I would like so advice please.

I am 5 years transgender post op and yesterday I joined a dating site. On my profile I put I am transgender post op, but all I kept getting was countless messages from weirdos like men aged 60 and 70. I am only 39.

Since I removed the transgender part from my profile I am now getting nice guys around my age message me.

I am taking to one at the moment (he messaged me this morning). So far it's going well and thinks I look lovely.

My question is, when do I tell him I am transgender post op? On first date or over website?

Thanks for any advice you can give me.

Personally, I have no time for people who may (read probably) not want to date a transgender person. My OKCupid starts with "I'm transgender. If that hasn't sent you packing, feel free to write." I've never got a negative reply. Good luck!

Hugs, Devlyn

Hi Bethany. Long time, no see! Welcome back.

There are no hard & fast rules about how & when you should disclose your trans status. Like Devlyn, I'm upfront about it on my profile because I don't want to risk meeting guys who are intolerant or aggressive. You'll find that some sites/apps are better than others: some are full of ->-bleeped-<-s who seek out pre-op trans women for very specific (and homophobic) reasons. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find that one prince!

If you choose not to disclose on your profile, it's a good idea to go on a first date to see whether you like the guy before you disclose. If the first date goes well and you decide to go on a second date, disclose on the second date.

You ought to disclose before anything sexual occurs: sadly, there have been cases in the UK where people have been prosecuted for having 'sex by deception' because they didn't disclose before sex & the other party found out later and reported them to the police. It's a massive injustice but this is the society in which we find ourselves, so better safe than sorry!

Thanks for replies. It has been a long time. But I am back now.

Like I said I did have it on my profile but I got more than 15 (yes 15) people who were like 50, 60, and 70 and they just looked like dirty old men. 

There's also the option of non-disclosure.  Ever.

I've never told my lovers.  Including my longest relationship, which lasted six years. 

Now, whether that works for you or not will depend on what your personal truth is.  Do you believe you're simply a woman, and that transition was just a temporary journey of medical correction -- that "trans" is transitory, defined by the existence of dysphoria rather than being the essence of who you are?  Then the practice of non-disclosure (which really does have to be a practice exercised in every aspect of your life) may very well work for you, assuming you no longer suffer dysphoria. 

Quote from: Sophia Sage on June 07, 2017, 07:55:35 AM
Now, whether that works for you or not will depend on what your personal truth is. 

It depends on more than that in the UK, unfortunately. If Bethany has a GRC & has had all her documentation changed, then it might be feasible. But people have been prosecuted and imprisoned in the UK for having sex with people without disclosing their status. It's a very risky thing to do here.

I'm not looking to date, and I live as the girl I am within & without.  That being said I *still* get creepy 60+ year old men hitting on me.  It was an amazing refresher to have a young teenager hitting on me in mcd's.  He didn't stand a chance in hell, but it was still refreshing compared to all the old creepy dudes.

And for all those people 'i used to be a man' bs... that's if you buy you're still a transgender and not a medical birth mishap.  For me that's a long the lines of "Oh I used to have a cleft palate", or "My teeth used to be misaligned".. or some other gene problem.  Is it their business? Only if it becomes an issue... and even that's questionable.   To disclose or not to disclose is entirely and solely up to you, and its noone elses business.  (Including all the naysayers in here).  Its absolutely possible for consequences to occur for not disclosing... legal or otherwise of course.. I still say its unethical to force someone to disclose this legally.

   Reading this I am feeling maligned. I'm in my 60s and have never hit on children 20 or more years younger than myself. I am sure there are lots of younger folk dating or in a more permanent relationship with an older partner. If we were talking about pedophiles I could understand the disparaging language but 39 isn't a child and I can easily visualize a mature 39yro happily dating someone older.

  Laurie

Quote from: Laurie on June 07, 2017, 09:01:19 AM
   Reading this I am feeling maligned. I'm in my 60s and have never hit on children 20 or more years younger than myself. I am sure there are lots of younger folk dating or in a more permanent relationship with an older partner. If we were talking about pedophiles I could understand the disparaging language but 39 isn't a child and I can easily visualize a mature 39yro happily dating someone older.

Whilst I do agree that there isn't that big a gap between 39 & 60, there's nothing wrong with preferring to date people close to your own age. That having been said, I doubt it's the age per se that was the issue here... more the creepiness of some of the guys that haunt these sites & hit up any trans woman they can find. We're not talking about decent, upstanding gents: some of them are ->-bleeped-<-s, and some of them can be very lewd & highly inappropriate in their communication style. Plenty of them happen to be older men. But anyway, they're not the kind of guys that the OP seems to be interested in, whatever their age.

Quote from: FTMDiaries on June 07, 2017, 08:35:06 AMIt depends on more than that in the UK, unfortunately. If Bethany has a GRC & has had all her documentation changed, then it might be feasible. But people have been prosecuted and imprisoned in the UK for having sex with people without disclosing their status. It's a very risky thing to do here.

