I explained my fear that if she pushes me away, she'll one day regret having pushed away someone who cared for her so deeply but that her realization could come too late.

I agonized this for years, many many years. I told Wen nobody would love her as much as i do. That's true because I love her as much today as ever even though we divorced years ago. The Irony is she will be celebrating her 33rd anniversary with her "new" husband.  Life goes on.  I have a "new" spouse also and we have also been together for 32 years. But what would crush me more than anything is losing the love and respect for my kids.
Put the gun away, your life is to precious to waste. Yes it will be a constant fight. But you could isolate yourself from the rest of the world, withdraw, and begin to hate everything. I took drugs to escape my pain. Luckily my wife is the strongest person I know as I have presented disappointment, after disappointment yet she still sticks with me. Loves me. I hope your wife learns and begins to understand. If I could live the rest of my life lying to myself, I would have died and no one would have been any the wiser. But I just could not hold the load any longer. I lived a life under a lot of stress mostly self imposed. The last 8 months have been relatively stress free. Now my problems are finding a way to get to Tacoma for my electrology appointment during rush hour and taking less than two hours to travel the 30 miles.  I have learned a little about the community and want to contribute. That's my goal in life now in the years I have left. I do this so the kids coming up do not have to go through the things I did. Thankfully I have support. You do have people that care too. If you ever get the urge to pull out a gun again. Please, please please don't be afraid to send a PM and we can talk. You can't love someone else if you don't love yourself first. It's a hard lesson to learn, but you will with time. Give yourself the time.  I wish I could reach out and hug you right now. Everything is better with hugs.

I too am happy you are still here with us. Those thoughts have hit me as well but I have never gone so far as getting it out of the safe. Stay safe and remember life is more important than the temporary despair.

A very BIG H-U-G

Before my wife and I married an "open marriage" was part of the deal with the very/extremely free spirited :Hippie Chick" I had chased after, dated and more in an on/off relationship for 10 or so years. During all the years we were on/off dated I knew she was dating other guys, her being a self described "pathologically Honest" person. (Me, on the other hand.....)

When I dropped the T-Bomb on her almost 8 years ago the open marriage clause was often mentioned. Didn't thrill me at all. But I could not, nor could I expect her to "stick around" after I just kicked over the table. One day at a time.....

These days, some 8 years later, we still talk about it. Her now having the big fear of me falling for some guy as I S-l-o-w-l-y learn who/what I am.

The love we have for eachother has kept and is keeping us together. After loosing 2 other SO's thanks to me me being "So Different from Other Guys" I do have a bit of a different viewpoint

Quote from: JoanneB on April 28, 2017, 09:43:43 PM
After loosing 2 other SO's thanks to me me being "So Different from Other Guys" I do have a bit of a different viewpoint

Yes you do, and I appreciate that you were willing to share it.  Someone else here mentioned that much of my pain comes from the loss of the familiar and what was comfortable and that couldn't be more true.  My wife and I were high school sweethearts and I've not known a life without her since I was 14 years old. We had our first child while still in High School, despite that and many other challenges we've faced, we've been married for 18 years and together for 25. 

So hearing your perspective from someone who has been through the loss and been able to move on and find happiness again is very useful to me. I would still really love to keep her in my life in some fashion, I will always love her, but I'm becoming more and more aware that I need to let go of the life we had and figure out what my new life will be.