceptance but I think that would have to materialize over time. I can't do it for work and I doubt my wife will let go of me as I am so easily. I am not going to force that. I don't want to give her an ultimatum to accept me as this or leave me. Because, as I mentioned before, I wouldn't follow through on that threat. I am also a musician and play guitar and sing (not for a living) but I do play out. I couldn't do that as a woman. Never even considered that and the voice thing would certainly be an issue with that. How do you deal with your voice in public? Do you practice? Is there things you can do? Are you planning HRT or surgery for your voice?   

Most people have a voice high enough that therapy can produce a feminine sounding voice and some are even able to sing with it. I was not that fortunate and my trained voice was still well into the male range at about 130 to 140 or around a C3 for a head voice. It's not uncommon for males to have a chest voice in this range. I did the best I could but I decided to look into surgery about a year and a half ago. That was what caused me to find Susan's and you will see my early exploration in my early posts on the site. I don't recommend surgery unless you really need it but my head trained voice is comfortable at 220hz or A3 which is well in the feminine range.

Quote from: Joanna2 on April 18, 2017, 09:11:43 PM
15 post quota? I will just have to keep talking. I have plenty to say and ask. "Synchronicities", yes, I agree with that. Today I am seriously considering my options and plan, with the goal of making that festival (as a woman) and with my wife. You said it was a two year process for you and I see you claim less than a month acceptance. How did you start? Did you start throwing heavy clues and see how she reacts? or did you just bite the bullet and have a heart to heart like so many here have said to do? I know I (we) are not going to have all the answers in two months but it will be enough to get to the Grand Opening!!!, lol.

So, some of the things I am concerned with, I mean, other than the fear of my wife running out of the house screaming and never coming back when I tell her, lol.
- The dating thing is huge. Not sure whether to mention that in the beginning but I would think it will come up. I don't think I should just say "Yes, I want this, and that, and this". I think downplaying certain aspects at first is better.
- Transitioning full time. I think that is not an option for me for ahwile and I am not sure I want that. I know that probably changes with time and acceptance but I think that would have to materialize over time. I can't do it for work and I doubt my wife will let go of me as I am so easily. I am not going to force that. I don't want to give her an ultimatum to accept me as this or leave me. Because, as I mentioned before, I wouldn't follow through on that threat. I am also a musician and play guitar and sing (not for a living) but I do play out. I couldn't do that as a woman. Never even considered that and the voice thing would certainly be an issue with that. How do you deal with your voice in public? Do you practice? Is there things you can do? Are you planning HRT or surgery for your voice?   
- A kind of sensitive topic but you mentioned about you and your wife's sleeping arrangements. For the past few years I have slept on the couch. I didn't deliberately make a choice one day to do that, I just started not going to bed because I realized I was uncomfortable in bed, anxious, and it kept me awake. I didn't automatically associate that with this but having just discovered that alot of things in my past life were and are indicators, I am thinking that this is a manifestation of this turmoil inside. What do you think?
- Crazy how things are fitting together right now. She is going to have those realizations too. "Oh, so that's why this, and that's why that..." Probably, she will see things that I am not. After all, she has much more experience at being a woman than I.

So, I have some other questions (of course) and clothes questions (love clothes) and some questions about safe places to go (besides an LGBT Festival, lol) but I will send another post to get to my 15.

Joanna

Oh, crap...now you're upping the ante... I haven't gone outside the house dressed as a woman since my "awakening". Omg. Well, I guess if I haven't done it by then, I'll just have to go for it. It's possible I may meet someone I know there. Maybe they won't recognize me...lol! Maybe they will. Oh well.

