As per thread title. There's no point going on any more. I've deleted my "female" online presence. This is the last account I have, and I'm going to bin this too as I just don't feel that anything will ever change. I seem to have driven everyone away, fed up of hearing comments like "cheer up", "be positive", "poo or get off the pot". Everything I try seems to fail miserably. I have managed to drive everyone away on every forum I've ever been on, on Facebook, and in real life.

Thanks to those who did try to help, I feel now that I'm beyond help so just going to give up any thoughts of femininity and go back to what I know, after all I've been living as male for 52 years and it's probably too late to change.

Bye.

If you mean you are stopping the transition process, most people who transition do it because they have no choice. Nobody really wants to go through the misery, expense, and rejection likely to be encountered, but they can't live out of sync with their internal gender anymore.

Hey hun, I promise not give you the 'be positive'  pep-talk,  but I would ask you to pause and and give it time. Many here including myself have been through some big ups and downs.
I'm not sure where you are,  but you can PM me if you want to talk. X

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I've done nothing but give it thought for months. My previous posts will reveal much. I'm fed up of going round in circles, fed up of feeling worthless and inadequate, fed up of what laughingly passes for a life.

Sweetie, I'm not going to sugar coat this.

The negativity you're feeling is the result of an abusive relationship. You are being abused. Abusers, like bullies choose those who typically have been abused/bullied before as partners, and exploit the lack of self esteem of their victims, to continue with their behaviour.

You know, I've never heard a young girl criticised for her make-up when she's trying to learn, so why place the expectation on ourselves of perfection, or bust.? These are skills, life skills, and they take time to master, and then more time to perfect, so all our early efforts aren't great - on the outside. On the inside, however, such a simple task brings joy, that we can even attempt to be more of ourself.

In the same way, the remaining family that you helped would be trying to tell you just how needed your care was, with their loved one. They would probably thank you all for your care, diligence and professionalism if they could, but rest assured, you all will be remembered by them.

And here we are, telling you that we care for you. Yes we may be a fluorescing electron, flickering in a pattern that your mind can translate to meaning, but behind those electrons are real folk, just like you - we know the challenges, we know it's not easy, and we know the void inside, and I will repeat again that you do matter, to us.

(Hugs)


Rowan

Thanks for your kind words. Unfortunately many others don't share your compassion. I feel very left out, I can't talk about makeup or hormones or clothes or anything feminine, I can't talk about transition, I can't give any advice, I just feel as though I constantly take rather than giving back. Every time I start to get close to anyone something goes wrong an I end up pushing them away somehow which just gets me down even more. It's just easier to put the "female side" away, she barely exists now anyway. I've managed this long somehow, I'll carry on managing.

Have you found any local support groups where you can talk openly about these things? It makes all the difference.

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Downwardspiral  I know exactly how you feel I,m already at the " what's the point" stage I,ve lost everything & one to this cancer call gender dysphoria it destroy lives if your strong enough you can see it through but some escape the net😞

Quote from: coldHeart on May 16, 2017, 11:55:52 AM
Downwardspiral  I know exactly how you feel I,m already at the " what's the point" stage I,ve lost everything & one to this cancer call gender dysphoria it destroy lives if your strong enough you can see it through but some escape the net😞

cH,

I thought your wife came around a little after your last confrontation. Did that olive branch fade?



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I would advise against deleting your account there. This site exists for people who have nothing to give and are on their last leg looking for a solution. We expect new members to give back little or nothing while requiring a large amount of help. Once you gain some control over your life, you are free to contribute what you are comfortable with. It may be a little help or a kind word but it't not a requirement.

I appear to be one of the exceptions to the rule but I am not. At one point, I didn't have a clue how to transition and I didn't know the first thing about transitioning. I was fortunate to find a therapy group that made my transition possible. I am here to help people exactly like you who need that little push to  get started. I am not the only one doing this as the site is filled with people willing to share what they have recently learned. Everybody has to start somewhere so the question is what do you need that we can help you with?

It would be interesting if there was a mentorship program for transition. I wonder if that would be beneficial for anyone or if people would be too embarassed to seek that kind of guidance?

Sorry I was just thinking out loud.



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Quote from: DownwardSpiral on May 16, 2017, 08:42:20 AM
Thanks for your kind words. Unfortunately many others don't share your compassion. I feel very left out, I can't talk about makeup or hormones or clothes or anything feminine, I can't talk about transition, I can't give any advice, I just feel as though I constantly take rather than giving back. Every time I start to get close to anyone something goes wrong an I end up pushing them away somehow which just gets me down even more. It's just easier to put the "female side" away, she barely exists now anyway. I've managed this long somehow, I'll carry on managing.

Just glad you say you will carry on. Everyone on this forum is here to support you. Please stay involved and ask us if there is anything we can do to help you. I'm not sure how you feel left out? You can talk about anything here.

I hope you feel better.  I know what it is like to feel like totally giving up, feeling alone, feeling inadequate, and feeling like you will never be happy.  I still go through those episodes myself so I can relate. 

