I went out to lunch with a very good friend today, and ended up spending a few hours drinking margaritas, catching up from the last few months, and laughing a lot. It was wonderful. I was wearing a maxi halter dress, tasteful jewelry, and agonized over my makeup beforehand. The whole time I was out, I felt totally comfortable. We talked about my transition at times, but only as the conversation steered towards it. It was great to just be two girlfriends enjoying each other's company.
Then I got home and I suddenly felt very dysphoric. In a matter of a few minutes, I was feeling sorry for myself, bemoaning how far I have to go, and even thinking that people are just being nice to me but judging me in their head. Essentially, I was threatening to completely ruin all of the good of the afternoon.
Then i was struck by a thought like a rock to the head. I spent my whole 20s being miserable, feeling sorry for myself, wanting to change myself but not knowing how. I can be myself in public at ease now, be more vocal and less awkward, and be even friendlier with strangers and friends than I already was before. The dysphoria isn't going to just go away, so I can either let it bother me, or I can embrace it. Ignoring it isn't going to work either, because it only nags til I give in. If I see or feel or hear myself and have thoughts of fraudulence or embarrassment, I'm going to use this to motivate me even more into becoming Aria. I'm not just gonna live in a vacuum for several years. If I keep longing for the end result, I'm going to be miserable for a long time, and then I might not be able to embrace myself then. I love me as I am today. And right now, that is enough.
Has anyone had similar thoughts/conclusions?