In answer to the two year/1 month factor: For the last two years I have been shifting things in ways that I didn't understand, but now looking back, it was freaking obvious to someone who knows about misgendering. For instance, I've grown my hair quite long, down to mid-shoulder blade length. I have amazing hair for a 56 year old man, and while I started letting it grow on (what I thought) was a lark, I started liking it. A lot. I liked how it felt on my shoulders. I like seeing it in the mirror. I liked combing it. People would ask me about it, and I'd just say that it was something I was doing just because I've never tried it. It's always been real short, usually not much longer than military (Navy military, not Marine). As our poly relationship developed, while my wife and her new partner were still in their "new relationship energy" stage, I encouraged things to shift to where he started supplying her sexual needs, he ended up sharing the master suite (I got my own room), etc, while maintaining a close intimate relationship with her. From time to time we even commented that I was more like a "girlfriend". I had a drawer full of panties that I wore fairly often, that my wife helped me buy. There were lots of other things going on as well, some that I am only now seeing in a new light. Every day there is another "aha" moment. But I couldn't figure out what the hell was going on. I struggled with my sexuality. She let me play with a bi man, and once with a gay man. The bi man was great. Intense and primal, and that worked. The gay man left me literally traumatized. It took me several days to recover, and it wasn't anything he did. It just did not work for me. So I'm struggling with the "am I gay", "am I bi", WTF, and even started thinking I was going insane. None of it made any sense to me.

Last month, my wife did an Oracle card reading (kinda like Tarot) for me about my sexuality. The message I got knocked me on my ass. I instantly knew that I got to accept that I was a trans woman. It took a few days for me to process this, and then I shared it with her. It actually didn't go down that easy with her. She processed it for 2 days. Once she had the chance to accept it and to realize it didn't mean the end of our relationship, she fully accepted it, and has been even enthusiastic about it ever since. She let did that wonderful makeover session with me that I told you about and took pictures in our back yard (my profile pic is from that day). She and her other partner (who also fully accepted it) tease me all the time, and we have a lot of fun about it all. Her attitude towards me has shifted, too, in subtle ways. Today I went up to her and kissed her tenderly and played with her breast and she started giggling. I asked her why, and she said "a woman is playing with my breast!" and we both cracked up. I can tell from her energy that she is really holding me in that space now, and I'm loving it.

She told her daughter, who I am also close to, about it, and showed her the pictures (with my permission, of course). Her daughter said "I can see her!". And that's what was magical about the makeover. When I looked in the mirror and first saw a man in makeup and a dress, and then suddenly I crystallized into a woman. That was an incredibly exciting and mind-blowing moment for me...

So, once again, my experiences seem to be pretty relevant to yours. Pretty cool! As for my voice, I've started practicing a little. Also my mannerisms. I watch my wife, and it's the little things the even she is unaware. Watch how a woman reaches down to pick up something on the floor. Then watch how you do it. Women bend over at the waist. Men go out of their way to not do that - they squat. I have tons to learn.

There is a website that has a lot of resources for voice training (that I found out about on this forum). They want you to buy and download the program, but there's a LOT of free stuff to get you started:

http://www.genderlife.com/products-page/ultimate-packages/transsexual-voice-video-download/

As far as both dating and transitioning full time, I would say just to take your time and do what feels natural. Find your pace. Transitioning can have lots of flavors, as I've recently learned. It can run from simple cross-dressing to full SRS surgery that makes you, for most purposes, functionally a woman. Lots of wiggle room to find your perfect place. That's my advice from one newbie to another...lol!

About PM, I think the 15 post minimum is to send a PM, but not to receive one.  Also from somebody I PM'd and they replied -- it looks like a newbie can reply to a PM without having 15 posts.

I bought the Genderlife videos ("Finding Your Female Voice Exercises b" and "Finding Your Female Voice Spectrogram Exercises b" video) and PDF guide.  Cost me all of $9.95 so it's a pretty easy decision.  Have only started, but having read through the guide it seems like a pretty thorough process.

Your relationship discussions are pretty interesting, although I don't think relevant for me.  Good luck to both of you!
Love, Randy

Quote from: RandyL on April 18, 2017, 10:18:45 PM
About PM, I think the 15 post minimum is to send a PM, but not to receive one.  Also from somebody I PM'd and they replied -- it looks like a newbie can reply to a PM without having 15 posts.

