Disclaimer: This is a copy of something I posted to ->-bleeped-<-. I am hoping somebody here will have an answer that ->-bleeped-<- did not. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to help me.

Hello, I hope that you guys can help me. To start out with please understand that anything I say in this post is not meant to offend or insult anybody. So like I was saying I hope you can help me. I think I might have a problem of wanting to be a girl and I don't know how to get rid of it. I have tried my entire life to ignore the problem but it has just gotten worse and worse until now I am completely miserable and it is ruining my life. To give you an idea about me, I am a 25 year old male who is 6'1" and is almost 400 lbs. I live in Arkansas.

This has been a problem my whole life. I can go back to my very first memories and in my mind is me trying on my sisters and mothers clothes. I used to get barbies and stuffed bears as gifts and I would play polly pocket (back when they actually fit in your pocket) with my sister. But then I started to get older. In my experience, when a male reaches a certain age, them being feminine stops being cute and starts being something to correct. I remember being chastised for the way I was standing one time with my hand on my hip and wearing my jacket just draped over the back of my shoulders like a cape. I remember wanting a shirt at tee shirt one time and my mom wouldn't let me have it because it was the girls version and she tried to get me to pick out the boy version. I didn't want the boy version and and started to cry. To be honest, I didn't even realize it was a girl's tee, I just like the design better. It was around that time I started wishing that I could have boobs like my mom. I would pray every night that I would someday grow boobs like she did. Once I learned that women have vaginas instead of penises my prayer changed into God making me a girl. Eventually I realized that I shouldn't want to be a girl because I am a boy! I am supposed to grow up to be big and strong just like my dad! So I pushed the thoughts of wanting to be a girl into the back of my mind.

Then... puberty hit. Girls started to blossom into these wonderfully beautiful creatures that i couldn't keep off my mind. Except... something was wrong. I would see a pretty girl and dream about all the things boys dream of doing to girls but there was something else. Something horrible. I would look at them and their changing bodies and become jealous. It would cause a deep pain in my soul. Then it became worse. I got a girlfriend when I was a freshman in High school. I quickly realized that I had no idea how to date a girl. All the things that came naturally to other guys made me uncomfortable. I didn't know how to be the "man" and take charge in the relationship. Furthermore the idea of it made me uncomfortable. I didn't want to be in charge. She dumped me quickly and I haven't dated since. To get through the rest of High School I decided too fill my time with sports and other extra curricular activities. I kept my mind busy and off of my craziness. I also found that masturbating would cause the feeling to go away for a while. So I spent A LOT of time locked in my room. It wasn't a perfect solution but it kept me sane enough. At least until someone commented on my "broad shoulders" or being a big guy.

Once I went to college without the business of sports and work and other activities, things became really bad. Up until about a year ago I kept failing class after class. My GPA is devastated to a point I can never recover. After high school, I became so unhappy I turned to food for comfort. I would constantly gorge myself on fast food for every meal. I eventually ballooned up to the weight I am now at close to 400 pounds. During my sophomore year of college I started having dreams. Dreams of me as a girl. Not sexual dreams or anything, just being a girl. For example on dream I had, I was trying on bras. I was just in the dressing room at Target trying on different bras. Another dream I had, I was walking up to my grandmother's house for Thanksgiving and I noticed my nails were painted. I became fascinated and just stared at them. The scariest part of the dreams are not the dreams themselves but how they made me feel. I was extremely happy and content in the dreams. Every time I have a dream like that I wake up feeling deeply ashamed and embarrassed. I eventually found a job that doesn't pay much but it pays the bills. It was then that i decided to try and start learning manly activities so that I can purge these wrong thoughts and feelings from me. But it's not working. While I am learning a lot of useful skills, I am no closer to being the man I want to be.

Things have been really bad lately. A couple of weekends ago a group of us went out to celebrate a friend's birthday. As we were in the bar the guys and the girls kind of separated into two different groups having two different conversations. All I could think about was how I wished I could just be one of the girls. It made me so ashamed that it just ruined the rest of the evening for me. A couple of nights ago I was masturbating and I realized something that shook me to the core. As I was watching this girl get pounded by a man, I realized that I was imagining myself as the girl. And then I realized that I have been doing that for a long time now without realizing it. I tried to imagine me as the guy but it did nothing for me. I couldn't finish until I started thinking about being the girl again. I tried switching to lesbian porn but while I can get off to it, it isn't as easy as the other. That realization made it even worse. Why can't I just be a normal guy? What kind of man wants to be a woman?

I need your guy's help in fixing me. I don't want to be some kind of freak. I just want to be a man like God made me and some day be a father. How do I make this go away? I'm willing to try anything. To be clear I don't think there is anything wrong with being a woman. I believe women are equal to men and second to no one except God and their husband. But if God wanted me to be a woman he would have made me one. I am a man.

Usually the more you try to deny something the worse it gets. The first step is accepting yourself and what you want. The next step is deciding what you do or don't want do about it. But until you get past the first step the second step should not even be considered.Try counseling to help you out on this situation.

