I purchased and sent these two books to my parents while recovering from GRS:

True Selves
http://www.amazon.com/True-Selves-Understanding-Transsexualism-Professionals/dp/0787902713

Trans Forming Families: Real Stories About Transgendered Loved Ones, 2nd Edition
http://www.amazon.com/Trans-Forming-Families-Stories-Transgendered/dp/0615123074/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1202220485&sr=1-3

It was easier than talking to them.  They seemed to like the books.  They thanked me enough for sending them.

I started my transition over twenty years ago.  My parents have come a long way, love me, and we get along famously.  But they have never fully adjusted to using the correct pronouns and using my legal name in family circles.  I don't think that they ever will.

There is nothing that I can do about it.  I asked them years ago to respect me by referring to me as "she" and using my legal name.  That's all I can do about it.

We are separated by a long distance which doesn't help.  When we are together in public, they never cease to amaze me by calling me or using "him" or "his" every once in a while. 

Fortunately, now, they are grey haired and obviously controlled by the affects of old age.  No one gives it a second thought... for they must have Alzheimer's

I love them so much. We've managed to survive it all.

Cindi

Tell Your Folks to get their acts together; nicely at first. That is a small favor that you are asking of them.
I say, don;t ever be afraid to let your folks know you're PO'd at them if ya use a little bit of tact.

That's too bad, cuz it really is pretty easy to do - the pronouns and all.
I'm finding it mostly easy to use; he, him, his, 'Andy' and be comfy with 'em.
It felt fine to call him son. I thougth it would be weird, but it wasn't.
It does sound a little different when I hear his mom say it, but still okay.

I guess that I dunno how best yet to refer to past yrs, like when he was 10. Was he SHE then? Heck, I think she was.....
But those goofs don;t seem like they will matter too much. We'll get thru the tricky stuff   

What really helped was hanging with him for 3 hrs on Sunday and he was just so at peace with it all.
You could tell that he had turned a corner & he gave me confidence with his budding poise as a young man.

To sum it up: He is the same person that SHE always was but happier now. The same snotty kid, that sure hasn't changed.
He can really eat now tho.

Thanks for the book ideas.....

Yes, it has been quick - there has been great progress.
I guess that he just needed to hear what we had to say.
And once we knew what was going on, the words just came very easy.

He's gonna be a good-lookin' guy too and he's already on his way.  I really got a kick outta the 'Why do trans-men rock?' thread. 

There is true excitement in both myself and his mom,,,,,,,this kid is going to be happy.
We can all feel it.

And I wish the same for all of you.

Clueless

That last post, Clue. It should more than give you a clue about why you are 'deserving.' Read it.

N~

Quote from: Cindi Jones on February 05, 2008, 06:44:32 PM
Fortunately, now, they are grey haired and obviously controlled by the affects of old age.  No one gives it a second thought... for they must have Alzheimer's

It's kinda nice when they get old and grey. I've told my mum not to worry if she screws up. I'll just tell people she's off her meds. That keeps her in line 

Dennis

Quote from: Dennis on February 06, 2008, 01:33:36 PM

It's kinda nice when they get old and grey. I've told my mum not to worry if she screws up. I'll just tell people she's off her meds. That keeps her in line 

Dennis

I've told my parents that if they screw up in public, it will be they who will be embarrassed, for I sure won't.   They have a unique problem in that around the other family members refuse to acknowledge me and that is the language that is used in those circles.  It would be swell if mom and dad would stand up for me in those situations, but they are very non confrontational and don't want to get anyone upset.  If I lived nearby and had constant interaction, I'm sure that the situation would be resolved in a few short months.  But that will never be.  I am not moving back to Utah!

Cindi

Quote from: cluelessparent on February 03, 2008, 09:25:56 PM
Well, we all did meet today and it went very, very well.
PHEW
Everybody is happy with everybody, and even we parents are happy with his decision. We're excited for him.
His head seems to be on very straight, very well informed & aware and just plain ready to act. He's happy.
And the little schitt even has a cute girlfriend! And she is very involved with his regime.


So, it went very well.
And I even made it home in time for the kickoff.......

Nichole, I wished you well today as we cruised by L. George. (You can see glimpses of it from the highway and it looked nice in the bright winter sun)  I hope ya felt some good vibes come "from outta nowhere" today around 8:30 & 4'ish...........