Great! I didn't know that - I'll give it a try.

Quote from: RandyL on April 18, 2017, 10:18:45 PM
About PM, I think the 15 post minimum is to send a PM, but not to receive one.  Also from somebody I PM'd and they replied -- it looks like a newbie can reply to a PM without having 15 posts.

I think that's incorrect. The only exception I know of is if they are a donor. I have sent plenty of PMs to new users about moderation issues and I have seen them respond in threads but not by PM until they reach 15 posts.

Quote from: Dena on April 18, 2017, 10:28:09 PM
I think that's incorrect. The only exception I know of is if they are a donor. I have sent plenty of PMs to new users about moderation issues and I have seen them respond in threads but not by PM until they reach 15 posts.

Thanks for the correction Dena.  I guess the person who replied to me must have been a donor.

Hi, Joanna2. 

Congratulations on opening up to us about yourself!  It sounds like you are still exploring yourself and what your needs and wants are and will be.  You might want to consider seeing a gender therapist to help you with that exploration.

Many of us are or have been in similar positions.  I am 62, married, ex-military (RCAF), retired systems analyst.  Coming out to my wife, almost a year ago, was the hardest thing I have ever done.  I, too, had done my share of fantasy, but I found that wishful thinking was not a good medium of communication.     The only thing I could do was to jump without a parachute and just tell her.  You can ask some of the members here how long it took me to work up the gumption to do it.  Months!

I didn't give her an ultimatum.  Instead, I gave her her freedom.  I told her that my preference was to stay together, but it was her decision whether to leave or stay.  She decided to stay and be my biggest supporter.  I am going 'full time' in two days.

Quote from: KathyLauren on April 19, 2017, 07:37:34 AM
Hi, Joanna2. 

Congratulations on opening up to us about yourself!  It sounds like you are still exploring yourself and what your needs and wants are and will be.  You might want to consider seeing a gender therapist to help you with that exploration.

Many of us are or have been in similar positions.  I am 62, married, ex-military (RCAF), retired systems analyst.  Coming out to my wife, almost a year ago, was the hardest thing I have ever done.  I, too, had done my share of fantasy, but I found that wishful thinking was not a good medium of communication.     The only thing I could do was to jump without a parachute and just tell her.  You can ask some of the members here how long it took me to work up the gumption to do it.  Months!

I didn't give her an ultimatum.  Instead, I gave her her freedom.  I told her that my preference was to stay together, but it was her decision whether to leave or stay.  She decided to stay and be my biggest supporter.  I am going 'full time' in two days.

Wow, It is sooo scary. Every time I talk to her now I am imagining when and how the words are going to come out. Walking into the bedroom to talk about would be like slow motion like walking the green mile or something. I don't want it to come out in the middle of an argument like I have seen but that would almost seem easier to blurt out, "OH YEA, I WANT TO BE A GIRL, HOW BOUT THAT?", lol. We don't even argue that much so I may be waiting awhile.

I have thought about the ultimatum scenario "Accept me or leave" thing. Actually, I don't know what I would if she did not accept it if she gave me an ultimatum back like "You do this and I AM leaving". Seems like you made that choice and plan to say "Ok" to that scenario and move on. I guess this is the whole scary part. For me, if she doesn't accept me I think will regret ever trying. Maybe I am not ready.

Quote from: Dena on April 18, 2017, 09:52:14 PM
Most people have a voice high enough that therapy can produce a feminine sounding voice and some are even able to sing with it. I was not that fortunate and my trained voice was still well into the male range at about 130 to 140 or around a C3 for a head voice. It's not uncommon for males to have a chest voice in this range. I did the best I could but I decided to look into surgery about a year and a half ago. That was what caused me to find Susan's and you will see my early exploration in my early posts on the site. I don't recommend surgery unless you really need it but my head trained voice is comfortable at 220hz or A3 which is well in the feminine range.

