Hi All,

Despite my best efforts, this ended up being a bit of a ramble.  I guess I just have a lot of thoughts and some trouble organizing them.  Thank you for taking the time to read it. 

I believe I've recently identified some dysphoria in myself.  And, strangely enough, I'm at a stage where I'm sort of consciously seeking it out.  That is to say, I'm spending more time acknowledging my interest and desire to be a woman.  When I see a woman, I think "what's it like to be her?"  or I daydream about dressing as a woman, growing my hair out, leaning into what I think of as female energy.

Sometimes I'm rewarded with a terrible ache in the pit of my stomach and my mind.  It's a bittersweet feeling.  Mourning a life that never happened?  But also might still happen?  I could wear that pink striped skirt and I could blow my hair out of my face and I could smile coy and people would think I was being a flirty girl and everyone will be happy?  If I can't accept myself, how could anyone else?

And yet still, sometimes I feel like everything is okay.  Like I am a man and that's okay, and these thoughts of being a woman are just a dream.  Sometimes I feel like a fraud.  Like I'm not really who I think I am.  Or who even am I?  I notice my moods cycle and vary a lot with my outlook.  And there are dark days that seem impossible and I'm just miserable and hate myself.  I'm currently seeing a counselor provided by my work Employee assistance programs.  I'm also considering antidepressants.  Never tried those.   

When I think about being a woman, I know it is right.  I am very happy with the idea.  Like, if there was a machine to allow me to be any person, I would be a woman.  I would be a hundred different kinds of women before I would ever want to be a man.  I think this tells me something, even if it's just a silly thought exercise. Being a man is uninteresting to me, but it is how I was born and how I have lived for over thirty years. 

I don't know if I want to transition.  At the same time, I don't think I've truly accepted transition as something that could really happen.  I'm just so terrified of how it will affect my relationships; work, home, family, friends.  I can't bear to imagine it.  I'm not a person who makes big changes in my life.  Though I do dream big.   Sometimes I can even carry that into my day to day life.  I can feel the woman inside of me, and bring out her spirit in my self expression.  Those are good days, and I am happy, and I feel happier in my interactions with others.  I wonder, 'is this woman I am crafting in my mind, is she real?  Is she just a construction?  Is she really me?  Who am I?'

I haven't really spent much time experimenting.  Only a few times in my life have I worn women's clothes, and I didn't necessarily get the sense that it was 'right,' more that it was an interesting experience and that I wanted more.  I also know that I was afraid to like it too much.  Even the women who lent me their clothes and were being 'game' for me to try them on, I wanted to be sure that they didn't think I really liked it and wanted to keep doing it.  I tried to play it off as just a little bit of fun, not much else.  But I think I would have done it every single day, even then.  I have a whole plan for closeted activities, including shaving my legs in the winter, painting my toes, dressing up around the house.  Growing my hair long.  But all of these things terrify me.

Another dysphoric thing I've always noticed about myself:  I never really look in the mirror.  Like, I will use the mirror to make myself presentable, but I rarely look at myself.  I really don't like to look at myself.  I think 'who cares about that person?'  I disregard my image.  And I guess my biggest fear about transition is that that feeling will not go away.  That I will still not like the person in the mirror, only now I'll have taken a huge social risk. 

I am slowly concocting a transition plan in my mind.  It starts with coming out to my girlfriend and with experimenting with clothes, makeup, hair.  And talking about it, a lot.  More therapy.  If I am ever going to take the big step of transition, I want to be certain it's right for me. 

If you took the time to read, thank you And thank you so much for this board and this community.  I have learned so much reading about your experiences. 

Congratulations on your wonderment! It is the first step in a long journey. First find a qualified gender therapist, do a lot of research on the therapist before deciding one. I general therapist will not have expertise you are going to need to guide you on your journey. Coming out to a partner is a huge step. Only you know what stage your relationship is with your girlfriend. If you have been together for a long time and you want a serious future with her, once you know for sure your direction come out. Personally I came out to early and hopped right back in the closet, now I am trying to get out of the closet again.

Hello Deb Roz,

As you mentioned, your post got to be a bit of a ramble, well my reply did the same thing. Please take as words offered with good intentions with no desire to dismiss or put you down.

You are at an amazing place in life; such exciting potential, such scary risks. You speak of what if's and plans to try things out. This seems very familiar to me but I started 30 plus years later than where you are now. My wife and I enjoyed experimenting and integrating my transgender nature into our lives and we knew that everything was good and in control, until it wasn't! I/we thought that we could enjoy my "feminine presentation" when it was convenient and put it away at will until I realized that I could not be put away and that we were not in control. I had a very difficult time surviving the realization that I AM a transgender woman and that is all there is to it. It became a very slippery steep slide from that point through starting hrt and now having srs scheduled for the fall of this year. I have lost many close friends, social position and the significant "Male Privilege". I have no idea what life would have been like if I/we had not taken this path but I know that there is no turning back or "recovery" from where we are now.

That said, I have never been happier in my life and I absolutely love my life as Anne. My wife and I look forward to living the remainder of our lives as a couple of eccentric crazy old ladies (and I think that we are doing a very good job of it). It has been consuming, expensive (financially, emotionally and socially) but I would not trade it for anything.

