So about 2-3 weeks ago, I sat down and talked to my fiancé about my gender dysphoria and came out to her as a transgender woman. She did not take it well at first. There was a lot of crying and hurt feelings. However finally she decided that she still wants to try and make us work together. She has always been exclusively interested in men but she is giving it a shot, which I do appreciate. However there are some things that are hard to deal with. For example she is mortified at the idea of telling anyone at all, and thinks it should be kept as a secret between the two of us. I however want to tell people... I have been living in the closet for far too long and I really feel like I am ready to be publically out. I have talked to her about HRT and expressed to her how desperately I want to start. She has told me how unhappy that makes her and she wants me to wait to start HRT for at least another 8 months to a year.. she wants to marry me as a man in September because she does not want her family to know who I really am... and she wants me to stay as a man until her older sister's wedding in December too so that her family will not know. I told her I cannot get married as a man. She told me I was being selfish and not thinking about her feelings. I have told her how bad I feel mentally on a daily basis and how much I need to start HRT but she insists her family cannot know... we are both over 18 and adults and I know she loves her family but I cannot help but be hurt by the fact that she is placing their opinions of us over my happiness and mental health. Recently I have begun exploring my gender more. I have shaved my legs, shaved my face, basically shaved hair from my entire body, and when we are home alone I have begun wearing some women's clothing. She has let me do these things but she acts visibly distressed and unhappy whenever I do, and it has caused me to end up feeling guilty and wrong about things that initially should make me happy. I love her very  much but I am also hurt and wish she would allow me to be myself openly... I feel like she is trying to cling to my male persona as much as possible although she tries to be supportive... I have  tried talking to her about these feelings but every time she becomes distressed and it ends with ME comforting HER... I'm not sure this is what a healthy relationship is meant to look like and I love her very much but I also need to take care of myself and tend to my own transition, which is the only way I will truly be happy. It is also harder to break off our relationship because we are engaged not just dating. Please are there any trans people out there who have had similar experiences with significant others? I need advice ASAP

Your situation is very familiar to me. I came out to my wife about 4 months ago and she didn't take it well, but she is really trying. It breaks my heart to break hers  after 25 years together, but as per my psychiatrist and therapist's advice you have to do what makes you happy and they've literally said "everyone else is not your problem". You have to do what makes you happy. That is probably the same advice that you're going to get from any psych. Luckily for me she says that she will stick with me unless I'm the one that decides to file for divorce. Best of luck!

I mean this in the nicest way and I wish there was a way, after reading this, that I could tell you that everything will be alright. Clearly, your fiancee is unprepared for what it means to transition. Based on your description of her responses, and concerns to keep it private, everything in your story is a giant red flag.

You would be far better off to get this situation resolved before you two get married even if you have to postpone the wedding. If you think transition is hard now, it will be twice as hard when you're perceived as the villain who suddenly came out as Trans and dragged her new wife through transition.

Don't dive into marriage until you come to a very clear understanding of the potential impact on your job, family, having children, suddenly becoming a member of the LGBT community, religious implications, the physical changes from HRT and cost of transition. This is just an off-hand list, it goes on and on.

She has to own this as much as you do. Otherwise, it would be far easier to break off the engagement now than create a lot more unnecessary barriers for you to live authentically.

If a solution is possible, I think it will be reached with the aid of a couples therapist. If she is unwilling to attend therapy, it will be very difficult for you to remain together. Not every relationship can be saved and we have our share of relationships that didn't last.

I agree with EmmaLoo and Dena.

Better to come out and lose the relationship now than to try to transition after children and in-laws are involved.

In my case, I never came out to a partner, yet still could never maintain a successful long term relationship.

Quote from: Dena on May 01, 2017, 12:19:35 AM
If a solution is possible, I think it will be reached with the aid of a couples therapist. If she is unwilling to attend therapy, it will be very difficult for you to remain together. Not every relationship can be saved and we have our share of relationships that didn't last.

What Dena says, without communication it will become complicated.

My STBEX-Wife knew from the beginning of our relationship but when everything collapsed she was unwilling to find a way. She blocked every communication  and communication is key.

If you can't find a way it's really better to end it now before you are to invested!

My biggest issue with the breakup is that my daughter has now two separate places to live and that sooner or later someone will have contact. I know the new boyfriend of my Ex and I couldn't stand him even before they became a couple. Opposite world views.

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Please excuse me for being very blunt. Sorry if I hurt any feelings, really.

You both sound like you are still quite young. You will not be ready to move your relationship forward by September for both of you have so much to deal with first.

