Hi.   

I've been lurking here off and on for more than a year.  I occasionally post to another tg forum, but i'm beginning to prefer the vibe here.

I'm in my mid 40's.  Gender variant since i was around 5, wearing my mom's clothes.  Got caught and was told it was wrong.  i became more careful

Bought my own stuff around 19 or so.  one time my sister dressed me up "as practice for halloween" and i felt absolutely amazing.

Told my girlfriend i was a CD early into the relationship (thank goodness). furtively read about ts', transitioning and christine jorgenson.  one night i asked my gf to do my makeup and she freaked when she saw me.  everything went surpressed for the next 25 years, except occasional bedroom lingerie.  i was in denial, but deep down i knew

One day last year for whatever reason, the switched got flipped.  i was reading stuff online about gender variance and i got a sick feeling...i finally admitted to myself i was TG, and really, deep down, i always wanted to be female.

Told my SO.  Little rough at first, but she was/is supportive.  probably in part because i was up front all those years ago about being a cd, and 25 years of a solid relationship.

So for now, i'm taking it slow.  i have the waxing and waning dysphoria.  some days it's bad, like i need to transition asap bad.  some days i'm meh about the whole thing.  but the background noise of transiness is ALWAYS there.  Social transition is not an option for at least 5 years.  So i have to make do with going to support group functions, going out outside our local area in our agreed upon no fly zone, and she and i going out if we are out of town on a weekend.

I see permanent hair removal, some degree of FFS especially rhinoplasty as highly
probable, HRT and BA as possible, and bottom surgery as highly improbable, approaching zero asymptotely, but never say never   I think i'll want to retain the ability to present as a sorta male if needed, for her. 

I have a big sense of humor and sometimes post  tongue in cheek.  and self depracating humor quite a bit.   So if i offend, apologies in advance, it wasn't my intent, I promise!!!

Cheers!

-n

Hi, Nikki!

As you've probably found, you are not alone in this background.  I knew when I was young, was caught and 'cured'.  Didn't work...   I finally came out early last year after a really rough patch, and started transition after many discussions with a therapist.  My marriage didn't survive. This just wasn't something my spouse was prepared to deal with.

"There are eight million stories in the naked city; this has been one of them"

Join in on the fun!  I see you've already been greeted officially.  Post your questions and comments!

Hello Nikki,

Welcome to the group! As Michelle alluded to with her eight million stories reference, we all have stories and many can relate to where you are. Michelle has been breaking all kinds of records in getting from where she was just a short time ago to being all of who she needs to be. My wife and I are on a similar journey, just not at her pace.

I love the limits and constraints that you have mentioned but I caution you against absolutes. I know that my wife and I had several hard boundaries that kept shifting until virtually none are left but crossing those self imposed boundaries were a bit more painful than if they had been erected as intentions or marker posts. Whatever works for you.

I found the folks at Susan's to be significantly helpful in our journey, both as an information resource as well as personally supportive as friends and sisters. I hope that you find it likewise. Feel free to share your experiences and queries. - Anne

Hi Nikki 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Hi Nikki!!!! Welcome!!! This place is even more awesomer with a new person like yourself joining!

Hi Nikki

  I'm Laurie, 64 and mtf. I'm also a self appointed unofficial greeter here. (((Hug))) Welcome to Susan's Place. Sorry for being remiss in giving you a timely greeting. So come on in.. okay okay I late so you let yourself in already. (I knew that) Did you find a comfy seat and have a look at the forums? You're welcome to post your own threads you know? Or comment on others if you want. We're glad you're here.
  I started out much the same as you sneaking around borrowing girl's clothes when I could, Halloween dress ups, Hiding hiding hiding until I got married and told my wife. Now my ex-wife. Yes dysphoria and crossdressing had their parts in that happening among other issues. Last December I quit lying to myself and accepted my desires went well beyond just crossdressing. I accepted I was a trans-woman and started HRT with the proviso that I would stop if it didn't feel right for me. Well it's bee six months and I have no intentions of stopping. It is what is right for me.
   Hope you have found a home here Nikki.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Thank you all for the warm welcome

Welcome here :-)

Reading your story made me almost cry... it is 95% my story too! (I was 7 when I got caught, 22 year of relationship).

I ended up jumping in with both feet and had an amazing year. Now I am 5 month on HRT, out at work, sporting heels when seeing customers and I have become a very happy and well centered girly girl... Almost full time now.

Before starting hRT I went through a lot of the same emotions as you did, my days where all about figuring out everything, dressing 4 x a day and thinking about transients pretty much 24/7. Interestingly enough once I was on Hormones, it just became a new normal and many things moved a bit into the background. (Even my time on Susan's went from hours a day down to checking twice or three times a day)

Having a supportive partner is worth it's weight in gold. Cherish her and make sure she is truly comfortable. I have seen that there are two sides of my wife: The very supportive one, seeing all the benefits of my transition but then there is also a somewhat buried fear and sadness about the entire situation. I am working hard to help her in any way I can and I hope that one day her sadness will go away too.

I hope you will have an amazing journey! Good luck and we are all here to support you and help!