Hi there!

As the title says, I was wondering if you could describe the relief you get after being on HRT?

I started HRT about 6 weeks ago. Initially a very low dose of E then increased after 2 weeks. After 6 weeks I did not feel anything at all. No mental changes and no physical changes. I should mention that my goal is not to transition. I am just looking for that mental relief I keep hearing about.

A couple of days ago, I had a follow up appointment with my endocrinologist. I told him how I wasn't feeling anything yet. He increased my dosage of E. Now I take the oral Estradiol and in addition, I now also apply an estrogen gel to my skin. I think my mind is feeling a little calmer now. I don't feel like screaming and yelling and beating my head against the wall and breaking things out of shear frustration, but I also still feel very much that I want to be female. I don't know if that calmness is the hormones or a placebo effect. The wanting to be female part has not changed. If anything, it has become an even stronger desire. To me, that desire to be female is what I call dysphoria and I thought the hormones were supposed to ease the dysphoria.

Am I misunderstanding something? I would like to hear your experiences.

Jayne

I was an ass pre hrt.  Mopey, cynical, pessimistic, hated people.  I just felt ..........bad.  Hormones made me feel calmer, happier, less aggressive, less sad.  They helped me to go full time.  They helped boost my confidence as a woman to be out about being trans.

Hi Jayme, I don't believe I felt calmness until Spiro started working and reduced T.  However the euphoric feeling with estradiol was immediate for me.  If you aren't in Spiro, maybe investigate?

What I called dysphoria was the feeling of depression, despair, and hopelessness that were leading to a frequent desire to be dead.  HRT cured that.  It did not cure the underlying issue.  If being trans is what I believe it to be, an identity originating in the physicality of the brain, then HRT shouldn't be expected to erase that since it is simply who I was born to be.  What the HRT does is relieve the disconnect of the brain having to reside in a foreign testosterone rich environment.

Once the dysphoria is under control you can think clearly about it all, maybe for the first time ever, and make a rational decision on what to do, or not to do next.

In my opinion then, after seeing it all clearly, is not necessarily to go full transition right away but rather to do what is necessary to reach self actualization.  This is going to be an individual destination that only you can discover for yourself and there is no one right or wrong answer.


Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote

Everyone feels differently. For me prior to E I had low T to begin with. I had mild gynocomastia that grew over several years. I did always have the feeling I should have been female. Always shrugged it off to what is is and that's that. I was a miserable person even when I tried to be happy. Even after meeting my wife and having kids I continued to NEED work to keep myself from being suicidal. My workaholism was my escape. After finally dealing with who I am I felt like transition would be path. For a while when I finally got low dose E I felt like I could continue living as a man on that dosage. Since my T was low, I felt a strange surge of being almost happy about 30 minutes after checking my first E pill. The thing that was my real truth is that I still wanted to transition. The doubts about how my family would be affected was the one reason I had to not transition. I finally came to the conclusion that I could hold off transition but I would not be happy. I would simply continue giving others my priority. I finally decided I had to find happiness in my own being, or I might as well eat that bullet. It has not been easy for myself and my wife. We are managing to get through it. Transition is the only path I can find happiness in myself so it is what I must do.

You must find what you must do for your own internal happiness.

Funny story, actually. First day I got my get, I wasn't expecting to. At the time I was clueless that Planned parenthood did it on informed consent, so I assumed the process of getting on it would be long, drawn out, arduous.

...so when the doc supplied me with my first shot that same day I was beyond exuberant. I tested my partner in the waiting room in all caps, and I was over the moon. When I got out I have them a high five knowing I did it, they had to call me back in to schedule an appointment because I forgot to and was about to leave.


I felt this weird tingly sensation, almost like I was mildly sick or woozy, but it felt good. I guess relief can count as a part of it because in the end I was surprised I could even get so soon, definitely relieved that there was no wait and jumping through hoops for me.

