The expression "gender euphoria" has cropped up lately to describe the way some transgender people experience cross-gender expression. People have told me that they have never experienced "gender dysphoria" -- a feeling of intense distress that one's body is not consistent with the gender he or she feels they are. I understand what gender dysphoria (GD) is because I have been battling it most of my life, and still am to some degree. But gender euphoria is still something that escapes me.
Someone put it this way: "I personally feel that my transsexuality is more about feeling uncomfortable being viewed as a man (gender dysphoria) than being happy about being viewed as a woman (gender euphoria)." That's an interesting way to look at the difference, and it kind of makes sense to me. But in my case, I was mainly uncomfortable viewing myself as a man, not necessarily being viewed as one. I identified as a man because I was born male-bodied, and raised as a boy. But I can't say that I felt comfortable in that role, and as time went on my discomfort level rose.
People are surprised when I tell them that I didn't cross-dress. I never experienced the euphoria of seeing myself (or being seen by others) as a woman the way some others do. Donning women's clothes, wearing a wig and makeup seemed pointless, even ludicrous to me. The euphoria that others get from cross-dressing couldn't cancel the gender dysphoria I was feeling. If anything, it would only increase it.
The only way I could escape my male body, if only for brief periods, was to image myself in true female form. From an early age, fantasy was my way of coping with gender dysphoria. It explains why consciously acknowledging my transgender nature and coming out was also seemed pointless. I saw my life becoming only more difficult. Rather, I did all I could to suppress my transgender feelings. I found that distraction through my studies and work was the most effective way to avoid the anxiety and distress that was the manifestation of my gender dysphoria.
When I began to understand that transitioning physically to the opposite sex was possible, and that I had the means to accomplish it, it was the beginning of a new life and the promise of freedom from gender dysphoria. As my physical transformation progressed, there were moments of happiness certainly, but the feeling was more like the relief you feel when pain is taken away. It wasn't the 'euphoria' that comes from flooding the brain with pleasure producing endorphins. It was true happiness.
I know that the origins of my transsexuality are completely biological. I lived a life consistent with the gender I was assigned at birth, I tried but failed to see it through. When the coping strategies failed one by one and I started hormone therapy the effect was immediate and remarkable. Stress and anxiety dropped precipitously. I know how that my brain was not receptive of the male sex hormone testosterone. Testosterone was literally toxic to my brain and major cause of my GD. Estrogen brought me mental peace. I was born neurologically female in an otherwise male body. My only option was to transform my body to match my brain.
It was a confusing time in those early days of transition. I held out hope that just adjusting my body's hormones would be enough, but that hope was quickly dispelled. On estrogen, my body began to change, and my brain started to rewire in hugely significant ways. But estrogen can't turn a man into a woman. Had my fetal brain been properly masculinized, estrogen would have had the opposite effect. For me, though, estrogen activated and nourished my female brain. My true gender identity as a woman emerged, pushing my former male identity into the background. Today, I no longer identify as the person I was. As each day passes, I find it harder and harder to remember what it was like to live as a man. Only the genderless aspects of my personality have carried over to my new life. Gender dysphoria is 95% gone. That's all I need to live a happy life.
