Quote from: Balerie on May 11, 2017, 08:32:55 PM

As I was leaving the office, I was somewhat hesitant to walk out and find the next person waiting there but they were running late so I was relieved and somewhat disappointed that I had no audience for my exit. I'm getting silly I guess.

You want an audience?  I went to my session on Tuesday at the VA en femme for the first time.... The lobby was PACKED as I went up to the window to check in for my appointment then waited for my therapist to fetch me. It was still packed when I came out. *sigh*  I did survive the gauntlet though. I even had to answer a couple of questions from people waiting or getting coffee.

  No not what I would want, you can have it.

Laurie

Well Laurie, now that you put it that way, it is a scary situation the first few times. My audience was going to be just one person waiting to see my therapist. All in all, it was going to be a matter of passing muster for a few seconds. I was more terrified with being spotted in my car since my foundation did not cover my beard shadow on my upper lip. However, I convinced myself that just as I was not able to clearly see every other driver in their vehicles, it was way more difficult to spot beard shadow unless I had a full on beard. That being said, I don't worry much about people I don't know trying to figure me out or wondering if I'm a guy. I worry about my safety from strangers and bigots because unfortunately Texas can be a scary place. In my view Texas is God, Guns, and Country here. No offense to anyone but that's what seems to be the culture here.

Oh, dear.   I was living under The Rules a year ago.  It wasn't easy.  In fact, it wound up diving me into dysphoria and back into depression.

How I was living a year ago...

I wound up in a state where I would get home, change into him, and curl up on my office sofa for a half hour crying in pain and depression.  Not Fun.

Communication and compromise are key.  Obedience and surrender, what I was really doing, didn't work out at all well.  I've been on my own and full time since Oct 22.  The divorce is final next month.

Latest update: My wife was very short on speaking to me but on Saturday night we spoke and I told her that I was not ready to be out yet and I had decided an hour prior to my therapist appointment about heading out dressed. She told me that if I would have asked her she would have been ok with it. I told her I would make an effort to communicate with her more.

To be honest, I'm not sure she would have agreed with my trip outside the house. She said that we were supposed to experience that together but who knows when if ever that will happen. She also said she feels she's losing a husband and my mother is gaining a daughter. At least we're back to talking as before. Only time will tell how long it lasts.

I don't know why I'm explaining myself to her except that I'm trying to salvage our relationship. I'm not going to compromise on my life decisions/transition, but I can try to make it amicable.

Michelle, that is truly a living hell. I'm at the point where rules and regulations no longer matter. I don't want to go back to when I used to languish in depression. It's not worth it. I hope my marriage survives but I can see that it's headed towards divorce.


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Balerie
   I am glad to hear your resolve to stay away from depression. Is there a middle ground of heading toward what you need and also allowing her to adjust if she can? I can understand her thoughts of losing her husband. That is kind of natural. The thing is can she migrate from there to appreciate the new wonderful things the real you has to offer. She is gaining a happier partner. As an outsider, I guess I wonder if she is capable of adjusting to what you must do. Her restrictive attitude seems to caused you to be resentful. (I would be) I am not sure if you are thinking that hope of it working has faded past the tipping point.
Moni

I think many know that awful dilemma.
Breaking the heart of the woman you love, or denying the woman you are.

I thibk the only thing harder than being trans is being the partner of someone who comes out as trans.

I hope you both find a way forward.

Quote from: Balerie on May 15, 2017, 08:16:46 PM
Latest update: My wife was very short on speaking to me but on Saturday night we spoke and I told her that I was not ready to be out yet and I had decided an hour prior to my therapist appointment about heading out dressed. She told me that if I would have asked her she would have been ok with it. I told her I would make an effort to communicate with her more.

To be honest, I'm not sure she would have agreed with my trip outside the house. She said that we were supposed to experience that together but who knows when if ever that will happen. She also said she feels she's losing a husband and my mother is gaining a daughter. At least we're back to talking as before. Only time will tell how long it lasts.

I don't know why I'm explaining myself to her except that I'm trying to salvage our relationship. I'm not going to compromise on my life decisions/transition, but I can try to make it amicable.

Michelle, that is truly a living hell. I'm at the point where rules and regulations no longer matter. I don't want to go back to when I used to languish in depression. It's not worth it. I hope my marriage survives but I can see that it's headed towards divorce.


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It's tough, but you seem clear on your path. So important to stay amicable and I think your wife
seems like she is also being very brave. Best of luck for you both.

You should be so proud of yourself Balerie. I remember the first time I was caught out dressed as Raine. I was going to a gender clinic appointment and realized halfway there that I needed petrol. I had to to pull over at a busy service station and pump fuel in heels. It was traumatic, liberating, and anti-climactic if I'm honest!

It's really good for you to communicate with your wife. Give your relationship the best chance it has.

Much love. <3

Quote from: Balerie on May 11, 2017, 04:11:56 PM
Today I had an appointment with my therapist [...] Baby steps.

Speaking about your makeup, if you did the one you are wearing in your avatar pic you have to be way more confident of your skills. You're doing *really* well  

Thanks everyone. It seems the storm has passed for now. Things are back to normal between us. I'm just hesitant to make long term plans, like vacations for example, in case things get crazy as time moves on. I'm one month in with more changes than I expected would happen so far and I'm extremely happy with them all. It just gets me thinking of what other changes will come and how that will affect our relationship and or my appearance. So I'm just taking it all day by day.

Quote from: Wednesday on May 17, 2017, 01:38:22 PM
Speaking about your makeup, if you did the one you are wearing in your avatar pic you have to be way more confident of your skills. You're doing *really* well

Thank you so much.

If I was looking like that, no one would have recognized me. I wish I had the skills to pull that off on my own. It was early afternoon and I just dabbed a bit of foundation and eyeliner and I was afraid I'd look like a ghost because I didn't wear any blush nor do I know how to apply it properly but it worked out in the end. Part of the skills I need to acquire as enter my womanhood. This was my look that day https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,208474.msg1979580.html#msg1979580

Not a bad look at all!

Take it easy. Mastering makeup takes a fair amount of time and effort!