I am pre everything, including HRT. Last night, I decided to try to get my head straight. I have had deep feelings of repression and depression. I was convinced that I was trying to convince myself that I am a girl inside. So last night, I took my first BATH in well over 2 decades. Though the logistics were a little hairy because my unhappiness caused a lot of weight gain, I did it. I soaked in the bath and used some Origins women's body wash. Some herbal essences shampoo. The first conditioner I have EVER used. Shaved my legs in the bath, the upper/coverable parts anyway, my armpits as well. I had a glass of wine while I was in there. I got out and used some lotion on my dry skin areas and put on my first pair of panties. I have had them a while but been very scared to wear them. I put on some Degree Sexy Intrigue deoderant. I cuddled up in my little bed, covered up and I could smell the "girlyness" on me as I fell asleep.
I woke up this morning and I have never been more positive about anything. I still smelled that "girlyness" all over me, in my sheets, my pillow, my blanket. I layed there for a while with my cover off and noticed it still felt like I was wrapped in a warm blanket. Everything seemed to melt away and for the first time in....ever, I felt content. My mind slowed down for the first time in years. I can form coherent thoughts. I check my BP every morning because I want off my BP meds and today it was lower than it had been in 5 years. I don't feel like everything around me is moving at the speed of light while I am standing still anymore. I have some semblance of solace now, a quiet inner peace that will inevitably encourage me to take more baby steps forward. I know my future still looks bleak, but I feel that I am slowly gaining the inner strength I will need to confront what lies ahead. One step at a time.
Everyone who has helped me here has been amazing! I know I tend to over-elaborate things and be long winded, but I can not even begin to know how to thank you for all of your kind words and encouragement. I feel like I am almost strong enough to say "I am a ...." out loud...but not yet. Soon though. I am still waiting for that little bit of validation, I hope I will get it soon because I don't want this peace to go away.
