I've been coming out to my adult children, one at a time, this week. My daughter asked me a question tonight that I didn't have an answer to: she likes calling me daddy. What will she call me now? I told her I'd think about that and ask my forum. Any suggestions? What has worked for you?


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 Hi Mikaela

  I think it depends on your level of dysphoria with your old pronouns and names.

   For myself I see no reason for them to change what the are used to now as far as names go. I think I can handle Papa, uncle and dad/daddy. At least for now. I would prefer they speak about me to other using my new name and pronouns.

Of course I reserve a woman's right to change her mind...

  Hugs,
   Laurie

My wife is mommy, and I am mom.  It seems to work well for my 11yo son. 

Hi there!
My two boys (12 and 14) asked me the same question about 5 minutes after my coming out! lol I said I would like them to call me Sarah. Not "mom", because they have only one mom (my wife). Preferably not "dad", because a dad is by definition a male and I am not a male. Still, I told them I wouldn't mind if they accidentally used "dad", at least at the beginning (which did happen). It's about 3 months and now they call me Sarah about 95% of the time and when they say "dad" they quickly apologise and correct their mistake. I don't remember correcting them myself. I certainly don't regret being their dad, but I now prefer to think of myself as a parent or a progenitor. We still love each other, hug and talk warmly to each other. And anyways, they told me that they would find it awkward to call "dad" to a woman! They already use feminine pronouns when referring to me, even when I'm not present. Someone must come up with a name for what we've become... Map? Pam? lol
Big hug, Sarah

[edited for clarification]

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I am still Dad...my girls are in their early 20's and they know when we are out to use Liz... other wise Dad is fine...I can change many things about myself, but I will always be their father. Maybe one day they will change and call me something else however it is early days yet and nothing is set in concrete. Mom doesn't sit right with me...

I didn't feel right appropriating mom, either. My 32 year old son still calls me dad. He lives 400 miles away so mostly we use the phone and it doesn't matter much. In two weeks we're going out there for his graduation  and I'm fearful of him doing that in public. Too late to fix it in the short term, I guess.

I asked my two adult children if they ever feel,comfortable, that they could call me Kat or Kathryn.  But I don't feel right ever asking them to call me mom...because I was never their mother.  I don't regret being their father...and I'll always be their dad.  Regretting being dad means regretting being their father....and I don't. 

Quote from: kat69 on May 06, 2017, 09:54:48 AM
I asked my two adult children if they ever feel,comfortable, that they could call me Kat or Kathryn.  But I don't feel right ever asking them to call me mom...because I was never their mother.  I don't regret being their father...and I'll always be their dad.  Regretting being dad means regretting being their father....and I don't.

There seems to be a lot of backlash behind the use of "mom" rather than maintaining "dad".  My opinion is that it's purely a pronoun shift, no different than asking others to use she/her and your new female first name.   There's also an insinuation that it changes the relationship or it shows previous regret because a child simply uses "mom" now, or that a wife must have lost some sort of status because there's another "mom" around the house.  In my situation, that's just not the case and kind of ridiculous.  My relationship with my son is no different (other than improved) and my wife hasn't lost anything (other than the depressed/angry and frustrated parts of me)..... a mere pronoun shift isn't going to change any of that.  Also, having an appropriate pronoun doesn't equate to regret in being a father/dad to my son, it makes it the correct pronoun, that's it.  We love, support and learn with each other the same as always, but now they get the authentic and complete me, rather than the shell of a soul that used to be here.

Do your other family and friends get a pass because they are more comfortable using previous pronouns and name?  If so, my opinion is that it shows disrespect to you and lack of support.  If they use correct pronouns and name, do you think that shows regret to your relationship?  Of course not.

Quote from: staciM on May 06, 2017, 11:00:59 AM

There seems to be a lot of backlash behind the use of "mom" rather than maintaining "dad".  My opinion is that it's purely a pronoun shift, no different than asking others to use she/her and your new female first name.   There's also an insinuation that it changes the relationship or it shows previous regret because a child simply uses "mom" now, or that a wife must have lost some sort of status because there's another "mom" around the house.  In my situation, that's just not the case and kind of ridiculous.  My relationship with my son is no different (other than improved) and my wife hasn't lost anything (other than the depressed/angry and frustrated parts of me)..... a mere pronoun shift isn't going to change any of that.  Also, having an appropriate pronoun doesn't equate to regret in being a father/dad to my son, it makes it the correct pronoun, that's it.  We love, support and learn with each other the same as always, but now they get the authentic and complete me, rather than the shell of a soul that used to be here.

Do your other family and friends get a pass because they are more comfortable using previous pronouns and name?  If so, my opinion is that it shows disrespect to you and lack of support.  If they use correct pronouns and name, do you think that shows regret to your relationship?  Of course not.

[emoji651] This, totally.

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Lots of excellent posts. Does a resistance to calling me "mom" imply disrespect? I think it could, but I've been talking with my adult children, and they uniformly don't want to do that. Their mom and I were divorced 18 years ago, and for them to use that word simply has too much association to their mother. Even my most supportive, accepting of trans people daughter doesn't like it, at all. To be honest, I don't like the association of that woman I left behind so long ago. However, we have a 3 year old, and he doesn't have the slightest hesitation. When I'm dressed like mom, I'm mom. When I'm dressed like dad (rarely at home), I'm dad. He's very flexible and unbothered by it all. I've told my older kids to call me what they like. I suspect that they'll be more uncomfortable than I, calling me Dad when I look like a woman, so they may just start calling me by my name...

I had this chat with my kids and my instructions to them were simple.  In private you can still call me dad.  In public you can call me Alyssa.  Don't ever call me mom, mommy or mother.  Your mom earned that title carrying you for 9 months, giving birth to you, nursing you and raising you.  I will not take that moniker from her.  My kids were pretty happy with that plan.

For me it has nothing to do with regret.  However, I don't consider Mom simply a pronoun.  It's a title, a term of respect and it carries vastly more meaning than she/her pronouns.  Just ask any mother out there on Mother's day what the term mother means to them.  So for me, out of respect for my wife and the job she did I choose not to ask for that term to be applied to me.

Quote from: AlyssaJ on May 06, 2017, 11:39:08 PM
I had this chat with my kids and my instructions to them were simple.  In private you can still call me dad.  In public you can call me Alyssa.  Don't ever call me mom, mommy or mother.  Your mom earned that title carrying you for 9 months, giving birth to you, nursing you and raising you.  I will not take that moniker from her.  My kids were pretty happy with that plan.

For me it has nothing to do with regret.  However, I don't consider Mom simply a pronoun.  It's a title, a term of respect and it carries vastly more meaning than she/her pronouns.  Just ask any mother out there on Mother's day what the term mother means to them.  So for me, out of respect for my wife and the job she did I choose not to ask for that term to be applied to me.

This resonates with me...and I guess the reason I don't mind sharing the title "mom" with our 3 year old is that for him, I was the stay-at-home dad. I quit work and nurtured him through the first 2 years of his life while his mother worked, and now even though we work from home, I'm still a huge part of his daily care.

I think it depends on the age of the kids.  If young enough having two moms or mom and a mommy is no big deal.  Who knows how young "young enough" is.  My children are plenty grown (older than 27)  and I don't expect or really want them to call me mom.  I think I can live with dad from them to start with.  See how thing go as I move along. I've seen some combo terms used also, Maddy or Moppa are two.  I don't really care for those though, don't seem to fit my situation though something like that might be needed for my 10yo grandson.
Maybe I can be comfortable with Grandpa being short for a gender neutral Grandparent.

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Granny is a perfectly acceptable title for me, since I have 4 grandchildren.