Hello!

This is my first post here, I have a lot of stuff going through my head so this is probably going to become a mix of venting, questions, and advice seeking.  I will try and keep things as coherent as possible!

So a month ago I came out to my wife, the month or so that has followed has been hard, and this week has been a nightmare.  I guess first a little bit of background.  I am 35 AMAB, my wife is 33 and a trans woman.  She had the good fortune to transition 10 years ago, the problem is that this has given her very...narrow view of what it is to be trans or how to transition.

This translates into her having a very hard time being supportive.  Things have gotten a tad better and we have a rough idea of where I want to start, but it feels like tenuous footing right now.  She has a lot of concerns, which is natural, I have a lot of concerns too.  But she also portrays this as being a process that will 100% be miserable and life ruining.  I have been trying to stay positive about it, and I allow for the fact that yes, sometimes bad stuff is going to happen.  But it seems that thinking that every step is going to be a failure before I take it is just a tad too self-defeating.

It also causes her to say some truly awful things when she is in the throes of worry.  She recognizes that it doesn't help and that they are terrible things that she says sometimes, we are both going to therapy right now to deal with all of this.

Her constant questioning is making me doubt myself though.  I think that she is trying to pick through any detail she can find to convince me that I am not trans because she has said that the best thing for her would be if I didn't transition because it's easier.  I have had these feelings on and off since I was 14, I can remember getting online and finding chat rooms where rich guys tried to find stupid kids like me to live with them with promises of helping them transition.  I remember going to bed at night wishing to be a girl when I woke up.

I don't remember exactly what caused me to bottle it up and repress it, but I did and moved on with life until my mid 20's.  This time the internet had gotten more robust and I found message boards and the like and talked with people, I even made an appointment with a therapist.  But in the end I felt that I couldn't do it and that I was being ridiculous, it was never going to work I thought, so why bother trying?  I canceled the appointment and bottled it all up and buried it deep down.

I am sure you can see where this is going, the decade-long cycle returned, except now I am newly married and have someone that I care deeply about.  I have explained all of this to her, but she keeps insisting that she never saw any signs that I was trans.  She pointed to at one point while I still had a beard that I was trying to take better care of it with fancy men's grooming products.  I was sort of surprised that this was her big case, this is the kind of things that unsupporting parents try to say to their children when they come out.  Of course I didn't show any signs, I thought about it but I didn't do anything because I never wanted her to find out.

So with all of this said, even though I think that what I feel is real and valid, her constant suspicion of it is now starting to make me doubt my own feelings.  Is she right, am I just confused about what I want?  I try to visualize what and why this is something I want, and it usually just sort of comes down to "because it feels right/better"  The idea of having breasts make me happy, the idea of not having them makes me unhappy.  This part of it is all new to me because before it seemed like this wasn't an option, but now that it is I have to try and square that with my feelings.  I would think that the fact that this keeps popping up in my life makes it a real and valid thing, that's not a thing that happens to cis people, right?

Her negativity has also made me doubt the fact that I can actually pull it off.  As I said earlier I am 35, I am still somewhat young, but definitely not at the prime age for HRT.  I know HRT can definitely do great things at my age, but I also know it's a complete crapshoot and you don't know how it's going to work until you do it.  She worries that I would never pass, and admittedly that's something I worry about too.  I know that passing is not the end all and be all for transitioning, but I do think its rational to fear that I wouldn't be able to.

I don't know, this ended up being a lot longer than I had intended.  I feel like there were so many other points that I wanted to make, but I can't keep track of all of them in my head right now.  For the moment, I think this is a good starting point though.

Hi, ChloChlo!

Welcome to the site.

The coming out process is hard enough when dealing with a cisgender spouse.  I cannot imagine what this must feel like with a spouse familiar with the process and issues, yet not being accepting, or at least strongly arguing against transition after their experience. 

35 is NOT too old for transition.  The average age for adults seeking to transition seems to be somewhere in the 40s.  (Children, teens, and young adults with minimal time in their assigned gender, especially ones placed on blockers at puberty are a whole other category with very different issues than us older transitioners!). I'm on HRT at age 63, fergoshsakes.

I hope you feel welcome here.

