I have been putting off telling my father for a long time.  The general consensus was that he would not take it well.  To throw a wrench in the works, he is my neighbor. I have been on hrt for 9 months now and have pretty much achieved male fail. We all just assumed he figured it out already and just was avoiding the subject.

I came home from an appointment and I was definitely in girl mode with makeup and everything.  He was waiting for me in the yard to give me a movie I wanted to borrow.  I sighed and figured I might as well get it over with.  I said, "Dad I have something important to tell you.  I'm transgender". He just smirked and had a quick silent chuckle. "Ok".  "I've been transitioning and on hormones for 9 months now". "Well I guess that's the way things are".  "Ok, uh, bye".

None of it was mean he seemed very bemused with it all.  Definitely not what I expected.  I'm relieved it went well and quickly, but damn if I'm not completely befuddled by his reaction.  Just sitting here all perplexed and letting all the anxiety far away.  My family is just so frickin weird.

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At least you got it out of the way and one less to worry about.

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Isn't it interesting how we think we know people close to us, and then they surprise us with things? I'm so glad that it went well though despite being quick. <3

Well after a little more thought I think I have figured it out.  He is upset and displeased.  This is his way of not getting into an argument about it.  He is smart enough to know what fights to pick.  He assessed it instantly and chose to avoid having any conversation at all.  This lines up with prior behavior patterns.

Now I am just trying to not be pissed.  The fact that he doesn't seem to want to even engage the subject irritates me.  Now I don't even have the option of explaining my situation and possibly confronting any false assumptions he likely harbors.  Kind of a petty passive aggressive power play tbh.

That also fits the pattern.  Invalidation by denial.  I am doing well now, but I have a strong suspicion I will be crying by the end of the evening.

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Amber,

   I have a few ideas. It was sprung on him (and was not planned by you.) It is a little unfair to expect him to digest it in an instant and be okay with it. He should get a little time to come to terms don't you think. I am a big proponent about telling the ones we love how we come to this place, telling history, telling of the turmoil and pain this caused you, etc. Let him know the choice of transitioning vrs. not transitioning as you see it. He deserves to know  more and you deserve to be able to tell him. Why not write him a letter explaining everything. Maybe propose a time to sit down and talk. You know I am trans, but if I found out about my son being trans the way your Dad found out, I would still need some room to sort it all out.
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on April 18, 2017, 08:34:04 PM
Amber,

   I have a few ideas. It was sprung on him (and was not planned by you.) It is a little unfair to expect him to digest it in an instant and be okay with it. He should get a little time to come to terms don't you think. I am a big proponent about telling the ones we love how we come to this place, telling history, telling of the turmoil and pain this caused you, etc. Let him know the choice of transitioning vrs. not transitioning as you see it. He deserves to know  more and you deserve to be able to tell him. Why not write him a letter explaining everything. Maybe propose a time to sit down and talk. You know I am trans, but if I found out about my son being trans the way your Dad found out, I would still need some room to sort it all out.
Moni

As far being sprung on him, yes I suppose it was.  However, it's not like he lives such a busy life that we couldn't discuss things.  It would cut into all of his time playing videogames and napping.  The letter is a better option, but I'm not sold on it. 

You are giving him too much credit because you don't know him and are laboring under the false assumption that he is a well adjusted individual with typical concerns regarding family and emotional bonding.  I'm not saying he doesn't have emotions or is psychotic, but to give an example: five years ago I checked myself into a psych ward because I was suicidal. When I told him about it all that discussion entailed was an, "oh.  Are you doing allright now?" He doesn't share and almost never discusses anything personal.

There is a pattern here.  I suppose this should have been posted in the arrrg subforum instead, but when I wrote the op I hadn't processed things yet.  While the current situation appears to be fine and things will remain copacetic, it is irritating nonetheless.  This is a pretty big deal and pay off me does want to talk to him because I do care about it and what he thinks.  I rather wish I didn't care.  Honestly I would rather things went ballistic instead. That I could have handled. This sort of thing is a slow poison that uses my own lack of self worth and tendency to seek external validation to wreck havoc on my psyche.

I appreciate that you took the time to respond.  I'm sorry that I seem to be shirking all of the advice.  This is why I am bad at using forums.  I tend to use then as more of a sounding board than a way to have a free and open dialogue about my problems.

