Hi
My name is Kate, or Katie to you lot – Hugz.

      MOD please check this as I'm not used to posting this stuff..

I'm 55, married 25 years, children (2 boys) in process of going to Uni.
Looking back, I can recognise that have been transgender for at least 48 years, maybe 56.., but due to circumstances it (me) has been beaten down, hidden and betrayed by me all that time.
Well almost, I have started counselling last month, which took so much courage, and also more importantly came out to my wife at the start of the year.
This has been the best year of my life bar none. Bar none.
Totally and utterly starting on my journey, where it goes no one knows but I will take small steps and relish every part of finally growing up. I have a lot of internal barriers and issues o sort out.
I'm Cancerian (astrological sign) and have (had) a hard cis male shell which has finally broken and I am starting to see my true identity with help from my lovely counsellor. 
Bit of history - My best friend when I was very young – up to 6yrs was my next door neighbours daughter of the same age and we were absolutely inseparable for 3-4 years (stealing milk off doorsteps and running away and hiding, giggling together I am told).
Then we moved away to a relatively remote house and I lost contact with my best friend Sally-Anne.
With my family, my brothers and Dad are Ώ' types – Rugby 1st Division, business leaders etc etc, so my childhood was mainly female free much to my horror. I hated that time, and as I attended a single sex male school, I withdrew even more into my shell. I ended up  stealing female and theatrical clothing, from various sources, as that was the only non-motherly female clothes/contact I really had. I have cross-dressed since about 7/8 years old, obviously not fully but whenever I could. Eventually (as I was good looking apparently) had GFs but never really bonded on the BF/GF side, but also not interested in boys either. Sort of Asexual-ish from the start.
Failed school exams a couple of time but eventually got into University where I was so isolated (early 1980s) with no cash and a so introverted head unable to truly concentrate. I later understood a lot of this to be GD related issues, as I slept as a girl every night (nightwear and dreams) and hated waking up (reality). I got to the stage of OD on Alcohol and paracetamol, but nature and a weak stomach saved me and I was basically off Uni for 4-6 weeks each time and failed that year when I was capable of easily passing it.
However, I dropped to a lower course and aced that (97% in final exams), as the experience of those times being ill and the associated pain has meant that I will never reconsider that sort of action again.
I have spent the last 30 years running from my GD, working by day, studying by night (I have taken Degrees and diplomas at 2 more Uni's since), doing macho stuff where I don't have time to think – Motorcycle riding for long periods (10-12 hrs Sat and Sun etc), rebuilding Motorcycles etc etc.
I have never had a waking minute outside of these intense activities when my GD has not made me think about something female or gender related. My dreams were the best, but I never liked waking up to reality. I ended up drinking a lot so I wouldn't dream or remember anyway.

Reality bites some times, and bites hard.

Fortunately, I met by wife at work and totally fell in love with her immediately (I always was a soft romantic type), chasing her until she conceded. Drinking stopped (well not all of it, back to social drinking and not ½ bottles of whisky a night..), kids arrived (That was difficult and took a long time, fertility tests etc, which were not good from my side it seems).
I never stopped CD however, taking every chance and feeling so very very guilty every time, and ashamed as if I was letting everyone I loved down.
Internalising GD hurts so much. Too much. Too often.
So 25 years of marriage, getting along, loving my wife as she is such an angel.
Until 7 years ago – Long hours at work desk (14+) led to a DVT, and Pulmonary Embolisms, should have killed me. 17 blood clots through heart into lungs and when Paramed's got to me I had a heart beat of 23 ('Gemini' heartbeat apparently, look it up...). Should have died there and then but thankfully I held on for the next few weeks until the clots stabilised. But I grew quite sour and bitter over the next years, realising the chances I squandered for getting to be me or getting close to really being me had been lost and gone. This really affected my relationship with my one really true soul mate, as I was getting to be very nasty and truly horrible to my whole family, until after many close separation calls we had a 'blackhole' 121 , all or nothing.
I bared my soul and I talked for the first time to anyone apart from God (I asked many times to be changed) about my thinking/knowing I was GD. I talked for an hour+ non-stop about my whole life, deeply and truly, leaving no dark or light space untouched. I didn't cover everything.... but the main highlights.. need many epics to cover that.
...
She was appalled of the self-oppression and internalisations I had had to make (and a lot of other things that happened along the way), and we talked over the next few weeks as to what I and we could do to make my real life  happy. She said I must talk to someone who know about this stuff, but I couldn't (I'm even more a coward to admit some things to myself sometimes). She agreed I could cross-dress minimally as boys were still at home atm, and that when kids left I could do that after work in the house all the time but I would need to take on female duties properly to help her. Any further than that and it was divorce as she couldn't be married to another woman, and would need to see who she married often as well. She would still be a very good friend whatever happens, Thank god, and she would never loose contact. My life was so much better from then just knowing she supported me somewhat.
Since then;
1.   I spend too much money on female clothes...
2.   She hates me as I get into smaller sizes....
3.   I have lost 3 stone, 17KG etc but need to lose the same again
4.   I have self-med low doses of HRT and OMG, I am so focussed and alive now.. (I don't advise but I'm on Warfarin and have regular INR and BP tests so some supervision) – MOD delete this if you need to.... I want to get on low dose HRT  formally (if I can)
5.   I have talked to my eldest son about this in general terms and as he has done Sexual/Gender Psychology at higher level in school he understands but would still prefer a dad as opposed another Mum (he's A- male as well...). My younger son confided to me he thinks he's Gay and is OK with me anyway but not yet as he's still in school  final year.... and doesn't know
6.   We have decorated my bedroom (we sleep apart as she/or me snore...) Pink Purples and girly stuff, we are currently doing her bedroom out in more opulent girly stuff...
7.   We shop about every fortnight and she buys me some clothes (cheap stuff but Im not complaining)
8.   We go to cinema and meals together more
9.   We talk more
10.   We argue much much less.
11.   I love her more

12.I'm 5 foot 11 , 198 lb, fat  and serious about all of this.

