I talked to my therapist today yet I still could not talk about Larisa. There was something else I needed to talk about and so I was able to avoid talking about me, a girl. I than thought about telling someone else but than they said hello followed by my birth name and I just couldnt talk. It was like how do I do this.

It's a feeling again of you know this guy you know totally unaware of this girl I know and am. Im thinking I have no right to take away this guy from people like Im selfish to. That this guy others only know is as real and needed as Larisa who I know I am and the girl I am. I dont know if that makes sense.

I just want to start talking about me a girl, Larisa, how important that guy everyone else knows and how important and real he is to the world and while Im a girl inside that this guy is also real to everyone and has a place in the world. Only thing is that it's impossible for me Larisa and that guy to be here. I love him soo much and Ive known him as others have and I just can't take him away from others to be me the girl which I am. I hope this all makes sense to others. If anything I would like to start by just talking but even talking is difficult. 

  Hi Larisa,

     I think I understand how you are thinking and though it isn't expressed very clearly in words i/we understand where your head is at. Don't think for a single moment you are alone in your thinking. For a time that boy will be in the spotlight and will be as real to everyone as Larissa is to you. As time goes on Larissa will begin to come to the fore needing to be acknowledged and begin to assert herself. Eventually she will take the lead and come into focus stepping into the spotlight and the boy will step out. It's called transition for a reason, it's a process. Larissa will take on a life of her own.
   For our friends and family it could very well seem like a passing away of the one they know and loved, but Larissa will be there to help fill the void and garner the love they have for you regardless of the form you take.
   You can do this Larissa.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

Larisa,

I agree with Jeanette, transition is a process and a very long one at that. No one get through it unscathed, but we all face similar challenges to some degree. The physical presentation is just the tip of the iceberg.

Make sure you think your plan  through and avoid being impulsive about the issue. Regardless of how it's received, this will be an important milestone in your life. Plus, once you let the Jeannie out of the bottle, there's no putting her back inside.



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Quote from: Larisa1983 on April 21, 2017, 09:43:55 PM
"Im thinking I have no right to take away this guy from people like Im selfish to. That this guy others only know is as real and needed as Larisa who I know I am and the girl I am." 

"how important that guy everyone else knows and how important and real he is to the world and while Im a girl inside that this guy is also real to everyone and has a place in the world. Only thing is that it's impossible for me Larisa and that guy to be here. I love him soo much and Ive known him as others have and I just can't take him away from others to be me the girl which I am."

Hii Larisa, I just want to let you know I can completely relate to what your saying!!

"Im thinking I have no right to take away this guy from people like Im selfish to."

This is exactly how I feel!! It's like I feel wrong to take "Kyle" away from people who have grown to love me as "Kyle", such as family--from parents to grandparłents all the way to nieces an nephew. An I to get these overwhelming thoughts and feelings of "selfishness". Almost like I have no right to take "Kyle" away from them. I realize he will be truly missed by them. But is it really selfish to be someone that others want you to be? Is it selfish to want to love yourself an be content an comfortable in your own skin?

Quote from: VenessaKyle on April 21, 2017, 11:14:09 PM
Hii Larisa, I just want to let you know I can completely relate to what your saying!!

"Im thinking I have no right to take away this guy from people like Im selfish to."

This is exactly how I feel!! It's like I feel wrong to take "Kyle" away from people who have grown to love me as "Kyle", such as family--from parents to grandparłents all the way to nieces an nephew. An I to get these overwhelming thoughts and feelings of "selfishness". Almost like I have no right to take "Kyle" away from them. I realize he will be truly missed by them. But is it really selfish to be someone that others want you to be? Is it selfish to want to love yourself an be content an comfortable in your own skin?

Right, you're not just taking someone away, you're giving them someone else who's amazing.

I realize how I need to be me. It's not my family also who wouldnt accept me. They arent like that, it's others although still I feel I can't do it to them.

I really dont know what it's like to think like a guy, I try to fake it and at times I succeed in the act but I dont truly know ofcourse what it feels like to be a man. It becomes awkward for me. Being a girl inside yet giving the appearance of a guy is not easy. I can appear annoyed infact people have noticed I can appear angry in a subtle way and like something is bothering me. I just say oh nothing but I know the real reason. Im not like that all the time. I do have my happy times but it's usually when I can be distracted and not be able to think about it all.

To be happy, be Larisa completely and not have to feel the dysphoria ever again is like a dream to me and while it's not as bad as it was a year ago due to some transitioning I did that didnt have me tell people, it's there still. Truth is Larisa and this guy they know are not that different. It's mostly gender stuff that would be different.

If I could snap my fingers and change it all, I would. It would make things soo much easier for me. To be able to be me is something most people already have and I only dream of. It is getting harder to not be me. Most people say how time goes faster as they get older but for me it's slower it seems at times.

The other reason for not becoming me completely is I wouldnt pass and if it doesnt look 100% natural, than whats it all for. I dont like when I hear "living as a woman now". Ive always been living as a girl but just didnt know it for a long time and others still dont. I just dont have the physical side to it.

Im gonna def tell my therapist soon and see what I should do.