Hello to all. Found this site a few weeks ago and I have been reading/ following some of threads. There is a bunch of good, helpful information here and some of it has really resonated with me. I debated posting this for a few days- really unsure of things at this moment so I guess I should start with some general background info and then some history. I apologize in advance- this may be lengthy, most of this I have never spoken/ written before and some of it is a very recent connecting the dots that seemed insignificant and unrelated at the time.
I will be 42 in 3 weeks and was born male and until recently I accepted that. I have a sister and a brother- I am the oldest. My wife and I have been married for 14 years and have no children.
One of my favorite childhood toys was a toy vacuum cleaner so I could mimic my mother vacuuming. I spent time playing with boys and girls as child. I had no problems playing with my sisters dolls and hanging out with her friends. I did have some boys that I hung out with but always seemed to enjoy the girl things more.
Then puberty hit and things got weird. I lost almost all of my friends and I fit in with no one. The guys all called me names and bullied me. The girls thought I was strange and wanted nothing to do with me. I retreated into myself and books. Becoming very withdrawn and quiet.
In my late teens I "borrowed" (polite word for stole) some my Sisters clothes and would dress in private. This continued off and on for few years. I would feel embarrassed and pack the items away, and then after a few months start dressing in private again.
In my early twenties I had my ear pierced and was regularly having my hair styled (in a pretty boy style) and highlighted. I always tried dressing nice and neat. I had my own apartment for a while and I dated some but I always very awkward and shy socially. Still never really developed any friendships- just never seemed to fit in.
When I met my wife in my mid-twenties I boxed up my stash of "borrowed" clothing and threw it all away. I also ditched the earring and got a buzz cut. I grew a goatee and kept a beard sometimes, trying to be a real man's man for my wife. At times during our marriage I had irrational bouts of anger over stupid trivial things. I continued to withdraw socially and even at times withdrew from my wife. I also spent a lot of time feeling rather depressed. Looking back I am amazed she has put up with me for 14 years. I love my wife and she is my best friend- to this day I do not have any male friends.
I also gained weight during this time- see sawing up and down and was never comfortable with my body. This culminated about two years with me hitting a high of almost 270lbs at 5' 8" tall. My clothing got sloppier and I really let shaving go, sometimes not shaving for days.
During all of this I never put the pieces together, that things, these thoughts and feelings could be/ were all related. I was raised in a very conservative Christian home- boys were boys and girls were girl's period. I was sheltered in some ways as a child and never really exposed to things outside of the normal black and white spectrum of gender.
Over the last few years I started really questioning my sexuality, at times feeling more like a lesbian than a straight male. This finally led to me researching information on lesbians looking for answers and then I stumbled across gender dysphoria/ transgender a few months ago and suddenly it all started to come together.
So if you are still reading thanks. I thought of posting a question but I am not sure where or what to post. I am unsure of who I am at this point. I have decided to explore things a bit and have started to let the female in me out. I have shaved my beard. I have ordered a few things and plan to start dressing in secret again. I already feel better and happier by just taking these small steps. So here is the question(s)- I know I need to really have a heart to heart talk with my wife(I am really anxious over this one) but I also feel like a therapist may be a good idea as well.
Also, is really possible to suppress things of this nature to the point of not knowing its existence? Is this all a coincidence? Is it normal for man to notice a pretty girl and then notice her earrings and want to ask her- wow those are cute, were did you get those? This happened the other morning with my wife at breakfast and of course I said nothing but the thought stuck with me- I can still see those earrings even now, lol. I am so scared and unsure where this is all going and what I should I do next- talk to my wife or see a therapist. I do not think I can box this back up either.
Thanks again for sticking with this, I really needed to unload. I would really appreciate some words of wisdom here as I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.

Hi Marc 

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Hugs

V M

Hey Mar, I am not able to give much wisdom as I am still new to this myself. I did want to say hello and to let you know I truly get where you're coming from. I too basically feel like a lesbian. I can't say I'm not somewhat attracted to guys, but I'm like 99.95% attracted to girls only. Though I pay others no mind seeing as I love my wife very much. She is my best friend and I want to be with her always. I recently posted a newbie introductions as well. I think you'll find we're somewhat in a similar boat. The best to you. - Emily

Welcome to Susan's Place. Lets see if we can help you with a few of your questions. You should consider therapy and a gender therapist would be a good place to start but if you already have a therapist, you might see what your current therapist can do.

Suppressing your feeling for a long time isn't uncommon. We have members in their 50s and 60 who are in the early stages of addressing their gender identity issues. It's not healthy and like you, they have allowed their life to deteriorate. They may have gained weight or have personality issues with others in their life.

Yes we do envy others and would like to be more like them. It's not a sexual attraction but a desire to appear more feminine.