Wow, very informative and the surgery option must have been terrifying for a singer such as yourself. I sing (comfortably) in a lower range ala James Taylor, Jim Croce, Cat Stevens (showing my age) so I am screwed. I guess that is all still tenor. I never really tested myself. I am sitting here though talking to myself and playing notes on my guitar trying to figure out my normal talking range, lol.. I never checked. I think I am around C3 too. I don't know if I could bring myself to do surgery. I have been practicing though just talking in a higher voice without sound like Big Mama (movie). I think I will just have to claim I am a lifelong smoker. I mean, my voice is still not as deep as my sister-in-law's. My mother-in-law always thinks it's her on the phone when I call...lol.

Joanna

Just a word of caution!  I too, thought my wife had picked up clues during the course of our marriage.  I thought that confessing all would be a formality and things would carry on as if nothing had happened, if not improve.  How wrong I was.  Stories such as Mikaela's are wonderful but, sadly, few and far between.

As others have already said, you need to have 'the conversation' sooner rather than later.  But before you have the conversation, try to empathise with the spouse's point of view.  There are a few 'stickies' at the top of the Significant Others topic that will help you with this.  Above all, remember that whilst you're dealing with one issue - your transgender urges - your wife will need to deal with two - your transgender urges and the fact that you kept these from her.  It may well be that she's not bothered about either or both of these but, in my experience, the breach of trust was far harder to overcome and, on more than one occasion, my wife has said that she can't trust anything I say.  The bottom line is that you can try to surpress your ->-bleeped-<- as I have done but you can't unsay what has been said.

If I could turn the clock back, I would give far more thought to the reasons I hid it for nearly two decades of marriage (thought it was a perversion and, when I met my wife, thought the urges had gone away permanently) and try to explain these to her.  Yes, she would still have felt betrayed but, in all probablity, to a far lesser degree and may have been able to understnad my situation & struggles more as a result.

I hope this helps.

Quote from: aaajjj55 on April 20, 2017, 11:43:19 AM
Joanna

Just a word of caution!  I too, thought my wife had picked up clues during the course of our marriage.  I thought that confessing all would be a formality and things would carry on as if nothing had happened, if not improve.  How wrong I was.  Stories such as Mikaela's are wonderful but, sadly, few and far between.

As others have already said, you need to have 'the conversation' sooner rather than later.  But before you have the conversation, try to empathise with the spouse's point of view.  There are a few 'stickies' at the top of the Significant Others topic that will help you with this.  Above all, remember that whilst you're dealing with one issue - your transgender urges - your wife will need to deal with two - your transgender urges and the fact that you kept these from her.  It may well be that she's not bothered about either or both of these but, in my experience, the breach of trust was far harder to overcome and, on more than one occasion, my wife has said that she can't trust anything I say.  The bottom line is that you can try to surpress your ->-bleeped-<- as I have done but you can't unsay what has been said.

If I could turn the clock back, I would give far more thought to the reasons I hid it for nearly two decades of marriage (thought it was a perversion and, when I met my wife, thought the urges had gone away permanently) and try to explain these to her.  Yes, she would still have felt betrayed but, in all probablity, to a far lesser degree and may have been able to understnad my situation & struggles more as a result.

I hope this helps.

Excellent advice. I agree completely. I realize that I maybe be understating my own experience, too. I said it took two days for my wife to come to terms with the news, even as free-thinking as she is. Those were two long days for me. She wasn't angry, nor did she have any drama, but for two days she withdrew and got to sit with it, work it out. During that time, she didn't want to talk about it. It was painful for me, and brought up fears, but mostly I was feeling for her, wishing there was something I could do or say to make it easier for her. It just took some time, and then she was all in and started enjoying herself. My wife is not a typical case, I'm sure...

Definitely put some time into seeing it from her point of view so you can better communicate with her. Assume that she is completely clueless and communicate with her from that assumption. You're less likely to be caught flat-footed and come across as insensitive to her experience of this news. This is a situation that has high risks and rewards, so must be handled with care.