There are a couple of support groups within a 40 minute drive of my home. Unfortunately my wife makes it nigh on impossible for me to get out. I haven't been out socially for a year, even then it involved deception, if I go out alone I'm inevitably greeted with accusations and/or the silent treatment. It's just simpler not to bother.

As regards my feelings of inadequacy and isolation... I've been on here before, tried to join in and contribute, but eventually people just seem to drift away, the support and help peters out, and I find myself back to square one. Frequently comments like "you don't want to be helped" are thrown at me. But for someone like me, who has spent a good deal of their life being crushed, starting with my parents, I just don't know how to kick back, how to love myself. And I usually end up with the distinct feeling that I'm wasting everyone's time.

By definition, you can't waste our time, we're here because we want to be, and you're posting because you do want help. Unfortunately at this stage the only help there is to give (in text form at least) is the difficult variety. You may have to tell your wife. Solid relationships are built on trust, and it's very difficult to trust someone when you can tell they're hiding something. I'm not going to lie and say it'll go well, it may go spectacularly wrong, but at the end of the day, you'll be able to leave the house to go to support groups, and in the ideal (although less likely) case, she might even go with you to show her support, and gain a better understanding of trans issues at the same time.

After going back and reading all of your posts it looks like at some point you did. Still, it might be beneficial to include her more since a breakup is off the table, at least then she can't say you're cheating if she knows everything.

I did tell my wife, 2 years ago now. It did go spectacularly wrong. It was made abundantly clear that she thought I was a pervert, that I was a liar, and that I should never speak of it again. Except of course when she wants a stick to beat me with. I was accused of deliberately setting out to hurt her. In short, I was made to feel lower than pond scum. I tried to tell her how I felt, how this condition slowly eats away at you from the inside, how some days all I want to do is go down and jump off a motorway bridge. But, well, you can't force someone to listen or understand. I gradually scaled down my online presence, people promised to keep in touch but never did, people who had been supportive previously drifted away. Me, I just carried on, outwardly carrying on as before, but every day this thing, this dysphoria, ate away a little bit at me inside. She never trusted me before that episode, even less so afterwards. I don't do anything for myself. Everything I do in one way or another is for others. I feel increasingly that must be my lot in life, to be the doormat, because nothing  I do ever seems to alter anything. And people just think I'm stupid, a wimp, a coward.

I think you got really serious issues besides your dysphoria that need to be addressed first.

Have you seen a therapist? Have you talked to a therapist about your wife and your relationship?

I dont want to sound rude, but you seem to be in a very toxic environment and fixing it or getting rid of it seems very neccessary.

Let's look at some patterns here.  1. She won't support you.  That was shown definitively to you before. 2.  If you go out she will be accusative.  That happens even if you go out for trivial reasons.  3.  She berates you and tries to make you feel like crap.  None of these patterns is healthy.  You will not receive one iota of help or support from her.  If you continue down this path you will remain miserable until you eventually succumb to despair and do something tragic.  Regardless of gender issues, you need to get out.  It will likely be a terrible occurrence. In the long run it is for the best.

You are the only one who can help you.  Unfortunately,you have been completely conditioned to be incapable of doing so.  However, the fact that you are still here and talking with us means you haven't given up.  Even if you don't believe it, I care about you and want to see you escape the suffering.  I recommend you go to one of those support group meetings.  She will be cross with you, but that is honestly unavoidable.

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Quote from: Wednesday on May 18, 2017, 04:51:35 AM
I think you got really serious issues besides your dysphoria that need to be addressed first.

Have you seen a therapist? Have you talked to a therapist about your wife and your relationship?

I dont want to sound rude, but you seem to be in a very toxic environment and fixing it or getting rid of it seems very neccessary.

I saw 2 therapists. The first just obsessed over form filling and diagnosed low self esteem, referred me to a self help group, I missed the first session due to work commitments and they discharged me. The second started off ok but after a while it just seemed like rehashing the same stuff all over again, she decided that I wasn't trans, I just wanted to be my sister, my Eureka moment came one day when I turned up and she had a brand new car in the drive... Obviously she had benefitted more from the sessions than I had. A couple of weeks later I cancelled a session after being involved in a road accident and her reaction was to accuse me of making excuses, of not wanting to get better...

Quote from: amberwaves on May 18, 2017, 06:29:33 AM
Let's look at some patterns here.  1. She won't support you.  That was shown definitively to you before. 2.  If you go out she will be accusative.  That happens even if you go out for trivial reasons.  3.  She berates you and tries to make you feel like crap.  None of these patterns is healthy.  You will not receive one iota of help or support from her.  If you continue down this path you will remain miserable until you eventually succumb to despair and do something tragic.  Regardless of gender issues, you need to get out.  It will likely be a terrible occurrence. In the long run it is for the best.

You are the only one who can help you.  Unfortunately,you have been completely conditioned to be incapable of doing so.  However, the fact that you are still here and talking with us means you haven't given up.  Even if you don't believe it, I care about you and want to see you escape the suffering.  I recommend you go to one of those support group meetings.  She will be cross with you, but that is honestly unavoidable.

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I just know the same thing will happen again... Everyone will be pleasant at first, then something will trigger a depressive episode and it'll drive everyone away, just as has been happening all my adult life... Just feel that people hate me