You're not wrong in desiring a more emotional response.  What you expressed to him was huge and life changing. It's a central moment in your story.  You will remember that moment for the rest of your life.   You deserved more.  You dad came up short and bailed when you needed him not to.  I think a lot of times we give our families way more slack than they deserve.  That sucked IMO.

But congratulations on the male fail.

Hope you don't mind me posting. My dad's the same way and I've gradually accepted he'll never change. We don't discuss or mention me being trans even though the changes are kinda obvious (btw you look great in you profile pic ). I just now do my best to ignore him and try to be happy living my own life. Life's too short to stoop to his level. Although I've recently moved out ehich has helped. If my dad doesn't at least respect me no way am I being anywhere near him.

Hope it gets better for you.

Elis, thank you for the compliment.  I'm not happy about being neighbors with him.  The whole situation arose out of convenience and finances.  The house was cheap, we are poor. It's nice and sizable enough for our family.  Honestly, I rarely see my father despite him living right there.  He doesnt come over to visit or anything, unless he wants me to do something.  I would prefer to live somewhere else that wasn't in the middle of pennsyltucky, but for the moment we are stuck.

I haven't stooped to anything.  My wife will frequently make comments to the effect of we should be petty, but I remind her that we are better than that.  I'm just trying my damnedest to make sure my children don't know what it's like to be an emotionally stunted person because your family can't be bothered.

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Quote from: amberwaves on April 18, 2017, 10:32:42 PM

As far being sprung on him, yes I suppose it was.  However, it's not like he lives such a busy life that we couldn't discuss things.  It would cut into all of his time playing videogames and napping.  The letter is a better option, but I'm not sold on it. 

You are giving him too much credit because you don't know him and are laboring under the false assumption that he is a well adjusted individual with typical concerns regarding family and emotional bonding.  I'm not saying he doesn't have emotions or is psychotic, but to give an example: five years ago I checked myself into a psych ward because I was suicidal. When I told him about it all that discussion entailed was an, "oh.  Are you doing allright now?" He doesn't share and almost never discusses anything personal.

There is a pattern here.  I suppose this should have been posted in the arrrg subforum instead, but when I wrote the op I hadn't processed things yet.  While the current situation appears to be fine and things will remain copacetic, it is irritating nonetheless.  This is a pretty big deal and pay off me does want to talk to him because I do care about it and what he thinks.  I rather wish I didn't care.  Honestly I would rather things went ballistic instead. That I could have handled. This sort of thing is a slow poison that uses my own lack of self worth and tendency to seek external validation to wreck havoc on my psyche.

I appreciate that you took the time to respond.  I'm sorry that I seem to be shirking all of the advice.  This is why I am bad at using forums.  I tend to use then as more of a sounding board than a way to have a free and open dialogue about my problems.

Amber,
   I am no stranger to the type of attitude you are dealing with. I have certain relations like that as well. If this is the relationship you have, then it kind of comes down to what you need to do (with him) to satisfy you. What actions will leave you feeling good about what you did? In my life, I always wanted to put it on the line. If someone was gonna hate me, ignore me, feel pity for me (unwanted attitudes to be sure) then they were gonna do it using the facts, not some misapprehensions. What is best for you? I was not meaning to come off as harsh toward you. If your father acts like a jerk routinely, you are probably right that time to process your news will not make the difference.
   You are dealing with a long period of frustration with family and your situation. You have a right to be ticked off. Its no problem to vent. Don't feel bad.
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on April 20, 2017, 11:06:08 PM
Amber,
   I am no stranger to the type of attitude you are dealing with. I have certain relations like that as well. If this is the relationship you have, then it kind of comes down to what you need to do (with him) to satisfy you. What actions will leave you feeling good about what you did? In my life, I always wanted to put it on the line. If someone was gonna hate me, ignore me, feel pity for me (unwanted attitudes to be sure) then they were gonna do it using the facts, not some misapprehensions. What is best for you? I was not meaning to come off as harsh toward you. If your father acts like a jerk routinely, you are probably right that time to process your news will not make the difference.
   You are dealing with a long period of frustration with family and your situation. You have a right to be ticked off. Its no problem to vent. Don't feel bad.
Moni

Thank you Moni for being understanding.  I was pretty upset, but I've settled down now.  Ultimately, there isn't much of anything I can do.  I will be fine and at the end of the day I mostly got what I wanted out of it, I.e. not much changes.  It's a shame and I would rather things be different.  We don't get to choose our family.  I would just like to thank people on this forum for being generally awesome and understanding.