On your part, you are figuring out who you really are and being honest with yourself and others for the first time. Please seek out a therapist with transgender experience. You don't even know what emotions you have buried along the path of life so far. I'm still piecing together my childhood memories and how they all fit into who I wanted to be verses who I acted like my whole existence. It is different once you allow emotions to flow freely. Lack of T and adding E will definately make this easier to do but relearning how to focus and control them may take a bit depending on how deeply your emotional self was buried to begin with. You should not have to feel guilty for trying to be happy with yourself, to dress how you need to to feel real. It's a process to be certain. One which a negative person can cause you to fall into major depression.

On her part, she is currently in the denial stage of grieving. She is grieving what she saw life was going to be, HER dreams, HER plans. This can take a while for her to work through. She should likely see a therapist just to work herself through her feelings. Of course it's hard on her, but you cannot be the unreal character in her dreams. You have to be the real you, whoever that is in the end. I also strongly suspect some sibling rivalry is at play. Her sister is to be married in Dec and she expected to be married in Sept. It's not usually good when sisters get married so close together. That would often indicate some competition. I know it sounds cliché but cliché is so because the reality is so often true. If so you just put a monkey wrench in her expectations for the fall. She may not be thinking about life after Decemeber, but just keeping the status quo until then. You need to find out what she thinks would happen if you stayed secret until after then. Would she become open to you transitioning if that is your path? If so how will she tell her family? Is she prepared for that should life head that way? If not then why would you even consider hiding for the rest of the year let alone going through with marriage if she cannot come to accept whoever you find yourself to be?

I know you love her. You two have serious adult conversations and thinking to do. There is no point in going through with marriage unless you can both accept each other for the truth, not the image.

Quote from: josie76 on May 01, 2017, 08:37:16 AM
I know you love her. You two have serious adult conversations and thinking to do. There is no point in going through with marriage unless you can both accept each other for the truth, not the image.

Sorry to be blunt as well but time is fleeting and ( very often) so is love.

The only person you will have to live with until the end of your days is you! So it's important to find and love yourself first.

Don't rush into a marriage under that circumstances. If she really loves you and not your current image and/or shell,  she will marry you also a couple of months or even years later.

So true, Thessa!

Although, in this case, getting married seems like a bad idea, I do get why people do it, being of male inclinations.

My male side has fallen in love before and wanted to marry to protect that person, get them insurance, have rights to get hotel rooms together, visit relatives together (but I didn't do it, thankfully).

My female side has allowed (but not wanted) marriage to gain access to the person's income and health insurance, gain protection, family approval and social status.
Being demisexual/asexual, I only married because my male side sees men as peers, and couldn't say no to a good friend, when asked repeatedly. 

Thank you all for the kind words and solid advice. I am meeting a therapist for the first time in about 2 weeks and I will be discussing this with him thoroughly and possibly see if he could do a session with both of us to talk about these feelings. Luckily she is becoming more open to me doing feminine things hopefully she will continue to improve and grow.

Just wanted to give a quick update, my fiance has made leaps and bounds in terms of acceptance.  Recently she has been helping me paint my nails, helping me with makeup, and generally being very supportive. She is also no longer asking me to stay off hormones in fact I have my first Endo appointment in less than a week. Things are looking up

Quote from: missmacyrose on May 13, 2017, 11:40:27 PM
Just wanted to give a quick update, my fiance has made leaps and bounds in terms of acceptance.  Recently she has been helping me paint my nails, helping me with makeup, and generally being very supportive. She is also no longer asking me to stay off hormones in fact I have my first Endo appointment in less than a week. Things are looking up

That's great! I'm happy for you! [emoji4]

Quote from: missmacyrose on May 13, 2017, 11:40:27 PM
Just wanted to give a quick update, my fiance has made leaps and bounds in terms of acceptance.  Recently she has been helping me paint my nails, helping me with makeup, and generally being very supportive. She is also no longer asking me to stay off hormones in fact I have my first Endo appointment in less than a week. Things are looking up

Well this certainly sounds more encouraging but, if you don't mind me asking, has her attitude towards you coming out to other people changed at all?

Not to burst your bubble, but I came out as TG MTF about a year ago. I have been married for 32 years. It was a big shock. She told me that she would never have dated me or anyone else if she knew the truth before hand. Why would she? She wanted a cis-gender man and was attracted to men, not women. But after it sunk in she became very accepting, which made me so happy. I was able to wear lingerie in front of her. She bought me some things. She didn't mind that I shaved off all my body hair. But as time went on, she realized that she wasn't attracted to me any more. She didn't want to be intimate with a woman. In fact, it got to the point that she told me that as far as she was concerned she no longer considered me a man. It was horrible that she went from totally accepting to having major issues with all of it. I realized that what seemed like her acceptance of it all was really denial.