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Quote from: Michelle_P on June 22, 2017, 02:15:08 PM
Hi, ChloChlo!

Welcome to the site.

The coming out process is hard enough when dealing with a cisgender spouse.  I cannot imagine what this must feel like with a spouse familiar with the process and issues, yet not being accepting, or at least strongly arguing against transition after their experience. 

35 is NOT too old for transition.  The average age for adults seeking to transition seems to be somewhere in the 40s.  (Children, teens, and young adults with minimal time in their assigned gender, especially ones placed on blockers at puberty are a whole other category with very different issues than us older transitioners!). I'm on HRT at age 63, fergoshsakes.

I hope you feel welcome here.

A Cautionary Note:
Please try to remember when posting that The Internet Never Forgets, and the various web crawlers and archival sites out there somewhere make sure of this.

This is a public forum. We cannot insure that any information shared on the site will be protected from public view and/or copying or reproduction.  There is no way to guarantee that automated image and writing style analyzers out there won't see and process your post.

Do not share anything on Susan's that you do not want to be public information.


I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to take a look, please take a moment to go through them.

Things that you should read

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar or set a profile picture)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

Hi Michelle, thanks for the welcome! 

It is definitely hard having her not understand, I thought she would have a little more empathy.  She told me she knows that she should, hopefully therapy will help her get there.

Thanks for the kind words, I know that 35 is doable, it's just hard to not let the negativity affect me sometimes.  But I try to stay as positive as I can!

Transitioning is something a person does for themself so they can be as happy as possible. This site is full of people who tried to bury their trans feelings only to have them come back later even stronger.  I wouldn't use passability as a reason not to transition. There are ladies here who transitioned much older than you. Some are in their 60s and the are very passable. I'm not even sure what to think about your wife. For her to say such negative things to you when she has been through it herself is unbelievable.  Are her reasons maybe selfish ones? Maybe she doesn't want to give up her husband and is trying to scare you out of transition?  I can kind of see her point of view. I will admit if my husband/boyfriend came out as trans that would be hard yes. But since I have been through it I would do everything I could to make his transition easier.  In my opinion its the least your wife can do for someone she loves.  But if not you might need to dump her if she keeps trying to block you from transitioning.  It's your life. You can live it for her or you can live it for yourself.

Quote from: Julia1996 on June 22, 2017, 04:31:48 PM
Transitioning is something a person does for themself so they can be as happy as possible. This site is full of people who tried to bury their trans feelings only to have them come back later even stronger.  I wouldn't use passability as a reason not to transition. There are ladies here who transitioned much older than you. Some are in their 60s and the are very passable. I'm not even sure what to think about your wife. For her to say such negative things to you when she has been through it herself is unbelievable.  Are her reasons maybe selfish ones? Maybe she doesn't want to give up her husband and is trying to scare you out of transition?  I can kind of see her point of view. I will admit if my husband/boyfriend came out as trans that would be hard yes. But since I have been through it I would do everything I could to make his transition easier.  In my opinion its the least your wife can do for someone she loves.  But if not you might need to dump her if she keeps trying to block you from transitioning.  It's your life. You can live it for her or you can live it for yourself.

Yes she fully admits that a lot of her reasons are selfish ones.  She has a hard time with her transition and is not eager to experience the ordeals of watching her partner go through them.  While I can sympathize with her, I told her that it may be hard to watch, but I am the one that has to actually experience it.

And yes, she does feel like she would be losing the person she married.  We seem to disagree that I would become a different person, I think some things will change but I am still gonna be who I am as a person, she seems to think it will be far more drastic than that.

But yes, it does sound really bad when it put it all out there, and I didn't even talk about the worst parts of it so I could keep things short!  She knows she is being unsupportive and selfish, to her credit she has never tried to hide that she is completely honest about it, and she doesn't like that she is this way, hence why she is going to therapy.

We texted a little bit today and I told her that I need her to be here for me.  I told her if she can't handle it I understand, I would prefer to live the rest of my life with her but I am not going to force her to be part of something that might be too traumatic for her.  I told her the negativity has got to stop because I already produce enough of it on my own, even when I am trying to stay positive.  I mean heck I was only looking at makeup tips on my lunch break, not that I am anywhere close to that yet, and almost broke down crying from the sheer way that it overwhelmed me. 

