Hey, I formerly posted under this account as a bigendered person, but I've been having some issues lately.

And I know by asking, I'm probably in denial, but I don't want to accept that just yet.

See, I was born a girl. As I've grown up, I've gotten huge tits that I'm proud of, because women would pay serious money to have them, and I love my body, my nice hair, pretty face... I love how I can be cute, and sexy, and all that awful stuff.

But I was never much into makeup. Or hair dye. I think I own foundation, at most, that I use on formal events.

But there's been times throughout my life when I know I didn't want to be female. I remember wanting to be like dad when I was 5, I was proud of my dark arm hair.

I played Furcadia when I was 12, 13, around a decade and a half ago, and played exclusively as a male character, even had a girlfriend, until one of my best "friends", in quotes, ratted my secret out to her.

Right now I started my second game in Animal Crossing: New Leaf. I'm a guy. Just that act alone, I'm loving it.

I've always wanted to bind, but I'm one of those plus size ladies. I'm not really fat, just endomorphic and six feet tall. And those boobs I love so much I hate with an ardent passion when I wish I could find a binder that fit. I have a 5x from gc2b, and it's just shy of fitting.

And I always have times, like tonight, where I want to break down crying, just up and tell my SO that I'm just straight up trans, and stop hanging on to this bi hook that he knows me as. It's just I love him, and we've been together for 13 years, we've lived together for the last three, but I know he doesn't swing that way. I mean, we'd still be best friends, but I'd lose him, and I've even asked him such. He said we'd def have to break up, though he'd still care for me and keep an eye out.

I also don't want to destroy his perception of me as sweet and cute.

Not to mention the teasing he'd get from his family, who was convinced for a while he was gay, and that I was his beard. It'd be bitterly ironic if he ended up being mine.

Right now this is a complex and long rant, I'm sorry, I'm just feeling it so hard tonight.

I have been asking myself questions like this for a few years. What helped me was asking myself if nobody else cared then would i choose to be a female. Or would being a female make me happy. Simple stuff like that opened my eyes a little. I cant remember what post it was on this site but I saw sombody say somthing along the lines of "I wish I could be a girl, to bad im not trans." I think alot of anxiety comes from what others might think. After I came out to my family and I found out they didint care it made me realise its what I want and I was feeling presure to be a man when i didint want to. In the end its up to you. What would make you happy?

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How does anyone know anything?  I can tell you how I knew (MTF) and maybe it will help. 

CIS gendered people never think about their gender.  In fact when I bring it up to people the thought is totally foreign to them.  It's not on their radar at all.

Now you, you think about it ## times per minute/hour/day/week/year.  For me it got to the point of not being able to thing of anything else.  My life was starting to suffer.

That's when I sought out profession help.  Four months later I started hormones.  Two months after that I stopped (social reasons, bad idea.)  I became an enraged idiot.  I was angry at the smallest thing.  That's​ when I went back on the hormones and haven't looked back.

As for what you described as a dream body, I'm totally jealous!  Yes I'm about to spend $$$ to get those boobs you want to get rid of.

-Denise

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Quote from: Erica b on May 15, 2017, 05:57:31 AM
I have been asking myself questions like this for a few years. ...

That's the bit I'm in denial about.  I know I'd want a guy's body, and there are days when I'm fine and dandy in the one I'm in now, but I know that there's a part of me screaming that "this isn't my beautiful house!"

I guess it's just telling SO.  It's just... it's hard, you know?  He's helped me through a lot of stuff, and I'd love the guy no matter what, but it's heartbreaking knowing that I might have to let that go.  I'm def bi sexually and romantically, not so much him.

Quote from: Denise on May 15, 2017, 06:06:13 AM
How does anyone know anything?  I can tell you how I knew (MTF) and maybe it will help.  ...

The funny thing is my SO brought it up one night, a year, year and a half back, that I might be bigender.  He noticed I have days where I'm more female, and then days where I'd be far more masculine.  I'd been suppressing it up to that point because, you know, that Furcadia thing, as embarrassing at that was.  SO also has a gay cousin, and his family is very open and loving, so I just think he was exposed and it clicked.

Thing is, I don't think the bigender thing is the case.  There are, again, times when I'm fine with what I am, but there are others, like tonight, where I so deeply badly want to have a guy's body.  That's what's making it confusing.

Sidenote: Too bad boob transplants aren't a thing.  I'd so give mine to you.

Thanks, I'd take them.

Cautionary tale.  For me, it was the same as you.  One day I wouldn't want to do the male crap and be Denise while others it was okay.