I don't think you're going to get much of a different answer to what was on ->-bleeped-<-. If you're transgender fixing in the sense you want doesn't exist. It just keeps getting worse until until you accept who you are and move on with that.

I'd suggest you see a good gender therapist.

I went through the same thing for over 50 years. My weight was up to 340 pounds. I immersed myself in work to take my mind off gender issues. But the feelings never left me. I finally transitioned last year and I am much happier. I could say you and I have a very similar story. We just feel better in a female life. Not a lifestyle, but the real thing.

We all must make a decision for ourselves. Only you can make a decision for yourself, because only you must live with the consequences of that decision.

Counseling from a professional psychologist trained in gender issues will help you sort out your feelings. Internet advice is inexpensive, but not always the best for you. Only you can make your decisions.

Best wishes

I feel for you so much!  I was much like you, and am still dealing with it, I'm not where i want to be, but hope I can help.  I am 6'4, and at the worst of times, before I finally started to accept who I was (even though I still am not sure or out publicly)  I was up to 600 lbs.  God I hate posting that here, but I really hope it helps you so that's why I did.  I was exactly the same weight as you at 25.  At 33 is when I hit my peak weight.  I did a ton of soul searching, found out I was trans and started working toward accepting it.  I am 36 now, and still not FULLY accepted myself, but I am in a much better place.  Life has become better and I am back down to 460 pounds.  This is all because I stopped lying to MYSELF.  I can't imagine how much better I might feel if I came out, but that's another story for another day. 

Look yourself in the mirror, try saying "I'm a woman"  say it multiple times a day for multiple days, see how you feel.  If it feels right, or even if you're uneasy about it, look in that same mirror and say "I'm a man."  This is exactly what I did, you can find my post a page or so back if you want to read my full story.  I vomited and felt like the whole world was wrong when I said I'm a man.  That is the day I started to accept who I am.

Don't waste another 10 years denying it like I did, that time I was in denial wrecked my body and my chance at EVER passing.  Don't lie to yourself, accept yourself as the woman, man or NB that you are inside.  It will take soul searching, but start NOW, you have so much more life to live and ENJOY if you figure it out sooner rather than later.

Your story, and your worries are a mirror image to my own.  I am 38, north of 350 lbs (and a lot of shame attached to that).  No one outside of this site knows what I am feeling, not my wife, not my parents, no one.  Like you I also live in the south east US.

I have done eveything I can to masculinize myself.  I work as an electrician, I have a big beard, and I make all the expected jokes at work.  I married my high school sweet heart.

And I hate myself for all of it.  I always have.  The more I have dug myself in to this masculine hole the more I hate myself.    I have done what is likely irrevicable damage to my back and knees due to the weight.  I have a twelve year marraige founded on the lie of who I really am.

Only very recently I have accepted the fact I am a trans-woman.  To this point I have done nothing to act on that.  But accepting that fact has been a huge step.

The weirdest part though, despite making no changes to how I live my life, I hate myself just a little less.  There is the tiniest spark inside of me that wants to live a real life.  That is where I carry Kelly.

I realize I have lied again.  When I accepted these things about myself I have made some very small changes.  I don't make the jokes at work anymore, they aren't funny, and I dislike being so hurtful.  Now I won't even laugh at the jokes, I just keep working.

Good luck to you.  Find some kind of acceptance for who you are.  It will help.

Sent from my SM-G928V using Tapatalk

As I read your post, at each point, I was telling myself yes. By the time I got to the end, there were considerably more yes's than the single no.  Read the introductions on Susan's you will find hundreds of similar stories. Including mine.  I wish I could offer some sage advice but unfortunately at 65 I am still learning myself. I've done every thing I can do with the limitations imposed on my health. I was fortunate enough to start HRT 8 months ago. I still have yet to introduce myself publicly, as heretofore it was always a private issue and I'm scared. I do know that support groups help. Getting to meet people in similar circumstances and discussing the subjects important to you. For me this has been my biggest blessing, because after all these years of self loathing and distancing myself from everyone and everything. I have found, I am not alone. Every time I go, there are 35 to 50 people in the same boat as me.

Northwest Arkansas Transgender Equality            http://nwaequality.org
River Valley Equality Center                                http://rvecark.org/support

I don't think you're going to get much of a different reply than from ->-bleeped-<-.
  I went through the same thing but from the other side. I was born female and want to be a male. I made myself as feminine as possible for quite a long time to try and "fix" the issue but all it did was give me a fondness for high heels and a lot of self-hatred.
  My advice for you would be to find a therapist and deal with your negative feelings about yourself. Get used to the idea of wanting to be a woman and see where that takes you.
  Dealing with the negative feelings you're directing at yourself may lessen the sense of urgency. I know it helped me, anyway.
  Also think of this: if God made you, he probably made you feminine. Make your own path in life and try not to worry so much about whether or not He disproves, because I doubt He would. The bible seems to indicate that as long as you have faith in His capacity to forgive, he will forgive.