So I'm at a bit of a crossroads. My therapist said she would write me a letter for hormones. I have been wanting this for a long time, but now I'm so terrified that I don't know if I want to anymore. Part of the problem I have is that I am having a lot of trouble imagining my future. Do I want to be an old woman? would that be better or worse than being an old man? (Frankly I'm not too wild about growing old, but I think that's pretty common.)

Deep down I really feel like I want a female body, but in terms of living my life and telling everybody and all of that, I'm not sure that I'm not creating more problems than I'm solving. I just don't seem to know anything about what I want anymore. I really wish that this would go away, I don't want to be trans. Hopefully I can get some sort of advice because I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

You aren't making a life time decision here. You are only deciding on the next of many steps. If you start on hormones and you don't like it, you are not committed and you can stop at any time. If you proceed to RLE and you don't like it, again you can change your mind. The purpose of HRT and RLE is self discovery and is designed to help you discover if this is right for you. Most people discover they are happy with these changes in their life but you will never know for sure unless you try it.

As Dena mentioned, you are not making a lifetime decision by starting HRT. Why not just trial HRT for 3 months, then evaluate things from there. If you really don't think it's improving your mental well-being, then stop. If this seems too daunting to you, why not just try an anti-androgen on it's own, then see how you feel? Low dose HRT is another option.

Like yourself, I just wish this would all go away, but the reality is, it wont. There is no perfect solution, but you need to look at what will give you the best quality of life. As much as I didn't want to start HRT for social reasons, the dysphoria was so bad that I had to do something about it. After 50 years of dealing with this condition, I have learned that pushing it back and doing nothing only causes misery; not only to yourself, but to those who are close to you.

Quote from: Dena on May 31, 2017, 10:29:24 PM
You aren't making a life time decision here. You are only deciding on the next of many steps. If you start on hormones and you don't like it, you are not committed and you can stop at any time.

I'm not so sure.  To me the various steps of transition have seemed more like dominoes.  One topples the next without any need for additional input.  I think the poster is wise to pause before such a momentous step if only for the reason that this may be one of the last, best places to pause.

The girl dope is very addictive.  But I don't regret it.  If anything, I wish I had started sooner.

Quote from: rmaddy on May 31, 2017, 11:00:11 PM
I'm not so sure.  To me the various steps of transition have seemed more like dominoes.  One topples the next without any need for additional input.  I think the poster is wise to pause before such a momentous step if only for the reason that this may be one of the last, best places to pause.

It is but often it's because you discover that your fear isn't real. The most difficult thing for me was stepping out the door for the first time. Each time out the door after that was less difficult than the previous one.

I experienced pretty much the same anxieties you are talking about here at the start of my transition. It was 2010 and I was 24, which in hindsight is really young but at the time i felt like i was too old and had missed my opportunity as I was out of my teens and didn't think hormones would have much of an effect anymore.

So, feeling old as i did, I contemplated the fact that I was only going to be getting older and that obviously age is often of far more concern to women than to men. So yeah i'd say things are 'easier' for old men. But the idea of living my entire life as a gender i didn't identify with for the sake of having things a little easier later on just made no sense.

I think part of me felt like because i'd missed a lot of years (again relative given my age at the time) that i wouldn't have a lot of stuff 'out of my system' before i was too old to do it anymore. What i've actually found though is that i think our minds just  naturally develop tastes for age appropriate things and its simply a non issue in reality.

Yes I will be an old woman one day. But when that comes I think I will actually have a mind that is interested in things appropriate for my age. I cant see it being an issue

What spurred me forward was thinking about how I want to be when I am older.  For me, at age 62, that is coming up fast, so I knew I couldn't dither.  I pictured me as a gray-haired old fart sitting at a table in Tim Horton's talking about hockey over a double-double with a bunch of other gray-haired old farts.  The thought of it filled me with revulsion.  That is so much the opposite of what I want.

On the other hand, I pictured myself dressed, as my mother was, casually elegant, getting together with some nice old biddies for tea and knitting, and the thought was comforting.

The revulsion and the comfort are subtle.  I had to pay close attention to feel them.  It is especially hard for us, having grown up trans, because we had to learn to suppress our feelings in order to survive.  Re-learning to feel is the hardest part of this journey.  I am finding that it is the most rewarding.  As I pay more attention to those feelings, I am finding that they are guiding me well.

A few years ago I felt like you did. In 2013 I was told I was XXY and it finally clicked on why I felt and thought the way I did. I went to therapy and got my letter in 2015 when I thought I was ready, but I hesitated and put it off. I kept the letter and in April, when I was ready, I took it to the doctor and she accepted it. My suggestion is you get the letter so you have at least. If by chance you believe you aren't ready, you can use it later. It doesn't seem to have an expiration date.

I will say though, I really wish I had started 2 years ago. I hit 50 this year and decided I needed to take action so in April I started HRT and never looked back. I feel so much better mentally than I have in a very long time. Giving up male privilege and living life as a happy woman seems better than living life as a bitter man. Best of all, if after a while you don't think it's for you, you can always stop, go a low dose, or change things up with your doctor. Don't forget that you are in the driver's seat.


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QuoteDo I want to be an old woman? would that be better or worse than being an old man? (Frankly I'm not too wild about growing old, but I think that's pretty common.)

I'm 63.  Men in my family line going back three generations have consistently died between 66 and 69.   I didn't want to die an old man, never having been what I've always known I was.

I think this might be what finally triggered my breakdown and coming out a year ago.

