Quote from: Jayne01 on July 27, 2017, 12:09:24 AM
Hi Debbie, thank you for sharing that information. Your distress scale is quite comprehensive, I like it. I tried to keep a journal of sorts about a year ago. I wasn't very good at it. I also used a scale of 1-10 for my distress level but I didn't have a detailed explanation for each number. It was just the number where 1 was very good and 10 was very distressed. I gave up on the journal.

It may be my imagination but I am getting the feeling that the people that feel relief very quickly after starting HRT are the ones who have a reasonably solid understanding and acceptance of who they are. The HRT is the. Ext step on their journey and once commenced gives them relief very quickly.

I was a bit different in that I did not fully accept myself. When I started HRT, my expectations were to hope for the dysphoria to go away and somehow "magically" make me feel like a cis guy. Unrealistic expectations. I am however feeling good about myself. Deep down I feel like I need to be female and that I would need to transition at some stage. I hope that feeling does not consume me, for my wife's sake.

Jayne

That's a great observation.  Gender Dysphoria has so many side effects.

I'd spent the previous decade plus trying to get healthy without meds. The result was that I had gotten a lot of the other junk out of my life and all that I had left was the chemistry problem.

i was a very reluctant traveler down this path. I loved my old life circumstances. I didn't want to upset them. So I fought really hard against going down this path.


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Quote from: debrferguson on July 27, 2017, 08:50:50 AM
...

i was a very reluctant traveler down this path. I loved my old life circumstances. I didn't want to upset them. So I fought really hard against going down this path.

Very well put. That is exactly how I felt

Oh CRAP!!!!!!

I woke up feeling ok this morning. Well as ok as one can feel getting up at 3:20am to go to work. However, as the day is progressing I am starting to feel like I am going back to the way I felt before increasing my hormone dosage. I am worried that the good feeling I was experiencing for the last couple of days was not because of the hormones but more likely a placebo effect due to me getting my hopes up that the increased dosage would make me feel better.

This constant up and down in my emotions is driving me crazy!

Aaaaarrrrgghhh!!!!

Jayne

Jayne, sorry to hear that.  Others here have far more knowledge than I do, but I am hoping your good feelings come back and remain that way.  Maybe your free hormone levels are fluctuating as your body adapts?

I just started MTF HRT with a fairly high E-only prescription (several of my natural pre-HRT hormones were pretty far under minimum) and have had an amazing positive emotional experience so far.  I am also afraid of a placebo effect.  When I noticed quite a change to visual perception I wasn't 100% sure, but then noticed all my senses have changed - especially perception of smell/taste. 

I suspect that anything you feel during the first weeks of HRT is placebo effect.  Over time, I think calmness and increased emotional range are pretty common.  I knew that HRT was making a difference for me 3-4 months in, when I felt like I no longer needed my antidepressants.

Quote from: Kendra on July 27, 2017, 04:54:51 PM
I am also afraid of a placebo effect. 

Why be afraid of it?  If you feel good, you feel good.

What I worry when people say that they felt different 20 minutes after taking their first dose is that others who come along and don't feel different in 20 minutes begin to think that there is something wrong with them.  It takes years for hormones to shape the thought patterns of natal females.  Don't be surprised if it takes you just as long.

My E only prescription is now quite high. At my last blood test, the dr told me my E levels had increased to approx mid cycle levels for a cis female. That was a result of the lower dose HRT I was on. Now I am on a higher dose and also the gel is supposed to be more efficiently absorbed than the pills. So I am expecting a more significant change in my levels with my current prescription.

Maybe today is just a normal day where I don't feel 100%. Everyone goes through normal ups and downs from day to day. I will try to stay positive. The last few days have been too good for me to throw away by getting myself too depressed today.

For my case I am afraid of it being a placebo effect but I don't think it is.  I did think I felt something under one breast far too quickly (but damn something did feel physically different there), and that was probably placebo-ish.  But I believe the emotional positive I am experiencing in just 3 days (some of it startled me within 24 hours of beginning) is very real.  I have a rather long-winded post elsewhere in this forum with details from my past few days. 

I don't know if this is due to E bringing hormone levels more closely matching the way my brain needs to be, or if I was depressed for several years or decades and HRT is directly tackling that.  What I do know is I love what I am feeling.

Quote from: Kendra on July 27, 2017, 05:45:26 PM
... What I do know is I love what I am feeling.

Kendra, I agree with you. Today I am actually now enjoying that I am not feeling 100%. I feel like a normal person. The high I was on the last couple of days was great, but feeling a little down today and actually being able to accept it and embrace the feeling as a normal human experience is almost indescribable. I feel like a real human. Someone that belongs here on earth, in society, rather than the alien feeling I have known in the past. I am happy to be sad!!! I never thought a statement like that would ever make sense to me, but it makes sense to me now.

Quote from: Kendra on July 27, 2017, 05:45:26 PM
For my case I am afraid of it being a placebo effect but I don't think it is.  I did think I felt something under one breast far too quickly (but damn something did feel physically different there), and that was probably placebo-ish.  But I believe the emotional positive I am experiencing in just 3 days (some of it startled me within 24 hours of beginning) is very real.  I have a rather long-winded post elsewhere in this forum with details from my past few days. 