Thanks all  btw- I am still reading & learning thruout the site. You folks are good to each other, I tip my hat to y'all

Clueless

Our world would be the greatest world imaginable if there were more people like you in it.


Best wishes for all,


Rebis

O, Rebis, that was so sweet. and true.

Hugs,

Nichole

Posted on: February 06, 2008, 10:56:08 PM

---

Quote from: Cindi Jones on February 06, 2008, 07:50:03 PM
If I lived nearby and had constant interaction, I'm sure that the situation would be resolved in a few short months.  But that will never be.  I am not moving back to Utah!

Cindi

I am thinking that you are underestimating your own abilities, Cindi. A few short weeks or days might be more like it! 

N~

Thank you Rebis.
That was nice.

I just try to be good to people
Sometimes they notice

I'm pleased that you did.
Be well.

Clueless, but working on it.

Its good when parrents can except the situation that they may not agree with  but I see that as a big step on their part  in my case My parrents had nothing to do with me sence I was 18 in fact my whole famely outed me  Im now 54   and my sister (wife)  are moving her parrents to live with us because were they live they can not afford to live   her mom and dad have excepted me for the road I have been traveling and expecialy her mom and I have had several talks over the phone  and she wants to be suportive   she knows that we are nothing more than sisters now  and she respects that   I could have only wished that my parrents could have done the same  but as mom said I have them and any time I need a mother daughter time or talk they would be there for me  so I guess all things come to a ending in good time
Kristin

i wish my dad was like you clueless.  maybe he is, and he just hasn't shown it yet.

Quote from: J.T. on February 07, 2008, 08:11:14 PM
i wish my dad was like you clueless.  maybe he is, and he just hasn't shown it yet.

JT - thank you
Make sure to tell him how important it is to you and remind him how important YOU are to HIM.
EVERY PARENT wants their child to be happy.
Toss him a crumb, tell him ya love him.  Me? I just melt when I hear that word.........

Consider that most of us parents spent about 1,000 more hrs learning algebra than we did about parenting.
And it;s a tuff friggan' job. And we make mistakes; overreacting, underreacting, waiting & seeing.
Off balance at times, oftentimes.
Make mistakes? Gawd yes.

But that was me - Clueless

Dear Clueless,

You're a special guy. Your son is lucky to have you as his dad.

So, for being humble enough to admit you didn't understand it, for being brave enough to ask for help, and for being gracious enough to accept that help. Thanks.

Rep increased. Only my second nomination. 

Rep increased again. 

I wish my dad was more "clueless." This thread makes me teary. Maybe it's because I can't get my dad to call me "Andy."

You're a great parent!

Wow.
2 more thank you's - humble thank you's
I had feared when I first posted that I would possibly be run outta this town.
Especially when I wrote "I am a parent and completely straight" I could just hear the booing in the background as you folks read!
I am pleased that I was wrong, even tho I suspect that many replies have been for the benefit of my son as much as for me.
And I'm okay with that.

Andrew: ya know, I just keep hearing the same darn song: We parents are just not getting the message.  I don't know what that is a shortcoming of; is it our own ability to open our minds, your failure to express yourselves, fear of our own friends' reactions?  I refuse to believe that the majority just do not care.

Andrew: if you are interested, I would like to try and help some.  If you like, I will send you a PM with the intention that you would show it to your dad. I will talk to him, hombre to hombre, and I will try to make him understand something - just one parent speaking to another. I'll write it, you decide if it's worthy.

You decide, and let me know.  I am going hiking in a few mins and I'll work on what I want to say to your dad while in the woods.
No hard feelings if there is no interest on your part.

You may ask why I would attempt this. The answer is easy: I am going to do my part in my own little corner of the world to raise awareness, to make people understand, to improve the life of my own son.  He's part of your world now, you are his friends.
And I want his world to be a good one.


Off to play in the mountains now, wooHOO !!!

Clueless

Quote from: cluelessparent on January 29, 2008, 02:55:54 PM

genovais / Lia - you (or your av) look SO MUCH like my own little Amy that it startled me!

Clueless in NY

Dear Clueless,
reading this above I can sense a lot of sadness. So for what it is worth here is my little grain of salt.