That was fine until it was every minute of every day.  It took about a month from being tolerable to that's all I think about.

If others are noticing it then they are very astute and accepting.  Keep them close by.  It's helpful to have a hand to hold.

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I get by most days also. Its only certain times when I obsess over this or cant sleep at night. Ive gone on like that for a long time knowing that there was an issue. I finally decided I dont want to live like that anymore. I have also tried to stop for a long time. For me I know I cant change how I feel. I dont think you have to constantly feel dysphoric for it to have a significant impact on your quality of life. Agein its up to you but I feel like i can relate alot to what your saying and I felt better when I talked to sombody about what I wanted to do.

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Azeri, i would love to PM but i do not have permission to because i am new to this site

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You know that you are in denial when you keep denying your inner self. When you cannot stop thinking about it and the thought of transition somehow seems appealing but for many reasons, you do not want to go there. That was me for about 50 years.

If there are times when you feel one way and at other times you feel different, that seems to be a more gender fluid situation. Or maybe you are just a normal Tomboy!  There are many women who do not find to the Hollywood image of women to be very appealing and really prefer to be more natural in presentation.

QuoteI can be cute, and sexy, and all that awful stuff.

And those boobs I love so much I hate with an ardent passion...

I didn't want to be female

I'm a guy

I'm loving it.

Sometimes it's fun to take the Freudian slips out of context. 😜

This is how I figured it out for real, I couldn't talk about it without slipping thoughts from my inner self in there at all, every time I'd think, well that looks too stereotypically trans, and start backspacing, then I'd be like, well, what did I just write, really...

Well, a combination of that and soul searching where I envisioned myself as the other gender in various real life situations, what would be the same, what would be different... Shut down my filters when I could to see how I really wanted to act, etc.

Something you might look into is bigender/gender fluid. People who ID with this have a gender identity that flips from one gender to another. It's not real common and as such not all gender therapist are aware of the condition. Sometimes cross sex hormones can control the switching but even less is known about that. You can look at our WIKI and see if the description fits. If so, you might want to look at the following two links to see if the feelings are similar.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,202966.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,201219.0.html

Yeah, I like being sort of cute and I used to have some sort of pride in the fact that my boobs were bigger than some other girls like I was winning in being female despite the fact they saw me as some sort of freak for being boyish. Like I was one-upping them. There have been times in my life when I really wanted to be a boy, when I was little, when I was about 13 (but only if I got to try being a girl as well), and also 17 a bit. Generally I'm not too bothered by gender, but when I do think about it I want it to be on the masculine end, and when I'm in a bad mood I have recently just started attributing it to transness when in reality it probably has nothing to do with that.

I don't really see myself transitioning but sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I could just BE male. Or if I happened to be more adrogynous. Its all very confusing to me and I doubt I can really resolve it. Usually I try to take comfort in the fluidity of butch gender expression and identity and just allow myself to be labelled as that. Tbh I had a dream once about my boobs pretty much dissapearing overnight and although it was enjoyable and I preferred how it looked that way I couldn't help but be really freaked out about the sudden loss of a body part, so surgery probably wouldn't help me. Generally, I get that "I wish I was a boy, too bad I'm not trans" thing that Erica B mentioned.

I know it's so hard to transition with the prospective of losing your loved one, trust me I have been there, but I will say this right now: even the most spectacular and strong relationship will have a hard time suppressing your gender dysphoria.

If the discomfort isn't going away you need to do what's right for you in the long term.

Much love <3

I spent years going back on for over the "Am I trans? question. At the end of the day, what really shattered my false reality wasn't the questioning, curiosity, denial, or any of that, it was reframing the question. The second it was suggested to me that I stop asking myself if I'm trans and started asking whether or not I was cis, the answer became hauntingly clear. It was so much easier to assess what I was going through and who I was through those different lenses. Suddenly, I arrived at the conclusion that I'm not cis-gender. It wasn't much of a leap for me to figure out what I was after that. It was hard coming to terms with, to be sure, but all of the challenges I've faced since then have been more desirable than being stuck where I was.

One thing that became clear to me was that the repeated questioning was itself a symptom of denial.

I compared the question "Am I trans?" with the question "Am I gay?" both of which I have asked myself in my past.  To the question "Am I gay?" the answer was a simple no.  The question never came again because that was the right answer.  But the question "Am I trans?" kept coming up over and over again, even though I answered no every time.  That's because I kept getting the answer wrong.

And now that I have answered yes, I can set the question aside.  I have finally answered correctly, and it doesn't come up again.  The repeated questioning was a clue that I was in denial all that time.