So – Personally my stars say I'm a wanderer, so my journey will never be complete but I will always follow it, and this time I want to enjoy it, and I am so far. Far to go. help me.
Finally, I have been reading this forum for several years and hope my little Epic load of drivel is OK – Its been a long time but I am so, so glad and happy to join you girls 😊. Speak soon. Paid contribution as soon as I joined -please do girls as it really helps so many others that you never hear from. XOX Katie T

Katie here's a warm welcome to Susan's Place, thank you for joining!

And Thank You for starting right off with a donation.  I have also chipped in and my reasoning is easy - our donations here have great leverage by helping this place's continued availability for everyone, myself included.  Very high value, yet a tiny fraction of the total cost of transition.

I am MTF, mid 50s and can relate to much of what you wrote.  I made a mess in my past with alcohol, too much of the wrong food and other habits because I didn't like myself.  I did get control of that and I now understand the underlying cause.  I also worked ridiculous hours in the past, sometimes as a distraction.

My marriage ended 18 years ago for different reasons but definitely wouldn't have survived transition.  Sounds like your wife has the potential to accept some or potentially all of you - or as you said at least remain great friends.  And you can get great hand-me-down clothes now that you're being true about yourself. But seriously if you love her more now, that might end up becoming a mutual statement with enough time.  And it's awesome you have understanding children.  Many things are in your favor.

You hinted this site does not support self-medicating HRT at all and that's true.  Dosages and non-clinical sources are never mentioned anywhere on Susan's.  We have many reasons but the primary one is safety - similar to reaching in and messing with high voltage wiring.  That's fine for an licensed professional but a potential disaster for a hobbyist.  Add to that the dimension of online grey-market suppliers who don't care if what they sell is contaminated or mislabeled.

I'll add some information here we always provide to new members.

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Katie, thank you so much for becoming a member!  See you around.

Kendra

Hi Katie 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Hi minor update, No 1 son is aware that I might go the whole way, he talked to wife about it, and after the initial squirming, and OMGs, he is understanding, and wife has agreed to give me my second name , which I hope will help with her accepting what I know what in reality will be the end resolution.
Given $10m what would I do.... you know the answer.  Money isn't everything and I don't have it so baby steps so I don't lose my loved ones. Some will go others will grow with me I'm sure.
Totally unsure about my job as I need  respect from Engineers and Managers to do it - any tips anyone?
I'll keep on updating as I grow up to the woman I know I am, and always have been.
Love and X
(so truly loving where I am atm)
Katie T

I have worked for years with software and electronic engineers and had no difficulty. I did my job to the best of my ability and didn't discuss my transition unless it was requested. You tend to have less difficulty when you are working with people who have more education though people are far more accepting to day so it's unlikely you will have much in the way of problems.

Quote from: Katie Again on September 02, 2017, 07:02:02 PM
Totally unsure about my job as I need  respect from Engineers and Managers to do it - any tips anyone?

You might find the Coming Out forum helpful.  You can see how this went for others, tips to be prepared. 

If you are in a technical field I bet you will find this relatively easy.  Companies compete for talent and the best companies understand a truly diverse workforce has a competitive edge. 

I recommend taking a close look at your company's published HR policies.  If a particular topic is protected under HR policy, those requirements are in place to override the risk of any individual manager reacting inappropriately. 

Hi again Kendra, Yes I will do that, but I'm not really Engineer level any more (or for some time), I have about 150 on and offshore engineers working for me at any time, hence despite company policies, I need their commitment to me and my targets and more often respect, and its a question if that will continue. However I will search through the topics and look for help. Maybe time for a different change.
Still second session with therapist  this week, actually looking forward to it as I have some crystallising concerns I need to resolve (personality seems to be getting more polarised rather than becoming one), and its all going too fast for me after such a long time , so stopped self med etc, (wont restart) and going to plan this journey and stop just 'drifting' into it - (can you drift with a force 10 pushing you?).
Anyhow, thanks again
Hugz
Katie 

A career can't be taken lightly but if you have policies in your favor you should be fine.  My point of view: if the 150 engineers won't accept working for a woman there are more serious problems there than you can solve.  Or go tackle those problems if you can get the recognition for doing so.

Another idea is identify a female manager as a potential mentor.  Carefully determine if that individual might understand and be trustworthy - and if they are, get to know them and find out how they make things work.  Or if the timing isn't good, quietly observe things they do as an example of breaking the glass ceiling.

Kendra
I think you are absolutely right in your thinking, and looking from the outside in to where I am you have really good advice - thanks, its very much appreciated. As this is in introductions if I have anything else to say on this matter Ill post a topic if that's Ok. Your all making me feel most welcome and it has certainly warmed my heart to you all.
katie