I was hurt and felt that she was cruel for not honoring something that was vital to my mental health. I resented her until I realized that I am not the only one with feelings. Just as I am wired to want to be a woman she is wired to be attracted to men. The need to be with a man is vital to her mental health. How can I ask her to not be her true self if I want her to let me be my true self?

Finally, after many months of therapy and constantly telling myself that I was in a no win situation I came to a resolution. Many TG feel that in order to be happy they must transition ~ that they have no choice. Well, I wanted some control over my life and wanted to choose the way I wanted to live. I first realized how much I love my wife and how depressed I would be losing her. I envisioned myself all alone looking at myself in the mirror all dressed up like a woman. I also realized that I can never actually be a woman. I wouldn't ever consider SRS after reading about how it is done and the complications including loss of sexual sensation and ending up with a dry space for a vagina. So in order to stay with the love of my life, I decided that I could sacrifice my feelings and desires in order to honor hers. I would not transition. I can now accept my feelings mentally without having to see myself in a mirror as a woman.

My point is not that you may not be able to do this as well. Many TG transition and many don't. Everyone knows themselves and what they need. But, I would delay getting married until you can determine how your finance is wired so you don't find out later on that what seems like her acceptance is really just denial.

It's good that you are both young to make life-changing decisions. I need to tell you as a girl how sexual orientation is hard to change.
I'm lesbian and my girlfriend is MTF. I thought I might be bisexual when I'm was love with "him". Before I knew she wants to be a woman, I tried so hard to accept her male body. I imagined for many times how it would be to have sex with her like every heterosexual couple does, but all ending up with feeling hurt and abandoned, I could not move and I felt like I'm dead. Even though I know "he" is the love of my life, I cannot control my body.
Some straight girls told me that they really really like muscles and beard. Additionally, a straight female friend of mine, who knows I am attracted to women, was also critical when I told her I had a crush on "him". She said with obviously unhappy attitude, 'Why don't you like someone else. I don't like him. He is just like a woman.(This girl thought "he" looks very good at the beginning so I think she is commenting on his long hair and behavior)'. After that, she literally no longer asked me to hang out together. Maybe a real woman is better than a feminine man in their minds
My mom, she said she can accept my sexual orientation as long as I am happy, but she is always anticipating a day I can become "normal". Your fiance might have similar thoughts. If she is totally straight, a feminine you is certainly unattractive.

Quote from: missmacyrose on May 13, 2017, 11:40:27 PM
Just wanted to give a quick update, my fiance has made leaps and bounds in terms of acceptance.  Recently she has been helping me paint my nails, helping me with makeup, and generally being very supportive. She is also no longer asking me to stay off hormones in fact I have my first Endo appointment in less than a week. Things are looking up

You definitely did the right thing to talk to your fiancé before the act. You did even greater thing by not caving to her initial reaction and demands and standing for yourself. I was probably hard to do, and my first reaction was there's no chance in building a family with that woman, but you guys managed to work it together. I think ability for your wife to communicate with a specialist (or someone she trusts, despite her initial desire to keep things secret) was the key to her growing acceptance. Hiding secrets is a very heavy burden and it slowly suffocate communication between partners and the relationship itself.

I think it is essential to stick to "no secrets" policy and be open of who you are with your new in-laws and your friends. They may reject you, but you will know where they stand on the issue. On another hand, they won't feel cheated later on when your HRT fills up your body with new curves, and the fact that your wife married you knowing who you were and they knew it and had ability to express their objections and concerns before the deed was done, would tell them their daughter is 100% behind you. It would be a very solid foundation to start new family.

Good luck, keep us informed 

Not to be a Debbie Downer, I'll relate a little vignette from my life.

A long long time ago in a galaxy far far away called Hackensack (ack ack ) I came out to my g/f at the time over a few too many adult beverages and a round of "My deep dark secret is worse then yours". (Turned out she won). We continued dating, in time got engaged, she was supportive, even encouraging (to a point). Then wedding date pressures began to mount. Some 4 years later she bolted out of the blue. I had no warnings, no hints, just a feeling. About 5 years later I learned through a mutual friend "Why", I wasn't a real man

Chiming in here. Sounds like things have gotten better but be wary about getting married before things are fully resolved. If she still expects you to keep it a secret, there are tons of other trans women who can tell you that will only put things off. It starts as 'wait till we get married' then 'wait till we have kids' then 'wait till the kids grow up' etc.

Just be careful.