I think she is starting to come around a little more.  We aren't completely there yet but we are getting closer to coming ground, it may take a while but I have hope.

I really hope she will become more accepting of the situation and I also hope things get easier for you.

Julia

You'll be fine dear. Age really isn't a factor here.  Sure some effects of life haven't gone so far if you're young, but it also means you haven't lived a lot of life.  I started at 46 and I feel younger now than when I was in my 30s. 

As for you partner....everyone has their own lives and beliefs. But this transition is about you.  Don't forget that. 

I hope things settle down for you. Try to be patient, your partner is processing a lot about you and it will be opening things back up about her own process as well.

It is also very normal for partners to make mistakes during this time.

One night, my partner is petting the dog and says 'I guess all the boys in my life will be neutered now'... I didn't respond although it was rather hard not to as my brain was lit alight.

The next night she makes me a special meal congratulating me on my first night on hormones and a huge hug. No ulterior motive and I doubt she even remembered the comment the night before. I am trying to be patient and not pick out every detail but see the big picture. Are we talking about transition openly and our thought and feelings. Are most of the conversations moving in the right way so we can progress? it isn't easy to know which are the battles we need to have and when I need to let her work things through.

I hope everything works out for you both. 

Quote from: ChloChlo on June 22, 2017, 01:59:51 PM
She worries that I would never pass, and admittedly that's something I worry about too.  I know that passing is not the end all and be all for transitioning, but I do think its rational to fear that I wouldn't be able to.

Passing is not a requirement tho many transgender women think that it is.  That's fine. That's there opinion and they are entitled to it. But if you want to transition you are going to need support.

If she is not offering it then perhaps it's time to reach out to the community and find a good transgender support to find the support you need.

Quote from: Jane Emily on June 24, 2017, 10:39:55 AM
Passing is not a requirement tho many transgender women think that it is.  That's fine. That's there opinion and they are entitled to it. But if you want to transition you are going to need support.

If she is not offering it then perhaps it's time to reach out to the community and find a good transgender support to find the support you need.

I have contacted the local trans support group and plan on attending their next meeting(s)

After I dropped the T-Bomb on my wife, she would often say "No one in their right mind WANTS to be a 50 y/o woman", followed by a long list of reasons why not. All pretty valid. She knew from about day 1, which was some 30 years earlier, of my gender issues. Back then she was also pre-op, now almost 30 years post. Like your wife, she has some "insight" into the harsh realities of transition.

Self doubt about actually "Needing" to transition is a healthy thing. I see the role of a therapist as someone, like your wife, who asks the hard questions, to make you think. Transitioning is.... A life changing event. Like any any other event of such magnitude, something one should not rush into blindly.

I've been told by some how lucky I am that I don't always feel that ever-present need to transition. A need so strong that it consumes your life. A need so strong that you are willing to risk blowing up about every other aspect of your life to accomplish. I've seen these people come to our group meetings. I am lucky. I think. I know, I am generally unwilling to put at risk so many other aspects of myself in the quest to go from feeling 80% genuine to maybe 100%. Provided of course I don't loose big chunks of that 80% in the aftermath of transition

My wife has also often said "Don't, if you don't need to" If part time works, great. If HRT is a soul-saving miracle, great. I see gender as just one of many aspects that make me, Me. Not the only aspect I define myself by. Taking on the Trans-Beast, for real, has also enabled me to learn a lot more about who I am as a person. I define "Transition" just as the dictionary does, to change. I have changed a lot as a person, and some physically. I am still able to manage my GD, have joy in my life, grow as a person, and still live, work, and present primarily as a male. Sort of having my cake and eating it too. Sure, there are the dark times when perhaps a full social transition starts looking like a good way go. Luckily for me the dark times are short, down to just hours for the most part these days.

Only you know, if you are lucky to sort it all out on your own, just what you need to do do to manage your particular flavor of GD. There is no Rule Book, no recipe a person must follow to reach happiness, if ever. Like how many cis people you know who don't complain about their life's?