Oh...regarding your situation. Transition takes time, true excitement of starting is just the beginning, but you may have to wait on or work on changes over time before you can get that peace of mind. Pills alone, much like for any mental illness such as gender dysphoria, doesn't work. You need the time to improve and change things so you can't get to a place of feeling more relaxed or relieved

Quote from: Deborah on July 25, 2017, 08:23:13 PM
... after seeing it all clearly, is not necessarily to go full transition right away but rather to do what is necessary to reach self actualization.  This is going to be an individual destination that only you can discover for yourself and there is no one right or wrong answer.

Omg Deborah, I love that^^

Thank you all for your replies. Every day my desire to be female gets stronger. Especially now that I have stopped trying to fight the feeling. I guess relief comes in different forms for each individual. For me, I was hoping that relief would come in the form of the desire to be female being suppressed. I thought hormones would do that.

I have always wanted to be a man and match the body I was born in. That probably sounds backwards to many of you. I suppose I have been too afraid to be the real me. Being a man seemed like the next best thing and by far the easier option as far as the rest of the world is concerned. But I didn't want to be a man that constantly thinks he should be a woman. I just wanted to be a normal cis guy. For some reason I thought a low dose of HRT would give me that or at the very least make it so that I am not unhappy to be male.

If I was still single and in my teens or twenties I think I would be going full steam ahead down the transition path. It is very hard for me to go down that path now. My wife is trying very hard to be supportive of me. I fear transition might be too much for her. I can't handle putting her through that.

Personally, I find E exacerbates the dysphoria if the latter implies a disconnect with your natal body and seeking to be your true self. It brings it up more to the surface and it's harder to fight it. Progesterone, on the other hand, calms it, shuts it up for awhile. I guess anti-androgens can do the same because probably either T or E work the same way, they bring things up to the surface so anti-androgen = less T.

That's how I see it and if you are truly ready to be you and you are at peace with this, then E will feel good to you. E is a gauge of how ready you are, I think...

I think that the hormones might finally be having some effect on my mind. Since I started using the estrogen gel a few days ago (in addition to the pills), I thought that I might have felt something different, but I didn't want to get too excited right away. I wanted to make sure it wasn't some kind of placebo effect or just my imagination.

What I am feeling is a sense of calm and clearer thinking. I don't seem to get as angry at other drivers on the road. (Anyone who has driven in Sydney traffic would know what I mean about bad drivers). It feels like a fog is lifting and the world is becoming a little brighter. What has not changed is the desire to be female. That seems as strong as it has ever been.

I think Deborah described it perfectly. I can very much relate to those words.

Quote from: Deborah on July 25, 2017, 08:23:13 PM
What I called dysphoria was the feeling of depression, despair, and hopelessness that were leading to a frequent desire to be dead.  HRT cured that.  It did not cure the underlying issue.  If being trans is what I believe it to be, an identity originating in the physicality of the brain, then HRT shouldn't be expected to erase that since it is simply who I was born to be.  What the HRT does is relieve the disconnect of the brain having to reside in a foreign testosterone rich environment.

Once the dysphoria is under control you can think clearly about it all, maybe for the first time ever, and make a rational decision on what to do, or not to do next.

Something strange also happened this morning at work. I went to the bathroom and I looked in the mirror as I was washing my hands and I almost liked what I saw. It was a foreign feeling for me, but a feeling I can get used to. I saw my therapist yesterday for the first time in about 4 weeks and she said that my face looks a little different. My endocrinologist said the same thing when I saw him a few days ago. I have not noticed anything and neither has my wife, but I see myself everyday. However, this morning in the mirror, I might have seen a tiny difference in my face and I liked what I saw.

If I still had any remaining doubts as to whether or not I am trans, they are now all gone. I am trans and I am very proud that I can admit it and just be myself.

Jayne

HRT may not totally resolve all that you feel however getting some of it under control will be a big help. In my case, I had social dysphoria and RLE helped control much of what I felt. Unlike you, my HRT treatment wasn't strong enough to knock down the chemical controlled portion of my  dysphoria so before surgery, I still had to deal with that.

The fog lifting and the world becoming brighter are common descriptions I have seen others on the site post so I suspect it's not a placebo effect. Besides that, if it was a placebo effect, you  should have felt it before your dosage was bumped up. The next couple of weeks should have you feeling the full effect of the treatment so keep us posted.

I am feeling a little better each day. It may not all be due to the hormones. I am also making good progress in my own self acceptance with my therapy. I think the combined effect of the hormones and therapy is giving me this good feeling I am having.

I will keep you updated over the next couple of weeks. I really hope this continues and I don't end up having another of my usual meltdowns that have always followed after I feel really good. This time is a little different. This time I am on HRT, so maybe that is what was missing the other times I crashed and burned.

Glad to hear Jayne. 

I'm 2 weeks in on low dose HRT and have felt a whole host of mental/physical effects; I'm stuck in stop-and-go traffic right now and couldn't care less, for instance.  Before I would have been drumming fingers on the steering wheel, etc.  I'm sure other media can put you at ease in a similar fashion, but I also feel beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm female, and much much much more better about doing something about it.

Last night I had a dream that I still remember in vivid detail.  That hasn't happened in more than 20 years.

Quote from: Jayne01 on July 25, 2017, 05:35:11 PM
As the title says, I was wondering if you could describe the relief you get after being on HRT?

I started HRT about 6 weeks ago. Initially a very low dose of E then increased after 2 weeks. After 6 weeks I did not feel anything at all. No mental changes and no physical changes. I should mention that my goal is not to transition. I am just looking for that mental relief I keep hearing about.

Jayne - I've been intending to respond to your question since you started this thread and just now getting around to it. Even though I'm eight months in HT on transition dosages, I really can't say that I've experienced any "mental" relief or changes. In that respect, it seems that I'm an outlier in the YMMV aspect of HRT. Like you, I've seen many others gush about the near immediate relief of anxiety being replaced by calmness, or something to that effect. For me, that just didn't happen.

I will say that I've certainly seen a drop in libido and a diminishing need for sexual release. I suppose if you consider that to be a "mental" change, then I've experienced that. However, I consider it to be more of a physiological change, and I guess that could be open for debate.

Just my 2¢ worth. I see that you later noticed some change or improvement, and I do hope that your able to get satisfaction with your HRT however you pursue it. Please do keep us posted.

Quote from: Dena on July 26, 2017, 03:45:16 PM
HRT may not totally resolve all that you feel however getting some of it under control will be a big help. In my case, I had social dysphoria and RLE helped control much of what I felt. Unlike you, my HRT treatment wasn't strong enough to knock down the chemical controlled portion of my  dysphoria so before surgery, I still had to deal with that.

Dena - As I mentioned in the other thread, this comment about your RLE gave me a little different perspective. As I noted elsewhere, I had approximately two years RLE and eight years of low dose spiro before getting the approval to begin HRT. Perhaps those two factors were enough to quell and even forget the feelings that others may seek to relieve. Indeed, I remember my therapist's letter of recommendation saying that "she's already living largely as desired." Maybe my expectations were just too high.

All the best,
--AshleyP

Hi AshleyP, thank you for your response. One thing that I am slowly learning is that we are all very different. We each have different expectations of what we desire and expect from HRT. We all have our own unique physiologies. So it is logical that we will each be affected differently by HRT.

My idea of relief could be very different to your idea of relief or the next persons. One positive that I am getting from this whole trans experience is learning to better relate to and understand other people and to appreciate and respect everyone's own individuality.