My recommendations:
-   Run from it if you can. If you have looked at many posts on this site you know about the costs in tears and relationships that accompany this journey. If the nature of your gender identity/ gender disconnect is at all at the place that it could by walked away from and if you could find enjoyment and fulfillment in your life as a male do it. If not;
-   Find a good gender therapist that you are comfortable with and do lots of processing with them. Work through the possibilities of where you may want to go and what might be indicators of where you need to go. Many in this journey find acceptable life points where they can comfortably live within the boundaries and constraints of social demands but there are also those that need to fully transition into who they need to be.
-   Begin open and honest communications with your girlfriend. Relationships are significantly strained with gender identity changes. Many are irreparably damaged or lost, some are enhanced and strengthened. They will be changed!
-   Find/build a support group that you can share really private stuff with and that will have your back. You cannot/should not try to do this alone. The folks on Susan's Place are great, caring, informative and supportive but, from my point of view, you need face time with those that know and care about you and have the willingness to be there for you. I cannot stress this point enough; I would not be here now if not for one of those friends!

I am trying my best to bring out the seriousness of transgender life. You will either find that you need to go forward from here or you can walk away from it; either way you have my best wishes for a good life. If your path includes moving forward getting to know the Deb Roz inside of you both I and so many others at Susan's are here to support you in this wondrous journey.

Anne

Anne, thank you so much for your response.  I really appreciate it.  I appreciate hearing your story, I appreciate your direct advice, and your choice to present it in a bulleted list    Seriously, readability means a lot to me, and you are very coherent and compassionate in your writing. 

I do feel that I am on a precipice, after a fashion.  Part of me wants to dive, but most of me wants to be cautious.  I am generally a cautious person, so I trust in myself to navigate carefully.  The therapist I'm seeing currently is not a gender therapist, however, I have other issues I am working out.  I take your words to heart, that the heartache of transition may be best avoided.  I will try to explore my identity as a whole person, and if the gravity of my femininity is not to be denied, then I will respond accordingly and with the best support I can muster. 

I owe it to my girlfriend to share this with her.  I do not like keeping secrets.  It will likely lead to some awkwardness between us, but I'd rather work together with her, at this early stage, than otherwise.  It is very tempted to just sort of hide it and bury it and thank my lucky stars for all the good things I've been blessed with.  But that just hasn't seemed to work so far.  One step at a time.  I will learn to be truly thankful for what I have. 

Once again, thank you for your kind words and support. 

Quote from: Deb Roz on May 31, 2017, 06:49:41 PM
I owe it to my girlfriend to share this with her.  I do not like keeping secrets.

Just be aware that sharing this with your girlfriend will likely forever change the dynamics of your relationship. Once you let the cat out of the bag, there's no putting it back in.

Little update on me,  that is to say: no update.  I haven't told anyone.  I've been considering telling my girlfriend, but the time is never right.  But I also feel myself growing more distant as I think more and more about my feminine self. 

I've noticed my dysphoria has gotten worse since I decided to start thinking about it seriously instead of ignoring it or pretending it isn't there.  It's that terrible cycle where I see a woman in a nice sun dress, I think how nice it would be to wear it, then I think of how broad my shoulders are, and how i would look like a man in a dress, and I feel bad.  My nails are growing, and I imagine I want a manicure, but then I look at my hands, and they look ugly.  I should just cut my nails and be done with it. 

I am so conflicted.  I really want to bury these feelings so that I can get on with my life.  But I also don't want to.  I really like the feminine me that lives in my mind and my heart.  But the reality of her seems so far away.  I am frozen, and I walk around with this conflict in my head.

I notice that it's especially pronounced when I'm idle.  When I am busy, it doesn't bother me as much.  Of course, that's generally true for any emotional trouble I have. 

Thanks for reading.   

Have you spoke with a gender therapist yet? That is a big step. Plus you need to be honest with yourself about this. Telling your lover is going to be hard. It's a moment of vulnerability and as males we were taught not to put ourselves in that position. I finally told my wife. It was very hard. I would go to speak and nothing would come out. Finally managed to say the words to her. She wasn't happy. She was upset that I had waited so long. She is scared of our future but is willing to be there with me.

You could always gage her opinion about transgenders and see and see how she reacts to that.

Quote from: Deb Roz on May 30, 2017, 03:47:37 PM
Hi All,

Despite my best efforts, this ended up being a bit of a ramble.  I guess I just have a lot of thoughts and some trouble organizing them......

Quote from: Deb Roz on June 23, 2017, 11:46:29 AM
Little update on me,  that is to say: no update.  I haven't told anyone.  I've been considering telling my girlfriend, but the time is never right.  But I also feel myself growing more distant as I think more and more about my feminine self. 

I've noticed my dysphoria has gotten worse since I decided to start thinking about it seriously instead of ignoring it or pretending it isn't there.  It's that terrible cycle where I see a woman in a nice sun dress, I think how nice it would be to wear it, then I think of how broad my shoulders are, and how i would look like a man in a dress, and I feel bad.  My nails are growing, and I imagine I want a manicure, but then I look at my hands, and they look ugly.  I should just cut my nails and be done with it. 

I am so conflicted.  I really want to bury these feelings so that I can get on with my life.  But I also don't want to.  I really like the feminine me that lives in my mind and my heart.  But the reality of her seems so far away.  I am frozen, and I walk around with this conflict in my head.

I notice that it's especially pronounced when I'm idle.  When I am busy, it doesn't bother me as much.  Of course, that's generally true for any emotional trouble I have. 

Thanks for reading.   

Hello Deb Roz!

I don't really have any advice for you, I just want to say that I am in a remarkably similar place as you right now and I completely understand how you feel (you can read my own similar rambling post i made a week ago if you'd like.....it was the first post I made). 

If you want someone in a similar place to talk to I am here.  I know being on this forum has been very therepeutic for me....but I havent met many who are in the same place as me yet.

Regardless good luck!

-Jessica