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Hoping To Learn From Your Insight/Experience

Started by baseballfan, June 19, 2017, 01:25:29 AM

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Julia1996

That's wonderful Jessica. You're on your way.

Hugs
Julia
Julia


Born 1998
Started hrt 2015
SRS done 5/21/2018
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Julia1996

Quote from: tgirlamc on June 19, 2017, 09:00:35 PM
Hey Jessica!!!...

Like Kathy... I met my first transwoman who had been living successfully as she chose to live for 30 years and at that moment I realized... If she can do it... So can I... I moved quickly through the hurdles of transition filled with the energy that is unleashed when a life is finally pointed in the right direction and given permission to move forward!

Onward we go

Ashley :)

I've never met a transwoman or transguy in person yet. But I've really enjoyed meeting all the people here.
Julia
Julia


Born 1998
Started hrt 2015
SRS done 5/21/2018
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baseballfan

Quote from: Julia1996 on June 29, 2017, 08:20:45 PM
That's wonderful Jessica. You're on your way.

Hugs
Julia

Thanks Julia.  I really enjoy your posts and your perspective.
Right now, I only go by Jessica on this forum.  Maybe someday I'll go by Jessica everywhere.
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Another Nikki

I found what Ashley wrote about actually connecting with people to be my truth.  I got honest with myself or came to acceptance last year.  One of the things i realized is that i NEVER had a genuine relationship with anyone, because an essential part of me was deeply hidden.  I was in denial, and i certainly wasn't going to become truly emotionally close to anyone, because they might learn my terrible secret- that deep down i really wished i was female.  So I learned at a young age to put up the wall.

When i came clean with myself, i told my wife (hard but so liberating), then told my sister.  One of the things i told my sister (i told my wife i cd'd early on) is that i never felt i could be close
to her because of my secret.  our connection is now genuine and i feel
closer to her than i have in the 40 preceding years.  last week i told my best friend and told him the same.

time will tell if we remain friends, but as ashley analogizes- it is like climbing a mountain, and some, while well intentioned, cannot continue the journey with us.  i accept i will lose people important to me along the way.  it is painful, but it is honest.

Good luck!
"What you know, you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life—that there is something wrong. You don't know what it is, but it's there like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me."
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Janes Groove

Quote from: baseballfan on June 19, 2017, 01:25:29 AM
One day, in the last couple weeks, I was reading one of these stories (I think it was about Vivienne Ming) and I just had a thought pop into my head "Wait, am I trans?" 



The light bulb moment is quite common for those in our community.  I've always been transgender. I have memories of dressing up when I was 4 and the memory of the feeling I had then is one of absolute joy.  The childhood crossdressing, the years of suppression, beginning with my all male high school days, the adult intense cross dressing.  I can even still remember watching the movie The Crying Game and after watching it I knew deep down that transition was what I needed. That was way back in 1992. Alas, that was a different era. There were no gender therapists, no susans, no youtube, no internet.

But the light bulb went off for me finally the day my parents were finally out of the picture.  That day I realized there were no more obstacles between me and transition and that was the beginning of my transition to female.
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tgirlamg

Quote from: Another Nikki on June 29, 2017, 09:40:14 PM
I found what Ashley wrote about actually connecting with people to be my truth.  I got honest with myself or came to acceptance last year.  One of the things i realized is that i NEVER had a genuine relationship with anyone, because an essential part of me was deeply hidden.  I was in denial, and i certainly wasn't going to become truly emotionally close to anyone, because they might learn my terrible secret- that deep down i really wished i was female.  So I learned at a young age to put up the wall.

When i came clean with myself, i told my wife (hard but so liberating), then told my sister.  One of the things i told my sister (i told my wife i cd'd early on) is that i never felt i could be close
to her because of my secret.  our connection is now genuine and i feel
closer to her than i have in the 40 preceding years.  last week i told my best friend and told him the same.

time will tell if we remain friends, but as ashley analogizes- it is like climbing a mountain, and some, while well intentioned, cannot continue the journey with us.  i accept i will lose people important to me along the way.  it is painful, but it is honest.

Good luck!

Nikki...

I'm so glad you found value in my thoughts and can apply them to the journey you have set in motion.

I hear in your words a mindset that will take you far!!! You will be successful in making your choices work and crafting a life that is finally your own. In many ways, the point you are at now in your mind is the real battle and you have already transitioned to a large degree mentally... The rest is just window dressing and practical application.... Go claim your life sister!!!

Onward we go!!!