As for exploring yourself, I have a couple of links you might want to look at. The first is our WIKI where you will learn about ->-bleeped-<-. The second is "the transition channel"
where a therapist will help you explore your feelings.

Let me know if there is anything I can help you with.

Hi Marc.

  I'm Jeanette, and I will be your self appointed unofficial greeter. I haven't much to do as you have been officially greeted by not one but two of our officials here. V M and Dena have done there jobs and done it well too. So welcome Marc.  ((( Hug ))) Oh yes I do that too. Come on in and take a seat. This is a good place to come and talk to others who share common issues with you. Dena is right talking to an professional therapist is a good place to start. Then you can follow their lead. You may decide to kind of give your wife a heads up and just let her know in very general terms that you have some things bothering you and you think talking to a therapist might help. That way you have been honest with her and she may be more understanding later.
  As for your story would you mind if I copied it and said it for future postings if I have need again to tell my story? I would need to change a few details but It could very well be my story there as so many similarities in it with my stories. Like my starting to borrow my 5 sister's things and an earlier age than you. An how I am no longer married after being married 20+ years due to many issues I believe could very well related to gender dysphoria. And yes that was an unknown term for me until very recently. I referred to myself as a life long crossdresser and had convinced myself it was enough but I was lying to myself. It wasn't I knew I want more. Like you I discovered gender dysphoria while browsing online for more info on transgender. Like you some of the things began to click together. Unlike you I discovered I could obtain HRT meds and I got them and without even having to think about it I started taking them. I figured I could quit before anything irreversible happened if I wanted to. But from that first swallow I knew it was right for me. That was only 4 1/2 months ago. I did decide to do it the right way fairly early and told my doctor and through him I am receiving my meds and gender therapy through the VA.  All my doctors know about me and I am in the process of coming out to family and friends. It is all very new and still scary.
   It is not something to be taken lightly at all. This is life changing stuff. Make your decisions carefully as they are going to cause you heartache and they will cause you joy too. No matter which way you decide. And yes now that the squirrels are loose in your head you will be having to make decisions. it will drive you crazy until you do.

Any way  welcome  Marc, I hope you like it here and decide to stick around. We are glad you found us and we want you here,

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

Thanks girls for the warm welcome and your kind, thoughtful advice.

The last few days have been emotionally hard- I came out to my wife about the dressing and my feelings on Thursday last week. At first I thought lost her but then after much tears and alot of heart to heart discussion I came to discover she is also most likely transgender, ftm and has been suffering as well. She has even gone so far as to self harm as recently as a year ago.

Due to her personal religious faith she is not comfortable with transitioning or even the thought of transitioning- by me or her, much less coming out of the closet. I am the first person she has ever discussed her feelings with.

At the moment we are working on our relationship and are seeking counseling for us. She is comfortable with me doing small things and she already does small things herself. I never really understand that about her- not wearing makeup, no dresses, etc. to relieve her dysphoria. I just took that as who she was and loved her for being her, not realizing the deeper meaning behind it.

So cautiously optimistic about our marriage and taking a wait and see approach on further travels down the road to transition. Hoping together we can help each other out and come out this with a stronger and more loving marriage.

Thanks again and hugs to all.

Quote from: Marc on April 25, 2017, 12:15:20 PM
Thanks girls for the warm welcome and your kind, thoughtful advice.

The last few days have been emotionally hard- I came out to my wife about the dressing and my feelings on Thursday last week. At first I thought lost her but then after much tears and alot of heart to heart discussion I came to discover she is also most likely transgender, ftm and has been suffering as well. She has even gone so far as to self harm as recently as a year ago.

Due to her personal religious faith she is not comfortable with transitioning or even the thought of transitioning- by me or her, much less coming out of the closet. I am the first person she has ever discussed her feelings with.

At the moment we are working on our relationship and are seeking counseling for us. She is comfortable with me doing small things and she already does small things herself. I never really understand that about her- not wearing makeup, no dresses, etc. to relieve her dysphoria. I just took that as who she was and loved her for being her, not realizing the deeper meaning behind it.

So cautiously optimistic about our marriage and taking a wait and see approach on further travels down the road to transition. Hoping together we can help each other out and come out this with a stronger and more loving marriage.

Thanks again and hugs to all.

  That's really good that you and your wife are talking about booths of your gender issues. Really great in fact. It means there is hope for both of you. Even with her religious reservations there is hope  and a real possibility  of working things out for both of you. It has to be a relief and has probably made you two closer in your relationship.

  I too could not understand why girls and women didn't want to wear dresses or skirts and cute top, apparently preferring jeans and t-shirts when I would give anything to be able to wear those clothes myself. I thought it such a waste. Yet at the same time I envied girl/women their freedom to wear whatever they wanted to wear. Why oh why couldn't I?

  Here's to hoping for the best possible outcome in your and your wife's relationship.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette