Hi, everyone. This is my first post here (or anywhere such as this). Sorry this is so incredibly long. Here's my story:
My name is Rachel. When I was a kid, my mom once told me that if I was born a girl they would have named me Rachel. Made it easy to pick a name, right?
I'm in my forties. I live in western Washington State. I was AMAB, and almost all of my friends and family believe I'm 100% male. I have a great wife and an amazing 2 year old daughter.
I'm pretty sure that I'm a girl, despite my very male physical form. I've felt this way my whole life to one extent or another, but have suppressed it. My feminine expression has been relegated to the closet (and mostly still is). I've always been so scared of outing myself that my personality has developed around that. I'm AWESOME at keeping secrets, and I'm very used to being a boy and keeping everyone around me comfortable in their assumptions about my maleness (and TBH I do have some masculine traits - don't we all?).
I made sure to come clean about my feminine proclivities to my wife once we started seriously dating, all those years ago now. She's always been accepting of it on the surface, but I don't think she's exactly thrilled about it. So, I've continued to keep Rachel safely tucked away in the closet (so to speak).
Over the decades, my feminine expression has waxed and waned in many of the ways that seem typical:
Trying on mom's things during puberty - while being DEATHLY afraid of being discovered; digging deep to generate the massive courage it took to wander into the women's section at the department store; sneaking pantyhose in with all the other groceries and hoping the clerk won't say anything; tolerating the times when the clerk DID say something; discovering how amazing it is to have shaved legs; being very anxious about anyone noticing my legs are shaved; wearing pantyhose to work under my slacks; purging; re-buying everything; purging again; wondering why I am this way; buying a wig; occasionally researching my 'condition' without actually talking to anyone about it; buying my first breast forms (recently), etc... Wow, I've been at this a long time!
Not coincidentally, I've been battling depression for my entire adult life.
Here's where it gets interesting:
Over the past couple years, something fundamental has shifted in my psyche. It was subtle at first, but has snowballed steadily ever since. Maybe it's just part of the onset of middle age, I dunno! My 'indulgences' for Rachel have increased in frequency and intensity. My last haircut was a year and a half ago. I've been accumulating more clothing than ever. I've been changing into girl mode in my car on the way to work, taking selfies then changing back once I'm almost to the office. I've become more and more brazen in my gender-bending, gradually blending more and more women's clothing into my daily wardrobe. My coworkers haven't said anything yet, so I persist! I'm really enjoying that.
The major part of the shift started a few months ago, when without thinking about it too much, I did some online searching and found myself a therapist. Not specifically a gender therapist, but I did make sure that 'gender issues' was one of the bullet points in her profile. In just a few short months, she has already changed my life! I've never had anyone be such an advocate for Rachel, urging me to find and become my true self. I'm learning to embrace Rachel in a much more accepting way, without so much of the negative baggage that I've made her carry around for decades. I may soon be quitting my daily anti-depressants!
It's been an amazing season of my life. Well, mostly. My wife wasn't prepared for all this. What she understood to be just a harmless fetish had somehow morphed into something much larger and scarier. I don't seriously think I will ever transition, but she has definite fears about that - especially since I cannot 100% swear that I never will. She never wanted or intended to have a wife, and I won't fault her for that. Still, she is talking to her therapist, as well as some select extended family members about all this and it's helping. We also have couples counseling coming up in our near future. Mostly, we make sure to keep talking. I haven't been exposing her to Rachel too much yet, but I think we'll get there soon. There is a lot of scary stuff to work on, but I think we are doing the right things.
I still have a very long way to go - I'm just not sure how far that will be. I still have never been in any social situations in girl mode, but the need for it has greatly intensified. My wife and I are registered to attend the Gender Odyssey conference in Seattle at the end of August. That will likely be my first time officially OUT as Rachel. I'm excited and scared to death, but mostly excited. My wife will help with my makeup, so that will help!
I'm not entirely sure who my true self is supposed to be, but I intend to find out. This is where this forum comes in - it's part of the forward progress. I need to find like-minded and supportive individuals with whom I can share this stuff. I have not been able to make that happen locally yet, but fortunately there are nice communities on the internet such as this one. I look forward to being a part of it! If you've read this far, you deserve a cookie or a nice new dress.