Ashley :)

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment" ... Ralph Waldo Emerson 🌸

"The individual has always had to struggle from being overwhelmed by the tribe... But, no price is too high for the privilege of owning yourself" ... Rudyard Kipling 🌸

Let go of the things that no longer serve you... Let go of the pretense of the false persona, it is not you... Let go of the armor that you have worn for a lifetime, to serve the expectations of others and, to protect the woman inside... She needs protection no longer.... She is tired of hiding and more courageous than you know... Let her prove that to you....Let her step out of the dark and feel the light upon her face.... amg🌸

Ashley's Corner: https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247549.0.html 🌻
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Another Nikki

I find the commonality amongst the players on our team so fascinating- i came to the realization that being in denial and in hiding had always been a true relationship barrier before i read anything serious about trans on the internet.  reading your post mentioning almost the exact same sentiment 16 months later was really validating.  I avoided everything trans related online till i came clean with myself.
"What you know, you can't explain, but you feel it. You've felt it your entire life—that there is something wrong. You don't know what it is, but it's there like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me."
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Ryuichi13

#27
First, I'm going to say that I have not read anyone else's responses to your original post, so I have no idea as to what others have said.

Second, in many ways, I can relate. 

I too am relatively comfortable in my own skin, but I have to admit that I still wish I was born male.  My dysphoria is relatively mild in comparison to many others.  I don't mind my breasts, its only been the last few months that I'm kind of like "they're in the way, why must I wear this stupid binder?  I want to go topless like other guys!"  I don't hate them, they're merely annoying. 

As a child I remember being angry at my Mom for being born the wrong gender.  Its one of my earliest memories.  So I did the typical thing, I "out-boy-ed the boys."  I was the fastest kid on the block, was the best at kickball and baseball and was the fastest on bikes and on foot when we raced. 

However, since the end of puberty, I've never really been depressed about being born the wrong gender, its always been more along the lines of "I'm the wrong gender, what can I do about it now?"  So for years, I was androgynous in my clothing choices, opting for jeans, t-shirts and tennis shoes for the most part.  I've always walked like a guy, and some of my mannerisms could be seen as male.  My family has always referred to me as a "tomboy," they were half right.  My Mom would almost always have to beg for me to wear a dress at important family events.  The last time I did was at my younger brother's wedding, over six years ago. 

But then again, I didn't know that I could physically transition until a little over three years ago.  I knew that there were MTFs, but it never occurred to me to look into FTM transitioning.  I accepted this body and simply hoped that in the next incarnation I would be born male. 

I suppose I was lucky in my choice of career.  Being a Paramedic for many years gave me broad shoulders, strong arms and legs, and a broad chest.  "Carrying people for a living" does that to you.  ;)   

So now that my kid is grown, and I am no longer in the work force, I'm transitioning in to the man I should have been.  I've always been happy for the most part, and now that my body's slowly evolving, I'm finally starting to feel truly happy about my physical self. 

I don't really care too much that I have hips, my breasts are merely annoying and prevents me from going topless, and my groin, well, lets say what's going on down there is interesting.  Sure, I'd love to be able to do many of the sexual things that a cis man can do with his groin in order to please my partner, but I make do.

So I suppose what I'm saying is that, "not everyone has soulcrushing, crippling dysphoria about their gender, some of us merely change what we can when given the opportunity."

Ryuichi


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Cheaney

baseballfan,

Thank you for writing this! I have a lot of the same background/story as you. I'm 31, I love baseball and sports in general. I had a lot of the same feelings growing up but my family's religion wouldn't allow me to even think it was an option. I wanted to be a girl but I repressed and stuffed all of those feelings and desires inside and never let them out. And like you I've gotten pretty good at acting as a guy. I played 3 sports in HS and coach 2 of them now(baseball/football). I would have thoughts about what it would be like but I couldn't allow it to be anymore than just a random thought. And of course I couldn't shake the depression and dysphoria that came and went through my life. I never even gave it a thought that it could be gender issues. Well fast forward to about a month ago, I was starting to have back pain and chest pain. I wound up finding out that I have gynecomastia to which I can either have surgery or wear a bra. And once I started trying on bras, it all came out. I haven't been able to not think about being trans or transitioning every single minute of every day. Between my wife and my family(and my job now), I'm highly skeptical that it's going to be accepted. But at the same time, it's feels amazing to even just explore what being my true self could be! I have my first session with a GT coming up next week that I'm so excited for. Like you, I've never told anyone(until now) about this but I don't think I can ignore this anymore!

And you are certainly correct about this forum being a wonderful community to be a part of! First post obviously but have been lurking for a while and the people that make up this community are great! They are so accepting and helpful with supporting others and giving wisdom!

Thank you again to everybody for being so awesome!

Vicki
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Kylo

I was concerned perhaps my feelings didn't warrant transition, because I'd always viewed my dysphoria as a personality defect until I learned more about transsexuality. But then I took an honest and painful look at my life and noted I had never been happy or comfortable, and the prospect of my future granting either of those if I continued along the same path without action was likely 0.0%.

It would have been far more difficult to take the leap if there were aspects of life I was genuinely happy with. I was in no doubt though; it wasn't a recreational feeling or something I could switch on and off. It was a constant problem I had learned to put up with like a suppurating wound.

Some people really do only feel dysphoric occasionally and don't feel the need to transition or make sweeping changes, and that's ok. For others (like myself), it prevents them from living a normal life in a normal way so we might as well try transition before our time runs out.
"If the freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter."
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Kendra

Viktor you described me.  Although we have the opposite gender identity it's like we are identical twins.

Vickie thank you for your post, and congrats on scheduling your first meeting with a gender therapist!  If you also head over to the Introductions section https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html many people will be glad to meet the true you.  Gynecomastia has many causes, but if you have that combined with back pain you may want your hormone levels checked by an endocrinologist.  My natural hormone levels are too low for either gender and I lost 4 inches of height since college.  If I don't do HRT I'll end up in a wheelchair.


Assigned male at birth 1963.  Decided I wanted to be a girl in 1971.  Laser 2014-16, electrolysis 2015-17, HRT 7/2017, GCS 1/2018, VFS 3/2018, FFS 5/2018, Labiaplasty & BA 7/2018. 
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Cheaney

Quote from: Kendra on July 01, 2017, 11:52:04 AM
Viktor you described me.  Although we have the opposite gender identity it's like we are identical twins.

Vickie thank you for your post, and congrats on scheduling your first meeting with a gender therapist!  If you also head over to the Introductions section https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html many people will be glad to meet the true you.  Gynecomastia has many causes, but if you have that combined with back pain you may want your hormone levels checked by an endocrinologist.  My natural hormone levels are too low for either gender and I lost 4 inches of height since college.  If I don't do HRT I'll end up in a wheelchair.

Thanks Kendra!

Oh wow, thanks for the heads up on that! I already had my blood drawn for something else but will check out what my levels are for that as well.
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tgirlamg

Hey VickieBlue!!! ... Welcome to the forum sister and congrats on the step forward next week!!!!

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley :)
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment" ... Ralph Waldo Emerson 🌸

"The individual has always had to struggle from being overwhelmed by the tribe... But, no price is too high for the privilege of owning yourself" ... Rudyard Kipling 🌸

Let go of the things that no longer serve you... Let go of the pretense of the false persona, it is not you... Let go of the armor that you have worn for a lifetime, to serve the expectations of others and, to protect the woman inside... She needs protection no longer.... She is tired of hiding and more courageous than you know... Let her prove that to you....Let her step out of the dark and feel the light upon her face.... amg🌸

Ashley's Corner: https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247549.0.html 🌻
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baseballfan

Quote from: Jane Emily on June 29, 2017, 10:15:51 PM


The light bulb moment is quite common for those in our community.

Thank you for sharing that with me.  I have found my story is a lot more common than I originally thought when I started on this site.  I still don't think I will ever physically transition, but at least coming to terms with it will be a huge positive change for me.
Right now, I only go by Jessica on this forum.  Maybe someday I'll go by Jessica everywhere.
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baseballfan

Quote from: Ryuichi13 on June 30, 2017, 10:00:56 PM
First, I'm going to say that I have not read anyone else's responses to your original post, so I have no idea as to what others have said.......

Hey Ryuichi,

Thanks for your message.  It is kind of comforting to relate to someone who has the same feelings as me, but is going the other way.  What a shame I can't just take those curves off your hands....

I like how you said you "out boy-ed the boys".  I wish you lived in my neighborhood, you would have been fun to hang out with.  Plus my kickball group wasn't very good :)  I went the other way with it.  I have pretty masculine persona.  I wouldn't say I am an alpha male, but my friends and family would certainly be shocked if they knew this side of me.  I have always been very much a dude.

Your story is great.  I  really identify it.  You said, "not everyone has soulcrushing, crippling dysphoria about their gender, some of us merely change what we can when given the opportunity".  Absolutely.  That's great.  Thank you for sharing!!
Right now, I only go by Jessica on this forum.  Maybe someday I'll go by Jessica everywhere.
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baseballfan

Quote from: VickieBlue on July 01, 2017, 12:43:27 AM
baseballfan,

Thank you for writing this! I have a lot of the same background/story as you. I'm 31, I love baseball and sports in general. I had a lot of the same feelings growing up but my family's religion wouldn't allow me to even think it was an option. I wanted to be a girl but I repressed and stuffed all of those feelings and desires inside and never let them out. And like you I've gotten pretty good at acting as a guy. I played 3 sports in HS and coach 2 of them now(baseball/football). I would have thoughts about what it would be like but I couldn't allow it to be anymore than just a random thought. And of course I couldn't shake the depression and dysphoria that came and went through my life. I never even gave it a thought that it could be gender issues. Well fast forward to about a month ago, I was starting to have back pain and chest pain. I wound up finding out that I have gynecomastia to which I can either have surgery or wear a bra. And once I started trying on bras, it all came out. I haven't been able to not think about being trans or transitioning every single minute of every day. Between my wife and my family(and my job now), I'm highly skeptical that it's going to be accepted. But at the same time, it's feels amazing to even just explore what being my true self could be! I have my first session with a GT coming up next week that I'm so excited for. Like you, I've never told anyone(until now) about this but I don't think I can ignore this anymore!

And you are certainly correct about this forum being a wonderful community to be a part of! First post obviously but have been lurking for a while and the people that make up this community are great! They are so accepting and helpful with supporting others and giving wisdom!

Thank you again to everybody for being so awesome!

Vicki

Hey Vicki,

Nice to meet you.  And nice to meet a fellow baseball/sports fan on here!  I can relate to suppressing feelings, as I am sure many on here can.  It is very interesting that you coach high school sports.  The more I read on here the more I think that there have to just be so many closeted trans people everywhere.  It isn't the people you'd suspect.

What a twist the the GC.  I agree that it is exciting just exploring what being your true self could be.  I too have a meeting with a gender therapist next week for my first appointment.  Does your wife know you're going?

-Jessica
Right now, I only go by Jessica on this forum.  Maybe someday I'll go by Jessica everywhere.
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baseballfan

Quote from: Member061817 on July 01, 2017, 03:57:59 PM
I glanced over your post earlier, and then really read through your story in full detail just now.

Yes ... my story is much the same ... perhaps I am a chapter further along in a similar book, maybe ... maybe not.  So for whatever it may be worth to you ... here's how my next chapter went [condensed version  ;)]. 

I too lived a life of secrecy and then eventually reached a point that I sought out someone to be a friend who was trans, someone i could confide in and someone I could ask lots of questions about it who would understand that it were not just idle nosy curiosity but that I needed insight that was difficult to find. 

The more I learned about the many options there are nowadays, the more I realized that I could just take small steps and it were not one big all or nothing decision as to exactly how far I would go or even which of a variety of directions I might go. 

I found out that "the surgery" was not necessarily for everyone the most central aspect of transitioning, and that many do not even go all the way into presenting as female full time. 

I found out that for many the most important aspect is actually the hormones, and this seemed to make sense to me so I got a shrink who is the best in town for this kind of stuff and determined to get on the hormones.  At first my primary wish was only to eliminate the testosterone which I felt clouded my mind, and when I got on spironolactone I found that turned out to be quite true.  I was advised that I should balance that with at least a relatively low addition of estrogen and so started on less than would cause any physical changes but just enough to feel the difference in my head.  That turned out to be a great revelation for me.  I immediately loved the feeling and went back to my doctor for more, which brought me into the zone of beginning transition. 

I am not yet outwardly visibly looking different, but the way I feel is indescribably wonderful.  So now I am growing my hair back out long like it was many years ago (before the demands of career had cut it off).  I am also begun the lengthy process of eliminating facial and body hair which I have always hated being covered with.

The sense of freedom at this point is absolutely incredible. 

I am more alive than I have ever felt before.

It remains to be seen just exactly how far I go with all of this ... maybe androgyny will be my happy zone ... or maybe I will keep going further with transition.  I have a strong feeling that the latter is very likely, but I am just taking this in small steps for now.  From everyone I have listened to for insight and wisdom ... "just take things a step at a time" has consistently been the best advise I have gotten.

If you are looking for a small step to try to see how you feel, first get yourself a good therapist who is a real  expert specializing in gender issues, then maybe low dosage hormone therapy is often a good idea if you are not feeling desperate for total change.  You might be happy to just maintain right there without transitioning ... or you may find that you need to go further.  It all depends upon what you are inside your self and there are no right or wrong answers, which makes it somewhat difficult to find your own way, but discovering whoever/whatever your true self is can be quite the most rewarding adventure you have ever had in your life.

