I think that is a very sad situation to be in.
I felt much the same for a long time, but was lucky enough to have realised this does happen, and that I can do something about, and I was not the freak I felt I was.

It was thanks to my faith that I didn't end it years ago.
And it's thanks to my faith that I continue to move forward now.

I hope atleast you can be happy with your decision, I guess sometimes it can also make sense to simply not transition. For me the thought of have MR. On my stone made me feel so wrong.

Now I will have Rachel on my Stone when my time is done and I will be proud of that. :3

Hugs, Rachel

Quote from: Dianne H on August 27, 2017, 06:50:51 PM
In my case it's a matter of family, age and finances.

I grew up with no knowledge of transgender or transsexual. There was a famous woman named Christine something but my parents just referred to her a  sicko. Very old school and traditional background.

Now in my late 50's with kids and grandkids and failing health I can't see ruining everything by putting my feelings in front of them when I'm getting ready to kick the bucket in a few anyway.

  Hi Dianne H,
 
   The famous woman was Christine_Jorgensen . She was the first person to become widely known in the United States for having sex reassignment surgery.

    For some your decision is the one that works. For some it isn't. Others are left wondering about their decisions. You were right in thinking hard on it before making yours. As should everyone.

Laurie

Thanks Laurie,

I don't want to cause a thread drift but I remember seeing previews for that movie at a drive in when I was young. I wanted to see it so bad but didn't dare ask my parents because they were saying things like who would want to watch a movie about a sicko like that. There was also an episode on an old television medical show called Marcus Welby: MD which dealt with this subject.

I have to admit that kind of traditional family made it hard. When you hear things like sicko, pervert and such it made me wonder if I was a pervert for a while. I felt a shame I kept hidden all my life. Now that I'm so old I just take everything in stride.

I guess if family, events in my life and faith were different I might think differently. One big reason is other beliefs I have which somewhat make it easier. Still, the feelings are there.

My decision isn't easy but it works for me. I know it won't for everyone. I just try to avoid a lot of transgender stuff because it just brings feelings back stronger. I guess avoidance is best for me.

Once again, thank you.

Dianne.

Quote from: Charlie Nicki on August 27, 2017, 06:02:27 PM
Why do you think you would have stayed in your original plan? You're saying that in hindsight it would have been better for you to suck it up and face the pain and rejection and continue with your original plan? Sacrificing your transition to avoid the pain wasn't worth it?



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For me, and I am strictly speaking in terms of my own life situation, I believe it would have been better to face it then rather than later. Now instead of living as female I am in a marriage and life situation that will likely take years to get out of fully because of the financial, social, and emotional implications. I love my husband very, very much but deep down I know he never would have married me if I he knew I was trans and wanted to live as female full time. I am careful not to exhibit too many cross-gender behaviors or to even allow myself to dress or do many female things in private because I know it will only make me wish for something I cannot have right now. I feel like a liar and a coward for not facing the music when I was the closest I've ever come. I got so damn close and still managed to find a way to run away and hide again. Plus I ultimately did more damage than if I had just stuck with my original plans because I actually did get the boyfriend back after I took back my transition plans and said it was a mistake, I tried my hardest for over a year to really be happy in the life of a gay man, I even married that boyfriend. And for all that I am still in the exact same mental space as I was a year ago when I admitted I was trans to him and my mother. I'll admit the pain when I thought i had lost him was worse than any emotional pain I've ever felt because I did and do truly love him, but do I feel now that it was worth sacrificing even more years of my life to the "big lie" that I've stuck to for so long? No I do not. Not to mention that as I am aging I resemble my father more with each passing day and that is something I never, ever wanted and horrifies me each time I look in the mirror. Now of course you have to do what is right for you but hopefully some of this helps since it sounds like you are in a very similar place as I was a year ago.

Quote from: ColoTex2890 on September 01, 2017, 11:38:10 PM
For me, and I am strictly speaking in terms of my own life situation, I believe it would have been better to face it then rather than later. Now instead of living as female I am in a marriage and life situation that will likely take years to get out of fully because of the financial, social, and emotional implications. I love my husband very, very much but deep down I know he never would have married me if I he knew I was trans and wanted to live as female full time. I am careful not to exhibit too many cross-gender behaviors or to even allow myself to dress or do many female things in private because I know it will only make me wish for something I cannot have right now. I feel like a liar and a coward for not facing the music when I was the closest I've ever come. I got so damn close and still managed to find a way to run away and hide again. Plus I ultimately did more damage than if I had just stuck with my original plans because I actually did get the boyfriend back after I took back my transition plans and said it was a mistake, I tried my hardest for over a year to really be happy in the life of a gay man, I even married that boyfriend. And for all that I am still in the exact same mental space as I was a year ago when I admitted I was trans to him and my mother. I'll admit the pain when I thought i had lost him was worse than any emotional pain I've ever felt because I did and do truly love him, but do I feel now that it was worth sacrificing even more years of my life to the "big lie" that I've stuck to for so long? No I do not. Not to mention that as I am aging I resemble my father more with each passing day and that is something I never, ever wanted and horrifies me each time I look in the mirror. Now of course you have to do what is right for you but hopefully some of this helps since it sounds like you are in a very similar place as I was a year ago.

Hey, I'm sending you a PM.

ColoTex, I can relate to your feelings on this. I spent 18 years not transitioning and don't regret having waited in that I did it when I could afford to and knew that window was closing. I can't regret the experiences I've had that would have been interrupted by GCS and the hoops I'd have to have jumped through in the early '00s. I'm also glad to have had GCS with the more recent techniques.

I could have pushed this along about 5 years ago (and would have had the benefit of paid time off for recovery that I don't get as a self employed artist) but honestly the difference between then and now is a small one.

I have lots of sympathy for those among us who have unsupportive partners. Mine wasn't happy about either HRT or GCS but she very definitely signed on to be with a trans woman.

The OP said near the start of this thread that she could simply will away the need to transition. Personally I think that's bs. Pretending to be something you're not isn't supportable, that's probably the first lesson of the lgbt movement. We have over 50 years of community experience in this.

Quote from: SadieBlake on September 05, 2017, 04:23:10 PM
ColoTex, I can relate to your feelings on this. I spent 18 years not transitioning and don't regret having waited in that I did it when I could afford to and knew that window was closing. I can't regret the experiences I've had that would have been interrupted by GCS and the hoops I'd have to have jumped through in the early '00s. I'm also glad to have had GCS with the more recent techniques.

I could have pushed this along about 5 years ago (and would have had the benefit of paid time off for recovery that I don't get as a self employed artist) but honestly the difference between then and now is a small one.

I have lots of sympathy for those among us who have unsupportive partners. Mine wasn't happy about either HRT or GCS but she very definitely signed on to be with a trans woman.

I hope things turn out as well for me. At times I feel terrible because I feel like I'm lying to my husband all the time, and in a way I am but I truly do not have a choice. I could literally lose the roof over my head and who knows what else if I came out right now. For now I've decided to try and make the best of the life I have and see where things stand in a few years. Maybe I will be able to move forward, or alternatively I may never be able to transition. That would be a terrible disappointment for me but if I had to I could soldier on.