My therapist wanted to make sure I understood that HRT would and would not do, and wanted to hear from me what I expected medical transition to do for and to me. "I'll be a weird old lady, and I'm good with that."

I'm old, and it shows up close in my face.  I'm also the happiest I've been in my adult life.  I'm good with that.

Quote from: AnamethatstartswithE on May 31, 2017, 10:03:04 PM
(Frankly I'm not too wild about growing old, but I think that's pretty common.)

At one point if existence allows it, everybody does yeah.
(Just kidding ahah)

You seem focus on the long term and you are right to think about the future. But if it's just hormone, at the "here and now" to the "not so long term" maybe you can take them and stop after a while if you think that's not for you.

have you talked about it to your therapist?
And ask about the possibility of stopping the treatment eventually and the implication of such a move?
MAybe it could help.

Kael.

Quote from: AnamethatstartswithE on May 31, 2017, 10:03:04 PM
So I'm at a bit of a crossroads. My therapist said she would write me a letter for hormones. I have been wanting this for a long time, but now I'm so terrified that I don't know if I want to anymore. Part of the problem I have is that I am having a lot of trouble imagining my future. Do I want to be an old woman? would that be better or worse than being an old man? (Frankly I'm not too wild about growing old, but I think that's pretty common.)

Deep down I really feel like I want a female body, but in terms of living my life and telling everybody and all of that, I'm not sure that I'm not creating more problems than I'm solving. I just don't seem to know anything about what I want anymore. I really wish that this would go away, I don't want to be trans. Hopefully I can get some sort of advice because I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

One of my wife's oft repeated lines to me early on when I first started taking on the Trans-Beast for real was "No one in their right mind WANTS to be a 50 year old woman". She'd then start reciting a list of reasons why. Well, TBH I wasn't in my right mind. I needed to try something to get there.

It did get better

I have read you're "who wants to be a fifty year old woman" line before and actually used it in the early stages as a defense mechanism for not going forward. Then it hit me one day, and I started to laugh. A sixty year old woman would love to be a fifty year old woman, I better get moving! No better time to start than now.

Quote from: AnamethatstartswithE on May 31, 2017, 10:03:04 PM
I really wish that this would go away, I don't want to be trans.

Me either... all of us, if given a choice, I believe would want to live a "normal" life as the assigned sex and forget about all this. But the reality is, it will never go away. I tried, like you probably had, many many times shun it all away.

I am at the same point as you are now. These past few months have been hell... So many doubts, uncertainty and fear. But some things made me feel calmer:

- If you ever question "Am I really trans?" - I have, still do and will do, many times. The thing is, cis people doesn't want to be the other gender or have another gender's body. So, that single reason makes me trans.

- Now, are you obliged to assume the other gender's social role? NO! Can you transition physically, and still live a male's social life? Why not? That concept that you MUST have RLE or always feel like you have been a girl from the craddle is past. We have been discovering that there are different tones in the gender spectre. Find your tone and be happy.

Quote from: Violets on May 31, 2017, 10:55:08 PM
After 50 years of dealing with this condition, I have learned that pushing it back and doing nothing only causes misery; not only to yourself, but to those who are close to you.

I can relate to this - this is the main reason and the "last drop" that made me think about transitioning. I am 35 and I sat down and thought - I will soon be 50... and then will grow into an old man... living this "grayish" life and crawling through the days... is that what I really think? I feel sorry that you had to wait until 50, others wait even more... but it makes me happy to think that so many of us here were able to find happiness, I imagine so many others may have died without living truly and fully...

I couldn't stand the thought of dying a sad old man.  I had to be myself, and as I said above, I'm happy now.  I'm a weird old lady, playing with my radios and teaching applied physics, and I'm happy, really happy for the first time in my adult life.

I have faced my fears and self-doubts, found them unfounded, and am finally at the end my days who I felt I always was inside.

That has to be worth something.

Quote from: AnamethatstartswithE on May 31, 2017, 10:03:04 PM
So I'm at a bit of a crossroads. My therapist said she would write me a letter for hormones. I have been wanting this for a long time, but now I'm so terrified that I don't know if I want to anymore. Part of the problem I have is that I am having a lot of trouble imagining my future. Do I want to be an old woman? would that be better or worse than being an old man? (Frankly I'm not too wild about growing old, but I think that's pretty common.)

Deep down I really feel like I want a female body, but in terms of living my life and telling everybody and all of that, I'm not sure that I'm not creating more problems than I'm solving. I just don't seem to know anything about what I want anymore. I really wish that this would go away, I don't want to be trans. Hopefully I can get some sort of advice because I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

You sound just like me a couple of years ago. All the same feelings. I even started hrt and then stopped almost right after. Now that I am getting closer to that year mark of being on HRT for the second time and seeing the awesome changes I am still a little scared of future. BUT I am mad at myself for not figuring this out sooner and starting hormones right after my therapist gave me the go ahead. I would have been going on 4 instead of 1.

Just my opinion, If you are trans, then not going ahead will be causing way more problems in the future than not starting. And remember just because you start hrt does not mean you have to transition as fast as some you see on Susan's. I am over 6 years starting a slow transition, with not even a year on hormones. My body and face is changing. But the way I dress and etc.... if you met me you would have a hard time believing I am trans. Especially if I wore men's shoes and accessories. (Yuk) And my hrt is a full transition dose. Started low and added till my mind felt better. I needed full dose for my mind to be right.

Good luck and if you need to talk I am here. Just IM me.


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Thank you everyone, I'm still kind of scared but it's getting better.