Quote from: Joanna2 on April 20, 2017, 08:22:48 AM
Wow, very informative and the surgery option must have been terrifying for a singer such as yourself.

I make no claim as a singer. That ended at puberty when I started sounding more like a frog than a human. I just happen to know a good deal about voices because I had an extremely knowledgeable therapist and and I have spend the last two years adding to my knowledge. It wasn't promised but I can now comfortably reach about a C5 500hz so if I can train my tin ear I might be able to sing something half way decent.

Quote from: Dena on April 20, 2017, 04:42:07 PM
I make no claim as a singer. That ended at puberty when I started sounding more like a frog than a human. I just happen to know a good deal about voices because I had an extremely knowledgeable therapist and and I have spend the last two years adding to my knowledge. It wasn't promised but I can now comfortably reach about a C5 500hz so if I can train my tin ear I might be able to sing something half way decent.

oh, I took your reference to the octave notes as having a musical background. I understand now that you learned that as part of your process and your learning about voices. Just talking singing, I would love to be able to sing that C5 note at will. That is amazing. I can briefly hit that in passing in falsetto like in the last chorus line of Elton John's song Daniel,"Daniel, your a star..." but nothing sustaining.

Quote from: aaajjj55 on April 20, 2017, 11:43:19 AM
Joanna

Just a word of caution!  I too, thought my wife had picked up clues during the course of our marriage.  I thought that confessing all would be a formality and things would carry on as if nothing had happened, if not improve.  How wrong I was.  Stories such as Mikaela's are wonderful but, sadly, few and far between.

As others have already said, you need to have 'the conversation' sooner rather than later.  But before you have the conversation, try to empathize with the spouse's point of view.  There are a few 'stickies' at the top of the Significant Others topic that will help you with this.  Above all, remember that whilst you're dealing with one issue - your transgender urges - your wife will need to deal with two - your transgender urges and the fact that you kept these from her.  It may well be that she's not bothered about either or both of these but, in my experience, the breach of trust was far harder to overcome and, on more than one occasion, my wife has said that she can't trust anything I say.  The bottom line is that you can try to surpress your ->-bleeped-<- as I have done but you can't unsay what has been said.

If I could turn the clock back, I would give far more thought to the reasons I hid it for nearly two decades of marriage (thought it was a perversion and, when I met my wife, thought the urges had gone away permanently) and try to explain these to her.  Yes, she would still have felt betrayed but, in all probablity, to a far lesser degree and may have been able to understand my situation & struggles more as a result.

I hope this helps.

Yes, I have read so much here and, believe me, I apply each persons experiences and life-lessons to how my scenario might play out. Recently, and especially in the last few weeks, I have gone from thinking "I am so ready to do this" to "What the <not allowed> am I thinking?" and back again. I know my story is not new.

I know my wife may very well take the position that everything we have done has been a lie. I almost would expect that. But for that to really be true, it would assume that I was always resolute in who I was and lied about it. I wasn't. I have honest plausible deniability. And actually, I have not totally been hiding anyway. I think she just separates things into just temporary sexual fantasy. I could use many examples of hints and almost outright admissions though but just for example and more recently: I was away for work and and video chatting with her and actually (in the moment) showed her my panties. At the end, she asked me where I got them and I said I bought them here but said they are hard for me to buy and she said she would get me some. She actually sent me some pics while she was shopping for them and I picked the ones I liked. It was a fantasy moment and I even messaged back that I love panty shopping with her. She still didn't ask me about anything and just chalks it up to a small sexual turn-on. I mean, I know that wasn't "coming-out" on my part but if I mentioned all the moments and comments like that, (I think) it should be obvious.

I mean, I think sometimes that I just underestimate her and she knows and that when I do tell her she will say, "of course I know". In that scenario she wouldn't be shocked and appalled but in some ways, THAT scenario is also concerning because maybe it would mean she has already made the conscious choice not to accept or encourage it.

In my fairytale, she would say, of course I know, I have been waiting for you to be ready.