Hey Member061817,

Awesome post.  Thank you so much for the advice.  I am seeing a gender therapist a week from Monday for the first time. 

I have a question for you (or anyone really).  I have seen "low level" hormones get mentioned before.  You say it causes mental changes.  Can you describe the kind of changes you've had?  I didn't really know that was even a thing.
Right now, I only go by Jessica on this forum.  Maybe someday I'll go by Jessica everywhere.
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tgirlamg

#37
Quote from: baseballfan on July 01, 2017, 07:51:24 PM
Hey Member061817,

Awesome post.  Thank you so much for the advice.  I am seeing a gender therapist a week from Monday for the first time. 

I have a question for you (or anyone really).  I have seen "low level" hormones get mentioned before.  You say it causes mental changes.  Can you describe the kind of changes you've had?  I didn't really know that was even a thing.

Hey Jessica,

I guess I qualify as anyone really! :)

So, ... Here we go!....Oh yeah!!!... It's a thing!!! ... I can't speak to the mental changes of low dose because I was always on the full speed ahead approach but the mental changes are very real and started for me very soon into HRT...

My mind felt much more at peace and less cluttered... There was a very real sense of well being like " hey!.. This is how my brain is supposed to work!!!"... My emotions were much more accessible and closer too the surface!... There will be crying but there will be new levels of joy as well

When I do public speaking I use the analogy that running my body on testosterone was like living someplace without much change between the seasons but with estrogen, I felt like I saw all the seasons... Warm summers... Gorgeous Springs... Spectacular yet meloncholy autumns and some cold winter days and nights that make me appreciate the other seasons even more!!!

Experiencing life in all it's glory... The way it was meant to be experienced!

It is an amazing rollercoaster and I am not getting off!!!! :)


Onward we go!!!!

Ashley :)


PS... GO DODGERS!!! :)
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment" ... Ralph Waldo Emerson 🌸

"The individual has always had to struggle from being overwhelmed by the tribe... But, no price is too high for the privilege of owning yourself" ... Rudyard Kipling 🌸

Let go of the things that no longer serve you... Let go of the pretense of the false persona, it is not you... Let go of the armor that you have worn for a lifetime, to serve the expectations of others and, to protect the woman inside... She needs protection no longer.... She is tired of hiding and more courageous than you know... Let her prove that to you....Let her step out of the dark and feel the light upon her face.... amg🌸

Ashley's Corner: https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247549.0.html 🌻
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Cheaney

Quote from: baseballfan on July 01, 2017, 07:46:20 PM
Hey Vicki,

Nice to meet you.  And nice to meet a fellow baseball/sports fan on here!  I can relate to suppressing feelings, as I am sure many on here can.  It is very interesting that you coach high school sports.  The more I read on here the more I think that there have to just be so many closeted trans people everywhere.  It isn't the people you'd suspect.

What a twist the the GC.  I agree that it is exciting just exploring what being your true self could be.  I too have a meeting with a gender therapist next week for my first appointment.  Does your wife know you're going?

-Jessica

Hey Jessica, nice to meet you as well! I don't have enough posts yet to reply for the DM so I'll answer what I can here. My appt. is this upcoming Friday. I'm so excited that I'm nervous for it lol. Yeah, coaching is something that I worry a little bit about when I transition. I'm actually really good at coaching boys and have never coached girls. But coaching males as a female is really rare so I'm thinking I'm going to have to start coaching softball/basketball once I go full time.

My wife knows about the appointment but she doesn't know it's with a GT about TG. I told her about the gyno/wearing bras and she did not react well. She at least has come around where we can talk about it. But she will make snide comments and her body language when she talks about it is not good so I know it bothers her. She did say once that she didn't marry a women when I told her about the gyno. So I'm thinking that whenever I tell her about the TG that I'm pretty much starting my divorce. We don't have kids and she wants them badly so me going on hormones would go over really well even if we stay together. My wife and my conservative, religious family is what really scares me about all of this. But at this point, I've figured out the solution to a lifelong "problem" and I can't act anymore. It breaks my heart for my wife but I just can't live like this anymore.

PS Let's Go Mets. There are some of us Mets fans here in the Midwest but I feel like I never see them around lol.
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Cheaney

Quote from: tgirlamc on July 01, 2017, 01:42:28 PM
Hey VickieBlue!!! ... Welcome to the forum sister and congrats on the step forward next week!!!!

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley :)

Thank you and I enjoy reading your posts Ashley!

Vicki
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