Hello everyone, April here.

I first found this site many years ago when looking up info about the transitioning process and now that I've finally started the process myself, it seems a good time as any to join this community.

I first started really questioning my gender when I was around 9 or 10 and like many kids going through the same thing, I would play around with my mom's clothes and makeup whenever I had the chance. I never knew about the possibility that I could actually live the life I wanted until I was a teenager. I wanted to start transitioning ever since I was around 16, but I was so afraid of the general public sentiment against transgender people that it dissuaded me from doing so.

I thought I could be fine just living as, and pretending to be, a man, but that kind of fantasy eventually has a breaking point. I joined the US Air Force (probably out of some kind of way to reinforce my non-existent masculinity) and I liked it for a while, but then that good old dysphoria started creeping up again. I had been using alcohol to dull the thoughts for a long time by that point, but being in that kind of environment just made it worse and it got to the point that I tried to kill myself (not the first time). Coupled with the death of my father at almost the same time, I was a wreck and tried to continue on the best I could, but my superiors could see through my facade and gave me the option of getting out early, which I took.

After getting out, I fell into the same habits of trying to dull the pain and just getting by, until my drinking got to the point that it was doing serious damage to my health and earlier this year I knew I had to confront the root of my issues. I decided I was going to finally do it and that hope and optimism for my future helped me to stop drinking (I am now 8 months sober). Luckily even though Trump is destroying the lives of trans troops still serving, he hasn't touched the VA (yet, anyway), and through them I am finally on my way to becoming the woman I know I am. I just started HRT less than 2 weeks ago, unfortunately I'm currently on a very low dose of estradiol due to possible genetic blood clot issues I may have, but I'm happy that I've started my journey, though I wish I had done so at 16 than 32.

I still mostly present publicly as a man, but I've been taking small steps along the way and especially at school (cosmetology school is a very welcoming place if you are LGBT). Through admitting to myself I cannot live a lie, I feel like my life is finally going well for the first time in a very long time.

Hello April. I'm Julia. Welcome to the site.

Hello April, welcome to Susans!  I am so glad you joined. 

I am MTF and wish I had become active with Susan's earlier in my transition.  Another thing I wish I had done earlier was see a gender therapist.  I delayed many things for unnecessary reasons.  After I gained the ability to interact here I discovered so many things about myself.  I previously did some regrettable things with alcohol - I stopped in 2003.  I focused on my career as a distraction to avoid more fundamental questions about myself but that can only work for so long. 

You are thinking a lot about your future and that's awesome.  Some career paths provide more flexibility, the friends we choose, long term decisions.  I am sorry to hear your father passed away, but as you are determined to live the best and most rewarding life possible I believe he would be proud.  Also I want to thank you for being a veteran.

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April, great to see you here! 

Kendra

Hello April


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Oh wow, Incoming    Haven't heard that term in awhile

Hi April 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

April,
    Good to meet you!!!! I say this a bit on here but, I think it is only because we as a transgender community are very similar in how we have approached things. I connect with your story on a lot of levels. I to knew I was different from a young age and especially when I was a teen as well but, like you societal pressure made me put my gd feelings way down. I pushed them down so many times. I did crossdressing for a time and it wasn't enough. It was satisfying but, did not solve the whole underlying issue. Like you it all came out in one disparaging time. My wife left me, took the kids with her, and I went into depression and buried myself in my work. I didn't tell anyone. I thought highly about suicide and quick painless ways to do it. My kids kept me going though and I came out of it and knew what I had to do for myself. I finally accepted my issue and who I was. I am the same in that I wish I had started this sooner than in my 30's but, many on here are like you and I and started in later life. What matters is you are doing what fulfills you now and makes you happy. Low dose estradiol will still get you to the same place just, not as fast. Congrats and accepting yourself and starting your journey!!!!!!!! Welcome too!!!!!