This site has been amazingly informative and therapeutic and it has also been fun sharing comments about shoes and makeup and lingerie shopping and I have joked about stuff and even joked about my wife. But, I do understand the enormity of it and that however that conversation goes, or her reaction, it will be a life changing moment for both... the moment she accepts, or rejects, or as in Makaela's wife's case, withdraws into soul searching limbo for a few days. I understand that that moment will change the remainder of mine, my wife's, and depending upon how it unfolds, many other's lives, and even changes our history. All those events and pictures that were remembered one way will now be revisited and overlayed with this new information.

We once had a fire years ago that destroyed everything we had. It was a very emotional time but it was not all instantaneous. Seemed like everyday and even months later, she would break down recalling another thing that was destroyed or changed by that fire. I hated to see her in such pain for so long and wondered what she will recall tomorrow. I can hope it would not be like that but, I am also aware, it could be worse and longer lasting. 

Joanna

Quote from: Mikaela on April 18, 2017, 10:03:29 PM
Oh, crap...now you're upping the ante... I haven't gone outside the house dressed as a woman since my "awakening". Omg. Well, I guess if I haven't done it by then, I'll just have to go for it. It's possible I may meet someone I know there. Maybe they won't recognize me...lol! Maybe they will. Oh well.

In answer to the two year/1 month factor: For the last two years I have been shifting things in ways that I didn't understand, but now looking back, it was freaking obvious to someone who knows about misgendering. For instance, I've grown my hair quite long, down to mid-shoulder blade length. I have amazing hair for a 56 year old man, and while I started letting it grow on (what I thought) was a lark, I started liking it. A lot. I liked how it felt on my shoulders. I like seeing it in the mirror. I liked combing it. People would ask me about it, and I'd just say that it was something I was doing just because I've never tried it. It's always been real short, usually not much longer than military (Navy military, not Marine). As our poly relationship developed, while my wife and her new partner were still in their "new relationship energy" stage, I encouraged things to shift to where he started supplying her sexual needs, he ended up sharing the master suite (I got my own room), etc, while maintaining a close intimate relationship with her. From time to time we even commented that I was more like a "girlfriend". I had a drawer full of panties that I wore fairly often, that my wife helped me buy. There were lots of other things going on as well, some that I am only now seeing in a new light. Every day there is another "aha" moment. But I couldn't figure out what the hell was going on. I struggled with my sexuality. She let me play with a bi man, and once with a gay man. The bi man was great. Intense and primal, and that worked. The gay man left me literally traumatized. It took me several days to recover, and it wasn't anything he did. It just did not work for me. So I'm struggling with the "am I gay", "am I bi", WTF, and even started thinking I was going insane. None of it made any sense to me.

Last month, my wife did an Oracle card reading (kinda like Tarot) for me about my sexuality. The message I got knocked me on my ass. I instantly knew that I got to accept that I was a trans woman. It took a few days for me to process this, and then I shared it with her. It actually didn't go down that easy with her. She processed it for 2 days. Once she had the chance to accept it and to realize it didn't mean the end of our relationship, she fully accepted it, and has been even enthusiastic about it ever since. She let did that wonderful makeover session with me that I told you about and took pictures in our back yard (my profile pic is from that day). She and her other partner (who also fully accepted it) tease me all the time, and we have a lot of fun about it all. Her attitude towards me has shifted, too, in subtle ways. Today I went up to her and kissed her tenderly and played with her breast and she started giggling. I asked her why, and she said "a woman is playing with my breast!" and we both cracked up. I can tell from her energy that she is really holding me in that space now, and I'm loving it.

She told her daughter, who I am also close to, about it, and showed her the pictures (with my permission, of course). Her daughter said "I can see her!". And that's what was magical about the makeover. When I looked in the mirror and first saw a man in makeup and a dress, and then suddenly I crystallized into a woman. That was an incredibly exciting and mind-blowing moment for me...

