Well I met with my srs surgeon again for the first time since the cancer thing. Her team won't do phalloplasty until I've had a year with scans free of cancer. I am at high risk of recurrence so now I feel defeated and hopeless. I am afraid that I will never be able to have my surgery. I was not very dysphoric before but now I am. My life without having a penis is impossible to be happy with. I hear about other guys booking their phallo and I just feel even worse about myself.

I am going to consult with other surgeons but I am scared they will either say the same or flat out refuse to do it all because of the wound healing issue with a potential cancer treatment. I do not feel whole anymore. I don't feel confortable with my body. I don't feel comfortable dating a woman even if she knows. I don't feel comfortable sexually. I am scared this will be my life however long or not it may be due to cancer.