You say you have a problem with the name and pronoun... Have you ever considered that you can try as hard as you can you might not be able to manage to accept HIM until you've managed to let HER go?
Yes it is plainly obvious that you loved and still love your little Amy so much and miss her.  These feelings might need to be aknowledged, respected and recognised as normal and also to be dealt with.  If not there is a strong possibility that they will eventually get in the way.

May be one of the first thing that you might need and have to do is to accept and be ready to mourn her loss. Together with your wife and maybe even his sister with each other support you can still celebrate and hold the fond memories but eventually you might have to give up and forget all the hopes and plans you had for her. Having done this  then you'll hopefully be able to let her go for good and move on.
I sincerely believe that once you'll done that, as painful as it can be, then you will be ready not only to accept but also truely welcome HIM without any regrets.

Does it make sense that once you have FULLY GRIEVED FOR YOUR LOST DAUGHTER then you'll be totally free and delighted to not only accept but also genuinely WELCOME YOUR NEW-FOUND SON as a gift and an exciting opportunity in your life as a deeply caring and loving parent?

Of course it is not going to be easy, but, from what I have read here so far, you are a loving and courageous person, ready to challenge yourself in order to do the right thing for the ones you love.

Go n-éirí do bhóthar leat
Good luck on your journey.

Light, Love & Respect.

Maebh

PS. I wish Andy knows how lucky he is to have a father like you. You can be proud for he has in you a great role model of a man.

Maebh

Hi Clueless,

I just read this entire thread and would like to say that any trans kid would be happy to have you for a dad. You rock! BTW, I think you'll need to change your screen name... you sure aren't clueless! 

y2g

Good idea Lady Amarant,

QuoteRep increased. Only my second nomination.

I just increased his reputation too and this is my first one!

Quote from: Maebh on February 10, 2008, 09:22:21 AM

Quote from: cluelessparent on January 29, 2008, 02:55:54 PM

genovais / Lia - you (or your av) look SO MUCH like my own little Amy that it startled me!

Clueless in NY

Dear Clueless,
reading this above I can sense a lot of sadness. So for what it is worth here is my little grain of salt.

You say you have a problem with the name and pronoun... Have you ever considered that you can try as hard as you can you might not be able to manage to accept HIM until you've managed to let HER go?
Yes it is plainly obvious that you loved and still love your little Amy so much and miss her.  These feelings might need to be aknowledged, respected and recognised as normal and also to be dealt with.  If not there is a strong possibility that they will eventually get in the way.

May be one of the first thing that you might need and have to do is to accept and be ready to mourn her loss. Together with your wife and maybe even his sister with each other support you can still celebrate and hold the fond memories but eventually you might have to give up and forget all the hopes and plans you had for her. Having done this  then you'll hopefully be able to let her go for good and move on.
I sincerely believe that once you'll done that, as painful as it can be, then you will be ready not only to accept but also truely welcome HIM without any regrets.

Does it make sense that once you have FULLY GRIEVED FOR YOUR LOST DAUGHTER then you'll be totally free and delighted to not only accept but also genuinely WELCOME YOUR NEW-FOUND SON as a gift and an exciting opportunity in your life as a deeply caring and loving parent?

Of course it is not going to be easy, but, from what I have read here so far, you are a loving and courageous person, ready to challenge yourself in order to do the right thing for the ones you love.

Go n-éirí do bhóthar leat
Good luck on your journey.

Light, Love & Respect.

Maebh

PS. I wish Andy knows how lucky he is to have a father like you. You can be proud for he has in you a great role model of a man.

Maebh

Hello Maebh,
Thanks very much for responding.

You make a good point and my daughter is actually the one who struggled with this.(or likely is still struggling)
She is unhappy about losing a sister and your message rings true with the way that she is feeling.

As far my wife and myself - this hasn't been much of an issue.  It's actually rather easy to accept that 'she' is gone because 'she' was very unhappy while 'he' seems much more at peace & confident with his new life.

I can honestly say that I went from shock & disbelief to understanding & acceptance in about 90 minutes.
After I recovered enuff to start breathing again, well all of the pieces seemed to fall into place rather quickly.

But your words do ring true for my daughter, who is still missing her sister.  I suppose that I should address this fairly soon.

Thanks for the advice and also for the good words.
They're appreciated.

Clueless

Thank you, saraswatidevi & y2gender
Wishing you well.......