So, once again, my experiences seem to be pretty relevant to yours. Pretty cool! As for my voice, I've started practicing a little. Also my mannerisms. I watch my wife, and it's the little things the even she is unaware. Watch how a woman reaches down to pick up something on the floor. Then watch how you do it. Women bend over at the waist. Men go out of their way to not do that - they squat. I have tons to learn.

There is a website that has a lot of resources for voice training (that I found out about on this forum). They want you to buy and download the program, but there's a LOT of free stuff to get you started:

http://www.genderlife.com/products-page/ultimate-packages/transsexual-voice-video-download/

Hi Mikaela,

Firstly, your story is amazing. I get you. You are definitely not a gay man. You are a beautiful blossoming woman. You should only choose partners who get that and treat you accordingly.

So not in any order here... I have reached my 15 posts so I can send PM and I will do that. Reaching my 15 posts has been fun and enlightening and I have been replying to different threads.

Ironically, I just got shoes and makeup for the first time so new experiences to talk about. I know I must sound like such a newb to people who have been crossdressing or trans for awhile but these are new experiences for me and I am surprised how amazing it is and just want to share. I mean, I learned how to make my lips look bigger and fuller with lipstick and I just stared at them for hours. Kind of a moment where I was thinking, "maybe I can pass". I just got shoes for the first time also, 5" heels. Probably not the best for a novice but I couldn't take them off for hours either. I never knew how those 5" heels tightened up your leg and butt muscles when you walk, lol, love it. It is fun and I only wish that I could actually experience these firsts with my wife.

I am in a situation where I can experiment right now but it is going to get harder if I try to keep hiding. I have been pretty bold lately buying stuff that I know I won't be able to keep hidden. I mean, if she finds those shoes or makeup, the gig is up. Her knowing about panties has been one thing. 5" pink stilettos (in my size) will be harder to explain. Maybe she will make me try them on like Cinderella... if they fit, I am in trouble, lol. I actually bought a beautiful white lacy long sleeve but short dress and stockings. I haven't received it yet. What the hell am I going to do with that? I have looked at stuff online in the past and even put things in my cart and went through the checkout process only to circle my finger over the "complete purchase" button for a few minutes and then cancel out. The moment I hit the button for real it was like a, "OMG, What have you just done?" moment. Anyway, I am actually excited about getting it and hopefully I will be amazed again but I wonder if I will wind up taking all that stuff to the trashcan.

Truthfully, you are in an amazing place that I think a lot of us (if I can speak for other trans or pre-trans husbands/boyfriends) can only fantasize about. As you are reading in other posts in this thread, I am getting a healthy dose of realities also from others. I think I have to take this slower and just come out strategically and in pieces, showing glimpses and dropping hints and measuring her responses (of course, unless she finds my stilettos, lol). I think we may wind up going to St Pete for that weekend but not necessarily for the festival. I think having that amazing weekend I described is a little optimistic for two months away. It will still be interesting and may generate the topic and discussion and what ifs. I still really hope you go too (you should) but I don't know about meeting there this time. I really do like communicating with you and I want to continue. I just have to go slower. I would love to talk to you about the festival afterward.

So, in other news, I checked out that genderlife site about voice training and also traded posts with Dena about it a little. Interesting stuff. All those different types of voices people try is too funny. Also, I now know the notes on the guitar to bracket both the male and female gender vocal ranges. Imagine that. As far as my voice...sooo hard to sound natural. You mentioned about watching your wife's mannerisms and stuff. I have been trying that and that is also so hard to be natural. I don't want to act and talk like I am a gay man but that's I feel I am coming off. Nothing wrong with that if that's how a guy wants to come off but I like the natural woman mannerisms and voice. I have been noticing alot though and I need practice. Those little things, like bending over, or how I eat, or just keeping my legs closer together takes some extra thought. I need a mentor to critique and remind me. Maybe one day, my wife will mentor me. I can just hear her at the restaurant.."Don't eat like that!", lol.

Ok, just rambling. long-winded as usual. Sitting here watching tv and typing. sorry.

Joanna

Joanna2, check your inbox under "My Messages".


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