At some point before any medical intervention, I made a scale to measure my distress and document in my journal. I would never call it depression or hopelessness. For me it was a physical distress that existed in different levels of intensity:

1 - I can't believe I ever felt that way. That's stupid. I'm cured! The world is clear, the fog is gone, harmony, no dissonance (happens after sex)
2 - Not thinking about it at all, when I do I'm indifferent.
3 - Its there, but in the background. If I think about it, like white noise hissing faintly in my ears.
4 - Occasionally in the foreground, but I can push it to the background.
5 - In the foreground, but I can work through it. A little edgy.
6 - Occasionally distracting, but if I focus on something else, I can ignore it. Fairly edgy.
7 - Distracting. I want to do something. I feel compelled, but sometimes I can get through it.
8 - I need to cope. My 'bright passenger' needs attention.
9 - Nothing else matters. I HAVE to do something. I can't concentrate. Almost debilitating. I'll find anything to cope. I can barely fake normalcy.
10 - Completely debilitated.

I was journaling leading up to HRT. I was usually in the 4-7 range, but 8 or 9 wasn't uncommon. When I started spiro, it pretty quickly dropped to the 2-5 range. When I started estradiol, it disappeared entirely.

Later, I began to deal with a different issue, identity. It never resulted in me having to dress. It was just this dissonance between who I was inside and outside. It always felt mental, never physical. But it was still debilitating. That only went away as soon as I was living full time.

Here's my journal entry the day I started estrogen. I honestly don't believe it affected me this fast. BUT - the physical distress NEVER came back and this feeling just continued.

November 25, 2014
5:00am (2) I'm anxious but for different reasons. What's going to happen? Am I making mistake? Don't know. But I know I want to move forward.

8:00am (2) My first dose of estradiol. It melts quickly under my tongue. What happens next? How long do I have to wait? When will I feel better? Lots of questions swirling in my head.

9:00 (2) Feeling really good. Able to concentrate, able to focus. Feeling pretty good.

2:000p (0) I am buzzing. I'm smiling while sitting at my desk. I feel warm inside. Like I'm glowing. A veil has been lifted. The fog is gone. I actually tear up while sitting at my desk. I share all of this with Tina (my wife).

Emotionally, its as though some of the emotions are slipping through my grasp. I'm showing joy without being able to completely control it. It feels good, but very different. Is this a placebo effect? If it is, I want more placebos. If it isn't, wow. I have one of my most productive afternoons in a long time.

When writing a note to Jessica (employee I manage) about her upcoming maternity leave, I feel somehow a bit more empathetic. Probably makes no sense, but I feel really good about the email I wrote to her. The world is brighter.

4:00p (0) I have this urge to tell someone. Should I tell my admin Ashley? She's going to have to work with me and if my emotions are like today, she's going to notice. Or maybe I need to tell HR. In the end I don't do anything, but I am a bit fearful that the emotions are coloring my judgment a bit about this. I'm going to have to lean on Tina.

5:30p (1) Not buzzing anymore but still feeling good. I take the other half of my daily dose. I wonder how I'll feel the rest of the evening.

Off to get Abbey (daughter) .

Hi Debbie, thank you for sharing that information. Your distress scale is quite comprehensive, I like it. I tried to keep a journal of sorts about a year ago. I wasn't very good at it. I also used a scale of 1-10 for my distress level but I didn't have a detailed explanation for each number. It was just the number where 1 was very good and 10 was very distressed. I gave up on the journal.

It may be my imagination but I am getting the feeling that the people that feel relief very quickly after starting HRT are the ones who have a reasonably solid understanding and acceptance of who they are. The HRT is the. Ext step on their journey and once commenced gives them relief very quickly.

I was a bit different in that I did not fully accept myself. When I started HRT, my expectations were to hope for the dysphoria to go away and somehow "magically" make me feel like a cis guy. Unrealistic expectations. I am however feeling good about myself. Deep down I feel like I need to be female and that I would need to transition at some stage. I hope that feeling does not consume me, for my wife's sake.

Jayne

Being on HRT has made me less anxious on my everyday life.  I feel like it has definitely helped in that regard.  I still have a ways to go though.  But this is a marathon not a sprint.