I found that the physical changes were very rapid in onset--pain in the breasts at about 10 days.  It's the mental/emotional stuff that is always influenced by zillions of factors, most of which we are not even conscious of, that takes a bit longer.

Just entering my second week, I get there occasional tingly sensation in nipples, based on googling it seems to be a lower dose, but still a transition dose. I'm on Spiro and IM injection, which was significantly less painful than expected, I can do it myself and I'm not exactly a fan of needles.

My skin immediately dried out as well, to the point that lotion is a necessity, at least on the hands. I feel like my hair is not as greasy at the end of the day either. The mental effects... A big dumb smile for no apparent reason and I can suddenly talk to people without being self conscious. The dry skin seems to be the Spiro, the mental is definitely the estrogen. It lost efficacy towards the end of the week, and picked right up again when I gave myself another shot. I'll talk to the Endo about that drop off, maybe there's something she can do to take the edge off it, if not an increased dose.

It can take several doses before your levels stabilize.

I am starting to believe that the hormones are not doing a damn thing for me and that any minor effect I thought I might have felt in the last couple of days was just my imagination. Maybe I just have my expectations set to high. Right now, I can honestly say that I don't feel any different to before starting HRT. The good feeling I have had the last few days could easily be explained by me trying to change my way of thinking so that I don't get as easily depressed. I really don't know what is going on. From what I have read on other websites, I seem to be on a fairly high dose of estrogen now, yet I am feeling no changes.

The last few days I have been trying hard to remain positive, but it is getting old. It should not have to be such a big effort to just be able to enjoy life from day to day. I am starting to once again have thoughts wish I did not exist. I am not suicidal. I am not about to go kill myself, but if I somehow just got wiped off the face of the earth, well that would not be a bad thing.

Feeling this way just isn't right.

I suspect your Endo isn't finished with adjusting your medication. Hormones aren't going to make you feel joyful but the goal here is to make you comfortable with yourself. As I said, your testosterone is still in the male range as of the last test. How much more estrogen will pull that number down over time is yet to be determined. An additional issue is that I don't expect emotional changes until 2-4 weeks have passed after a dosage change. Stay with us and give it a little more time.

Dena made a good point that is my experience also.  HRT did not make me feel happy, it made me feel normal.  Feeling normal, and not disjointed, then made feeling happy easier and last longer when I was doing things I liked or when nice things happened.  This was due to that constant voice telling me that things were wrong being silenced.  However bad days still happen and I occasionally still get mad.  These days just don't happen as often and when they do they're not nearly as bad as before.


Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote

Since starting my journey in 2004 and taking my first estrogen tablet the evening of March 31, 2004, I never really felt any different except that, over time, the physical changes resulting from HRT helped me pass and blend in society as a woman, helped me feel me more comfortable in my skin and made life not only more bearable but intensely joyful at times. Hormones are not a magic wand, you will continue feeling bad, sometimes, sad, angry, etc but if you truly feel you are a woman, this journey will definitely be worthwhile. Give it time, you'll see You just started! LOL.

Thanks you. I'm not going anywhere. I intend to keep sticking around. I'm just getting confused with the ups and downs. I was starting to feel good about myself briefly then I went back to feeling the way I did before. For a few days I had a taste of what it may be like to feel normal for once in my life, even when I was feeling a little down one of the days, I was able to embrace that feeling. Then the next day it felt as though it all got ripped away from me. Like I am being punished for feeling normal.

I don't know if I will be able to just be on hormones without transitioning. I am having electrolysis done in my face and I shave my body hair, but that is it. Maybe I need more. This waiting is very hard.

I know the waiting is hard but before you know it, your dream will become reality, time flies by, trust me! You're doing something, moving forward so be happy about that.

Quote from: Deborah on July 29, 2017, 09:54:31 AM
Dena made a good point that is my experience also.  HRT did not make me feel happy, it made me feel normal.  Feeling normal, and not disjointed, then made feeling happy easier and last longer when I was doing things I liked or when nice things happened.  This was due to that constant voice telling me that things were wrong being silenced.  However bad days still happen and I occasionally still get mad.  These days just don't happen as often and when they do they're not nearly as bad as before.


Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote

Yeah  this.  Not constantly thinking about what I'm supposed to be.  And the bad days are fewer and tempered by knowing I'm on my way.

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Quote from: TonyaW on July 29, 2017, 02:15:16 PM
.... Not constantly thinking about what I'm supposed to be. 

I don't know what that feels like. I am constantly having thoughts, 24/7, thinking "I'm a guy", "I'm a girl", "I'm a guy", "I'm a girl"........ and on and on it goes. It's relentless. There is no peace inside my head. The wheels are constantly turning trying to figure out what I am supposed to be doing. I've had enough. I just want it all to STOP!!!

Do many people here speak of the joy and relief they get once they start hormones. They remember the time and date they took their first dose. It makes me so envious. I only started about 7 weeks ago but I had to look at my calendar to see when I had my appointment with the endocrinologist. That was the day I started. It was a non event for me, like taking an aspirin tablet. Only difference being that an aspirin actually has some kind of effect by reducing a headache. The hormones are doing nothing at all. It doesn't make any sense, my body is absorbing the hormones. My blood levels are showing a significant change. Why am I not feeling some peace and relief? Perhaps I'm not trans and I have some mental illness instead. I just want some peace.......