The longer Ive been alive and the more Ive had to get to grips with the fact transitioning with hormones is not in my interest, the more I've had to face that I may well never pass. I fear infertility massively.

Ive tried to fit in as a man lately since I've got 12 months before the gender services see me again. Braved going to the barbers to style some facial hair and for a short time I was ok... and then I started to feel worse even when I was complimented for having a nice beard and that it makes me look handsome. In fact, now I've properly taken up make grooming Im getting noticed more by women which is nice... but not in other ways.

Ive decided if I can live androgynously in a less masculine body and be prepared to make some moves to reduce my male features for now, its the only way I can manage right now. Ive cut weight lifting and my normal exercises for running and martial arts and boxing in an attempt to slim down and lose a lot of weight and bulk.

there are times where I am disgusted with myself for feeling like I do, and others where I just... I dont know anymore really. I cant tell if coping is what I want.

I dont just want to be surviving this

I want to thrive

it's not about passing, it is about being comfortable with your body. If that means do only a few things, that's fine. If it means going all the way, that's fine as well. You need get out in public and see if you are comfortable as you wish to appear in public. Yes, you will have to deal with fear but the good thing is fear is short lived. Some people only have it for a few hours while other may take longer. You are coping and surviving as long as you don't push your limits. Once you do, you will discover the limits you have lived with for so long are just an illusion.

Quote from: Dena on June 05, 2017, 04:58:51 PM
You are coping and surviving as long as you don't push your limits. Once you do, you will discover the limits you have lived with for so long are just an illusion.

Well put Dena!

QuoteYou are coping and surviving as long as you don't push your limits. Once you do, you will discover the limits you have lived with for so long are just an illusion.

I agree also. My limits were, for a long time, self imposed.

Say one becomes comfortable with their body, yet are ostracized and treated differently by society in comparison to cis women because they don't pass, is that any kind of life to live? I'm fine with not fully passing, but I've got to try and come close. Otherwise I'd just be trading body discomfort for social discomfort. One set of problems with another.

Quote from: JMJW on June 05, 2017, 07:11:27 PM
Otherwise I'd just be trading body discomfort for social discomfort. One set of problems with another.

That's a very common issue in our transgender community I think.  The question then becomes, "Which pain is greater?"