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Quote from: amberwaves on April 20, 2017, 11:16:22 PM
Thank you Moni for being understanding.  I was pretty upset, but I've settled down now.  Ultimately, there isn't much of anything I can do.  I will be fine and at the end of the day I mostly got what I wanted out of it, I.e. not much changes.  It's a shame and I would rather things be different.  We don't get to choose our family.  I would just like to thank people on this forum for being generally awesome and understanding.

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I'm glad you are feeling better. I hope one day that things will mellow out with regard to the family. In my life, my father was a very difficult person. When I was young I could tell what kind of night it might be by the sound of the car door shutting. There was a lot of hurt involved in that relationship, but in later years he calmed and yes, mellowed. That is the time I like to remember. I wish that for you if that is something you would like. Transitioning late in life has probably only one advantage, I never had to deal with the rejection that I would have had from parents. Maybe things will improve for you.
Moni

He has calmed down some with age, but he also became even more obstinate.  He will be 72 this year.  I think he's as mellowed out as he's going to be.  Honestly, I would rather have had these issues when I was younger because then I could have just peaced out rather than be forced to deal with things.  Oh well.

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Just an update to this ongoing saga.  I sat down with my father and asked him if how he is dealing with things.  He has had a few weeks to process things and I was curious.  He said that he is disappointed.  That is a natural response.  He told me he doesn't agree with my choice.  That was bout the extent of the conversation.  To even get that from him was like pulling teeth.  Multiple attempts to change the subject and significant periods of awkward silence.  I never got a chance, nor did I particularly have the inclination, to explain my side of things.  His manner and responses made it abundantly clear that he had made up his mind about things and did not care to know anything.

I'm very annoyed by this because he has literally no clue who I am or was.  He never saw, or was wilfully ignorant of all the emotional pain and abuse of my life.  He believes it is a choice to be transgender.  We all know that being transgender is not a choice.  The choice is whether to anything about it.  He is an emotionally stunted individual who has always lacked even a smidge of empathy.  There is zero ability to look beyond himself and his thoughts.  No ability to put himself in another position and ponder how that would affect someone.

I was talking with his girlfriend a bit.  She has a great attitude about things and just doesn't care how I present.  She told me that my father just wants me to be happy and that he frequently mentions that fact.  Unfortunately, despite living right next door he has no idea if I'm happy or not because we never interact.he never visits or even talks to me unless he wants me to do something.  He doesn't know that I am significantly happier overall since starting transition.  There will likely be no more updates about him because things are how they are going to be and nothing further will likely change. Once again, my family never fails to disappoint.

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 Hi Amber,

  The relationship you describe is sad. It is also obviously difficult for you. As far as him changing you could be wrong. You never know what may happen down the road. I will continue to hope that it will change for your sake.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Thanks for the support Laurie.  It is sad, but not as difficult for me as you may think.  I have had many a years of dealing with my family to get used to it.  Still kinda sucks that things aren't likely to be different.  For years I blamed my mother and siblings for a lot of my being messed up.  There is reason for it.  My father escaped strict scrutiny for many years.  Turns out his emotional poison was just more subtle and long acting.  The silver lining is that my wife and I are making sure the cycle of dysfunction breaks.

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Amber,
   Sorry to hear that it went that way. Maybe you just have to mentally protect yourself as best you can from the toxicity of family members. It sounds like you are building something wonderful in you being your true self. They can't take that from you. I hope you find a happy place for yourself.
Moni

Thanks Moni.  Things are not truly as bad as they seem. It is just very frustrating.  My wife and I have similar opinions of my family.  When we first started dating I told her I wasn't terribly big on family.  She couldn't understand how I could feel that until she spent time with my family.

I don't share these stories necessarily to get support, though I am grateful for when I receive some.  I post so that others may read some of my experiences and take heart.  I typically don't have significant trans related issues in my life.  This is not truly trans related either, just a bad family.  In a way it's to show that everything is not all sunshine and roses.  I historically avoid sharing the negative things.  Also, I tend to draw inward when upset rather than share outwardly.  Acknowledgement and sharing of the more negative aspects of life is just part of my growth as an individual.  It's been helpful to read accounts that mirror my own experience.  I read significantly more than I post and this is just me giving back and adding to the growing body of stories on this site.

Amber

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