Well, yes, a practice of non-disclosure would include having updated all documentation (I call them "narrative artifacts") and having had bottom surgery if sex is happening.  Practicing non-disclosure successfully is predicated on not getting clocked in the first place.  And then maintaining non-disclosure throughout the relationship (even if it's only a one-night stand). 

As such, the UK rules are meaningless, as they are predicated on disclosure at some point.

Quote from: Doreen on June 07, 2017, 08:41:50 AMAnd for all those people 'i used to be a man' bs... that's if you buy you're still a transgender and not a medical birth mishap.  For me that's a long the lines of "Oh I used to have a cleft palate", or "My teeth used to be misaligned".. or some other gene problem.  Is it their business? Only if it becomes an issue... and even that's questionable.   To disclose or not to disclose is entirely and solely up to you, and its noone elses business.  (Including all the naysayers in here).  Its absolutely possible for consequences to occur for not disclosing... legal or otherwise of course.. I still say its unethical to force someone to disclose this legally.

Agreed!

And again, any consequences of non-disclosure would stem from getting clocked.  If you pass, and your female life is effectively compartmentalized away from one's previous medical condition (which also means not having people in your life who will out you) this shouldn't be an issue.

I never got negativity well with a zero point , Percentage ... but they will always be those that see you as a cum dump fetish to test you out (pre/post). I say tell them while in chat and if it get serious


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I am taking all advice on board. Thanks everyone.

The other person needs to know. Otherwise, bad things could happen when he finds out. If he is fine with it, you probably  have nothing to worry about. If you do not wish to have it on your profile, mention it in a message early on enough that you do not invest to much effort into something that may not pan out. Some guys will want to talk right away, and you might not get a word in edgewise, denying you an opportunity to tell him. In print he would be more likely to just forget about you, and move on without him having your phone number (if he has a problem with you being trans).

Quote from: Lady Sarah on June 07, 2017, 09:25:50 PMThe other person needs to know. Otherwise, bad things could happen when he finds out.

Why assume that being outed is a given? 

Quote from: Sophia Sage on June 07, 2017, 09:57:14 PM
Why assume that being outed is a given?

What happens if she has prostate problems? What happens if someone she knows tells him? What happens if he figures it out? If he is a trans-phobe, her life might be in jeopardy.


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For safety i always thought it better to be upfront. I've seen girls end up black and blue trying to deceive men. Very scary. But it's your decision, if you think you are safe not telling them until the 2nd date then go ahead but be careful.

Quote from: Lady Sarah on June 07, 2017, 10:21:28 PMWhat happens if she has prostate problems? What happens if someone she knows tells him? What happens if he figures it out? If he is a trans-phobe, her life might be in jeopardy.

Just the very act of disclosure can be jeopardizing... and then the story can spread like wildfire.  It doesn't make sense to me to be the one to light the match.

If you're being gendered correctly (100% of the time), and "loose lips" have been effectively compartmentalized or excised from your life, and you're completely confident in your own personal truth of being on the binary (as opposed to somewhere outside or in-between) it's very unlikely that anyone new in your life is going to clock you.

In the meantime, a relationship can develop that isn't predicated on a medical history.  It takes time to get to know people.  Time to discover if this is even something worth pursuing on its own merits.  There's a lot of incompatible people out there.  I've dated guys only to realize I wouldn't want to date them again -- whether it's because of politics, or religion, or philosophy, or aesthetics, or that he's just not someone I enjoy having a conversation with.  Or that he's a bigot.  Sometimes it takes several dates to make such discoveries. 

And, conversely, if y'all fall in love, and disclosure happens (by either party), there's a much better chance IMO the relationship won't falter.  A dear friend of mine got outed six months into a love affair -- she never left the city of her birth -- but the world didn't fall apart.  She gave him 1 week to talk about it, and then it was not to be discussed ever again.  He was impressed by the strength of her convictions!  They married within a couple years.  Still together nearly 15 years later. 

I refuse to live my life out of fear.  Instead, I will follow my bliss.

Quote from: Sophia Sage on June 07, 2017, 07:55:35 AM
There's also the option of non-disclosure.  Ever.

I've never told my lovers.  Including my longest relationship, which lasted six years. 

I think this is really dangerous, not only that but I disagree with having a serious relationship with someone you can't be fully honest to. I'm not judging you, just saying I wouldn't do this nor do I think is a good advice. I remember reading a story like 4 or 5 years ago of a woman who was in a 3 year relationship with a guy and somehow he found out about her transgender past (I think it had something to do with her being involved in some sort of investigation and the police bringing up her records, and contacting her boyfriend about it) and beat her up. Violence is never EVER the answer but I can't say I don't understand how someone can be upset if finding out their significant other has been hiding something so important from them for such a long time.

My online dating profiles say I'm a trans woman.  I have had some rude guys that act like I owe them a favor because they are paying me attention and getting attention from a straight man is the Holy grail to existence as a trans women.  I have also had a few guys that are sweet and respectful but disappear when the time to go on a date approaches.  Maybe they aren't so comfortable with my transness afterall?  I am talking to a nice guy right now who is just like "whatever, I like your sense of humor."  Sometime the attitude like they don't seem phased by your being trans is nice.  I'm a normal girl, darn it!